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Please critique my direct mail sales letter

by aaallday2010
8 replies
I am sending this letter to about 50 chiropractors to start off with.

It will be customized for each doctor.

It will also be accompanied with a screen shot of their website with certain problem areas circled in red marker.

I was hoping someone here good give it a quick read and rell me what your initial feelings are.

Also, what are your thoughts on my use of bold text, or should I tone it down a bit?

Thanks.

BTW, everyone who receives this letter has a REALLY UGLY website and gets lots of traffic.

I made up the names.

_____________________________________________


Dear Dr. Michael Hill,

Are you aware that last month you missed out on 9 new patients?

These 9 people visited your website, but were turned off due to a crucial mistake on your homepage that you (and your staff) seemed to have overlooked.

This one mistake you are making is forcing potential patients to leave almost immediately upon arriving - costing you thousands of dollars in lost revenue each month.

I'm writing you this letter so you can correct this mistake and convert more of your visitors into long-term patients.

My name is Justin Green, with Four Star Media. I'm a conversion rate optimization specialist working primarily with doctors and health care professionals.

I take dull, underperforming doctor websites and transform them into high converting lead and patient generating machines.

I'm currently working with another chiropractor in an adjacent city to yours, and happened to stumble onto your website at www.chiropracticname.com.

I've just personally examined your website and have found a few crucial areas of concern that I know for a fact are preventing potential patients from picking up the phone and calling your office.

However, there's one in particular that's costing you the most damage.

If you agree with me that your website is not living up to its full potential Dr. Hill and are unhappy with its overall performance thus far -- I know why and I can help.

I want to set up a convenient time for both of us to have a quick strategy session about this issue on your website and how we can fix it to increase your conversion rate by 57%* or more.

It's a free 30 minute phone consultation and there's absolutely no obligation to buy anything - ever! Just take the advice and change recommendations I give you, apply them to your website, and begin to experience an increase in phone calls to your office almost immediately.

In return, my company would appreciate a good review if you are happy with the results these changes bring to your practice. If you want to take it to the next level, we can talk then.

With a few adjustments and tweaks, most (if not all) my clients experience huge gains virtually overnight.

I can do the same for you, so call me today at 555-123-1473 before 6PM to set up our friendly one-on-one phone session for some time early next week.

Thanks for your time Dr. Hill, and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

All the best,


Justin Green
Four Star Media
Senior Optimization Consultant/ Project Manager
jusin@fourstarmedia.com
555-123-1473


P.S. - How do I know you lost 9 patients? I'll reveal how I came up with this number during our phone call.

P.P.S. - If you prefer, you can go to our website at www.fourstarmedia.com, click on the "consultation" link at the bottom of the page to lock in your free consultation today.

P.P.S - Please understand this offer will only be available for a few short days as my time is extremely limited due to a new project coming up in a couple of weeks. If you don 't want to lose another 9 patients next month, give me a call today.
#critique #direct #letter #mail #sales
  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    Justin,

    When you print these, make sure the paper is earth friendly...

    ... because your babies are going straight into the trash can.

    Sorry man.

    I have a couple of DCs that are clients, and wanna know something important?

    They get this pitch every damn day.

    What is special about your service?
    What credibility do you have?
    What proof do you have?

    You've really got to nail this down.

    Plus, you've got to be bold. Asking for 30 mintues is an opportuntiy cost of 2-3 patients to them. As in $75-$500 depending on their hourly rate.

    Lastly, if you are going to do a DM campaign, make sure it there is follow-up.

    Good luck.
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    The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Here's something to test your guts and eliminate any perceived risk
      of the chiro's wasting their time talking to you...

      Have a $50 penalty if you can't show them 3 ways to either increase leads, patients...
      or reduce costs.

      Now suddenly you are put in the same spot as your prospect,
      fear of loss.

      But you shouldn't fear it if you have the goods.

      Remember, business is about the transfer of something more valuable than their money.

      Most will chicken out.

      I didn't when I offered $1,000 as a penalty.

      Now you take your business helluva lot more seriously.

      Thing is, your competition don't have the guts to do it.

      Have you?

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author aaallday2010
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Here's something to test your guts and eliminate any perceived risk
        of the chiro's wasting their time talking to you...

        Have a $50 penalty if you can't show them 3 ways to either increase leads, patients...
        or reduce costs.

        Now suddenly you are put in the same spot as your prospect,
        fear of loss.

        But you shouldn't fear it if you have the goods.

        Remember, business is about the transfer of something more valuable than their money.

        Most will chicken out.

        I didn't when I offered $1,000 as a penalty.

        Now you take your business helluva lot more seriously.

        Thing is, your competition don't have the guts to do it.

        Have you?

        Best,
        Ewen
        Now that's a great idea. I could probably insert one of those fake $50 bills too.

        Hmmm, now this has got me thinking.

        Thanks Ewen.
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    • Profile picture of the author aaallday2010
      Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

      Justin,

      When you print these, make sure the paper is earth friendly...

      ... because your babies are going straight into the trash can.
      LOL... that's hilarious!!

      Actually, you're probably right.

      The thing is, they're all getting decent traffic but their websites are horrendous and I know they cant be getting too many patients from it.

      I really gotta find a creative way of getting them to think something is scaring away potential patients, without coming out and saying that their website is ugly.

      Thanks for the critique (and laugh) though.
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    To be fair your letter has got a reasonable "structure" - it's the wording that let's it down. It doesn't flow well.

    The benefits are getting lost in the formality of your writing.

    There's not enough buzz and excitement. Brim a bit more with professional (but not over the top) enthusiasm.

    "I want to set up a convenient time for both of us" could read "Lets set up an appointment"

    Sprinkle more power verbs in the copy.

    Do what copyassassin and Ewen suggested.

    And be specific in everything you say. Nothing vague always be precise.

    It looks like you'll be offering some initial free advice - really emphasise this.

    Then you talk about "the next level."

    What is the next level? What will it do?

    What are the benefits?

    You could give an intriguing taster - this time you don't have to be precise - don't give the game away.

    Just suggest you know - all the "missing" pieces of the jigsaw and when it's perfectly completed it will skyrocket the practise to even higher incredible success.

    But you can still reassure them - they don't have to spend any money. Suggest they may be delighted just with the extra revenues that the free tweaks produced.

    (of course once these have been done - and they see the increased results - you should be the "go to" person and they'll be very keen for even more improvements and revenues)

    It would be good to have a few testimonials.

    And the one thing people want is a real guarantee.

    I know it's difficult with SEO but you sort of suggested it by saying - "increase your conversion rate by 57%* or more."

    The * was I guess a "get out" clause which I didn't see explained.

    Your prospects will pick up on this.

    So, if you can, make an excellent "no excuses" guarantee.

    Make all the vital changes and you should see a high volume of enquiries and a boatload of future revenues and profits.


    Steve
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    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Sometimes it takes more than a good sales letter to
    do the trick and here is one example. I don't think
    your letter is bad--it should get you results in a
    "normal" sales situation but as copyassassin
    pointed out, DC's are already bombarded with
    this angle and so you have to strive to be
    DIFFERENT.

    As a subscriber to Dan Kennedy's newsletter for many
    years he gave many examples of successful promotions
    to DCs. It might be best for you to get your hands
    on these and use as a model.

    When a market is saturated with a common message
    'numbness' soon sets in and it takes an explosion to
    get anyone's attention after that. This is the reason
    why bold claims do not work in some markets anymore.

    So you really need to be more than a copywriter to
    get your message through. You have to do some
    research to see what messages went ahead of yours.
    Because a cutting message may get dull over time.

    Best of luck with your project.

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
    I think its pretty decent. It starts off strong, but it starts to fall out and lose steam. There is a bunch of stuff you can nitpick. For example I wouldn't use the word "conversion". I also would change this: "conversion rate optimization specialist". What the hell is that? Remember, these guys are Doctors, not marketers. You need to ditch the lingo and make it simple.

    But like everyone else here is saying you need to stand out. Maybe you could do something like this...

    Create the redesign for the site, but cut out half of the page. In the empty space write something like "If you like what you see, call me right now and I'll show you the rest". Print it out and include it in each letter you send out. It's a little more work, but anything you can do to stand out from everyone else is a huge plus.
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    • Profile picture of the author Saluki Guy
      I market to Orthopedic Drs. all day long. One thing I have found to work is to approach them as they would approach a patient.

      Explain why they must approach their "sick website" like they treat a patient....
      1.) Examining them, 2.) making a diagnosis and then 3.) creating a treatment plan.

      For example: Chiros perform adjustments on spines. On small adjustment can work wonders and get an ailing person active again. A regular course of treatment can keep a patient good as new over their lifetime.

      Similarly, one small adjustment to a website can produce a flood of new patients. Regular attention can keep their business humming over their lifetime and provide a hedge against recessions, competition, etc...

      See what I mean?

      Drill deep and get really creative with this angle. You could call yourself the "Website Doctor" or something. Inject some personality into it. Don't be boring!
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      There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted — all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures. - Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
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