Help me with a Headline

by cbx
29 replies
Hi all,

I just need a little guidance with my headline for my squeeze page (and consequently my e-cover to my free report).

The report a compilation of 6 of my articles on fitness and exercise mindset and the headline I'm using at the moment...

"6 Powerful Ways to Access Unshakable Motivation to Help You Achieve Your Weight Loss and Fitness Goals."

Any advice on what would convert the best would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Clinton
#headline #squeeze page copywriting
  • Profile picture of the author DavidG
    I think you should consider what kind of traffic you're getting.

    So if it's people that don't realize that motivation is their downfall then you should have something that's something like...

    "Why MOTIVATION is the silent killer for weight loss"...

    If you have traffic that UNDERSTANDS this problem, then your headline fits.

    But even then, I'd suggest you get the best out of your 6 ways. The one method that can provide instant results and make that the headline. Something like...

    "The chosen MOTIVATION METHOD that jenny craig uses!"

    Also... find something unique in all your methods. Something newsy. So when your presenting them, you'll grab them by the eyes.

    Hopefully this helps.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      I agree with David in regard to the question where traffic is coming from.

      If it's Adwords Search then you are governed be your keywords.

      As your headlines stand now, they are way too broad for search.

      We need more info to come up with better headlines.

      Best,
      Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author syedqurat
      I am 100% agree with david.

      Originally Posted by DavidG View Post

      I think you should consider what kind of traffic you're getting.

      So if it's people that don't realize that motivation is their downfall then you should have something that's something like...

      "Why MOTIVATION is the silent killer for weight loss"...

      If you have traffic that UNDERSTANDS this problem, then your headline fits.

      But even then, I'd suggest you get the best out of your 6 ways. The one method that can provide instant results and make that the headline. Something like...

      "The chosen MOTIVATION METHOD that jenny craig uses!"

      Also... find something unique in all your methods. Something newsy. So when your presenting them, you'll grab them by the eyes.

      Hopefully this helps.
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  • "6 Powerhouse Ways to Focus Unshakable Motivation To Achieve Your Weight Loss and Fitness Goals."

    (I agree with David and Ewen about more info...but I also just thought I'd play with the line a little...)
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Thanks guys for the input.

    I get where your coming from David. However, I though that those landing on my squeeze page would typically be those searching for motivation rather than those just looking for a program.

    How does this sound;
    "6 phenomenal tips to inspire you to achieving your weight loss or fitness goals. "

    I guess I could substitute inspire with motivate or drive.

    Also, should I stick with ways or is tips better?

    Would that end part work better with "ideal body" or "dream body" or should hold on to that "weight loss" keyword.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by cbx View Post

      I though that those landing on my squeeze page would typically be those searching for motivation rather than those just looking for a program.
      You've still got the cart in front of your horse.

      You have to find a group of people who are most likely to buy first.

      Those people determine what headline you'll use to attract them.

      If you were to use Google search or PPC not knowing this you'll go broke quick.

      Go into Google Keyword Tool and
      find buyer keywords.

      If you can't find buyer keywords then you've just saved your money.

      This video may help you.


      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    What about;

    "-6 powerhouse ways to lose weight, gain fitness and achieve your ideal body. "
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    • Profile picture of the author Tim Bazley
      Can you make the benefits more specific at all? Also can you make the language more visual and 'sex up' the words a bit?

      Something like this...

      "Discover The Six Secrets To Shedding 20 Pounds In 20 Days And Enjoy The Admiring Glances Your New Slim And Fit Body Will Attract"
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  • Profile picture of the author markpocock
    Consider the stages of awareness and sophistication of your market.

    When you do this you'll see what stages your market are at.

    It's no good writing a headline where the reaction is
    "Oh I've heard this before."

    You see, Cbx if you were the first one into this market
    you could just make a claim in your headline. And that
    would be a winner. But you ain't.

    Take a look around and see the headlines other people are making.
    Then phrase your benefit in a way that has never been seen before.

    When you do this your opt ins will soar.

    If you take Tim's headline:

    Discover The Six Secrets To Shedding 20 Pounds In 20 Days


    and add a few mechanisms. eg "Works by increasing a fat burning amino acid. Proven in Harvard studies.

    You see, I suspect your market is at a stage 4 sophistication. Your market has heard every promise under the sun. So when your market is at this level you don't keep enhancing your claim. You add mechanisms to increase believability.

    Got it? --

    warmly

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Thanks Tim, thanks Mark. You've given me something to think about.

    I have another one.

    "strategies to help you shed weight, gain strength and achieve optimal fitness. "

    How does that sound? Am I getting closer?
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  • Profile picture of the author markpocock
    cbx - you're being too abstract. There's nothing unique or unusual
    in what you're saying.
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    And have the secrets A-List Copywriters - David Garfinkel & Parris Lampropoulos
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  • Profile picture of the author The Herm
    "Discover the 6 Coveted Secrets to Achieving a Body that Will Put Your Personal Trainer to Shame!"

    ...Now there's a free report I'd like to read
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  • Profile picture of the author markpocock
    Have you cast a wide enough net with the above headline?

    What about the people who do NOT have a personal trainer?
    You just ruled them out.

    Your headline wants to appeal to as many people as possible. -
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    And have the secrets A-List Copywriters - David Garfinkel & Parris Lampropoulos
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Ok. I've been brainstorming some more outrageous ideas.

    So, with the approach of using keyword rich, yet unique and unusual headlines, please tell me if any of these have potential (or any variation);

    -how to look sexy, feel hot and be great
    -6 ways to think yourself into the shape you've always dreamt of
    -think and grow fit
    -how to think your way into the body of a god or goddess that will have members of the opposite sex checking you out
    -6 techniques that will have you achieve the body of a top athlete
    -do you want to know how to exercise like a god?
    -6 ways to get fit and become immortal
    -6 thoughts that are the fountain of youth

    Also, thanks for that video, ewen. It's opened my eyes.

    And Mark, I wasn't the one who suggested the headline about trainers.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Here...let Jay Abraham show you how to come up with ideas for headlines and copy -

    Jay Abraham Copywriting Video: “How To Use Amazon To Write Great Copy”
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Thanks Mark,

    After having gone through the PDF, I've gotten some fresh insight. I thought I'd brainstorm some fresh ideas and get some fresh feedback (that's if you haven't abandoned thread ppl). Here are my ideas, please tell if I'm getting better at this and if there are any of them that would work or would work but needs a slight tweak or alteration.


    -is your mindset keeping you from reaching your health and fitness goals?

    -is not knowing these 6 empowering secrets stopping you from achieving your weight loss and fitness goals?

    -is motivation your biggest challenge in exercise? How to think an feel unstoppable in your quest for fitness.

    -how to overcome all of your fitness or weight loss challenges by thinking in an empowering way.

    -are you struggling to get in your desired shape? Free report that show why and how to achieve your ideal body with these unstoppable mindset principles.

    -why your way of thinking is keeping you fat and unfit.

    -do you wish for the attitude of an athlete? 6 mindsets that will put an end to your fitness and weight loss struggles.

    Thanks,

    Clinton
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  • I would concentrate on the -

    "Is Not Knowing..."

    It creates a touch of curiosity.

    The others are all Ra Ra* headlines which have been done gazillions of times.


    Steve


    P.S. Ra Ra headlines - is my unique word (c) Steve - but I'm happy for anyone else to use it...

    Anyway, they use words like "Mindset", "Attitude",Empowerment", "Unstoppable", Goals" etc.

    If these words were in any way "real" to your audience - they wouldn't need you.

    They HATE these words because your people have never achieved any of those big promises.

    Makes sense because they're still fat and unfit.

    But, tell them "it's not their fault". Because there's secret, hidden and vital information, that they don't know - and if they did - it would automatically produce results. With little or no effort. And it would be such good fun to do.

    This type of headline stands a chance of success because in a perfect world it's what your people want.

    How do you sell to people?

    Give them what they want.
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Thanks Steve.

    So, if I use,
    "Is not knowing these 6 empowering secrets stopping you from achieving your weight loss and fitness goals?"

    Should leave out or substitute the word empowering? Or does it work in this context?
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  • It's a bit of a cough and a spit to read it.

    And it's got a "Ra Ra" words - "empowering" and if that's not bad enough you've used "achieving" and "goals" as well.

    If you dare use the word "mindset" I go barking mad...

    Try again - put yourself in your prospects shoes - and walk a mile.

    You see, you can't walk a mile because your audience never walks that far.

    They wouldn't need you if they did.


    So, do the following -

    Remember you can use a pre - head and subhead as well as the main headline.


    * Your audience doesn't "get" "empowering" - they don't feel or believe they'll ever be empowered

    *They don't "do" "achieve" - because they haven't ever achieved what they want

    *They don't have "goals" - they're overweight and unfit

    So...

    *Being overweight is not their fault - let them off the hook, never blame them for the problem

    *There's stuff they don't know which is causing it

    *They need to know what this stuff is

    *But it's only EVER going to interest them if it's intriguing and fascinating and...

    *It's quick, easy and fun

    *And they'll lose weight and get fit almost "automatically"


    Steve



    P.S. It's best there's an odd number of secrets - 5 or 7 rather than 6 because odd numbers get more readership
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Tell more about how to use pre-heads and sub-heads.

    I currently have a pre-head. It reads,
    "Are your weight loss or fitness goals being held back by your lack of motivation in fitness and exercise?....."

    Which, I guess is similar to the type of headline ideas I'm working with. I also had a sub head but I scrapped it. I felt it took too much space on my squeeze page after the pre-head and main headline.
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  • Profile picture of the author Iskander
    Hey cbx,


    Why the hell am I not thin yet!?! I try and try and try.
    Here is the reason why (and it’s not your fault!)

    You say tomato I say tobata. 4 minutes that can change your life.

    Do you feel jealous when you see thin perfect body walk by? Believe it or not, it’s THAT attitude that’s holding you back.

    chocolatechocolatechocolate!!! If that’s all it takes for you to lose your %$#@,
    then you desperately need to read this book NOW!

    Let’s face it… You’ve exercised, you’ve sweated, you’ve worked your heart out. And you’re still not there yet. Why? Well I’ll tell you…

    Why aerobics without the right attitude is just like jumping up and down for a while! 6 ways to focus your mind like a frickin’ laser and get the body you’ll fall in love with. And that’s just for starters...

    Hope this helps…
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Hey guys, thanks thus far for your patient support. I've been thinking, maybe I've been trying to manipulate my words in past attempts, trying to hype it up.

    So I thought a more genuine and honest approach might be better.

    How about something along the lines of,

    "Free report...the truth about exercise motivation. 6 articles about how to get fit and stay fit...forever. "

    (Ok, the forever part might still be hypey.)

    Tell me what you think, if it has potential or of a variation of this does.

    Much appreciate.

    Thanks,

    Clinton
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  • Hi Clinton,

    The snag is you don't want to hype up a product. But you do need to create an irresistible interest for it - so big numbers of people respond.

    Your new headline is better - but ironically lacks "the get up and take action."

    Why not look at your "product" there should be an intriguing technique - that's quick, easy and enjoyable and gets blazzingly good results.

    Usually this can be adapted into a great headline.


    Steve
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  • CBX -

    "6 Powerful Ways to Access Unshakable Motivation to Help You Achieve Your Weight Loss and Fitness Goals."

    I am, by no means a copywriting expert but I am a potential customer.

    I don't want six ways. I want one way that I can start implementing now and can see results now.

    I want social proof that this will work.

    I want a community behind me so when I forgot what inspired me in the first place, I can get reminded about what I saw when I first read your headline.

    Not sure if this helps but it is completely factual based on a market of 1.
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Ok Steve, you said my last headline is better but lacks the call to act. So what if I just added a sub head as a call to action?

    What would you recommend?

    Something like,
    "Download this free report now and access these highly effective strategies to get in shape and stay in shape. "
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  • Clinton,

    It's still stuck between not being hypey and not being enticingly interesting.

    Try a few power verbs that are "real" to your target audience.

    Your people are overweight and unfit but lack the motivation to do much about it.

    So they're not going to be deliriously thrilled with the word "strategy" and "get in shape and stay in shape"

    It seems to indicate strenuous gruelling exercise.

    Picture your audience - could they be sat on the sofa, watching endless TV, eating slice after slice of pizza washed down with gallons of coke or beer?

    Now, think how on earth are you going to "motivate" them?

    Firstly - Why are they living this way? Is it comfort? Is it laziness? What psychological reasons cause it?

    Then...

    Two emotional triggers that might work are -

    Greed - phrase a headline telling them they can still eat and drink what they like but with a few small changes (that are quick, easy and fun) makes them easily lose weight.

    Fear - what will happen if they don't lose weight? Because of their lifestyle they may well be worried about their health.

    You'll always get good answers when you thoroughly research your audience.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author cbx
    Ok. What if, after "6 articles about how to get fit and stay fit...forever."
    I add in something like,
    "Why it's easier than you think. " or
    "Why motivation is actually effortless. "

    Also, if I substituted the word 'strategies', what would work best?
    -method
    -tips
    -tools
    -tricks
    -approaches
    -principles
    -secrets
    -ways
    -mindsets

    And one last thought, what I said in my call to action,
    "Highly effective and inspiring strategies (or substitute word)"

    If I'm getting closer, please feel free to suggest variations of what I have.
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  • From your list of words -

    "Get Fit And Stay Fit... Forever" - followed by - how and why it's quick, easy and fun.

    (suggestion - it doesn't take any real effort - instead it lets your body adjust naturally and you'll lose weight and get fit "automatically")

    "Why it's easier than you think" - followed with because - and give a result.

    (suggestion - because it only takes 3 mins a day and you'll lose X pounds a week)

    "Why motivation is actually worthless" - followed with a - better way

    (suggestion - who needs "motivation?" when you all you have to do is - easy solution)


    Tips, tools, tricks, secrets are all good words.


    Steve


    P.S. Remember if you make these kind of "promises" your product must deliver on them.
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