I turned a $2,000 per week Offline business into an Online business. Is it going to work?

10 years ago

Hi Kathi, i reviewed your sales page ..it looks good at the top of sales page you said Its FRee when i drag down there is price tag..which i feel odd.

one suggestion you can consider ..put one exit popup and collect leads that way your efforts for traffic generation gives you best chance to build list paralley..

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matchoo77

10 years ago

I would say you need to lay out the benefits of what this business opp would allow people to enjoy. It's not hype to talk about financial freedom, paying off debt, going on vacation etc. Those are real things that people want to enjoy as a result of being an entrepreneur. If you fail to mention that your visitors are probably not going to be compelled to look into your offer further/eventually buy it.

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Mark Andrews

Banned 10 years ago

No time for a full detailed critique right now since I'm bang in the middle of writing a piece of sales copy for a Brazilian TV celebrity.

Just popping in here for a quick 5 minute breather.

Re: The most important part of your ad...

...the main headline. It's very confusing.

The complete main headline...

"You can make £200 cash or cheque in a day using this concept without a website and zero investment."

Only mornings occupied.

It is free for you to use - Anyone can do it, anywhere in the world.

Way too confusing. You're trying to say too much here. No need for any mention of 'cheque in a day'. Get rid of it.

'Only mornings occupied'. No need for it. Get rid of it.

Last line is not your biggest benefit.

This is not in it's current form an ad for your ad. It's not enticing. It's not conjuring up any excitement in my mind. It doesn't inspire within me any need to keep reading below the main headline.

Your main headline needs to state very strongly your single BIGGEST benefit.

Stir up just one emotion in your target audience mind to create curiosity, to build up a strong desire to want to carry on reading the rest of what's down below...

In short, the main headline sucks and not how you want to suck either. I mean, it really sucks. Big time. (In other words, it's crap).

Get rid of it and replace it with something much stronger. Something which ignites in my mind, within your target market mind, to go...

"Whoahhh! What the hell is this?! This sounds bloody interesting! By gum, I must keep reading down below to find out below what this is all about."

Your main headlines needs to create a desire in the mind of your readers, your target market, to get them to read the first sentence. And hence nudge them...

...over the lip down the slippery slide, the greased sales chute... down in to your deck and the rest of the sales copy below.

All I've got time for for now.

Sorry.

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

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kornelkathi

10 years ago

Thanks to all of you, I have revised the page per your suggestions. would you mind having another look and comment if there is anything else that would need fixing. Disadvantages of Social Media - Free business opportunity cheers,
kornel

Thanks

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Steve The Copywriter

10 years ago

Hi kornelkathi,

The headline and subheads aren't good - they're all over the place - they must be concise. And easy to read.

Also how can a prospect do this in their summer holidays when the schools are on holiday?

Your "prospects" are almost certainly not experienced in giving "presentations."

Research shows the majority of people would rather die than stand up and make a speech.

So, an essential back up product or bonus would be "How to give brilliant, fascinating and informative presentations easily and confidently"

Hope this helps,

Steve

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kornelkathi 10 years ago

Thanks Steve, revised it per your suggestion too! Great help.
- Thanks
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Mark Andrews

Banned 10 years ago

"Are these social media dangers
potentially harming your child?"

Amazing Business Opportunity
Suitable for All Parents

Could this be the answer you're looking for
to help protect children from online bullies and...

...also to help yourself earn
a considerable amount of money
each and every week long term?

Keep on reading to find out more...

...full details are down below...

(Deck / introduction here)

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

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kornelkathi

10 years ago

that's brilliant man, i had no idea what difference proper copywriting can make! Revised it now.

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1 reply

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ewenmack

10 years ago

Cyber Bullying: Join The Crusade Against It And Be Paid

Best,
Ewen

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1 reply

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Mark Andrews

Banned 10 years ago

Curiosity, protection, and greed combined with a promise of long term financial security when packaged together Kornel - has fantastic motivational pulling power.

Of course you're more than welcome to use this - my pleasure!

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

Thanks
1 reply

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dexlink

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

Curiosity, protection, and greed combined with a promise of long term financial security when packaged together Kornel - has fantastic motivational pulling power.

Of course you're more than welcome to use this - my pleasure!

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

I'm following your posts for couple of times... It's useful for me... Thanks.

Thanks

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kornelkathi

10 years ago

Thanks Ewen, I revised again. I wonder if it is not too much negative at the top now

Thanks
2 replies

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ewenmack 10 years ago

Originally Posted by kornelkathi

Thanks Ewen, I revised again. I wonder if it is not too much negative at the top now

Yes you would be right.

My headline only had one emotionally charged negative word.

Just using the same term used in the news media to first of all grab attention.

Then to attract those who have strong feelings towards it.

Following up with a way to combat it and get paid.

Those are your prime prospects who are most
likely will be moved
to come on aboard.

They are already motivated.

Your message should always be to those already motivated to take action.

Being paid is just a bonus to them.

Knowing your prime prospect gets you to understand and connect with them.

Best,
Ewen
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- 1 reply
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- kornelkathi 10 years ago
  
  got it thank you
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Mark Andrews Banned 10 years ago
  
  Keep on reading to find out more...
  
  ...full details are down below...
  
  Don't centre this ^ Kornel.
  
  Keep it (both lines) to the left hand side.
  
  Normal text size. (12)
  
  To make it easier, just copy and paste the above to the left hand side. I'll look at the rest tomorrow and advise you then.
  
  Smoking hot,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  JakeDaly 10 years ago
  
  Mr. Andrews gave you a damn good headline.. I suggest you use it verbatim.
  
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Mark Andrews Banned 10 years ago

Too much again at the top Kornel, it needs slimming down drastically.

Adding all these changes too quickly listening to everyone at once will just confuse things.

Not that I'm saying don't listen to Ewen, far from it, he's definitely worth listening to and knows his stuff.

Just stick with what I suggested above for now though - it's all you need at the top of the page.

Allow me to quickly explain...

Your main headline needs to capture attention. The main headline needs to contain your one single biggest benefit. It's purpose is only to nudge the reader down to the next line of your sales copy. It should state your biggest benefit then tip the reader over the lip of your sales funnel.

The first line needs to be kept very short.

6-8 words I recommend. No need to explain everything in the first paragraph otherwise you'll just confuse the reader.

Keep it SIMPLE!

The purpose of the 1st sentence is purely to get the reader to read the 2nd sentence down. Remember every word, every sentence, every paragraph you write has one purpose only...

...to get the reader sliding down your sales page, the words used ticking their boxes shifting their consciousness away from frustration and pain (their problem) to emotional pleasure at finding your ideal solution.

At the bottom of the sales page is your direct call to action - the buy-it-now button.

Place too much at the top of the page and you'll just confuse your website visitors. You don't need half a dozen large headlines and sub-headlines. What I provided you with above should do exactly what you want the reader to do.

Just whack that at the top of the page getting rid of everything else and then start writing out your introduction - what we call the deck.

This is where you warm up your prospects. I would typically ask 5 questions here to which the reader can only respond Yes! to. (Getting them in a 'yes' frame of mind from the start is important as any salesman will tell you).

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews
- Thanks
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max5ty

10 years ago

Originally Posted by kornelkathi

Hi,

I wonder if you would have a look at my sales page, where I transformed my Friend's offline business -> he makes EUR 2,000 per week with this and I make almost that but I live in a small place in the UK and don't want to travel too much, hence the idea of turning it into an online business.

I am about to advertise it and wanted to get an opinion and possibly advice on how to make this sales page potentially better.

Disadvantages of Social Media - Free business opportunity

Many thanks for any input you can give me.
With kind regards,
kornel

Congratulations on your success!

Couple of thoughts in my opinion...

1. You're headline is not good. You have too many multi syllable words that make the reader pause too long. I thought the one ewenmack offered was more on target.

2. Don't ask a customer if it's the opportunity they're looking for...tell them IT IS!

3. Too many headlines and sub-headlines at the top. Get to the point...we're too busy and too burnt out on bs sites to have a need to be dragged along.

4. I usually judge copy by whether or not it grabs my attention and keeps me reading. I thought your story wasn't bold enough to hold my interest. Take me to the edge...yours was too slow and watered down.

5. Finally...you'll never have a real successful site unless you have an image right off to get my interest. A good graphic artist will do wonders to help you. A site dealing with the type of material you have would probably work better with a full image background as the top part of the page. Family...kids...etc.

Your site just looks too bland and boring in my opinion.

You've got a good product...you just need a few changes.

Wishing you success.

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kornelkathi

10 years ago

Thanks, max5ty to you too! Have a look at the header image now Disadvantages of Social Media - Free business opportunity

Thanks

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markpocock

10 years ago

There's a disconnect between the headline and the sub headline.

First you're telling me about dangers. Then you're saying there's a
biz op.

Then you're going into cyber bullying.

Could this be the answer you're looking for
to help protect children from online bullies and...

So your head and sub head don't make sense.

Ask yourself this; If you had God like powers
what's the one thing you'd grant your reader?

Then write it as a headline. And re-post it here.

warmly

Mark

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

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kornelkathi 10 years ago

In the graphics header:

Headline1:
You can make $2,000 per week by presenting The Dangers of Social Media in schools nearby you

Subheadline:
Full details are down below...
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- kornelkathi 10 years ago
  
  with the new image in the header: Disadvantages of Social Media - Free business opportunity
  
  Thanks guys this landing page is pretty brilliant now
  
  Thanks
  
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Mark Andrews

Banned 10 years ago

Originally Posted by markpocock

There's a disconnect between the headline and the sub headline.

First you're telling me about dangers. Then you're saying there's a
biz op.

Then you're going into cyber bullying.

Could this be the answer you're looking for
to help protect children from online bullies and...

So your head and sub head don't make sense.

Ask yourself this; If you had God like powers
what's the one thing you'd grant your reader?

Then write it as a headline. And re-post it here.

warmly

Mark

My fault. You're right Mark. There is a disconnect there.

Sorry Kornel.

Let me see what else I can come up with for a connecting sub main headline. Something better which resonates more strongly with your target market.

Will touch base later.

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

Thanks
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kornelkathi 10 years ago

Cheers Mark
- Thanks
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Steve The Copywriter

10 years ago

The problem I see is, you're trying to do 2 things at once.

Highlighting the real dangers of social media making it a "get rich quick" business opportunity.

Without meaning to, it reeks a little of "cashing in" on something that is truly awful.

So, rather than trying to promote this as a "make money fast" scheme.

Why not position it as a highly paid professional "Personal Safety Consultancy" role.

You'll attract a far higher caliber of prospects.

Steve

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kornelkathi

10 years ago

Yes, I see what you mean and I agree.
That is actually exactly how I am doing it in my area.

The problem is in the Header I suppose as that reflects the "get rich scheme".

I have now modified it to:

Become a Personal Safety Consultant and make a generous living by presenting The Dangers of Social Media in schools nearby you.

Disadvantages of Social Media - Free business opportunity

Would you agree that that is good?
Thanks again,
kornel

Thanks

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Steve The Copywriter

10 years ago

Make the graphics look professional at the moment the top curved graphic looks like you're trying to sell a "fun" item.

You're not.

This is a serious problem, which you're able to help solve.

So, take it seriously, no more "free opportunity". Or "do a couple of google searches" and create an instant product. Or anything that remotely looks like "hype."

Take out the word "amazing" and remove the "ribbon" type graphics.

Make the product as good as it can possibly be.

With all the support, help and back up.

If you can get a "police chief" to endorse it.

Forget the $19.95 price - it sounds cheap - the last thing on earth you want.

Increase the price knowing you've added much greater value.

Maybe "qualify" the potential purchasers with a list of criteria they must have.

I know it's not intentional - but don't make any of the piece look or sound gimmicky.

Steve

Thanks
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kornelkathi 10 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

Make the graphics look professional at the moment the top curved graphic looks like you're trying to sell a "fun" item.

Steve

Well pointed out, fixing it now
- Thanks
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kornelkathi

10 years ago

Hi Steve,

We are actually in the process of preparing an interactive film for schools on the subject with lots of interactive features and support info for the parents too as they will have access to it also through the schools. (first in the UK only as we are a 2 man band with limited resources)

This current sales page is to get the word out and get as many people to sign up for it hence the low price as an incentive to raise interest amongst online people who are close to the issue and also get paid for the service.

thank you for your input it is much appreciated and the fact that you support this matter. The idea of screening people is good too.
Kornel

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masterpaintingnow

10 years ago

I'm not sure if fear is the way to go, or at least to express it as a negative. What if you said the same thing in a positive way?

Protect Your Children From Social Media that Can Harm Them.

Or something like that.

best thing to do is split test. See if a negative or positive gets more conversions.

The next part that asks a long question might be stronger if you get less passive about it. What if you just flat out tell them?

This is the answer you've been looking for to protect your children ...

It required no upfront investment just a few Google searches

Nothing wrong with using fragments, but when the should be two seperate sentences, seperate them.

It required no upfront investment. Just a few Google searches.

This is basically an income stream which I can put into action anytime I need quick cash or I can even outsource the whole lot given I find the right person to do it instead of me.

This might work better with "you" instead of "I." Also I would use a comma where they should be.

This is an income stream which you can put into action anytime you need quick cash, or you can even outsource the whole lot, given you find the right person to do it.

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I turned a $2,000 per week Offline business into an Online business. Is it going to work?

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