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Critique This Sales Letter

by popolee
4 replies
I'm a newbie copywriter, please critique my copy below
“How Many New Paying Customers Are You Getting
From Your Business Facebook Page?”


If you are not getting at least 10 new customers each month from your facebook page, keep reading and I’m going to show you:

1. How to provide an offer that make potential customers can’t resist to become your facebook fans.

2. How to get referral from your fans (this is the most effective way to increase new fans).

3. And the most important part is this -- how to make facebook fans to become your paying customers!

I tried dozen of facebook marketing tools, finally I found the most effective one.

If you want to try all the facebook marketing tools yourself, it is fine. But if you just want to increase your fans and make fans to become your paying customers in the shortest possible time, then you can watch my FREE presentation online (url here)

Please watch my FREE presentation carefully in your own time, because a lot of thought has gone into it, and I sincerely hope that the information contained in this presentation can help your business.

watch FREE presentation: (url here)

or, call me directly (phone number here) for appointment.



My Name
#critique #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    If this going in the mail to a list of business owners, it's wrong.

    If it's going to be run in a classified ad place where buyers are looking for social media help,
    it's also wrong.

    Here's why. Firstly for direct mail...

    You are under the FALSE assumption that the biz owner cares about Facebook.

    Knowing that is your biggest breakthrough.

    Spouting how many people on Facebook
    won't move him either.

    So what to do..?

    You lead in with his present problem that he knows and understands.

    Once he knows you know about it,
    then you get agreement and then he's ready for your Facebook solution.

    You need to hit him fast and hard on his scepticism about Facebook.

    Because that will be your biggest hurdle to overcome.

    Tell him you know that whatever he's heard about it is wrong
    when it comes to business and you'll prove it.

    Then you trot out case study after case study how
    businesses owners have gotten a great return on their investments.

    Use numbers, dollars and time frames to create believability.

    Now you are ready to make the offer for his free presentation.

    And finally you give the reason to act now...
    example "Because your business survival depends on it, nothing less."

    For your classified ad, it's a different kind all together because people are
    looking to buy, just need to know from WHOM!

    The ad I wrote for a web designer that he placed in Craigslists
    got him contracts worth $25,000 after 2 days running it.

    So this works like gangbusters!

    You write all the questions a buyer should be asking the seller of whatever is being sold.
    And you give the reason why using numbers, dollars and time along with company name or type of business. Don't give the answers in the ad.

    The headline would be something like...
    Warning: Don't Buy Anything To Do With Facebook Until You Ask The Seller These 5 Qustions
    At the end of it you write: A Community Service By Fay's Fans

    There is a whole lot of serious psychology behind the way this is structured which diverts all buyers in that market to you.

    It has made businesses close down when their opposition have used it
    because of it's brute force.

    So there you have it, a need to scrap what you've got and go down a winning path I've just layed out for you.

    Best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author bsbear
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      If this going in the mail to a list of business owners, it's wrong.

      If it's going to be run in a classified ad place where buyers are looking for social media help,
      it's also wrong.

      Here's why. Firstly for direct mail...

      You are under the FALSE assumption that the biz owner cares about Facebook.

      Knowing that is your biggest breakthrough.

      Spouting how many people on Facebook
      won't move him either.

      So what to do..?

      You lead in with his present problem that he knows and understands.

      Once he knows you know about it,
      then you get agreement and then he's ready for your Facebook solution.

      You need to hit him fast and hard on his scepticism about Facebook.

      Because that will be your biggest hurdle to overcome.

      Tell him you know that whatever he's heard about it is wrong
      when it comes to business and you'll prove it.

      Then you trot out case study after case study how
      businesses owners have gotten a great return on their investments.

      Use numbers, dollars and time frames to create believability.

      Now you are ready to make the offer for his free presentation.

      And finally you give the reason to act now...
      example "Because your business survival depends on it, nothing less."

      For your classified ad, it's a different kind all together because people are
      looking to buy, just need to know from WHOM!

      The ad I wrote for a web designer that he placed in Craigslists
      got him contracts worth $25,000 after 2 days running it.

      So this works like gangbusters!

      You write all the questions a buyer should be asking the seller of whatever is being sold.
      And you give the reason why using numbers, dollars and time along with company name or type of business. Don't give the answers in the ad.

      The headline would be something like...
      Warning: Don't Buy Anything To Do With Facebook Until You Ask The Seller These 5 Qustions
      At the end of it you write: A Community Service By Fay's Fans

      There is a whole lot of serious psychology behind the way this is structured which diverts all buyers in that market to you.

      It has made businesses close down when their opposition have used it
      because of it's brute force.

      So there you have it, a need to scrap what you've got and go down a winning path I've just layed out for you.

      Best,
      Ewen
      Yeah, you should sell them on the idea of getting more customers first, then work on telling them your strategy.
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  • Profile picture of the author Pr0metheus
    As Ewen already mentioned, your sales letter is completely missing to connect with the prospect.

    1. I would recommend redoing the headline.
    2. A headline like "Your competitor is getting hundreds of leads from Facebook..How many are you getting?" might make him to sit straight and read further.
    3. Then you can tell him how business owners have received more customers.
    4. Give him more reasons to try Facebook, make Facebook must for his business.
    5. Now instill the urge why he can't delay anymore, how others are stealing his customers (yes, stealing his customers. It will make him to understand the lose more)
    6. if you going to lead him to free presentation, you need to tell him why he should listen to your presentation rather than choosing someone else.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Oh how I detest that "keep reading" BS.

    Whenever I see that lame line I stop reading. And I suspect non-copywriters do too.

    You need to make the copy interesting so that we naturally "keep reading".

    And this line is plain hokey - "    If you want to try all the facebook marketing tools yourself, it is fine."

    Fail dude. Fail.


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