My sales letter for everybody but sells to nobody

22 replies
Check it out at The Froogle Webmaster's Guide - Sales letter (promo page)
#letter #sales #sells
  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Tmursch-

    You've got a decent looking page, but at no
    point does it entice the reader into buying
    anything.

    You need to couple the clean design with
    some hard hitting copy. As it is the site
    comes across as half ecommerce and half
    long form salesletter. Unfortunately it's so
    squarely between them that it's not going
    to work as either.

    The first thing I would do is decide on your
    target market. I know the web is for
    everyone, but you'll find it much easier to
    sell if you can narrow it down. It's very
    important to aim at a specific kind of person,
    and tailor your copy to them.

    When you've got a target market in mind,
    come up with a new headline. You need
    something that speaks to YOUR prospect,
    and draws him further into the letter.

    Forget about pitching the product in the
    subhead too, this is expensive real estate
    and should be used to pull them into the
    letter and give them a reason for reading
    on.

    There's plenty more that needs changing
    too, but if you at least get your headline
    and subheads etc fixed, you'll be a lot better
    off than you are now.

    Good luck.

    -David Raybould

    PS- Once you get your target market focused,
    adjust the opening into your letter to reflect that.
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author tgrpublishing
    I'm confused...

    Froogle = Google's shopping search engine.
    Frugal = being economical.

    Does your product show me how to use Froogle to build a website?
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  • Profile picture of the author BigBenForCanton
    FACT: Wendy's Double-Stacks are .99 each.
    FACT: Wendy's has 10 menu items for. .99 each.
    FACT: New guy just got a hair cut.
    Are you guys gonna keep saying 'FACT'?
    FACT.

    That was exactly what I took from that sales page and I'm pretty sure you're not selling hamburgers.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Your subject line says it all...

    You've got a nice looking and clean design, but your copy, and more importantly, your OFFER appeals directly to no one. Your headline is essentially meaningless in this day and age when anyone can build a website using a hosted web builder service or a blog.

    You're tossing a fairly vague offer out into the ocean and hoping someone will float up to it sometime.

    Get specific.

    But nice job on the design, it looks nice.

    Best,

    Brian
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    • Profile picture of the author tmursch
      Originally Posted by LoudMac View Post

      Your headline is essentially meaningless in this day and age when anyone can build a website using a hosted web builder service or a blog.
      Good point on this, I will plan to tailor the headline to the specific targeted customer. My affiliates suggested I do a bunch of customized promo pages instead of the ATTENTION EVERYBODY crap.

      Originally Posted by David Raybould View Post

      Tmursch-

      You've got a decent looking page, but at no
      point does it entice the reader into buying
      anything.

      You need to couple the clean design with
      some hard hitting copy. As it is the site
      comes across as half ecommerce and half
      long form salesletter. Unfortunately it's so
      squarely between them that it's not going
      to work as either.

      The first thing I would do is decide on your
      target market. I know the web is for
      everyone, but you'll find it much easier to
      sell if you can narrow it down. It's very
      important to aim at a specific kind of person,
      and tailor your copy to them.

      When you've got a target market in mind,
      come up with a new headline. You need
      something that speaks to YOUR prospect,
      and draws him further into the letter.

      Forget about pitching the product in the
      subhead too, this is expensive real estate
      and should be used to pull them into the
      letter and give them a reason for reading
      on.
      I appreciate the feedback. I will begin chopping my four main targets into four separate promo/pitch pages.
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  • Profile picture of the author AnarchyAds
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author tmursch
      Originally Posted by AnarchyAds View Post

      I would not by anything from someone who cannot spell "frugal".
      I would figure they were an offshore scammer.

      If I needed a webpage, I would hire a designer.
      If I wanted to learn how to design a website, you would not need to convince me that I needed one - so you can take all that part out.
      Does anyone know if there is an anti-thanks button anywhere? I need to use it ASAP!
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      • Profile picture of the author tgrpublishing
        Originally Posted by tmursch View Post

        Does anyone know if there is an anti-thanks button anywhere? I need to use it ASAP!
        He (and I) makes a valid point. You've spelt "frugal" wrong. It's a huge problem for anyone that knows how to spell it properly (most people, I would imagine), and anyone who knows what Google's Froogle service is.

        Did you do it on purpose? Does your product have anything to do with Froogle?

        To put this into perspective, I released a product recently and got the marketing pitch totally wrong. I was describing the product and advertising it in a way which my target market couldn't relate to and didn't understand. Now I've rebranded the product it sells like hotcakes.

        It's exactly the same book, 99% same sales copy, but with a different name and graphics. What you call the book, and how you present it to your prospects makes a HUGE difference to their opinion of it and how it meets their needs.
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        • Profile picture of the author tmursch
          Originally Posted by tgrpublishing View Post

          He (and I) makes a valid point. You've spelt "frugal" wrong. It's a huge problem for anyone that knows how to spell it properly (most people, I would imagine), and anyone who knows what Google's Froogle service is.

          Did you do it on purpose? Does your product have anything to do with Froogle?

          To put this into perspective, I released a product recently and got the marketing pitch totally wrong. I was describing the product and advertising it in a way which my target market couldn't relate to and didn't understand. Now I've rebranded the product it sells like hotcakes.

          It's exactly the same book, 99% same sales copy, but with a different name and graphics. What you call the book, and how you present it to your prospects makes a HUGE difference to their opinion of it and how it meets their needs.
          Yes,YOU do make a valid point because you offer detailed constructive criticism instead of just popping in to take a shit on my product like he did.

          Yeah I hope to God that I spelled it wrong on purpose. I also did a small test survey on the name before I released it and not one person knew what Froogle was. The only people who know what Froogle was is are very internet savvy people. I did an consulted and patent attorney to make sure Google has abandoned trademarks claims since they have long given up on the name for their product search.

          I was well aware that the name might not work and have "contingency domain names" ready to go if the need arises for rebranding.

          I appreciate you giving your opinion on the matter in a professional way and I will consider making changes similar to what you did with your product in the future .
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by AnarchyAds View Post

      I would not by anything from someone who cannot spell "frugal".
      I would figure they were an offshore scammer.

      If I needed a webpage, I would hire a designer.
      If I wanted to learn how to design a website, you would not need to convince me that I needed one - so you can take all that part out.
      You would not "by" huh? Glasshouses my son. Glasshouses.
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  • Profile picture of the author OnlineWriter
    I guarantee you'd get better results with Fraggle Webmaster.

    "Froogle" gets very low searches per month.
    "Fraggle" got 165,000 last month alone! Maybe you can use a puppet for a line of videos?

    I'm assuming froogle is just a play on the word frugal but it just isn't going to work. Scrap that domain and start over.
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Here's some thoughts for you...

    You're missing a ton of potential customers in the subhead, and your not speaking directly to any one of them.

    What if I'm not a baker, artist, translator...ect but I am a small business owner who realizes I need a web presence? You're completely missing me.

    You could be speaking directly to me, and all of the others you mention, just by rewording the copy...

    "Own A Small Business?"

    "Jane Doe Was Struggling To Get By... Until A Simple Website That Cost Her Less Than $10 A Year Brought In Over $122,000 Worth Of New Business In Less Than 4 Months..."

    Second thought, there's no "slippery slide". My first reaction to the copy is "yawn". No offense, it's just boring.

    Third, if I'm a small business, and I don't have a website, why the hell do I need one?

    This is a great opportunity to get me into the copy and get me interested in a website.

    Maybe a great story about how a struggling company turned itself around with a simple website that cost less than $10 a year. How it drove leads and sales, how it completely changed the life of the business owner...

    Just a few ideas for you.

    -Scott
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    Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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  • Profile picture of the author absolutelee
    Honestly, My main take on this is that your whole business model might be wrong. Who are you trying to sell to? What are their specific needs? Why do they want a website in the first place?

    The whole first part of the letter is features, not benefits. Why does an artist even need a website? Well to sell stuff, of course. Why sell stuff? To make money. Why make money? Right there's where you need to be hitting. Right where your potential customer's emotional weaknesses are.

    Just a thought...and I hope you take this as constructive criticism.

    Lee
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    • Profile picture of the author tmursch
      Originally Posted by absolutelee View Post

      The whole first part of the letter is features, not benefits. Why does an artist even need a website? Well to sell stuff, of course. Why sell stuff? To make money. Why make money? Right there's where you need to be hitting. Right where your potential customer's emotional weaknesses are.

      This is pure GOLD! I was selling features and not benefits.

      Time to write a new sales copy
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Lam
    There's already enough comments on the copy. My suggestion is to hire a professional graphic design artist. Spend about $100-$150 on the right person and you'll be alright.

    I mean, yeah, the copy needs to improve. If I were to rate it on a scale of 1-10 for a good copy, it's a #3.

    Go to this thread for a little copywriting tip: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...marketing.html

    Okay, I'll throw in some more advice.

    Remove the "Attention" section. Waste of space. Replace the picture of the girl in front of the laptop with something better. She's boring and she doesn't really tell the story or explain the situation. Waste of space. Take out the FAQ section. Waste of space. Change your font style. It's out of character - don't question me, just do it. Shrink the width of the testimonials. Scatter them throughout the site. Top, middle, bottom, etc.

    That's my advice for the existing content, however, you really do need to re-write it. It's not very compelling. My advice on re-writing is being consistent. Tell them what you wanna tell them. Tell them what you wanted to tell them. Tell them what you just told them. Do it in a manner that sticks the message into their head.

    Right now, I see you jumping around on different points but you're not tying the points in together. I think you expect people to connect the dots on their own (remember you're targeting, they might not get it). You've got the horse by the reigns. You're in charge. Take them to the watering hole and let them drink.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Originally Posted by tmursch View Post

    Check it out at The Froogle Webmaster's Guide - Sales letter (promo page)
    Your page is infected. You need me - the Landing Page Doctor. This is right up my alley. This is what I do. Currently working on 6 other Warriors LPs but got room for you this week. And you're in luck. I'm currently running a WSO
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  • Profile picture of the author mrdomains
    Most comments have already outlined why your page is not working. You might also consider taking out the link to your forum that is empty and indicats quite clearly to everyone that nobody is buying.
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    Free action plan : Think less. Do more.

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    • Profile picture of the author tmursch
      Originally Posted by mrdomains View Post

      Most comments have already outlined why your page is not working. You might also consider taking out the link to your forum that is empty and indicats quite clearly to everyone that nobody is buying.
      It's a private forum.

      Statistics

      Total posts 39 • Total topics 17 • Total members 10 • Our newest member rezadent


      Doesn't look empty either.
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  • Profile picture of the author reynald2790
    Hi in your FAQ it seems that you have wrong in your question "Shouldn't I pay somebody to make a website for me?" it should be Should I pay someone to make a website for me? That is all I can see on your sales letter. But over all you need more editting in your sales letter because " I think it is not convincive to anyone's eyes. I mean the thoughts are there but it can bring people to use your guide in making a website by theirselves. "
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    Hi! I am Reynald Laque Logan | Reynald Logan Dreams, 22 years old. Living in Dumaguete City “The City of Gentle People.” I am a pure Filipino Citizen. I am a Freelance Provider preferably working at oDesk.

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    • Profile picture of the author tmursch
      Originally Posted by reynald2790 View Post

      Hi in your FAQ it seems that you have wrong in your question "Shouldn't I pay somebody to make a website for me?" it should be Should I pay someone to make a website for me? That is all I can see on your sales letter. But over all you need more editting in your sales letter because " I think it is not convincive to anyone's eyes. I mean the thoughts are there but it can bring people to use your guide in making a website by theirselves. "
      Yes, a FAQ rewrite in this the works. It was a copy-n-paste carryover from Questions page on the regular site.
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  • Profile picture of the author Adaptive
    Artists, Entrepreneurs, Small Business Owners, and Students
    That's a big part of the problem right there.

    Make a separate sales letter for each group.

    The artist's guide to making the Internet into your own personally gallery... for under $10 a year!

    The enterpreneur's guide to boostrap your way to Internet profits, starting from scratch!

    The small business guide to getting your business online, fast, for less money than you're already spending on coffee!

    The starving student's guide to a personal web presence for only $10!

    These are dumb headlines, but they demonstrate the idea.

    Each of these groups will need a completely different way to show that you understand their situation... that you care about how hard it is... that you know how happy they'll be to discover your solution...

    ... and it just happens that they all are sold exactly the same product.

    Unless, of course, you want to change 25% of the content with examples and testimonials specific to each market.

    As it is now, your sales page is like a sign advertising
    The All-in-one Coffee Shop, Quick Oil Change, Newstand and Dry-Cleaner that Gets You Ready For Work!
    Sorry, before I've had morning coffee I'd drive right past that place! But if one owner controlled those four adjacent shops, I might visit each of them for their own specialty!

    Regards,
    Allen
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    • Profile picture of the author tmursch
      Originally Posted by Adaptive View Post

      That's a big part of the problem right there.

      Make a separate sales letter for each group.

      The artist's guide to making the Internet into your own personally gallery... for under $10 a year!

      The enterpreneur's guide to boostrap your way to Internet profits, starting from scratch!

      The small business guide to getting your business online, fast, for less money than you're already spending on coffee!

      The starving student's guide to a personal web presence for only $10!

      These are dumb headlines, but they demonstrate the idea.

      Each of these groups will need a completely different way to show that you understand their situation... that you care about how hard it is... that you know how happy they'll be to discover your solution...

      ... and it just happens that they all are sold exactly the same product.

      Unless, of course, you want to change 25% of the content with examples and testimonials specific to each market.

      As it is now, your sales page is like a sign advertising
      The All-in-one Coffee Shop, Quick Oil Change, Newstand and Dry-Cleaner that Gets You Ready For Work!
      Sorry, before I've had morning coffee I'd drive right past that place! But if one owner controlled those four adjacent shops, I might visit each of them for their own specialty!

      Regards,
      Allen
      Many thanks for this input. This is what I plan to do once I get my PPC campaign fully optimized.
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