What do you think about my sales page...

You talk about "sloppy copy" and yet you write this - Christ almighty I wish these people who call themselves "copywriters" would just _ _ _ _ _ (fill in the missing blanks)

That's one of the worst headlines I've ever seen. File it under "How to insult your reader from the off".

"Ignorantly" - way to go Mister "Five Star Copywriter". Go back to copy school and stop pretending that you're a copywriter.

One brutal critique coming up and deservedly so. Why?

Because it's guys like you who post up this crap who are bringing the whole copywriting business into disrepute.

Do you want my honest opinion on this? Seriously? Well, I guess you did ask so here goes...

It is absolutely mind bogglingly so, the biggest pile of crap I've ever seen posted on this forum ever. Period.

You're not a copywriter so stop pretending to be one. You're simply deceiving yourself and deceiving other people here.

So I'm going to put it to you... you tell me first why a self proclaimed '5 star copywriter' telling the world he's capable of writing 'exquisite copy' is asking for a critique right here on this forum?

I'm truly fascinated and I'm looking forward very much indeed to your reply. It should be rather entertaining to put it mildly.

Your sales copy is the biggest pile of poo I've seen here in several years.

Not to put too fine a point on it...

Your pre-header is crap.

Your headline is crap.

Your deck is crap.

Your storyline is crap and totally unbelievable.

Your positioning is crap.

Your understanding and use of the English language is crap.

Many sentences don't make any sense.

Coming back to your storyline, it's a complete and utter contradiction in terms.

I mean seriously, let's just whack the whole lot up here as a perfect example how not to write sales copy...

*****

Note: this is an offer for those internet marketers looking for good copy writers - $137 for 2000 words for a copy that really converts!
==============================================

Would you IGNORANTLY sit on the OPERATING table to get BRAIN SURGERY from a NURSE?

Hell NO you wouldn't, in fact, no one would! So why let a shitty article writer posing as a copy writer mess you up by giving you a shoddy sales page?

Now I know your sales page, a.k.a your 'MONEY PAGE' needs a makeover - am and here to help but before you engage me, here's a little amazing success story...

Hi Warriors!

My name is Patrick and here's a little success story on how I spent about 10 hours and completely transformed the life of a stressed out British mother of two...am not kidding, read on...

Meet Nicola. She's 38 and works as an Internet Marketing trainer and coach. She's based in Liverpool, UK. She's among the best in the trade in her city, and her name is sort of a big deal.
The design of her website is GREAT, actually exquisite. She gets good traffic on her site too; you would say she gets a few hundred unique visitors per day!

Now so far everything seems perfect for her... BUT IS IT?

BUT Nicola is FRUSTRATED. Even disappointed. She hates her website because it's not getting her enough business. Unfortunately she even doesn't know why. She guesses it has something to do with her sales page. So she shops around for a copy writer and was referred to me by a friend - she immediately engages me to look out on her website and diagnose what's astray...

One look at it and I almost threw up in my mouth - I can could hardly tell what the page was selling. I had to immediately put her on Skype voice chat and make her explain.
Now wait a minute! She has 14 article-long testimonials on her sales page - that's a little too many! She also had really poorly edited HTML designs with pictures places randomly.

An hour onto the chat and we had a deal; I'd use my expertise to boost the conversions on her sales page - I'd simply bring her more business!

THE RESULTS

After giving her a fresh sales page, with completely new graphics and a new look, she was able to boost her conversions from a mere two sales per day on her $1 dollar trial offer to about 10. She currently makes at least 20 sales on her $197 product per week!




Nicola later explained to me that she had gotten her former SLOPPY copy written by a writer she hired for a few dollars from FIVERR.


Allow me to elaborate, stop and THINK - Just 'coz a writer can jot shit that gets accepted on Ezine doesn't mean he can write a good sales copy. Passing the Copy scape plagiarism test means NOTHING to your business, buddy!

Now you know I can do it, it's your turn to let me help you.
You have nothing to lose, email and tell me a little more about your product: patswald@gmail.com




You have nothing to lose, email and tell me about your product:

*****


I despair.

This just about says it all...

So why let a shitty article writer posing as a copy writer mess you up by giving you a shoddy sales page?

Precisely. About the best line in your SL for all the wrong reasons.

So, you think you're top notch eh?

For $137?

Yeah right, and I was born friggin' yesterday. What do you think I am, bloody 'stoopid or sommit' sunshine? Has your target market got 'STUPID' written across their foreheads?

Cheap copywriting offers like this are two a penny. Fact is, you wouldn't know how to write a sales letter or recognize a good one IF it poked you straight in the eye.

You come straight out of the school of no idea, not even an inkling of a clue how to write a sales letter, yet...

...you thought to yourself, hell yeah, copywriting is easy, any prat can do this.

I know what I'll do - I'll whack up a WFH thread with my offer and the orders at this price will come streaming in.

Yeah right on boy. Right on.

Stop pretending to be a copywriter. You're not one. Far from it. You're about as useless to the copywriting industry as a bucket load of armpits. This excuse for sales copy is an utter embarrassment to the rest of us who love this business.

Scrap the offer altogether, delete it instantly. There's no hope for you in this industry until such time you actually start to really learn about this business and dedicate your entire life and all your time to it.

Until such time you're simply fooling yourself.


Mark Andrews

P.S.

I think your copy's pretty bad... but at $137, you don't need to be able to write well to get clients.

If you ever want to make real money you're going to have to get a lot better. But the clients you'll attract won't know anything about marketing anyway - Halbert himself could return from the dead to write a letter for them and they wouldn't make money from it.

There's one thing that separates the men from the boys in copywriting, and it's work ethic. The best writers I know spend a ton of time studying controls, talking to each other, keeping their finger on the pulse of industries, etc. I'd say 30 hours of my work week goes to that alone.

You clearly are being lazy about your writing. That's fine for attracting cheapskates, but real mailers who pay real money only do so if you've got your shit together in a big way.

Food for thought.

-Daniel

...yea as Rick said, don't sit on the fence, give a direct answer.


Steve

I see that we are having a serious discussion but I'm just waiting
for the OP to jump out and say, "Got ya!"

Isn't this just a parody post?

-Ray Edwards

Now that would be good!

Here's hoping...

Come on Andrews admit is was you having a laugh.

How I wish these chumps would get this right. Its not "a copy" its "copy". It's not "copy writer" it's "copywriter".


Would you IGNORANTLY sit on the Warrior Forum to get "a copy" from a "Copy Writer"?

I remember being on the receiving end of these brutal critiques. Fun times.

Hopefully, the OP takes it in stride.

"get brain surgery"

That there's priceless!

I hope this school of copypiranha haven't scared him off, 'cause I want more.

Patrick, try changing the headline to "Free Lobotomy with Every Sells Copy" I think that would have your target market drooling on their keyboards even more than usual.

Exquisite!

Take the word "ignorantly" out of your headline and its not too bad.

you know the basic idea for the story is ok.

I would start with a promise - and then go into a third person story.

I think the constant reference to "shit" and "shitty" will put some people off-

break up your paragraphs too - big block text is hard to read.

and remember - good copy writers don't come cheap

no- they cost $137 - think about the irony in that one for a second.

look up "oximoran" in the dictionary

keep the faith and keep going - and as we say here is Ireland

F$$$ the begrudgers...

Umm... this is a disaster. No offense. Its just horrendous.

IT comes off too "slimy" for my tastes & your grammar like everyone said is all over the place.

WTF is a copy?

Spare The Guy Please...I Can Guarantee His Did His 'a' Copywriting in 2-3 Hours or so. And this is his first draft. he didn't even go about re-reading, adding, deleting or editing anything!...! Too lazy to be a copywriter, bad!

BTW, somehow I'm beginning to notice that all copy people have a certain 'hidden' affection for Courier New...Me too, but why is that. I find it really inspiring when I write.
It helps me crank out more and more till I can drain nothing from my gizzards.