Could you please critique my sales letter...

8 replies
I was wondering if you could take a look at my sales letter. This is my first and would like some input for improving it. I am finishing some tweaks and editing some errors to finish it but it's pretty much there. Could you look at the:



Any design flaws

Give an opinion about the price/value

Thank you

Peter Soos
#critique #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    The letter is all claims, zero proof. The example web site is pretty, but a pointless waste of space. (It's just not that "beautiful" and the header looks like an amateur took a whack at a tempate).

    Further it doesn't show any particularly sound UI insights of the type you claim as putting the reader in the top 5%. Demo sites with zero users and no track record don't cut it.

    A before/after showing results and talking about specific changes would help.

    The letter is weak. It makes a lot of the newbie mistakes, including credibility mistakes. You have to get off the "pretty is everything" kick and start developing what actually puts people in that 5% -- interaction design and tested user results.

    Consequently the value building is very weak. Generic, untested (but pretty) templates, oblivious to best practices run about $20.

    All claims and no proof clearly puts this smack in the middle of the struggling 95%.
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    • Profile picture of the author Peter Soos
      John Thank you for the input. I'm working on re-vamping those elements...they make sense and sometimes a person is to close to the forest to see the trees.
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      • Profile picture of the author Peter Soos

        "Better to subtly work the the failure aspect into the main body of your copy and immediately qualify it by pointing out how your program will keep them off the failure track. Good Luck! "

        I agree...Thanks for the suggestion.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I stopped at the headline. It's true that there is a very high failure rate among people trying to market products and services online but I sure wouldn't lead with that. Seeing that stat just might be the deciding factor in someone simply abandoning the whole IM thing all together.

    Better to subtly work the the failure aspect into the main body of your copy and immediately qualify it by pointing out how your program will keep them off the failure track. Good Luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    OK, heres some specifics:

    your headline: "Finally... The Easiest That Way You Can Kick Start Your Own Web Building Empire!" (Grammar mistake - can you find it?) -its a weak cliche headline anyway.

    Header is red and black (bad choice for this or almost site actually) Graphic 'Key" looks old fashioned as well.

    You use the expression, "level the playing field" TWICE - in the prehead and the subhead.
    What is it's meaning here anyway?

    Your main copy opens with a bunch of questions, all of which can be answered with a 'no'. (not good)

    Where are your credentials? ...Who are you?...where's the testimonials?... wheres the sample sites?

    I had to scroll all the way down to the Red Product box picture to even understand what you are selling!.... There is no logical flow at all to the sales page. could almost start the letter with where it says "Exactly what are you going to get?" as everything before that is just confusing and I'm afraid, boring.

    Just a graphic note: I would have the guarantee higher up on the page - its almost hidden where it is now.

    I'd advise you to get some help with sale letter STRUCTURE and creating a sales funnel on the page. ....if you're serious about getting sales, you have much work to do.
    Good Luck,
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    • Profile picture of the author Peter Soos
      Bruce...Thanks for the specific advice...I'm going thru it and see what I can incorporate that fits...thanks again,
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    It just doesn't jive. The header, the product that you're selling, the whole thing does not work together.

    When I see the header I feel like I'm going to get some REAL information here (BTW I love the domain name). But then I scroll down and I see some cheesy graphics that remind me of a 70's love song and it just doesn't add up.

    You need to work harder to tie it all together with the way it is now it just isn't going to work for you the way you want it to.
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    • Profile picture of the author Peter Soos
      Thank you for the input.
      Everyone here has been great. I may just take the whole thing and revamp using the elements I received that were specific enough to act upon. Structure seems to be the main issue (working on social proof) and the graphics are getting hammered pretty good too. Thanks again,
      Peter Soos
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