Searching someone who wants to take a look at my salespage

by bieke81

Posted: 15 years ago 16 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi everyone,

I've made a salespage for a service I'm offering. I would really like someone to look at my salespage and tell me what they dislike. www.lesliebogaerts.com

Renewed my salespage on the new domain: www.nichebloggingmadeeasy.com

The old salesletter is still online on the old domain so you can compare if you want too.

Leslie

#salespage #searching

AnneE 15 years ago

Hi Leslie...

I LIKE the idea of your service. Even though I have set up a Wordpress blog and even though I have a package that handles a lot of the setup for me. It doesn't do it ALL. What I really want is what I think you are offering... but I had two thoughts...

Many folks that might hire you... don't know what plug-in, themes, etc are.... they want to avoid having to understand that. What I would emphasize more is....

-------------------------------------
Perhaps you have a great idea for a niche blog. But the thought of Wordpress themes, plug-ins and SEO all give you a headache.

You just want to sit down, log in AND WRITE

Well I (meaning you Leslie) can help you!

--------------------------------------

When you explain what they get, you talk in terms of themes and other Wordpress terms. Try using layman's terms... you'll give them a choice of 3 different looks?

The other thought I had is that I know who Amy Bass is and have respect for her, but not everyone has heard of her. Perhaps you want to mention Amy as an example of a 'niche blogging expert'... and tell users: You'll have everything the pro's use.

And then instead of All the plugins Amy recommends and more ... instead talk about the capabilities these plug-ins offer, such as...

you get...
automatic SPAM filtering...
your posts will be optimized for the search engines!

okay I'm just guessing at what a couple of the plugins might do.... to give you the idea.

See you are talking in the terms YOU think.... you need to talk more like the people that want to hire you. But keep going.... I think it's a great idea and might be interested myself.... but first I have to do a better job of maximizing the blog I currently have going.

Take care,
Anne
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- bieke81 15 years ago
  
  Hi Anne,
  
  Thanks for your ideas.
  
  You're right about me assuming everyone knows Amy Bass. That's also because I'm targetting in the first place, people that are a member of the nicheblogger (Amy Bass' site). But I should put it more open so other people get a better idea of what I'm offering. I will rewrite my salespage tomorrow.
  
  Leslie
  
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Adaptive 15 years ago

Hi Leslie,

The opening is extremely specialized and full of jargon and in-terms: niche blogs, Amy Bass, plugin and widget, wp-theme. The domain name is your name, not a benefit to the buyer.

You might be close to a beneficial WSO but the offer is far too narrow for a mass audience.

The letter seems all about you and how you like to do technical work.

I recommend you take a step back. Who is the audience? Men or women? Age range? Profession? Situation in life? Do they know about Amy Bass? Do they know about the specific concepts and terms you use? Are they already enthusiastic about making a niche blog, yet overwhelmed by the technical implementation details?

How do you know this about them?

What is going through their minds? How can you connect with their ongoing mental conversation, and use a copywriting formula such as AIDA to guide them from their existing concerns to your solution as a must-have in their lives?

Sorry, I think you have a LOT of work still to go to have a compelling offer, well presented to a defined audience.

I look forward to seeing your next version or, if you like, some discussion about how to clarify your plans.

Regards,
Allen
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- bieke81 15 years ago
  
  Thank you Allen, for your insights. I'm going to rewrite my salespage tomorrow, with the tips I've been given today.
  
  The domainname will change when I'm ready with the salespage. I have bought my own name as a domainname, but because I have no use for it yet, I'm using it to test new things before I get them on their own site.
  
  It's my first ever written salespage and everything I learn while adapting it to get it how it should be, I can use when I write salespages for other products/services. So please, let your ideas/insights/critiques coming.
  
  Leslie
  
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Bruce NewMedia 15 years ago

OK, Leslie I'd agree with what others have said.

I was a member of Amy's group last year so I'm pretty familiar with it.
One thing I'd do is offer a package deal. instead of just one blog.
At least in Amy's group they're all being taught to but up LOTS of blogs.

So, I'd offer something like 5 BLOGS for $149 (instead of regular $175) or something like that. You could still offer single blog orders, but see if students would go for the bigger order as well.

It just occurs to me you might even ask Amy for an endorsement. :-)

As far outside of her group, you do need to build a better case why folks would want these blogs and the profit potential etc.
_____
Bruce
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Keeslover 15 years ago

Hi Leslie,

You have a great offer. Just a couple of things from a quick look...

In the second paragraph, paint a picture of what the customer gets. Make them "see" their blogs all pretty and shiny and ready to go. It needs to be all about the benefits they get from your offer. You're close with a couple of the sentences--see if you can paint that mental picture.

Below the first "Buy Now" button - see how one header is blue and centered, and the other is black and left justified? Can you make it more consistent?

Again, great offer.

Melody
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Scott Murdaugh 15 years ago

I agree with a lot of what's already been said... Don't assume they know Amy Bass or the technical aspects...

My major concern, when I go to checkout I see a comma in the price... It says $35,00. Is that just me?
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- hamerz 15 years ago
  
  Hello,
  
  From my perspective, this "sales letter" has too many 'I's. "I will this" and "I will that", etc. but that not what the reader cares about. Who cares about widgets or this and that. The mechanics of what you are willing to provide are boring to the reader.
  
  When encouraging people to sparate from their money - you should write it to the WIIFM (What's In It For Me) perspective of the reader.
  
  Write down all the Benefits to the Reader that buying your service will provide and make that the focus of you sales letter.
  
  Back to the mechanics of your service for a quick second - tell then that you are providing a system that makes it easy for them to add in any number of programs to help them be further successful, etc, etc, etc.
  
  Now write the Sales Letter something like this:
  
  Headline (Grab the attention)
  Sub headline (keep the attention and encourage then to keep reading)
  
  Greeting
  
  A compelling story that connects with the reader (keeps them interested b/c they are feeling the same thing) I work to long at my current J.O.B. ....... I'm soooo busy as a house wife taking care of all of miy kids (including my husband)........ I just don't have all the time in the world learn all of the crasy technical things about setting up a blog.........I just want the benefits of an indepentetly hosted blog that is easy and I can quickly start my blogging/money making journey.
  
  Solution to the problem and everything great that the solution offers. Then all of a suddent it dawned on me. Or I did it, learned everything that I need to be realized that ther has to be something better.......I've created a system when I can easily do this......
  
  How can you help?
  
  Beneift
  Beneift
  Beneift
  Beneift
  Beneift
  
  Testimonial - OMG she was sooooo great and now all I do blog, blog, blog and the money just keep pouring into my paypal account. My life is so much better since I met you.
  
  And then there the "wait-there's-more" and "I'm-not-done-yet" until the reader is dying to know the price.
  
  I have a free guide, video, audio, additional plugins, great hosting offer.
  
  Throuh in some more testimonials. Don't have enough? They trade this service to a few people who will be willing to submit a testimonial.
  
  What is everything worth??
  
  You won't be paying XXX or even close.
  
  If you act now before xx number have been sold you get this really great price of xx.
  
  But you have to act now, I can't work forever..............
  
  Then tell them exactly what you want them to do, how to do it, and what to expect from you when they do do it.
  
  Then put this sales letter up and have it reviewed. Test it, Tweak it, Test it, Tweak it until it converts at a consistently profitable pace. Try different headlines, offers, stories. You might even want to tailor this to the traffic of you audience. Something may convert better for stay at home moms that it does for Mid career guys getting laid off and even for 14 year old internet marketers amp'd up on Monster Energy Drink.
  
  Try a Video introduction, read your sales letter into you web cam with some excitement and energy and post it alongside your sales letter. I think that these days I'd rather hear it that read it.
  
  Maybe there's something in the rambling above that you can find helpful.
  
  Good Luck!!!
  
  Thanks
  
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bieke81 15 years ago

Ok everyone, I've been working hard on my salespage. I also bought the domainname I had in mind so I put it directly on that site: Niche Blogging Made Easy

You can still see the old one on the other domain if you want to compare.

Please give me your critiques/advice/insight, as I can only improve my work.

Leslie
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activetrader 15 years ago

You know, your prospects will not understand the technical terms. They want to see visually what you can do for them. I would do something like this: "Here is a sample blog that you will get when you order" and a link to several of your blogs. That's all they need to see is what it will look like what they are paying for. I wouldn't even list the plugins, etc. I would just show them what it looks like life
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bieke81 15 years ago

Hi Activetrader,

I was thinking of adding a couple of links to my blogs, but wasn't sure it would be a good idea as it would lead them of the salespage. But I will get some up there. Thanks for your input.

Leslie
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- tmursch 15 years ago
  
  The second sales page is a great improvement over the first. I can tell you definitely put some time into this.
  
  OK here's some nitpicky feedback:
  
  "Well, I have a solution for you."
  
  howabout
  
  "Well now you can! I have just the solution for you!"
  
  or simply just add an exclamation point to the existing statement
  
  "Well, I have solution for you!"
  
  (If you have any questions about these, you can always contact me
  before you place an order)
  
  howabout something along the lines of
  
  "If you would like to see how any of these plugins can help improve your niche blog, feel free to contact me"
  
  -OR-
  
  "If you would like to see how any of these plugins can help improve your niche blog, click here to see a live demo! (or screenshot, etc.)"
  
  OK I will answer the following from the viewpoint of a potential customer:
  
  "Are You Ready To Finally Work On Your Blogs As You Have Always Wanted?"
  
  What do you mean finally? Are you implying I am too lazy or stupid to get my blog setup? I've been too busy to do this stuff myself.
  
  "Are You Ready To Work On Your Blogs As You Have Always Wanted?"
  
  Yes please! I want you to setup these plugins so I can get down to business with what I want to do!
  
  Thanks
  
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AnneE 15 years ago

Check it out.... you just got a sale!!

Now how can I know that?
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- Ken Strong 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by AnneE
  
  Check it out.... you just got a sale!!
  
  Now how can I know that?
  
  You must be psychic?
  
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bieke81 15 years ago

Hi Anne,

Like Ken said, you must be psychic

Ok, serious now. Normally you should have received a little questionnaire after payment. If not, please let me know so I can send it to you (and I can see what I did wrong that you didn't receive it).

Take care,
Leslie
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wrcato 15 years ago

Howdy biek81,
You know what your sale message lacks... A good story.
tell your prospects your story in a way that they will relate there situation with yours.
It doesn't have to be long just two or three paragraphs. this should eliminate all the I's from the and put all of the eyeballs back on the page.
As you re-write your message use AIDA. Don't know what AIDA is go to my blog I have a new article on this subject. 2Ultra.com Presents: ---> Ad-Copy Secrets Revealed
Hope this helps
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