Please critique this sales letter - Just starting (Updated 8/27/12)

by Rob28x
62 replies
This is my first sales copy, I have been reading "The Ultimate Sales Letter" by Dan Kennedy and wanted some honest feedback. This is for myself, not a client. Thank you in advance.

EDIT: See revisions below. I will try to keep the first post updated to make it easy to follow.

Revisions:
Revision 1: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter2.pdf
Revision 2: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter3.pdf
Revision 3: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter4.pdf (Sent out 50 of these so far)
Revision 5: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter5.pdf (added 8/17/2012)
Revision 6: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter6.pdf (Updated 8/21/2012)
Revision 7: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter7.pdf (added 8/22/2012)
Revision 8: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter8.pdf (added 8/27/2012)


Below you will find the original sales letter:

Don't Let Your Competition Steal YOUR Customers!

Like most business owners I am sure you understand the importance of customers. Without them, you wouldn't have a business right? So the idea is to get as many customers through your doors as you can - and that takes advertising. But, it's hard to decide where to spend your hard earned advertising dollars. Believe me I know, I have been in your shoes! I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on all sorts of advertising over the years trying to figure out what works, and unfortunately wasting money on what doesn't, so I can feel your pain! That's why I want to help you get the most for your advertising dollars. It all comes down to return on investment, because that's exactly what your advertising should be - an investment that makes you more money!

Traditionally, you could run radio ad's. But there's a chance that most of the people who do hear your ad on the radio are not in your local area, or they are listening to their MP3 players, or listening to satalite radio in their cars so they will never even hear your advertisement. So how about TV ads? Well those USED to work well too, but now a days with things like DVR's people skip right through the commercials.

So the next tried and true step would be direct mail. And yes - it does work great - but only when it's done correctly. You have to understand, people are bombarded with advertisements in their mail everyday. Most of it hits the trash can before they have a chance to open it. So I am sure you are wondering how you can beat those odds of being sent right to the landfill. That's where we want to help you! Want the best chance of being noticed by 10,000 potential customers at an affordable price? Then you will want to advertise on our huge 9" x 12" size full color mailers. They do not go unnoticed! They are actually usually the first thing people will see when they open their mailbox because of their size. And just think - your ad is not buried inside an envelope along with your competitors (like some other companies do) that most people just throw away without even opening! With our huge mailer, people will see your ad and your special offer right away as there is no way they can miss it!

I know what your thinking. It's not going to be cheap to advertise to 10,000 potential clients, with the artwork design, printing, postage, and more. And with a typical direct mail campaign, you would be correct. BUT, luckily for you we are doing a co-op with other local businesses (in other niches of course that do not compete with you since you will be exclusive) to make it more than affordable for you. We are talking only a few pennies per household delivered! No where else will you find that much value for your advertising dollars. But only if you act quickly as it's first come - first served! So if you want to stick it to your competition then call today and make that investment in your business by reserving your spot... before your competition does! Here's your chance to steal THEIR customers!

Rob Mirsky
TP Marketing Solutions
(810) 545-****
email:

P.S.- Act today and I will take $100.00 off any ad spot you want. That makes it as low as $0.04 per household - DELIVERED! See the reverse side for the available sizes and pricing.

P.P.S. - Plus, as an added bonus, we will include your special offer on our mobile website and social media pages. Not only will your future new customers be able to access your special offer from anywhere with their mobile phone, but they will also be able to tell their friends about your business as well! All at no additional cost to you.
#critique #letter #sales #starting
  • Profile picture of the author NickN
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Rob,

    Here's a few quick ideas for you:

    You will be sending this in one of your 9x12 mailers, right?

    If so, I'd use a hook based around how your mailers will grab their customers' attention just like you grabbed theirs.

    You need some proof and credibility elements.

    For a high priced service like this I'd go for lead-gen rather than the sale.

    You need a stronger call to action than "act today", tell the reader exactly what you want them to do.

    It's the top of the letter that needs to be tied into the headline.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
      Ok I understand what you are saying. Thank you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Robert_Rand
    I think the tone is weak my man.

    It's good to keep the language simple. But this comes off as sesame street talk, like you're trying to baby them. That will not be well received.

    You also take too long to get to the point. Too much filler.

    I think you'd do much better with a headline like "Why Are 9" x 12" Full Color Mailers So Effective?" or "Is This The Most Cost Effective Way To Reach 10,000 Prospects?"

    And your P.S. needs to be changed. Offering to take $100 off cheapens your product. Focus more on building the value. They'll spend the money if they think they're going to get more customers. So instead, consider something a like a big promise regarding the results they'll get.

    Do you have any data from successful clients? If so, you'll definitely want to load that on the front end and get rid of the "That's where we want to help you!" and "They do not go unnoticed!" type of statements.

    Good luck
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  • Profile picture of the author schttrj
    I liked the formal presentation of the letter.

    Headline can be reworked on a bit. It needs to get my attention. "Don't let your...customers" doesn't do much for that.

    The lead "Like most business owners I am sure you understand...", you are stirring my emotions. It's boring!

    When you introduce direct mail, give me evidences and proof why direct mail is the BEST and why I should choose you.

    The call-to-action part is rather weak. You need to push, push and push!
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    Ok, so I have been playing with some headlines in my mind...


    WARNING: Limited Chance To Advertise To 10,000 Area Households!

    Limited Offer: Here's Your Chance To Beat Your Competition!

    Here's Your Chance To Beat Your Competition To The Punch!

    Act Now And Beat Your Competition To The Punch!

    Want To Beat Your Competition? Read More To Find Out How...

    How To Advertise to 10,000 Area Households For Only Pennies Each

    DO NOT Spend Another Dollar On Advertising Until You Read This!

    AT Last! An Affordable Way To Reach 10,000 Households!


    Not sure what other directions I could go with it since I am selling advertising not a physical product.

    Also thinking about something like this for my opening into the letter:

    "What does every household have in common? A mailbox. And that's why direct mail is still the most effective way to get in front of your customers. And with our huge 9” x 12” full color mailer, it's also an affordable way."
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    I have done a few more changes to it, the .pdf can be found here:
    http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter2.pdf

    Edit: updated this .pdf
    http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter3.pdf
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    • Profile picture of the author nofearman
      Personally I think it is way too long. Remember you have about 5 -7 seconds to get their attention and people just are too impatient in today's "on demand" world to read this traditional LONG Hypy Sales Letters. If I don't read something compelling, I Exit out. I never read these Long marketing letters , I usually go to the bottom to see the price. And with this letter I get lost in mostly regurgitated statements I have heard in most other generic sales letters, all saying basically the same thing . If you are NOT different most readers will tune out quickly.
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by nofearman View Post

        Personally I think it is way too long.
        It's three paragraphs (including the P.S.) on a single side of paper, how is that "way too long"?
        Signature

        Andrew Gould

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        • Profile picture of the author nofearman
          Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

          It's three paragraphs (including the P.S.) on a single side of paper, how is that "way too long"?
          But it reads like it is 3 pages long. Very bland (instead of using the dreaded "Boring" word). It could be one paragraph long, but if you are putting readers to sleep after the first sentence....?
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          • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
            Originally Posted by nofearman View Post

            It could be one paragraph long, but if you are putting readers to sleep after the first sentence....?
            Then length has nothing to do with it.
            Signature

            Andrew Gould

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          • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
            Originally Posted by nofearman View Post

            But it reads like it is 3 pages long. Very bland (instead of using the dreaded "Boring" word). It could be one paragraph long, but if you are putting readers to sleep after the first sentence....?
            Are you talking about the original or the the latest revision?
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            • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
              I highly recommend you buy Bob Bly's book, The Encyclopedia of Business Letters, Faxes and Emails. You can get it at amazon.com.

              He has some great lead generation letters that you can model.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    I would say the original sales letter was too long mostly because it had lot's of "fluff" as someone else said. But I do think the latest revision is a lot better. Is it perfect? Probably not. But I am to the point where I have to start getting some of them sent out which I did today. If I change it even more, then future mailings will have the updated version. Thanks to everyone for your feedback so far. I am pretty happy with the results of my first project so far.
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    • Profile picture of the author Robert_Rand
      Originally Posted by Rob28x View Post

      I would say the original sales letter was too long mostly because it had lot's of "fluff" as someone else said. But I do think the latest revision is a lot better. Is it perfect? Probably not. But I am to the point where I have to start getting some of them sent out which I did today. If I change it even more, then future mailings will have the updated version. Thanks to everyone for your feedback so far. I am pretty happy with the results of my first project so far.
      Right on man, sometimes you just have to take action. That's the only way you can ultimately make progress.

      Keep testing and tracking your results until you achieve the breakthrough you're looking for.
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  • Profile picture of the author seobro
    Hi Rob:

    I like your ad, but most of your hot prospects have already done a mail out. The problem is as follows - if you cut your price 10% the coupon ends up in the garbage can. If you cut your price 50% you get a lot of new customers, but how much money do you lose on each item you are moving. For example a pizza pie.

    Cost of the mail out is not the problem, as it is a tiny part of the total cost of running a promo. Also, where will you find parking for all the new arrivals that show up.

    I have found that people will not drive seventy miles for a pizza. However, they will drive seven. Also, you should put in the mail out
    e-mail
    phone
    URL

    Do not forget about email as I got twenty new customers today through e-mail and people still use it. Best strategy is to an approach similar to a grand opening. Hype a new product that is coming.

    For example a restaurant could promote a new pizza. Call it the mega monster or some other name. Getting people excited is the game. Please remember, you do not sell a product or a service. What you do is create an experience.
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    • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
      Originally Posted by seobro View Post

      Hi Rob:

      I like your ad, but most of your hot prospects have already done a mail out. The problem is as follows - if you cut your price 10% the coupon ends up in the garbage can. If you cut your price 50% you get a lot of new customers, but how much money do you lose on each item you are moving. For example a pizza pie.
      Yup businesses do mail outs all the time. Just because they have done it once, doesn't mean they will never mail again. Only if they didn't want more customers I suppose.

      Cost of the mail out is not the problem, as it is a tiny part of the total cost of running a promo. Also, where will you find parking for all the new arrivals that show up.
      I don't think business owners will be concerned with worrying about parking because they ran a direct mail ad. All they care about is getting more customers. Besides, not everyone will redeem their coupon at the same time so I doubt it will be an issue.

      I have found that people will not drive seventy miles for a pizza. However, they will drive seven. Also, you should put in the mail out
      e-mail
      phone
      URL
      It is being distributed to just my local town of 8,000 people, plus surrounding carrier routes. So no one will have to drive 70 miles to redeem their coupon.

      Do not forget about email as I got twenty new customers today through e-mail and people still use it. Best strategy is to an approach similar to a grand opening. Hype a new product that is coming.

      For example a restaurant could promote a new pizza. Call it the mega monster or some other name. Getting people excited is the game. Please remember, you do not sell a product or a service. What you do is create an experience.
      I do not have a retail business myself, this is a co-op between other area businesses. I am just putting together the mailer. I think that may have confused you by reading your reply.
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  • Profile picture of the author CurtisSWN
    Very few things will capture the attention of the reader more than a "Finally!" or an "At Last!" It triggers that endorphin rush.
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    Earns Me Over $146.72 in 12 Hours. This is Weird, But it Works!
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  • Profile picture of the author finwriter
    Here's a quick crit ... 12% of your sentences are passive . This ideally should be no more than 5-6% of your piece. You need more of an active voice.

    Take for instance the first line. It's passive.

    "Like most business owners ..."

    A better approach is an active voice.

    "I'm sure you understand the importance of customers-not unlike most business owners."

    As you write more from an active voice ... the copy will skip along for the reader... taking them form one line to the next. Passive voice can trip the reader up as they stop to make sure they connect the action with the object correctly. This can be a killer!

    You can get a quick reference here ...Purdue OWL: Active and Passive Voice

    Hope that helps and good luck ...
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    • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
      Originally Posted by finwriter View Post

      Here's a quick crit ... 12% of your sentences are passive . This ideally should be no more than 5-6% of your piece. You need more of an active voice.

      Take for instance the first line. It's passive.

      "Like most business owners ..."

      A better approach is an active voice.

      "I'm sure you understand the importance of customers-not unlike most business owners."

      As you write more from an active voice ... the copy will skip along for the reader... taking them form one line to the next. Passive voice can trip the reader up as they stop to make sure they connect the action with the object correctly. This can be a killer!

      You can get a quick reference here ...Purdue OWL: Active and Passive Voice

      Hope that helps and good luck ...
      I think I need to delete the original version from the top as it seems like you guys think that is the most up to date version. That is what I started with.
      This is the latest version: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter4.pdf

      edit: I cleaned up the first post to help.
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      • Profile picture of the author Robert_Rand
        Originally Posted by Rob28x View Post

        I think I need to delete the original version from the top as it seems like you guys think that is the most up to date version. That is what I started with.
        This is the latest version: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter4.pdf

        edit: I cleaned up the first post to help.
        Your latest version is a lot better than the original...

        Of course, still a lot of room for improvement -- keep testing
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        • Profile picture of the author WinstonTian
          I don't really have comments about your headline, except that
          I'd prefer to lose the "..." and the exclamation mark. Ellipsises
          are normally used in copy to space out the clutter in a
          paragraph, or to connect two ideas in separate paragraphs.
          Here's how...

          I have some comments about your lead paragraph though.

          First thing I noticed was that your logic and arguments are
          very disorganized. You're jumping logic and logic, and then
          you go back to filling in the holes. But the problem is...

          ...The reader is already throwing the letter away!

          Second thing was, the whole copy was just dreary! It reads
          like a scientific essay. You need to yank out some freaking
          emotions from the reader. Get him to the edge of his chair!

          Third was, you take a pretty long time to "get to the point".
          People want to know what it's in it for them to continue
          reading. It might be a benefit, directly expressed perhaps, or
          maybe even indirectly hinted at.

          I also agree with Andrew that you should throw in some
          proof and credibility elements. I'd suggest lead-gen too.

          And well, yes, the theme/hook. Needs working. lol

          Winston Tian
          Signature

          Cheers,
          Winston
          The Beginner's Doctor

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          • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
            I will keep working on it for sure as I know with being "green" at writing copy there is probably a lot of room for improvement but I am really enjoying learning about it.

            Also, I am not sure how to add lead-gen so I will work on doing some research to learn more about that.
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            • Profile picture of the author WinstonTian
              Originally Posted by Rob28x View Post

              I will keep working on it for sure as I know with being "green" at writing copy there is probably a lot of room for improvement but I am really enjoying learning about it.

              Also, I am not sure how to add lead-gen so I will work on doing some research to learn more about that.
              There's nothing wrong with being "green" at all - even I am not
              a great writer myself. It comes from going into the roughs more
              often and emerging with more experience each time.

              A shortcut? If you're green, go and learn from successful copy.

              Read them, and copy them out by hand. It works, and it works.

              Pick up one successful copy, and then come back to your copy
              and read it. Undoubtedly, you're going to see that massive
              difference.

              Winston Tian
              Signature

              Cheers,
              Winston
              The Beginner's Doctor

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          • Profile picture of the author BizManRobert
            Originally Posted by WinstonTian View Post

            I don't really have comments about your headline, except that
            I'd prefer to lose the "..." and the exclamation mark. Ellipsises
            are normally used in copy to space out the clutter in a
            paragraph, or to connect two ideas in separate paragraphs.
            Here's how...

            I have some comments about your lead paragraph though.

            First thing I noticed was that your logic and arguments are
            very disorganized. You're jumping logic and logic, and then
            you go back to filling in the holes. But the problem is...

            ...The reader is already throwing the letter away!

            Second thing was, the whole copy was just dreary! It reads
            like a scientific essay. You need to yank out some freaking
            emotions from the reader. Get him to the edge of his chair!

            Third was, you take a pretty long time to "get to the point".
            People want to know what it's in it for them to continue
            reading. It might be a benefit, directly expressed perhaps, or
            maybe even indirectly hinted at.

            I also agree with Andrew that you should throw in some
            proof and credibility elements. I'd suggest lead-gen too.

            And well, yes, the theme/hook. Needs working. lol

            Winston Tian


            Hi...A lot of Rob's helping out here...!

            I totally concur with Winston.
            So here is my 2cents worth...

            Firstly:
            Change the headline.
            Your paragraphs are to long, try to make them no more than 4/5 lines.
            Pop over to...in my eyes the worlds Greatest Sir Gary of Halbert but sadly missed copy writers website, link below:
            thegaryhalbertletter.com/newsletter-archives.htm

            If YOU want you're copy to improve any time soon...
            My advice would be to download all these gem sales letters and study them over a weekend. AND then study some more, to really horn your skills.

            Good luck, Robert
            Signature
            ''Discover How To Make $19,289 In Just 30 Days From Biz Owners Begging You To Take Their Money!''

            "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." ~ Steve Jobs (RIP)
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  • Profile picture of the author ago
    Hey Rob

    Your headline is weak.

    You need this "127 WINNING HEADLINES" by Eugene Schwartz, one of the most successful ad writers in history...someone who's sold over a BILLION dollars worth of products, books and newsletters in dozens of different markets.

    ...and you can download it HERE for free.

    Enjoy

    No opt-in required
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    • Profile picture of the author WinstonTian
      Oh goodness, no, no, no! Go and read an introductory book to
      copywriting before you continue.
      Signature

      Cheers,
      Winston
      The Beginner's Doctor

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      • Profile picture of the author BizManRobert
        Originally Posted by WinstonTian View Post

        Oh goodness, no, no, no! Go and read an introductory book to
        copywriting before you continue.


        -Winston

        I presumed that Rob28x had already studied some basic copy writing books.
        Why do you say the above?
        Rob28x says he's been reading "The Ultimate Sales Letter" by Dan Kennedy, I'm sure you know that Dan Kennedy learnt his craft in his early years by working for the late Gary Halbert.

        I new to this forum, and don't want an argument, I'm just trying to help Rob.
        I'm just biased towards Gary Halbert's materials, and I have a lot of them DVD's CD's workbooks ect ect!
        I will say this, it really depends on what you're copy is for, for example if your copy is for B2B you will need to study different authors.

        Anyway Rob I wish you luck. On a final note I...
        Just want to mention this book: Dr Robert Cialdini's
        Influence: Science and Practice (5th Edition)


        This book is a must have for ALL copywriters.

        You can get a second hand copy from amazon for around 12 bucks.
        I would of gladly paid $500 for this with the tactics I gleaned from this GREAT book.

        Peace...
        Signature
        ''Discover How To Make $19,289 In Just 30 Days From Biz Owners Begging You To Take Their Money!''

        "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." ~ Steve Jobs (RIP)
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        • Profile picture of the author nofearman
          I am working on my own sales letter, just bought "The Greatest Direct Mail Sales Letters of all Time". What I think has changed most significantly in the past 5 years is now people don;t have the patience to read a sales letters that "drags on". It is now an "on demand" world with iPhones, social media, Google we get immediate answers to our questions. Maybe ten years ago you had 10-15 seconds to get their attention with a sales pitch. Today you have 3-5 seconds. Hence, if the benefit or the hook doesn't occur in that time...they're gone
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          • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
            I will have to check that one out.

            I just finished reading "CA$HVERTISING: How to Use More than 100 Secrets of Ad-Agency Psychology to Make Big Money Selling Anything to Anyone" and wow what a good book. I will be spending the next few days on a new revision based on some of the things I learned in that book.

            "Ogilvy on Advertising" is going to be my next read.
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            • Profile picture of the author NickN
              Originally Posted by Rob28x View Post

              I will have to check that one out.

              I just finished reading "CA: How to Use More than 100 Secrets of Ad-Agency Psychology to Make Big Money Selling Anything to Anyone" and wow what a good book. I will be spending the next few days on a new revision based on some of the things I learned in that book.

              "Ogilvy on Advertising" is going to be my next read.
              Yeah, Ca$hvertising is a great starter book.

              You might also want to try Outrageous Advertising by Bill Glazer for some out-of-the-box direct-mail ideas.
              Signature

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              • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
                I actually read that book a year or two ago, and it was a good read as well. Might have to check it out again and re-read it. Grand Blanc library has a sweet business center
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        • Profile picture of the author nofearman
          Originally Posted by BizManRobert View Post

          -Winston

          I presumed that Rob28x had already studied some basic copy writing books.
          Why do you say the above?
          Rob28x says he's been reading "The Ultimate Sales Letter" by Dan Kennedy, I'm sure you know that Dan Kennedy learnt his craft in his early years by working for the late Gary Halbert.

          I new to this forum, and don't want an argument, I'm just trying to help Rob.
          I'm just biased towards Gary Halbert's materials, and I have a lot of them DVD's CD's workbooks ect ect!
          I will say this, it really depends on what you're copy is for, for example if your copy is for B2B you will need to study different authors.

          Anyway Rob I wish you luck. On a final note I...
          Just want to mention this book: Dr Robert Cialdini's
          Influence: Science and Practice (5th Edition)


          This book is a must have for ALL copywriters.

          You can get a second hand copy from amazon for around 12 bucks.
          I would of gladly paid $500 for this with the tactics I gleaned from this GREAT book.

          Peace...
          Re: " if your copy is for B2B you will need to study different authors.".....
          This is an excellent point! Have you come across anyone yet that focuses on B2B sales letters?
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          • Profile picture of the author BizManRobert
            Originally Posted by nofearman View Post

            Re: " if your copy is for B2B you will need to study different authors.".....
            This is an excellent point! Have you come across anyone yet that focuses on B2B sales letters?
            I can't specifically state any particular author, having read so many books...
            However, David Ogilvy springs to mind (Ogilvy On Advertising )

            If you want to write sophisticated, persuasive copy that does everything it needs to to sell, but keeps your credibility and integrity intact, you probably can't do much better than this guide I've been fortunate enough to stumble upon, which you can immerse yourself in...

            copywriterscrucible.com/wp-content/uploads/persuasivewriting.pdf

            Also you can get this for FREE...! By the way it's NOT my site...
            Signature
            ''Discover How To Make $19,289 In Just 30 Days From Biz Owners Begging You To Take Their Money!''

            "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." ~ Steve Jobs (RIP)
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    I'm going to make assumptions, and I could be very wrong.

    Did you buy the Bob Ross WSO on this project? And are you a member of his website? I ask because he's laid everything out for you, including how to get clients. But, perhaps, you're just doing this on your own and you don't have any HOW to to follow. Ok then.

    Who is this going to? Flushing businesses? Every business? How hard would it be personalize it?

    Dear John Felice,

    You're one of 17 pizza shop owners in Greater Flushing and the competition can be fierce. If you'd like to participate in a tested and proven yet very simple program to get more customers, please read this carefully.

    You can run an exclusive offer, that is you could be the ONLY Pizza shop on our next mailing of 10,000 oversized full color postcards like the one you see below.

    Pic OF both sides of postcard.

    John, there is a slight catch to our EXCLUSIVITY offer and the catch is you have to be the first pizza shop owner to call "dibs" on the pizza shop slot for our next mailing, scheduled to go out in 3 weeks from today.

    888888888888888888

    This would be a more time consuming way to go about it, however, I'd bet you'd see greater and faster results.

    As for Number 5, I didn't read the previous ones assuming you took some advice and have made each subsequent stronger than the first.

    If you are going to use a shotgun approach, please let us know if you get ANY response at all, even one, which I doubt you will.

    HOW many of these are you sending out? What will they look like, are these in envelopes? Or on a giant postcard? Or is it an email campaign, forgive me if you explained this, cause I didn't see it anywhere.

    Each media will help you determine your copy.

    If I rec'd this in an envelope, it probably would get tossed without opening it, so do you have teaser copy on the envelope?

    If email, do you have a subject header? It would most likely end up in my spam folder, never read and instantly deleted.

    YOU mention a teaser about what every one has, a mailbox? So what?

    What incentive will that fact give me to open the envelope?

    10,000 Flushing Homes are about to receive
    several offers they can't refuse...will YOUR's
    be one of them?


    If they do open your envelope and read what you have (#5) DON'T expect many calls or emails. Here's why:

    As a business owner, I THINK my situation is unique and different from anyone else's, however untrue that may be, it is what most biz owners think.

    Which is why a personalized letter specifically addressing the owner and his perceived problems, will probably pull better than this shotgun approach you are taking. This being said, your opening does NOT get my very busy business owners ATTENTION.

    Sure, I want MORE customers, but at what cost? What is the lifetime value of a new customer. What many businesses are learning from the Groupon experience that some offers bring in ONE timers, who are never seen again...and they are gun shy of coupon offers over a certain amount.

    So, I'd MAY be inclined to read something that provides proof of my dollars spent.

    As for using At Last and Finally... show me some tested PROOF, I think this is BS advice. But only testing can tell you and with what you are doing, you can't afford the testing.

    Why not use the low cost up front? Reach 10,000 Flushing Homes for Less Than 5 cents each.

    Use this tested and proven program to offer 10,000 Flushing Homes an offer that will convert many into a new customer for you.

    The most cost effective advertising Flushing has to offer is now available. Use this to gain new customers and increase your annual sales by at least 12%

    These are ideas. Your best investment migh be in the Bob Ross materials and his website, where he's solved these problems for you.

    Please write number 6 and scrap most of what you have done and put yourself into a real business owner's shoes, they seldom fall for this type of thing.

    But, I could be wrong too.

    gjabiz





    Originally Posted by Rob28x View Post

    This is my first sales copy, I have been reading "The Ultimate Sales Letter" by Dan Kennedy and wanted some honest feedback. This is for myself, not a client. Thank you in advance.

    EDIT: See revisions below. I will try to keep the first post updated to make it easy to follow.

    Revisions:
    Revision 1: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter2.pdf
    Revision 2: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter3.pdf
    Revision 3: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter4.pdf (Sent out 50 of these so far)
    Revision 5: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter5.pdf (added 8/17/2012)


    Below you will find the original sales letter:

    Don't Let Your Competition Steal YOUR Customers!

    Like most business owners I am sure you understand the importance of customers. Without them, you wouldn't have a business right? So the idea is to get as many customers through your doors as you can - and that takes advertising. But, it's hard to decide where to spend your hard earned advertising dollars. Believe me I know, I have been in your shoes! I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on all sorts of advertising over the years trying to figure out what works, and unfortunately wasting money on what doesn't, so I can feel your pain! That's why I want to help you get the most for your advertising dollars. It all comes down to return on investment, because that's exactly what your advertising should be - an investment that makes you more money!

    Traditionally, you could run radio ad's. But there's a chance that most of the people who do hear your ad on the radio are not in your local area, or they are listening to their MP3 players, or listening to satalite radio in their cars so they will never even hear your advertisement. So how about TV ads? Well those USED to work well too, but now a days with things like DVR's people skip right through the commercials.

    So the next tried and true step would be direct mail. And yes - it does work great - but only when it's done correctly. You have to understand, people are bombarded with advertisements in their mail everyday. Most of it hits the trash can before they have a chance to open it. So I am sure you are wondering how you can beat those odds of being sent right to the landfill. That's where we want to help you! Want the best chance of being noticed by 10,000 potential customers at an affordable price? Then you will want to advertise on our huge 9" x 12" size full color mailers. They do not go unnoticed! They are actually usually the first thing people will see when they open their mailbox because of their size. And just think - your ad is not buried inside an envelope along with your competitors (like some other companies do) that most people just throw away without even opening! With our huge mailer, people will see your ad and your special offer right away as there is no way they can miss it!

    I know what your thinking. It's not going to be cheap to advertise to 10,000 potential clients, with the artwork design, printing, postage, and more. And with a typical direct mail campaign, you would be correct. BUT, luckily for you we are doing a co-op with other local businesses (in other niches of course that do not compete with you since you will be exclusive) to make it more than affordable for you. We are talking only a few pennies per household delivered! No where else will you find that much value for your advertising dollars. But only if you act quickly as it's first come - first served! So if you want to stick it to your competition then call today and make that investment in your business by reserving your spot... before your competition does! Here's your chance to steal THEIR customers!

    Rob Mirsky
    TP Marketing Solutions
    (810) 545-****
    email:

    P.S.- Act today and I will take $100.00 off any ad spot you want. That makes it as low as $0.04 per household - DELIVERED! See the reverse side for the available sizes and pricing.

    P.P.S. - Plus, as an added bonus, we will include your special offer on our mobile website and social media pages. Not only will your future new customers be able to access your special offer from anywhere with their mobile phone, but they will also be able to tell their friends about your business as well! All at no additional cost to you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    You are correct, I have gone through all of the Bob Ross thread (The first 27 page one before he put it in a WSO) and that's where I got the idea. I am doing some light tweaks to it, but following his basic idea.

    I am mailing them in plain white security envelopes, with the addresses printed in a easy to read blue hand written font right on the envelopes, and a real stamp attached to them. The return address just has my address, not the business name. Basically I am using the sneak in method from Dan Kennedy. I will be sending a few times to each business, so I am going to try some other methods as well.

    The paper is a premium gloss paper that it is printed on, I also include an 8 1/2 x 11" glossy full color sample of the post card that has sample ads and the pricing on it for the different ad sizes. My hobby is graphic design so that was the easy part. I also have a full size version that I take with me for door to door sales and will take to any appointments I get from the letters.

    I agree, pretty much everything I have written so far is complete garbage. I think the new one I am working on is much better, from top to bottom. I have learned a lot over the last few days to help vastly improve the next one.
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  • Profile picture of the author JW1980
    Rob28x,

    Wanted to give you a big thank you from another aspiring sales copywriter! I have been writing online for about 10 years, but almost exclusively PLR articles. I want to make the shift to writing sales pages and this process has been fascinating to watch. I'm sure I'll be doing the same soon!

    Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    No problem JW, I am very grateful for this forum. I have really enjoyed learning about marketing and now copywriting. Really looking forward to the feedback weather good or bad on the revision I have been working on over the last few days. I am going a direction with it that I would have never thought to go.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    Trying a different angle on this one:

    Revision 6: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter6.pdf (added 8/20/2012)
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  • Profile picture of the author successproducts
    I've learned something interesting -- people want to avoid PAIN twice as much as they want to gain pleasure .. hit the pain button. I like your revision #6
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Rob, I'm sorry to say none of them will get your desired response.

      Here's why in one word...RESULTS.

      You haven't shown results, as in how many customers these mailings have brought in.

      The big fat want, which others have got.

      Go round up case studies of what others have achieved,
      their numbers, how quickly and ROI.

      Then you've got some eye candy to get their greed kicking in.

      Until you have those elements, then it's going to be a dud, sorry.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
        I will see what I can dig up to use. That's a hard part for me, since this is the first run I don't have any testimonials or results I can use. Bob Ross did post the results he had with his mailers.
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Here's how I've used results in an ad I wrote for a web design firm,
          it brought in $25,000 worth of business in 2 days.

          None of those results were from my client,
          I just dug them up and put them in as the leading theme,
          which was "go with anybody else and you're losing money"

          Best,
          Ewen

          http://www.warriorforum.com/offline-...5k-2-days.html
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    Added a testimonial and some results to version 6, as well as a free offer:

    Revision 6: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter6.pdf (updated 8/21/2012)
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by Rob28x View Post

      Added a testimonial and some results to version 6:

      Revision 6: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter6.pdf (updated 8/21/2012)
      Still weak Rob.

      I can dig up a sack full of positive results of businesses sending out postcards.

      Can you do it?

      You have to hit them with overwhelming case studies
      so that every greed cell in their body is on high alert.

      They have to be whacked out of their slumber.

      Rob, you are putting me through torture here
      knowing that I'm sitting on a sack of case studies how business owners
      got great results sending out post cards.

      Why don't you just get me to do the whole damn thing?

      Pm and I'll see to it.

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    I appreciate the feedback Ewen. I will work on finding more positive results. I wasn't sure how much was required and if it had to be from the same style program or just any direct mail results?

    Also, I am thinking of adding this to the envelope:
    http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/envelope%20note.jpg


    Ewen, I tried to PM you but I do not have enough posts yet.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by Rob28x View Post

      I appreciate the feedback Ewen. I will work on finding more positive results. I wasn't sure how much was required and if it had to be from the same style program or just any direct mail results?

      Also, I am thinking of adding this to the envelope:
      http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/envelope%20note.jpg


      Ewen, I tried to PM you but I do not have enough posts yet.

      Sent you PM and a way to contact me.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
        Sent you an e-mail. Thank you again.
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      • Profile picture of the author Keyword Candy
        Going from your first sales letter to your last was amazing. Great job! Keep on re-writing and testing results and you will do great.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    I think this one is much improved.

    Revision 7: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter7.pdf (added 8/22/2012)
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    • Profile picture of the author Robert_Rand
      Originally Posted by Rob28x View Post

      I think this one is much improved.

      Revision 7: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter7.pdf (added 8/22/2012)
      hehe... nice work. 10 times better than the original.

      But you still need to strengthen the close. Try something like "Look, I know you're bombarded with advertising offers. You're busy. You don't have time to waste. But what if this actually works? Imagine if you had a surge of new business from one cheap little advertising campaign. Actually, this may even become your #1 source of new customers. Besides, what do you have to lose by calling? So pick up the phone right now and ...etc...etc"
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  • You should be working just as hard on your opening paragraph as your headline.

    Instead of "Like most business owners I am sure you understand the importance of customers."

    Try making a powerful statement or a question .

    Say something outrageous to grab their curiosity.. then take the next few paragraphs to explain exactly what you MEAN by that and then suck them in.

    IE.

    Do you give a damn about your customers? Most people dont!

    Heres what I mean...
    Signature

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    • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
      Originally Posted by TheSalesTechnician View Post

      You should be working just as hard on your opening paragraph as your headline.

      Instead of "Like most business owners I am sure you understand the importance of customers."

      Try making a powerful statement like or a question like.

      Say something outrageous to grab their curiosity.. then take the next few paragraphs to explain exactly what you MEAN by that and then suck them in.

      IE.

      Do you give a damn about your customers? Most people dont!

      Heres what I mean...
      Thank you for your feedback, but you are giving me tips based on the original which is long gone.
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  • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
    "Other advertisers who were lucky enough to secure their spot in other markets, have
    experienced an average response rate of 13% , with as high as 22%!"

    This is not correct, please review those stats as they apply to the card as a whole NOT individual responses ,no one business is getting 1300 to 2200 returns from one mailing.

    Personally I hate the lead in paragraph. I would not be looking for people that are so desperate that they would be attracted to that intro. I think most would look at that and say WTF is this guy talking about, my business is doing fine. You are not selling cemetery plots here man!
    Signature
    Promise Big.
    Deliver Bigger.
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  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
    You're trying way too hard to sell someone your services in such a small space. Take ewenmack's approach with the sales letter he did in the thread he linked. He used his letter to get the prospects curious and interested to know more about the answers to those questions he raised in his letter.

    I think you need to do the same. Unless you can stretch out your letter and include more information I don't think you stand a chance at getting any response trying to sell someone your services in such a small space. Think of your letter as an ad on google. Nobody should be trying to sell their service or product in such a small space. The ad is used to create interest and get someone curious enough to click on your ad and see what you have to offer. Then you sell them your service once they hit your website. In your case a phone call or meeting.
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  • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
    Okay, Im going to give you a great idea for a postcard mailing. Very few words.
    On the address size use that sticky note idea with something like "Your competitor does not want you to turn this card over"

    On the other side find an ariel picture of say 300 middle class homes and put the words, something like
    How would you like your sales message hand delivered on a full color giant oversized postcard to every one of these homes for only $15. Call xxxx to find out how.

    You can have a brief disclaimer at bottom saying whatever is necessary so as not to misrepresent.
    Signature
    Promise Big.
    Deliver Bigger.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    Tried another angle instead of doom and gloom...

    Revision 8: http://www.tpmarketingsolutions.com/salesletter8.pdf (added 8/27/2012)
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  • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
    I guess if you write enough of these then one will eventually get the pass.

    That whole section of comparing saturation to targeted is soooooo unnecessary. You lose the whole momentum by using it and it starts hurting their brain. They dont care about all that.

    I can get your ad/message in the hands of a local resident in a format that they cannot help but read for only 5 cents per household , are you interested?

    Thats the offer at the core!
    Signature
    Promise Big.
    Deliver Bigger.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    I understand what your saying.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob28x
    Thanks for the words. I actually came up with something completely different for my sales letter and just sent out 250 of them. I had to take a break from this forum and just buckle down and as Nike says: Just do it.
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