Please comment on my practice copy

by asha91
6 replies
Hello Warriors,

I'm trying my hand at copywriting, and I found this exercise on about.com for a made-up product. I created a draft of my sales letter, and I would just like to know if I'm on the right track. Info from the about.com page is as below:

Product:

A monthly delivery service of educational products for parents and young children.
Company Name:

Egghead Entertainment
Tagline:

Where learning meets fun
Target Audience:

Parents of preschoolers.
Ad's Focus:

Egghead Entertainment offers a monthly program, called Egghead Direct, where educator-approved learning tools are sent to the customer's home. Each month, an educational toy, music CD and two learning books are delivered along with an activity guide for parents that shows them how they can use these products to help their children learn. This program has been specifically developed for preschoolers by teachers.
Special Promotions:

By signing up, you'll receive a basket of five educational books delivered with your first order.
Challenge:

Egghead Entertainment is seeing a sales slide because more people are turning to online sites for educational games and learning tools to teach their own children. This substitution learning method doesn't encourage the parent-child interaction that Egghead Entertainment does.
Additional Information:

• Egghead Direct costs $11.95 per month.
• Cancel anytime. There is no contract and the free gift will always be the customer's to keep.

• 9 out of 10 teachers recommend Egghead Entertainment's monthly delivery service.

• The sales letter will be sent to homes of qualified leads of parents with young children. Each lead has purchased products from a national parenting store Egghead Entertainment has a partnering deal with and leads have agreed to receive promotional materials from related companies.

• Egghead Entertainment has provided three testimonials:

"I was struggling to find ways to teach my three year old son at home. Egghead Direct helped me teach him his ABCs, numbers and colors in just a few weeks." - Lisa M.

"My daughter runs to the door when she hears the postman dropping off the Egghead box. We have to stop what we're doing and see what's inside immediately!" -JoAnne L.

"The guides are written so clearly that I know exactly how to get the most out of each month's lessons. The one-on-one time teaching my children can't be beat." -Patrick E.


This information is provided to help you write the advertising material. You can use or not use all of these points at your own discretion.


And what I came up with is attached with this post in a Word file. I know the formatting is not great, but what I wanna know more about is the content, so please give your two cents on it. Thanks!
#comment #copy #practice
  • Profile picture of the author wargamez
    Oh, I don't want to be too critical. Encouragement is so much nicer. Good start!

    I had a quick look. Maybe your subhead is a better headline. It talks to the interest of the parent first.

    The intro doesn't really grab me. This section is crucial. The headline should make you read the subhead, the subhead the first sentence, the first sentence the first paragraph, etc. A nice slippery slide.

    Some things like "When LEARNING meets FUN" could grab attention better. Maybe something simple depending on the interest of the reader that you grabbed with your headline. eg. How you can make learning fun.

    Good luck. My sales copy goes through so many edits before it flows well and I'm happy.
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    • Profile picture of the author asha91
      Originally Posted by Brad Hodge View Post

      that great
      just do little brain storming
      get the main problems of the parents for preschooler
      Mention those into it, mention how you can give solution
      towards those problems and all is what i called " Good "
      to attract the attention of many parents of preschooler

      Best of Luck with this nice start up post
      Originally Posted by wargamez View Post

      Oh, I don't want to be too critical. Encouragement is so much nicer. Good start!

      I had a quick look. Maybe your subhead is a better headline. It talks to the interest of the parent first.

      The intro doesn't really grab me. This section is crucial. The headline should make you read the subhead, the subhead the first sentence, the first sentence the first paragraph, etc. A nice slippery slide.

      Some things like "When LEARNING meets FUN" could grab attention better. Maybe something simple depending on the interest of the reader that you grabbed with your headline. eg. How you can make learning fun.

      Good luck. My sales copy goes through so many edits before it flows well and I'm happy.

      thanks you guys! I really appreciate the input. I'll make the changes and keep your advice in mind for the future
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  • Profile picture of the author Brad Hodge
    that great
    just do little brain storming
    get the main problems of the parents for preschooler
    Mention those into it, mention how you can give solution
    towards those problems and all is what i called " Good "
    to attract the attention of many parents of preschooler

    Best of Luck with this nice start up post
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7269558].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Well, I was the one who encuraged you to post your copy so it's
    only fair if I share with you some suggestions. You can see these
    in the attached PDF.

    Best,

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author asha91
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      Well, I was the one who encuraged you to post your copy so it's
      only fair if I share with you some suggestions. You can see these
      in the attached PDF.

      Best,

      -Ray Edwards
      OMG, thank you so much Ray...This was so so helpful! I'll practice more and remember your advice Thank you again!
      Signature
      Quality Content. Low Prices. Communicative Writer. Click here for more information :)
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  • Profile picture of the author alexseoking
    You're on the right track! The content is brief yet detailed.
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