I think my headline sucks =(

by link8
13 replies
Any ideas/suggestions for my headline near the sales video?

Any help will be very much appreciated =)

Here's the site : Phone Photography Tricks

Thanks,

- Louie
#headline #sucks
  • "How to instantly transform your tiny phone camera... into a complete photography studio"

    Without...spending thousands of dollars on special equipment

    Without...spending 200 hours learning photography.

    Without...Even leaving your house...

    Here's the trick...

    PS You may know a better term for "photography studio". But I hope this gives you some ideas.
    Signature

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6868274].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author ykaw97
    I think your headline is fine, perhaps you've adjusted it since you made this post. I think your page is very effective.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6869677].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Thomas Michal
    PHOTOGRAPHY MAGIC - "How to transform ANY photo into a masterpiece in just minutes!"
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6870137].message }}
  • No Expensive Equipment!
    No Photography Experience!
    Stunning Photos With Your Phone’s Camera!
    Guaranteed!

    Discover how you can do it better than the professionals!
    Redefine reality with the camera you carry in your pocket!



    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6870232].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author EaglePiServ
    " Take stunning photos just like the pros do …. ... with spectacular studio-quality results -

    using only your smartphone camera!
    See for yourself...."
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6870820].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
      Well i think it would be important to know how you are advertising this website. Then you can figure out what kind of headline to make.

      In general this product isn't something someone would NEED to have. So you need to really get people wanting your product. Your current approach isn't doing that.

      This paragraph...

      ""The best camera is the one that's always with you. And in most cases these days, that's become the camera inside your smartphone."

      That is a pointless statement that adds no value what so ever. Remove it. Replace it with a headline. I can't believe people are fighting over the headline when you have that block of text taking up the most important real estate and it offers nothing.

      I think your current headline is headed in the right direction, but needs work. I think your best bet at selling a product like this is to either:

      (removed. I think I just gave away too much info).

      Work on the top part of your site and I think you will get huge improvements.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6871126].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author link8
        Yup that's what I think as well... Any ideas for that space? =)

        Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster View Post

        Well i think it would be important to know how you are advertising this website. Then you can figure out what kind of headline to make.

        In general this product isn't something someone would NEED to have. So you need to really get people wanting your product. Your current approach isn't doing that.

        This paragraph...

        ""The best camera is the one that's always with you. And in most cases these days, that's become the camera inside your smartphone."

        That is a pointless statement that adds no value what so ever. Remove it. Replace it with a headline. I can't believe people are fighting over the headline when you have that block of text taking up the most important real estate and it offers nothing.

        I think your current headline is headed in the right direction, but needs work. I think your best bet at selling a product like this is to either:

        (removed. I think I just gave away too much info).

        Work on the top part of your site and I think you will get huge improvements.
        Signature
        Get Paid to Play Games! #1 Video Game Tester Site in Clickbank! www.gamingjobsonline.com
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6874620].message }}
  • I agree with the booster that the paragraph next to the camera is not working, it also does nothing for me, I'd get rid of it. Here's a quick (yet I believe effective) suggestion ...


    No Expensive Equipment!
    No Photography Experience!
    Stunning Photos With Your Phone's Camera!
    Guaranteed!


    (put video here)


    Discover how you can do it better than the professionals!
    Redefine reality with the camera you carry in your pocket!

    (rest of copy)
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6872384].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author George Lee
    I'll give you one of my templates for creating headlines. It is
    Power Verb + Problem + Solution + Time Factor

    So, you could try something like this for a headline:

    "Tired of Disappointing Camera Phone Photos? In Minutes You Can Discover the Secret that Makes Awesome Images that Amaze Family and Friends"

    Hope that helps
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6873864].message }}
    • Booster made a very good point.

      You’re aiming for a market that doesn’t quite know it exists (anyone into "creative" photography will have the specialist gear).

      Yes, people take pics with their phones – but from all the ones I’ve seen they tend to be just “snaps” of friends, parties, gigs etc - spur of the moment type stuff.

      I would work on your first headline (I've changed it slightly - Capping the first letters. Put in inverted comma's - countless tests show it increases the readership by around 30%. And taking out "can" - making it appear it's almost happening - not can happen).

      "In Just A Few Minutes You'll Be Stunning Your Friends With Photos From Your Phone’s Camera Like These - Guaranteed!"

      And create the desire – which lets hope is there.

      Your research hopefully proved it is.

      Even if there was no "research".

      It's not a huge stretch to assume people do want to take cool pics with their phones.


      Steve
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6873923].message }}
  • I honestly think your headline is the least of your problems. But whatever...

    Here's what you currently have:

    Tired of Disappointing Camera Phone Photos?

    No expensive equipment, no photography experience, yet in a few minutes you can be stunning your friends with photos from your phone's camera like these! - guaranteed.
    1. Some nitpickers say that a full stop at the end of a headline halts the reader. Probably voodoo nonsense, but it's better to be safe than sorry.
    2. Is there any niche in which the word 'guaranteed' tacked on at the end of a headline out-pulls a headline without it? I believe John Carlton, in Simple Writing System, argues against that kind of headline.

    Putting those two points together, I like "[...] from your phone's camera like these..."

    But if I were selling your product (and not used cars), my first attempt for the presumed younger demographic would probably look a little like this:

    Phone-cam pics: Yours SUCK because nobody has given you...

    "The 7 Simple Tricks That Will
    Awesomeize Your Phone Camera
    In A Flash"


    And Your Friends Will
    No Longer Think Of You As The Tech-Goof
    Signature
    The Long Sales Letter Is Dead

    You will not find me trying to sell you anything on this forum.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6880015].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author WormEX
    To be honest, that's not bad at all.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[6880035].message }}

Trending Topics