Sales Letter Feedback Please

28 replies
I've been pouring my heart and soul into trying to make this a good salesletter and could really do with some feedback please. Please be brutal if necessary as I really want to learn and improve my copywriting skills

Get to the Binaural beat: Sound Therapy Brain Entrainment

Thank you

Helen
#feedback #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author livebig!
    Wow, Helen, I just glanced at your sales letter. It looks good so far. I will have to look at it a little more in depth when I get a chance, but first of all, I find the header image a little distracting... maybe make it a little less intense. I think it takes away from the copy. I also do not like the grey box surrounding the testimonial. Maybe a different color?

    I love your CD images. They are great. I also love your checkboxes instead of the standard bullets.

    Your P.S. and your P.P.S. need some serious work. They are must too short and seem like an afterthought.

    Last but not least, (sorry, I seem to be jumping all over your sales page) you headline and sub-heads need a little work.

    I like the beginning "Announcing the Cure For Getting Things Done", but the rest of it is a bit mushy. I also think it's a bit distracting that part of it is in italics. That may just be me, though.

    I like how you're focusing on the buyer, though. Definitely is good from that standpoint.

    Hope this helps a little
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    • Profile picture of the author mr.steve
      Helen

      Well done for having a go at
      writing your own sales copy.

      But you need to think this
      through a little more.

      Aiming it solely at internet marketers,
      and touting it as a way of earning money
      online, just doesn't work. It's flimsy at best.

      Aim it at a wider market, or one not
      so obvious as the making-money-online
      crowd.

      That apart, the sales letter itself is
      extremely weak.

      No talking about the prospects' problems...

      No proof that the technique works...

      No showing the mechanism that makes
      the product work...

      No painting a vivid picture of the life of
      the prospect once he begins to use
      the product...

      No powerful benefits...

      And much more...

      I would start from scratch.

      Read some copywriting books and great
      sales letters.

      Then give it another go.

      Sorry to be so down on it, but I just don't
      think it works as it stands. Test it, sure.
      But be ready to make major changes.

      You did say be brutal

      Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
    Thank you Steve and LiveBig

    Comments taken onboard.

    Will be working on the headlines, PS and Header.

    And I would have to say that I disagree with some of your points Steve. As at the very beginning of the salespage I identify common problems of IM newbies and then the letter details the solution and how the solution was found.

    There is a section explaining how the product works.

    The only thing I think I should focus on more is

    "No painting a vivid picture of the life of
    the prospect once he begins to use
    the product..."

    Which I will look to do as well.

    I should also mention that I have been reading up and learning about copywriting for the last few months, years in fact, and this sales letter is the result of that reading and learning, so it sounds like I'd better get saving so I can outsource it.
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    • Profile picture of the author mr.steve
      Originally Posted by Helen Doherty View Post

      And I would have to say that I disagree with some of your points Steve. As at the very beginning of the salespage I identify common problems of IM newbies and then the letter details the solution and how the solution was found....


      I should also mention that I have been reading up and learning about copywriting for the last few months, years in fact, and this sales letter is the result of that reading and learning, so it sounds like I'd better get saving so I can outsource it.
      Hey Helen

      No worries about disagreement...
      That's what the boards are for...

      Overall, the structure is basically sound.
      But you just need to give more information
      and sell it more. As for the "IM angle",
      I just think it could be too narrow a market,
      or one that could be difficult to crack.
      Might be worth looking at other markets
      that are interested in these kinds of products.
      It's a big world...

      Keep with it, and let us know how you
      get on. Nothing wrong with testing the page...

      All the best

      Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author JamesMSpacey
    Great product. I'm definitely going to check it out.

    The page looks well structured and I can tell you've put a lot of work into it. Perhaps some more colour and narrow the width of the text. On my screen it made for long lines of text. It is quicker and easier to skim and read when there aren't as many words on one line before they wrap. I have found that when I aim to make the page readable to skimmers as my first priority, with short centered headings placed at regular intervals in red, that it attracts attention and gets visitors to stop for a second. This draws in more would be skimmers for longer and gets more sales.

    Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author dave147
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      • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
        Helen,

        Yes, it may be a very good idea for you to hire someone to work with for this copywriting project.

        BUT - you have not done badly for someone starting out with copywriting! Please don't give up - you do have talent. It's just a little raw right now - give it a bit more time on "simmer" and I think you'll have a whole lot more to offer.

        Perhaps if you start with a general outline for your sales letter, sort of a guide you can follow? And you won't go far wrong if you follow the P's: Picture, Promise, Push. Although this is a ver-ry broad generalization, it is at least a starting point.

        Take all the critiques for what they are worth - as learning tools. Don't be discouraged. Just learn and grow!

        Hope this helps,
        Dot
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  • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
    Thanks James,

    Thank you for your comments.

    Yes I see your point. I could do with structuring it a little better, making it easier to read, breaking up the text a little more, perhaps put a frame around it.

    I'm in for a busy night
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  • Profile picture of the author kingvictory
    Hi helen the Testimonial grey box looks very messy and cramped, also in that there 2 spaces in the first line.

    I'm as skeptical as they come. I was like (2 space)

    Also your first line attention msg should stand out as your are trying to catch attention ..maybe you can give it a red color

    and again the there seems to be more then 1 space between the last 2 blue color text para..
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  • Profile picture of the author kingvictory
    Great sales letter. Your sales letter really attracts readers about your site. your sales letter is very informative and it is nice because the content of your sales letter is there.
    What was that??? She has asked for honest feedback...
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  • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
    Hi King Victory,

    Yes I'm not sure what happened with that first testimonial box, I'm sure there were line breaks on my html editor, will get that fixed.

    I always put two spaces after a full stop. It was what I was taught at typing school.

    Liking the sound of red
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  • Profile picture of the author Patrick_Loh
    Hi Helen,

    Just a thought regarding your headline....

    A cure would be for problem. Eg. A cure for headaches, a cure for depression, a cure for your financial woes, etc.

    So when you say "the cure for getting things done", you really mean "the cure for not getting things done" or perhaps "the cure for procastination."
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  • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
    Valid point Patrick.

    Guess I was trying to be 'clever'.

    It is meant in terms of the "cure for procrastination"

    My brain is busy churning over lots of ideas this afternoon.

    My original title was "The Cure for Internet Marketing OCD", but wasn't sure if that had enough of a curiosity factor to make people want to continue reading.

    Guess I should do some testing.
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    • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
      Hi,

      Here are some thoughts about your homepage:

      * I like your banner. The graphics especially support your concept nicely. But your slogan, "Beats to Change Your Mind" is ambiguous - beats as in rhythm? Beats as in getting whupped? Beats as in heart-beats? You might want to make it more reflective of your message.

      * Your eyebrow and the italicized sub-heads likely should be left-justified. Too much centered text gets hard on the eyes. But I like that you've made it dark blue to support your banner. Good color coordination.

      * Again your eyebrow, "Attn: Do you want to changer your life for the better with little effort?" is too general and too hypey. Eyebrows can be quite powerful - like your slogan, this needs to be succinct and to the point. I often use a quotation for eyebrows.

      *I love your checkmark list bullets! Nicely done.

      * "If you are anything like me..." is not the strongest opening here. My gut says, No! I'm me, not you. And you can use a more precise opener than Dear Friend - for example, how about Dear Internet-Profit-Seeking Friend, or something?

      *Use spell-check. "Suprisingly" is really spelled "Surprisingly", for example. And the text itself should, for computer-reading eyeballs, be sans-serif like Arial or Helvitica. Serif is okay for headers and sub-headers.

      * I'd love to see a photo of you. Gives you credibility just because the readers can identify you as a real live person. And if you can add a compelling caption....

      Okay, that's enough for now.

      Hope this helps,
      Dot
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  • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
    Thank You Dot,

    Some great tips there as well.

    I can see that I'm far from finished!!
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  • Profile picture of the author kenboss
    Hi Helen,

    Well done for putting this together, but I'm afraid I have to agree with those who say this can and should be a lot stronger than it is. It is generally over-written - you need to simplify, simplify, simplify -- and I agree with earlier posts that your should definitely steer clear of implying that this will lead to financial success. But for me, the main thing here is that there are problems with the whole visual presentation.

    Just a few observations --

    What you are in fact selling is not the product, but what it will bring into our life: DYNAMISM!

    But dynamism is exactly what your presentation lacks, and this is due to a number of factors.

    Very important is the overall image that we see when we first arrive at the page - BEFORE we start scrolling. The logo at the top is quite off-putting, and makes the page seem top-heavy, completely overpowering and distracting from your headline. I suggest reducing the logo to about half its present size, and deleting Attn: Do you want to change your life for the better with little effort? which actually clutters the space and has little impact anyway.

    Next, (and we're still talking about the frame as seen before scrolling) I notice that your present the headline, which is the solution, and then you state the problem, which is taking up far more space. May I suggest reversing that, so that you present the problem first, in a tightly controlled space, and then burst forth with the solution!
    Something like (ignore what this layout looks like - you could make it look a lot better than this):
    Fed up with that feeling of internet marketing OCD...
    Forever checking emails, stats...
    Waiting for sales and life changing amounts of money to fall in your lap?

    Announcing the Cure for
    GETTING THINGS DONE!
    You'll have to imagine that all the above words are centred, and that the red words are HUGE- I can't get it to do that on here because I don't know html - but you get the idea.

    So as to the rest of the page - after we start scrolling:

    Frankly, it's pretty drab. Go through and edit your writing so that it is MUCH more concise - forget about details like you ripped from the cd's so you could hear it on your MP3 player, etc. Use a bigger and bolder font throughout - and narrow those margins - your page is too wide and that makes it feel harder to read. Remember, people like to skim to get the the heart of your message. If they can't they'll leave.

    Don't use blue at all - it is really undermining your message throughout. . It is not a dynamic colour, and it's giving your page a washed out, depressing feeling. I would suggest a rich green, which suggests that this is a natural, healthy process, and judicious use of bright red (as above), which is extremely dynamic, for the boldest stuff.

    You have three separate lists of bullet points - but only one of them is talking about the product -- that is a big mistake, especially as you use the same checkmark icons in all three lists. First it's a list of all the problems faced by beginner marketers. Then it's a list of what our brain does during sleep. Then only in the third list do we extoll the virtues of the product. Using the same icons for three very different subjects is confusing - but more importantly, when people scroll through a salespage, they are already conditioned to expect any bullet lists to be LISTING THE ADVANTAGES OF THE PRODUCT. So that is the ONLY thing you should use bullet points for.

    Your testimonial boxes are a disaster. Don't centre the text like that, it just looks weird, do NOT use that depressing grey, use something bright like yellow or better still no background colour at all - just change the colour size and style of the text itself and it will stand out fine and look a lot less amateurish. And delete the word Testimonial - we can see what it is. You could use a lot more testimonials too - why not offer it here at a reduced price as a WSO and invite Warriors to submit their own testimonials?

    Final observation - I had to search through the text twice to find out whether this was a physical product or a download - finally I noticed some sentences buried the end about not being cd's taking weeks to arrive, etc. etc. -- just delete all that and replace it with huge red letters - GET INSTANT ACCESS NOW! above the order button.

    And while it's allright to pitch to beginner internet marketers, I think you should experiment with a second sales page appealing to a MUCH broader market - students, offline business people, housewives etc.
    OK - you said be brutal, I didn't pull punches. Hope it was helpful!

    cheers
    Ken
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  • Profile picture of the author Adaptive
    Helen,

    I'm afraid I join the chorus suggesting you rethink your approach.

    What market would you most like to serve?
    What is the age, gender, geographic, interest etc. distribution of that market?
    What are their greatest concerns and desires which they are already putting money into?
    What does the competition excel at and what market demand is not met by the competition?
    How does your offer uniquely fill the unmet need?
    What gets attention of the market, piques their interest, demonstrates competence and trustworthiness, builds desire and inspires action?

    Depressed in the pub, found someone who happens to be a therapist... sorry, it's a story I'd love to hear in person from a friend, but it's not convincing to me as a source of credibility for buying a product.

    I'm also confused by whether the focus should be on the binaurals, the nature sounds, or the software. And are the binaural affirmations on the nature sounds? Does the software also play nature sounds?

    The letter really seems to me like a solution in search of a problem, rather than the natural response to a proven need from a proven market.

    I hope this wasn't too harsh...

    Regards,
    Allen
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    • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
      Originally Posted by Adaptive View Post


      it's a story I'd love to hear in person from a friend, but it's not convincing to me as a source of credibility for buying a product.
      I thought that copywriting was about writing like you would to a friend. That was my whole mindset whilst writing it. There are other sources of credibility like testimonial, opportunity to test one out for yourself and and iron clad guarantee.

      I must have been studying the wrong books and copywriters.

      Originally Posted by Adaptive View Post

      I'm also confused by whether the focus should be on the binaurals, the nature sounds, or the software. And are the binaural affirmations on the nature sounds? Does the software also play nature sounds?
      They are bonuses and clearly marked as so.

      Guess I'll have to seriously look into outsourcing copywriting then and stop wasting my time trying to do it myself.
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      • Profile picture of the author mr.steve
        Originally Posted by Helen Doherty View Post

        Guess I'll have to seriously look into outsourcing copywriting then and stop wasting my time trying to do it myself.
        That could be one of the best
        business decisions you ever make.

        There are some good copywriters
        here on the forum who can do a
        great job for you. Who you hire will
        depend on your budget.

        The most important thing is not to go
        the super-cheap route. If you want
        results you have to be willing to pay
        a decent fee.

        Good luck, and all the best

        Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Helen-

    This isn't bad for a first attempt. There's
    definitely a lot of improvement needed
    though.

    First up, your prehead :

    Attn: Become more productive by just listening to audios on your MP3 Player.

    It's a little pedestrian, and it doesn't speak
    to anyone specifically. The best preheads
    work by calling out to and resonating with
    the exact people you're trying to target.
    It's also a lot better if you have something
    in the prehead to entice them into reading
    more of the page.

    Second - your page is too wide. A wide page
    like that seems like more work to read than
    a narrow one, so most people won't bother.
    Try and narrow it to between 650 and about
    715 px max.

    Also, the bullet points right at the start -
    there are too many of them, and it doesn't
    really entice the reader any further in. I'd
    cut the weakest 2, and jazz up the other
    three so the readers are climbing over each
    other to get to the rest of the letter.

    Lastly, I've got to agree with Mr Steve
    and the others who mentioned it- I'm not
    sure pitching this as an IM productivity
    booster is the way to go. The IM market
    is harder to sell than most, as they know
    a lot of the tricks. I wouldn't be surprised
    if people are assuming this is some kind of
    PLR product you bought and just put up a
    quick salespage.

    I think a better angle would suit the product
    more, and bottom line, make you more money.

    There's a lot more but that's about all I've
    got time for.

    Good luck.

    -David Raybould

    PS- 2 final points...I think the product reveal
    comes way too early, before you've established
    anything at all with the reader, and your
    testimonials are too wide. Put them at the side
    of the page, unless they are exciting enough to
    warrant a full middle spread. They're going to
    disrupt the flow, and that will cost you sales.
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  • Profile picture of the author BigBenForCanton
    Every day, the way you're using it should be two words. It's not in the description mode like; these are not your ordinary everyday cd's. These are CD's you use EVERY DAY.

    Description: Everyday-- Repetition: Every Day.

    You're sub-headline is also grammatically incorrect. It should read: "Is your day over yet you've GOTTEN nothing done." You have it written as 'got.'
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    • Profile picture of the author mr.steve
      Originally Posted by BigBenForCanton View Post

      You're sub-headline is also grammatically incorrect. It should read: "Is your day over yet you've GOTTEN nothing done." You have it written as 'got.'
      Incorrect grammar never stopped a sales letter
      from being a winner. Neither did the odd spelling
      mistake.

      As for "got" being grammatically incorrect,
      take a look at where Helen is from. She's a Brit.
      "Gotten" hasn't been standard in the UK for
      about 300 years.

      Helen, if you're still around... If this is aimed at
      US readers, it might be better to go with "gotten".
      But the Big Ben might have just handed you a
      cracking USP, one used in a sales letter by
      The Economist to ramp up its US readership
      a few years ago.

      Man, I can almost feel this sales letter writing itself...

      Cheers

      Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
    I'm still here.

    Listening, reading, learning

    I think I will keep plugging away at improving this salesletter myself, using everyones advice, studying a couple of salesletters offering the same type of thing.

    I'm going to be stubborn though in keeping it aimed at internet newbies, because I am building a list around this site giving a free binaural beats audio away on the giveaway sites, and most of these are IM related.

    Although as someone mentioned earlier a couple of variations wouldn't hurt either. They will be in the pipeline.

    This is sort of a 'side' project for me, and it will help me learn more about copywriting and adding the sizzle, which seems to be somewhat missing at the mo.

    But at least I know now for my 'main' project, I will be requiring a copywriter.
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    • Profile picture of the author mr.steve
      Originally Posted by Helen Doherty View Post

      I'm still here.

      Listening, reading, learning
      Good for you. Keep on keeping on...
      And the best of British to you!

      Steve P
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  • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
    Just made a sale

    Does dance around living room.

    So it can't be all bad (just can be improved somewhat) LOL
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    • Profile picture of the author mr.steve
      Originally Posted by Helen Doherty View Post

      Just made a sale

      Does dance around living room.

      So it can't be all bad (just can be improved somewhat) LOL
      You're on your way...

      Out of interest, how are you driving traffic
      to your sales page? PPC? Article marketing?
      Just wondered.

      Cheers

      Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Helen Doherty
    Hi Steve,

    At the moment all my traffic is mainly from giving away the relaxing binaural beats MP3 on giveaway sites.

    Going to try some article marketing shortly as well, once I've made one or two more changes to salespage. (Have a couple up on Ezine Articles already, which get a few hits too)

    Got to improve my squeeze page as my first task, that's number one priority this weekend.
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  • Profile picture of the author mr.steve
    Good stuff.

    Keep at it...

    Steve
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