If it's crap, rip it. If it's good, pat me on the back...

by Ben_Doyle

Posted: 12 years ago 13 replies

COPY WRITING

Hey,

I've just written some copy for a WSO that i'm planning to run at some point in the next couple of weeks.

I've kept it short deliberately and I've tried to deliver the message in as few words as possible.

If you could take a quick look at and let me know your thoughts I would be very grateful.

I would usually get Mark Andrews to write for but I wanted a blast at it myself.

If it's crap, rip it. If it's good, pate me on the back...

HERE IT IS

Thanks in advance,

Ben

#back #crap #good #pat #rip

Steve The Copywriter 12 years ago

Ben,

You know what - it's not bad.

Just double, triple and quadruple the fact everything is above board (no offence but if it isn't just bin it).

Emphasise that nobody is going to be blasted with complaints or any legal hassles.

(these will be the two main "concerns" most people will have)

The video could be re - done to make it a bit more snappy.

Steve
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TheSalesBooster 12 years ago

I think if you add some testimonials and a little more proof that the money came from using a list it would be decent enough to stand on its own legs and get serial WSO buyers to grab it, but i think you could add to it...

I think your introduction could be better. I think you need to point out a major problem with list building, such as it can be expensive. The biggest solution your product offers is a free method to building a list. So make sure your prospect knows how expensive it can be and that if they use your product they can get a highly responsive list for free using your method.

Which brings me to another point. Throwing around words like highly responsive don't mean anything to me. Give me numbers. How responsive? 10%? 30%? What is high responsive?

Also I would remake that video. The part where you log in and there's a message about your account being restored threw me off. Made me wonder if your method could get you in trouble with paypal.

Also since your price is only $7 it did drop my resistance a little bit, seeing how it was only $7. I think you could address your price and point out what your getting for only $7.

Overall I think your lacking in proof. Don't leave any questions or doubts in their mind that they need to get this product if they want to succeed. If you can do that you will have a home run product.
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AlexanderBeresford 12 years ago

I'm with Steve here, the first thing on my mind was whether this was really above board and whether I might eventually deal with crap like complaints and legal hassles.

Otherwise ... it's good stuff!
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- Mark Andrews Banned 12 years ago
  
  You've done incredibly well Ben for a first attempt. Good on you.
  
  Just one little tip for you mate, try mixing up longer sentences with some much shorter sentences to help maintain the readers attention. Some of your sentences are a little on the long side which don't necessarily make for easy reading for some international audiences.
  
  Mind you, as you know, I can talk. I'm just as guilty as you are doing this. Maybe it's because we're British and naturally we talk extremely fast therefore longer sentences to us get to be read in a much shorter space of time?
  
  See, there, I've done it again.
  
  On the whole though, a big thumbs up.
  
  Well done!
  
  Kindest regards,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
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laurencewins 12 years ago

I was looking for the buy button. That should speak volumes in itself.
I would mix the length of sentences up as has already been suggested.
But overall. ""PAT"" on the back for you.
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Writer/Editor/Proofreader.
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Mark Pescetti 12 years ago

Hey Ben!

It's definitely not bad, but it's far from a complete letter.

First of all, sentences like this don't work: "In fact, you could be up and running in the next couple of hours and you don’t even need to buy web hosting or a domain name or anything like that."

Make sure you break up your thoughts:

"In fact...

When you take action, you'll be up and running in just a few short hours.

You don't need to buy anything to immediately get started.

No hosting.

No domain.

No website building.

Nothing."

You also need to more clearly explain WHY this is aboveboard.

Your copy isn't creating enough transparency and you're failing to meet the biggest objections that will get prospects to press the buy button.

Dive WAY deeper into the Happy Consequences of owing your product.

What possibilities open up for people that they would NEVER have without taking action?

More targeted traffic?

More leads.

More sales.

More money.

More freedom.

An entirely different reality?

SPELL IT OUT!

Never assume people connect the dots on their own... because they don't.

Lastly...

Your offer stinks.

Dive more into the benefits when you reveal the price.

Keep going...

Mark
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1robert 12 years ago

The name of your product is catchy and the sales letter is excellent for your first attempt.

The design is excellent too.

You should have no problems selling this product
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Ben_Doyle 12 years ago

Thanks for all the input guys!

Not easy this copywriting game!

I'll get to work on it today and come back.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- Mark Andrews Banned 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Ben_Doyle
  
  Thanks for all the input guys!
  
  Not easy this copywriting game!
  
  I'll get to work on it today and come back.
  
  You know you'll be asking me for my help again in a weeks time Ben.
  
  See you soon.
  
  Kindest regards,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
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  Ben_Doyle 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Mark Andrews
  
  You know you'll be asking me for my help again in a weeks time Ben.
  
  See you soon.
  
  Kindest regards,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
  Maybe!
  
  But money's tied up in other things at the minute and spare cash is in short supply.
  
  Anyway, I think it's looking good so far.
  
  You pro-writers might not though...
  
  But what's happenin' with our little 'project'?
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Mark Andrews Banned 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Ben_Doyle
  
  But what's happenin' with our little 'project'?
  
  It's printed out (old version), just needs the makeover.
  
  Thanks for your email btw. I just replied to it.
  
  Could you get back to me please if you see this message first Ben?
  
  Thanks,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
  Thanks
  
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travlinguy 12 years ago

I puke when I see stuff like "Legally Stealing," but that's what your audience loves. Not bad.
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rjweaver10 12 years ago

From my point of view: Looks really good, but I also think you have some valuable advice from these experts ^^
- Thanks
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