Please Review Copy For New Clickbank Product

15 years ago

Very nice job. I think I'd make the background in the testimonial boxes boxes white for better contrast. IMO, that would really set the page off nicely.

Thanks

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Sleaklight

15 years ago

It looks pretty good. I have a website with 19,700+ members in the theme park niche. With the theme park going season is right around the corner, you are launching this at the perfect time. I am going to send everyone a private message about this new product. Hopefully we can get some sales rolling

Thanks,
Oscar

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1 reply

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scottysbody

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Sleaklight

It looks pretty good. I have a website with 19,700+ members in the theme park niche. With the theme park going season is right around the corner, you are launching this at the perfect time. I am going to send everyone a private message about this new product. Hopefully we can get some sales rolling

Thanks,
Oscar

Oscar, I can't reply to your PM as my post count is too low. Can you PM me your email address and I'll get back to you ASAP.

Thanks,

Scotty

Thanks

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Sleaklight

15 years ago

I read the copy again, the only thing that gives me an itch is this line:
"Their vacation cost $5,893.70 while mine had only cost $1,831.30"
It has me thinking, how does she know(you) know the exact figure the othe rfamily spent? Did the other lady tell you the exact amounts of what she spent and you wrote it all down and summed it up or what?
See what I mean? I think it would sound more convincing if you wrote it like this:
"Their vacation costed them almost $5,900 while mine only costed $1,831.30"

This is just my opinion as a consumer who goes to various theme parks throughout the year and Googles around for deals.

Thanks
1 reply

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TimSchaefer

15 years ago

Originally Posted by Sleaklight

I read the copy again, the only thing that gives me an itch is this line:
"Their vacation cost $5,893.70 while mine had only cost $1,831.30"
It has me thinking, how does she know(you) know the exact figure the othe rfamily spent? Did the other lady tell you the exact amounts of what she spent and you wrote it all down and summed it up or what?
See what I mean? I think it would sound more convincing if you wrote it like this:
"Their vacation costed them almost $5,900 while mine only costed $1,831.30"

I agree. People get hung up on being specific in their copy (because it's one of those copywriting "tricks"), but this is an instance where you don't want to be.

Now if the other lady whipped out her receipts and showed the tally right there in the park, then that's different (and something you'd want to say in the story).

I really liked the "Don't Be The Family That Spends $4000 More Than The Person Standing Next to You!" subhead.

You can take this further by continuing the story: How she didn't want to say how much she had paid because she didn't want to hurt any feelings... that she was almost embarrassed to say anything. And how she wondered how many other families walking around had paid thousands more than she did because they didn't do the research.

But backing up a few lines, I wanted to touch on this:

Don't Think You Can Take An Amazing Disney Vacation At a 70% Discount Saving Thousands of Dollars?! Consider this...

This isn't Spanish. The sole question mark is waaayy at the end. And since it's not a typical start to a question (who, why, etc.), you risk the reader kicking it off as a statement, not a question. So once they get to the "?!" they're off balance.

This is made worse by the "don't" statement that precedes it: "You don't have to exclude any of the amazing aspects of what comes with this type of vacation." (Which, by the way, is pretty vague and awkward.)

Come to think of it, this section jumps from "I scoured the internet" to "I was watching my kids at Disney" in a flash.

You left 'em hanging. Move them through. You touch on the time and work she put in near the end while explaining the product and making the offer... but you still should make the initial mention of it at this point so your story flows better.

Thanks

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Tim Schaefer - Direct Response Copywriter

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Adaptive

15 years ago

Hi Scotty.

That's a clever and fun domain name, and a clearly valuable offer to a well defined market.

Nice header. I wonder if Disney lawyers will ask you to change it.

The formatting is perfect, as are the testimonials. I like the big checkbox icon.

"But I Found The Secrets" - capitalization at this point is distracting.

"I was watching my kids fly around"... is this what Lori was daydreaming at 3:27 am, or how her dream turned out in real life? Confusing.

"Houstan, Texas" is a typo (or a sunburn?)

By halfway down, and maybe again at the bottom, should be a picture of Lori with her kids at the Magic Kingdom, and a couple more sentences about how she felt about finding all the discount secrets to fulfill her kids' dreams.

"Most popular guide" according to what index? This P.S. wording might not really help.

So there are a few minor changes... Other than that it looks great.

I think the big open question is not the product or pitch, but the competition about Disney guides.

Regards,
Allen

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Keeslover

15 years ago

I love the guarantee you offer - that HAS to draw attention.

Melody

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Steven Fullman

15 years ago

Lovely design.

Strong offer.

Good social proof.

Like it

Steve

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Not promoting right now

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regan

15 years ago

Hi there,

Looks good to me, I was kinda looking for similar design for my future project.

thanks mate! you gave me more ideas!!

cheers!

Thanks

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Sleaklight

15 years ago

pm sent with e-mail included

Thanks

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scottysbody

15 years ago

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the awesome suggestions. I appreciate you all taking the time to look at my copy. I have already begun to implement some changes.

Does anyone have anything to say about the headlines?

Thanks,

Scotty

Thanks

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Bruce NewMedia

15 years ago

I think you did a pretty good job actually....

One thing I'd do is re-order the testimonials and put the strongest ones first.

I'd want to see the 'money-saved amounts' leading off the testimonials as mini-headlines within the testimonial boxes.

You might even try to get more testimonials with SPECIFIC AMOUNTS or % saved.
_____
Bruce

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undergroundguru

15 years ago

Very nice! I actually think you've got everything down packed.. the complete minisite "formula".. from the testimonials to the guarantee. Good Job! I wouldn't change a thing.

Thanks
1 reply

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tmursch 15 years ago

Best sales page I've seen this week. Nice work!
- Thanks
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