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Please critique my salesletter (for a product that doesn't exist yet :)

by Thomas
12 replies
Hi Warriors:

I just completed a "pre-salesletter" (if there is such a thing) for a product that isn't actually written yet. I'm using it to check the level of interest but, if it's sufficient to go ahead and actually write the thing, the pre-salesletter will probably become the actual salesletter.

For that reason, I wonder if any of you fine folks might take a minute or two to offer your thoughts on it? I wrote it all in one sitting, so I'm certain there's plenty to pick at.

The intended market will be the same as the various "food crisis" products you may have seen in the Clickbank Marketplace (I'm not the only one who wanders though there looking for ideas and inspiration, am I? )

Here's the link:

Clean Water Technology - The Water Machine

Thanks!
Tommy.
#copywriting #critique #exist #product #review #salesletter
  • Profile picture of the author Don Schenk
    I want one!

    Thomas, I think I found a typo...

    "That's what this simple technology does - let's you access the practically infinite water supply that exists in the air around you with using electricity or pumps... even if you're in the middle of a desert!"

    Should it read without using electricity...?

    :-Don
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    • Profile picture of the author Thomas
      Originally Posted by Don Schenk View Post

      I want one!


      Originally Posted by Don Schenk View Post

      Thomas, I think I found a typo...

      "That's what this simple technology does - let's you access the practically infinite water supply that exists in the air around you with using electricity or pumps... even if you're in the middle of a desert!"

      Should it read without using electricity...?
      It should indeed.

      'Tiz corrected now. Thanks, Don
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      • Profile picture of the author Matt Ausin
        It made me want to know how to build one.

        So it's good
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  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
    I like it. Should be a hit with the disaster prep niche.

    I have a question and possible problem though. How much does it cost? And you make it seem so simple, that if it really is something that is easy to do I'd worry about refund rates.

    Your basically hyping this product up like it's the greatest thing in the world. If you fail to deliver on that promise or it's such a stupidly simple product / idea I think people might feel a bit ripped off if it's too expensive.
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    • Profile picture of the author Thomas
      Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster View Post

      How much does it cost?
      Do you mean the product itself, or the device mentioned in the salesletter?

      If the former, I don't know yet. I probably won't decide on that until it's nearly finished. It's likely to closely match the "food crisis" products I metioned above... though probably less if I can interest any of those product owners in it.

      Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster View Post

      ...if it really is something that is easy to do I'd worry about refund rates.

      ...or it's such a stupidly simple product / idea I think people might feel a bit ripped off if it's too expensive.
      I did have some thoughts along those lines, which is why I inserted the fact that it is not a solar still, which I believe might be the first thing that comes to mind for someone with at least some knowledge of the area (even though the majority of the general public are unlikely to have even heard of a solar still, let alone anything like what I have in mind).

      The truth is, like anything, it is easy... once you know how! If you have a good knowedge of physics and some mathematics, you could probably work out how to make something similar to the device I mention by yourself. The majority of people have neither though.

      And, while the construction of the device is relatively simple, and the materials used are very common, if you don't know the physics involved, you'd never know it was even possible to use those common materials in that simple way to do what it does. (Hope that makes sense! )
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  • Profile picture of the author StefanPaulGeorgi
    I thinks this is quite good. I have the following thoughts/notes suggestions for you.


    1. Personally, I like more of a lead in after the headline, perhaps telling a story of where the machine comes from, how you found out about it, etc….

    2. In your first bullet point, if you’re going to use the Sahara Desert illustration, then I would recommend mentioning that it makes water from air at the same time.

    Why? Because my first thought when I read “Sahara Desert” is that it’s not all that valuable, because it won’t work anywhere, ie. where there’s not already water…. You explain later that this isn’t the case, but I would address it right away.

    3. In your last bullet point, talking about how simple and cheap it is to build them, you might want to consider expanding your positioning to mention that others could build and sell them. That opens up an additional market, for entrepreneurs, and may help increase sales.

    4. I like the mysterious build up of “the device.” As I’m reading it, I start thinking more and more about what it might be…

    5. When talking about existing desalinization technologies, I would use some actual numbers to drive my point home. Like, “costing upwards of $54,000” or whatever.

    6. "In fact, it's SO easy, even children or old people can do it."

    Maybe it’s just me, but “old people” seems condescending here (I know that’s not your intention). Change it to “the elderly.”


    7. Down towards the end when you say: “You'll also learn...” Change to “discover.”


    Again, after reading this, I totally wanted to know how these are made, so I think your copy is highly effective, and does the job.


    - Stefan
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    • Profile picture of the author Thomas
      Originally Posted by StefanPaulGeorgi View Post

      I thinks this is quite good. I have the following thoughts/notes suggestions for you.

      <snip>

      Again, after reading this, I totally wanted to know how these are made, so I think your copy is highly effective, and does the job.
      Thanks, Stefan.

      You made some great points, most of which would never had occured to me! I appreciate you taking the time to do so.

      I'm going to incorporate them into the next revision of the page.

      Thanks again,
      Tommy.
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Hi Thomas,

    Yes it is good.

    You could improve the layout, it's a little difficult to read.

    Try not to write more than 5 line paragraphs. Vary the sizes. And space everything out.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author StefanPaulGeorgi
    No problem Tommy, I'm here anytime you need a critique/another set of eyes.

    - Stefan
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  • Profile picture of the author LuvAbundance
    I think it's pretty darn good..Really like the subtitles to the photos. Great use of graphics.

    Also, about cleaning up the text - I would split test it. Sometimes "ugly" does better! It might just be the case in the survival niche, as they are into DIY.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    I'd call your product something along the lines of The Apocolypse Solution: "Water is the New Oil!"

    "Earth's atmosphere contains more water than the entire human race could ever use... you just have to know how to access it.

    When the shit hits the fan, you'll be the richest person on the planet.

    Imagine...

    You'll be able to take care of yourself and your family - NO MATTER WHAT!

    How much is that peace of mind worth to you?

    Seriously!?!?

    How much???

    The human race can't live without water.

    With The Apocolypse Solution...

    You'll feel empowered in the knowing that you command the most essential commodity for life to exist.

    Blah blah blah..."

    What you wrote isn't bad.

    It's just not HITTING the target emotions you need to focus on in your target market.

    My take.

    Mark
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    • Profile picture of the author Thomas
      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      I'd call your product something along the lines of The Apocolypse Solution: "Water is the New Oil!"

      "Earth's atmosphere contains more water than the entire human race could ever use... you just have to know how to access it.

      When the shit hits the fan, you'll be the richest person on the planet.

      <snip>
      Awesome! (As you guys say! )

      Thanks Mark.
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