Could I Get Some Critique On New Page

A few, very quick thoughts:

Your headline and video are generic, heard-it-all-before stuff (and your video makes a CTA that seems to have nothing to do with the rest of your pitch). And either do something with the bear or shoot it.

Who's your target client?

Cut your line length down.

The subhead under the video is better than the main headline but you don't expand on it enough.

The writing could be tightened up and the flow needs improving (I find the easiest way to do this is to read the copy out loud, it helps make problems more apparent).

Don't tell me about your corporate clients, show me (same for your 200% claim). Or at least tell me why you can't show me.

You're using terms like "Tier 2 Scrapebox Blast" will any of your clients know what that means? Focus on the benefits as well as the features.

There's no congruence to your design, it looks just like a load of random WSO graphics.

If you can get over $5,000 for this service why are you selling it at this price?

Your offer wants looking at, there's nothing there to convince me to take anything but the cheapest option. And you don't make it clear that it's a continuity deal.

If you only take so many new clients a month be more specific - how many places have you got left? How soon do you usually sell out? How many people will be seeing the sales page? Etc.

Hope that helps.

You are in the commodity game.

Get out.

Here's how you do it.

Never use the term SEO and don't list what you do
in which people can price compare.

Get some authority by having a press release made up
and have it distributed to top news outlets.

Once done, grab their logos and put them in a dominate position
and above them write this "Featured in these top news outlets..."

Give new names to your processes which are proprietary.

Give the reason why the smaller price is because less competitive
markets don't require as heavy artillery you've used in prior tough situations.

This sets you up for framing your work as being easy-peasy to
take the buying traffic and hand grenades are all you need,
not a jet bomber! Much less expensive to deploy
and strike.

This headline sets you up for the whole premise and offer in which I've talked about...

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When Website Traffic Gives a 10 To 1 Return For These Street-Smart People...They Gladly Hand Over $5,000 Every Month To Get It...Not For You Though
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Those are the BIG ideas which will make a BIG difference,
there are a number of smaller ones which need to be in place
to maximize your offer.

Best,
Ewen

Thank you guys so much. I'll take a look at fixing the things you noted.

That was exactly what I was looking for.

Don't sell SEO/Tweets/Backlinks and blasts... you can buy those for $5 on fiverr...

Sell them what you will accomplish - more business

Most of these guys won't even know what you're talking about anyway.

Also, how are you justifying giving me the SAME $5,000 package for $99 - $750?

Hi bs,

I may be like your smaller clients, technically dense with just a glimmer of understanding on SEO.

Here's my thoughts in what I think you're saying (I may be wrong) - you say your SEO works well for a smaller company - and gets similar results to a large corporation but they are "toned down." What does "toned down" actually mean?

You obviously say it's not as powerful - so how and what results is it really aiming to achieve?

I'm sure there's good answers to this - and you should explain them in your copy.


Steve

Yes, it's now beginning to make more sense.

So, could you say - by using your expertise you can help a small/medium business nip "under the radar" and get a very high ranking on the search engines?

If so - you want to get this point across in your copy - as in hammer it across.

Really make business owners understand how it can be achieved. But state it takes a true specialist to do it (you don't want to give away the techniques because potential clients may try it themselves - and very likely make a hash of it).

You don't want to "educate" people. Instead you want to channel their desire (to get high rankings) by proving what they thought was almost impossible can actually be done.

Steve

... Make the design clean, clear and concise. And the copy persuasive, compelling and irresistible.

This gets you the highest response.

Whatever you do - don't make it look or read like "hype" (which most SEO pitches do).

And don't rage, shout and scream - knocking out dozens of words which we don't understand. (which most SEO pitches do). Explain and clarify everything.

Don't let people say "Yea, yea, another so called SEO wonder deal - NEXT!"

In a world cluttered with SEO "experts" you want to be leagues above the rest.

By conclusively proving you DO know how it's done - with the true expertise and professionalism - which gets the results.

Because that's what your people want.

BTW - You have got quite a good guarantee - but could you make it more specific.

Sorry to say this but as Andrew mentioned on thread 2 - will you humanely shoot the bear.

Alright, I know it's part of the company name - so maybe don't kill it - but get a designer to improve it.

Before you do - ask yourself - is a logo of a bear really going to increase the revenues?

We've already got pandas and penguins involved in SEO do we have to have a bear as well?


Steve


P.S. If you feel you MUST use the bear - read this -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear

And pick the most fascinating fact about them that relates perfectly to SEO and put it in the copy.

The heading right below your video: "Tired of the typical B.S. that surrounds SEO?" compels me to read more than beginning with "Presenting Bearrific". I don't care about the name Bearrific, it doesn't mean anything to me, and I don't care if your service is revised. Maybe you could put that a bit later in your copy - starting with what's in it for me would definitely compel me to continue reading...more so than how your copy currently begins.

Thank guys.

1 - I'll kill the bear

2 - Going to spend some good money on a graphic designer to make it look awesome

3 - Will work on copy - Probably going to get rid of the current headline and go more towards the 'No BS SEO campaign' route, where I explain why its important to have professional rather than cheap SEO

Once again, I can't thank you guys enough. You've really made a huge difference in this, and it will absolutely help me succeed.. I really appreciate it.

...ohh no.

The worst words any of us here copywriters could possibly hear.

"I'll spend good money on the design"

"And tinker about with the copy and hope for the best" (that was my translation).

Please don't make it a nice, sparkly, shiny designed site - which nobody is ever going to read.

Just make it a decent design and really, really work on the copy.


Steve

I think you need to take a closer look at your ideal customer persona.

In my opinion, it's not really clear, or you haven't really delved deep
enough into the mind of your prospect. You need to understand their
common objections, thoughts, emotions, habits, trends, news, reflexes,
actions, lifestyle etc...

Basically, "stalk" them until you know them like your kid. (in the copy
research way, of course - though Bencivenga did stalk some guards
for copy research, as an example)

For example, Google Panda is hot news. If people hear it from their
competitors, and you don't have a stand in it... There's something
missing.

Remember that most of your customers are up to a very high level
of market sophistication. They have seen tons of products and they
obviously know their terms and technicalities very well.

Try and appeal on a more emotional level, and yet give "supporting"
reasons to let them justify their decisions.

For every claim you do... try and support it with an existing example
that is happening in real-life. Something that is solid proof, or
undeniable... Or something they can self-verify for themselves.

Sometimes you need to prompt them in the direction - you need to
cast that "liquid hot iron" (ideas) into the "mold" (imagination).

Your testimonials can stand out even more... Give it a headline!

"Raised our quarterly profits by 22%..."
bla-bla-bla-bla

1 testimonial doesn't give the "wtf" herd emotion going. Try to lump
about 3 testimonials together, and see if that doesn't give you a
boost... (There is never "enough" proof)

Increase the size of your video if it contains a bigger portion of
your sales pitch over your text.

Your risk reversal is a little weak... You could work on your offer
and reframing a little more than that. It's a "tinier piece of copy" in
a large piece of copy.

Every line has to PROMPT your reader to read the next line.

Prompt their eyes to the right direction, if you're using "design".

By the way, it has been proven: Again, again, again, again and again
that long copy design outstrips conversions of any other page of
similar content.

"Kind of Ugly" converts.

Unless you're in the "design" market or something where it has to be
consistent with your image. Or fashion, for example.

Your design for text at least, has to make it more readible, instead of
invisible.

Light green on white is not acceptable. The contrast is bad.

Black on white is best. Black on light yellow is next, etc. Try to keep
away from reverse-color text.

Your video gives off the impression of a little "corporate speak"...

Don't believe us, or what anyone of us says. We have no idea, only
experience. It's up to you to split-test and see what works.

Though I'm pretty confident it could raise your conversion rates even
if it's by a notch.

By the way... Who's behind Bearrific? I don't think I managed to
identify the service with a real person...

Winston Tian

Hmm, definitely solid advice.

I realize that I'm not a copywriter so I've outsourced that to a well-known copywriter on this forum, so don't think I'm taking the copy-side of things lightly.

But anyway, I'm now starting to realize that I've left out a huge gap in my service, and I really need to add these different parts in that you all recommended to increase my conversions.

I'm taking all of your advice into account and I'm going to work on it, but there's actually a ton of stuff that I need to get done now, 99% of it being copy/sales page related. In the end, the only thing that matters is how well it converts as that will be my only business, so I need to do everything I can to boost it.

Thanks!

EDIT: Also, why does 'kind of ugly' convert?

..."kind of ugly" converts well - because it's different. It's not corporate "glossy". And it's not amateurish "shabby" (one means expensive, the other means you don't really know what your doing).

It's just real. And with the right words people instantly see you are an SEO specialist which is exactly what you want.

Not someone besotted with their image, ego and company logo (corporate). Or someone desperately having a shot at SEO and hyping up their lack of skill (amateur).

Most importantly, you're seen to be passionate in giving your clients a sensational service by concentrating much more on the copy which proves just how good you are.

And if you really want to prove that you're a true expert in SEO - the best way to do it is offer a tangible guarantee.

Because everything else in SEO is just theory - people want measurable results.

Their site zooming up the rankings.


Steve

I think your paragraphs are too long. My first impression is that it's a chore to read. Also, you have some punctuation and grammatical errors that you should address. For example, the paragraph that begins "Are you willing to do..." needs a question mark.

Font changes sizes quite a bit, which is kind of awkward on the eyes.