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Critique 1 page sales letter

by Unisons
7 replies
This is for a direct mailing campaign. I've decided to stick with one page, businesses owners don't have time reading and flipping through so many pages in a mail.

Attached.

This niches I'm currently targeting don't usually get customers via the Internet. Like Architects etc, they go by tenders and word of mouth, hence it's being written in that manner.

Did check the checklist in the sticky, but as a one page sales letter, i can't squeeze everything in, critique away. Would love to get some feedback.

===Thoughts===
I would like to add more pain to the copy but i'm not too sure where to add and what to remove. First 2 paragraphs co-relates and I hope to let them know that they're possibly losing out clients/customers because of having no website, and not only losing, but giving them away to their clients.

Third paragraph is meant to elaborate the pain. (Not sure if this is needed)

The forth paragraph's the pitch, this is where if they relate to the first 3, this will provide the solution.

Last paragraph's a dilemma for me. I love Steve's comments below, but I'm not exactly sure how do I rephrase this to what he's saying.


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#critique #letter #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Hi Unisons,

    Just a few quick thoughts - hopefully others will point out more "copy" improvements.

    It's not bad.

    I like the headline. I would give more facts on why the client absolutely must have a website. Data on number of searches, the % of business that comes from the web etc.

    The "your site is ready and waiting" is good.

    But a bit spoilt by saying there are 5 of them (it translates 1 for the client and 4 identical ones for your competition).

    You could say - please buy your website within x days or understandably to cover our costs we'll have to offer it to someone else...but we want you to gain all the (benefit, benefit, benefit). And remember we will put the finishing touches on to it - customising it with your unique details - proving why new clients must call you.

    Don't ask questions like "what have you got to lose?" it's too cliched.

    Instead tell them what they will lose.

    And highlight what they will gain.

    Hope this helps,

    And good luck.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Unisons
    Thanks for the comments.

    Would love to add more stuffs, but as said, it's pushing the one page limit haha.

    I would love for them to think it's ONLY for them, when in fact it's not. It's not worth earning from 1 when I can earn from 5. And I wish to make it clear in the letter so when they see other architects' website looking exactly like theirs, they won't get shocked.

    It's afterall in a small country, most architects are under one organization/institute, so they'll be bumping into each other/website.

    Will think about the lose/gain portion, thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    I'm not suggesting you say or do anything dishonest.

    You could say you specialise in websites for architects.

    By all means say you have 5 sites each with the same design "ready to go."

    And that 4 competitors will have identical site designs.

    It's just not very enticing.

    But you can emphasize that you'll be still be making each one unique with the clients specific content.

    Or.

    You could make each site design different.

    And genuinely say that you have a unique design "ready and waiting" - exclusively for the client.

    And you'll make it even more unique with the clients exact details.


    You wouldn't have to say there's 4 identical ones - because there isn't.

    And you wouldn't have to infer - that as soon as you've sold one - you'll be legging it to a competitor trying to sell them the same thing - because you won't be.

    It's not going to be too difficult to make each design a bit different for each client is it?

    So that 5 clients are all happy - with exclusive websites - and are not shocked to see the other 4 are designed to look just like theirs.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Unisons
    I can make each site different, however how would you think about proposing the idea to them? I show them 1 site, they like it, they get it, then after which I edit the template/change layout etc?
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  • Profile picture of the author seovc
    I think that you need to add some of your own opinion but need to be able to keep it open for other people to decide if they agree or disagree with you.
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    • Profile picture of the author Unisons
      Originally Posted by seovc View Post

      I think that you need to add some of your own opinion but need to be able to keep it open for other people to decide if they agree or disagree with you.
      Makes sense, added some of my thoughts to the first post.

      ---
      This will be yours for only $XXX. All the work has been done for you, what do you have to lose? Due to the nature of this offer, it will only be limited to the first 5 businesses that sign up. Take advantage of this offer and contact us via email or phone today!

      to:

      This will for yours for only $XXX. All the work has already been done for you! However this will only be available till DD/MM/YY or we'll have to let this go to another NICHE. Your website will be customized with your details to showcase to your clients. So STOP giving your customers to your competitors due to the lack of a website and contact us today!
      ---

      What do you guys think?
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  • Profile picture of the author Quality Copywriter
    Hi there

    I would do the following

    tell the the promise of what they are going to get right at the begining.

    Do not tell them about the service but rather tell them the benefit they are going to get from reading the letter.

    then hit the with the pain- throw some stats in about how x amount of people are looking up buisnesses online etc to back up your claim.

    in your bullets make them more benefit oriented.

    link them back to solving the problems and pain that you created previously.

    thats for starters

    cheers
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