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11 years ago

My immediate sense is that you need to direct the copy deliberately towards women.

I don't know how much your brand will resonate with men. I don't sense it will much, if at all.

If you did niche yourself to women, I'd put something like a slimmed down female silhouette in the background of your logo.

Your brand has tons of potential.

It has a strong appeal.

Your tagline - not so much.

In your headline/sub-headline, I'd make a stronger play to go after how inept Western Medicine is for helping women "treat" weight imbalances.

In a letter that I made gobs of money with, I said:

"98% of dieters fail!

They regain the weight they lost & statistics show that up to 2/3 of dieters gain more back than when they started..."

Later I said:

"If your doctor gave you a pill for a condition and told you that there was a 98% chance it wouldn't work, would you blame yourself WHEN you didn't see results?

The truth is...

We’re not taught how to listen to our body's natural intuitive signals.

We're not taught what's truly healthy; only what's convenient, profitable and marketable by big corporations.

The diet industry takes in over $40 billion a year.

That should give you a glimpse into just how corrupt the system has become.

And guess what...

YOU are their target demographic!"

I went on to make the case for WHY traditional dieting approaches are made to fail.

If I were in your position - knowing that you're likely looking at the body as a WHOLE, rather than the some of its parts, I'd be much more audacious about your positioning.

I'll let the others give you more specific feedback about your actual copy...

mark

P.S. Sorry you got burned. I'd personally be WAY more blunt about who it is so he/she can't do it to anyone else.

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KingOfContentMarketing

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

We're not taught what's truly healthy; only what's convenient, profitable and marketable by big corporations.

The diet industry takes in over $40 billion a year.

That should give you a glimpse into just how corrupt the system has become.

I read an interview on Reddit with a crew member from the Survivor series. He said most of the "castaways" started looking healthier, with clearer skin, healthier hair and "brighter eyes" about 2 weeks into the show. He said it was long enough for their Western diet to fade in their system.

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Mark Pescetti

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Joe Ditzel

I read an interview on Reddit with a crew member from the Survivor series. He said most of the "castaways" started looking healthier, with clearer skin, healthier hair and "brighter eyes" about 2 weeks into the show. He said it was long enough for their Western diet to fade in their system.

It's absolutely amazing how quickly the body begins to recover when you stop stuffing it with processed foods and drinks.

I recently went on a cleanse and my body looked visibly difference in just a few days.

The circles under my eyes went away.

I had more energy.

I'm able to commit more energy in my workouts.

Now, I'm eating some heavier foods again, but very little.

My point is...

Just by eliminating things like wheat and dairy, which both create bloat in the majority of people's bodies, you can almost immediately begin to see some spectacular results in the way you look and feel.

When you add cleansing supplementation and foods that clear out the liver, intestinal tract, etc., while also inoculating the gut with good bacteria...

...you can start reversing your body's age at quantum speed.

Indeed...

Losing weight is less about dieting... and more about balancing the WHOLE body.

We should all go on Survivor.

Mark

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TheSalesBooster 11 years ago

Your headline and sub-headline is weak and over complicating things.

You said you're trying to target women right? How many women do you know say "strategies"?

That sub-headline is a just a complicated mess of words. Follow the K.I.S.S. rule. Keep it simple stupid.
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- ewenmack 11 years ago
  
  Hi Melanie,
  
  Think of two opposing forces.
  
  One is scepticism,
  the other is belief.
  
  If you realize your visitors have scepticism,
  then you work on countering it with a greater force.
  
  I recommend you do this by having a press release written and sent to media outlets.
  
  There's at least one Warrior on the forum who offers this service.
  
  Once the piece is picked up by the newspapers, tv and radio,
  have their logos placed in 3 columns at the top right of the page.
  and write...
  As Seen On TV
  As Heard On Radio
  As Read In Newspapers
  
  Next I would target what I think would have the most
  emotional attachment your mothers would have.
  
  This could be their oversized "jelly belly".
  
  I know it may seem a bit strong in terms of the description,
  but this just may be the unspoken words used.
  
  Since your video is about a 53 year old mother,
  then I think others can relate to her story.
  
  Digging deeper into her story would reveal the number of diets she had tried and failed...
  they made her hungry and moody which left her even more depressed.
  
  Not only that, the weight came back with a vengeance.
  
  This plays into my first thought on overturning scepticism via this way because
  the readers would be in her state before her transformation.
  
  So you have to take these ladies gently by the hand.
  
  Don't introduce your new thing yet.
  
  Doing so fires up their warning signs which they feel prey to.
  
  Memories of false hope run deep.
  
  It would help to mention their hopes and trust have been shattered.
  
  Get the elephant in the lounge out early on.
  
  See how this all is coming together in a logical format?
  
  It's first and foremost working with the existing beliefs and experiences
  your mothers have.
  
  Best,
  Ewen
  
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BrianMcLeod 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

P.S. Sorry you got burned. I'd personally be WAY more blunt about who it is so he/she can't do it to anyone else.

I'm sorry that it happened to Melanie as well...

...but the house rules are explicit - no naming and shaming.

B
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Brian McLeod

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Dietriffic

11 years ago

@Mark

You're right. I have a natural inclination to help other women. It's not that I don't want to help men, but it's just how I naturally lean. I'd need the help of a copywriter or something to help me present myself and my product in such a way as to appeal to both.

Does that make sense?

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Mark Pescetti

11 years ago

Melanie!

Here's the thing:

You don't need to appeal to both.

Just honor your passion to help women and ALLOW that to come through.

It wants to come out.

I felt it.

By positioning yourself to exclusively help women, it'll bring more of your organic assets and passion out...

...and you'll make more money.

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Dietriffic

11 years ago

@Mark
Thanks for that. I needed to hear your support of what comes natural to me.

@Ewen
Thank you. This is helpful.

This is my first launch, which is fairly small. I'm planning on making a big push obviously in January as that's when people go mad for weight loss.

Would you leave a press release until nearer that time?

Also, with Alexa's advice, I'm going to develop another pitch page for affiliates to use which doesn't ask for an email. I didn't realise affiliates feel so strongly about it, so I'll have to accomodate them.

I've added your 'jelly belly' reference into the squeeze page along with a slightly modified version of a headline NickN sent me.

Your 'leading gently by the hand' idea is one of the reasons we wanted to try a launch process of several videos over a period of time. Each video is designed to educate and encourage the person into wanting to try again and believing they can do it, just like the woman I interviewed, and to build trust so that by the fourth video they want to get on board.

I think in the first video we very softly deal with a lot of what you mention. The interview covers other diets, and failure, etc, and there's no mention of my product. Just my ideas and solutions, some of which I share with them in the second video.

Then there's my formula in the third video, which exposes the approach of other diets, and the uniqueness of my own approach.

Then in the fourth video I answer queries (objections) and present how this is an opportunity to end the frustration and failures here and now.

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max5ty

11 years ago

If I were advising you on your campaign...this would be my elevator critique:

17 pounds in almost 3 months is not what I would consider a "Breakthrough Formula". Are you serious?

"Mother-of-two" --- Who cares, her children are probably in their late 20's...I'm sure she's not still busy taking care of them.

"How even at her age"-- That's a sales killer. Don't think most women in their 50's think of themselves as old.

You're not starting off with any unique selling proposition...the one you are using about the 17 pounds, makes me yawn.

I hate double opt-in hoops just to watch a free video. Give the first video away, then offer them the chance to subscribe.

You're saying too much on your squeeze page. Put up an attention grabbing headline, then have the video plastered below it...click...you've got them if the video gets their attention...

...I think this is my floor.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

If I were advising you on your campaign...this would be my elevator critique:

17 pounds in almost 3 months is not what I would consider a "Breakthrough Formula". Are you serious?

"Mother-of-two" --- Who cares, her children are probably in their late 20's...I'm sure she's not still busy taking care of them.

"How even at her age"-- That's a sales killer. Don't think most women in their 50's think of themselves as old.

You're not starting off with any unique selling proposition...the one you are using about the 17 pounds, makes me yawn.

I hate double opt-in hoops just to watch a free video. Give the first video away, then offer them the chance to subscribe.

You're saying too much on your squeeze page. Put up an attention grabbing headline, then have the video plastered below it...click...you've got them if the video gets their attention...

...I think this is my floor.

For once...I agree with everything the man says.

To re-iterate: the headline is a dud.

"Top secret" - yawn.

53 year old Mother of two??? Who cares? As my colleague says above - they are probably adult children.

This whole thing is screaming out for branding and a bloody great HOOK.

Opt-in just to see the video? Pass. The video should be in the middle and should be the star of the page.

And as I've said over and over...in this niche nothing beats the old "Before and After" photos. "Loses 17 inches from her belly" is nowhere near as powerful as showing her in the the old baggy pants she used to fit.

Finally - no matter what happened between you and the writer its NOT COOL to slag them off publicly. If someone did that to me I'd be ropeable. Its no-one else's business except you and the writer. Washing dirty linen in public like this is not a good look. And the guy who advised you to do that should know better. (My guess is the Mods will delete it)

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Dietriffic

11 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

For once...I agree with everything the man says.

To re-iterate: the headline is a dud.

"Top secret" - yawn.

53 year old Mother of two??? Who cares? As my colleague says above - they are probably adult children.

This whole thing is screaming out for branding and a bloody great HOOK.

Opt-in just to see the video? Pass. The video should be in the middle and should be the star of the page.

And as I've said over and over...in this niche nothing beats the old "Before and After" photos. "Loses 17 inches from her belly" is nowhere near as powerful as showing her in the the old baggy pants she used to fit.

Finally - no matter what happened between you and the writer its NOT COOL to slag them off publicly. If someone did that to me I'd be ropeable. Its no-one else's business except you and the writer. Washing dirty linen in public like this is not a good look. And the guy who advised you to do that should know better. (My guess is the Mods will delete it)

Taken on board.

As for the slag off... who's slagging off? I stated a facts (apart from disappearing off the planet, since I've no idea where they went).

There's absolutely nothing personal mentioned. I was patient to a fault, and they haven't even the courtesy to acknowledge me.

There's a WSO that was closed for further comments which shows I wasn't the only one to get burned. They literally put up a WSO and run off with the cash into the sunset.

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Marvin Johnston

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Dietriffic

There's a WSO that was closed for further comments which shows I wasn't the only one to get burned. They literally put up a WSO and run off with the cash into the sunset.

Really sorry to hear that you got burned.

But I am curious what the you and other copywriters on the board think. There is a link in the WSO to the questionnaire to fill out prior to getting the sales letter written (still up as of right now.)

I've seen relatively little information in one place describing the information/research needed for a salesletter.

Did you find the exercise of filling out the questionnaire helpful with your current salesletter efforts? And is this a typical/useful questionnaire that copywriters use prior to beginning a project?

Marvin

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Andrew Gould

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Marvin Johnston

Did you find the exercise of filling out the questionnaire helpful with your current salesletter efforts? And is this a typical/useful questionnaire that copywriters use prior to beginning a project?

It's fairly typical (for comparison, here's Michel Fortin's Questions.pdf)

I don't use one, I get the info I need from a chat with the client and then do my own research (but reading Fortin's I might start, even if only to use as a checklist for the chat). If I do need anything specific from the client I email them.

There's some relevant stuff here:

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...copy-guns.html

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Dietriffic

Taken on board.

As for the slag off... who's slagging off? I stated a facts (apart from disappearing off the planet, since I've no idea where they went).

There's absolutely nothing personal mentioned. I was patient to a fault, and they haven't even the courtesy to acknowledge me.

There's a WSO that was closed for further comments which shows I wasn't the only one to get burned. They literally put up a WSO and run off with the cash into the sunset.

http://www.warriorforum.com/main-int...ing-forum.html

I read the comments on the WSO you bought. At $100 (Red Flag right there). And I note they were both banned. But you still have to abide by the Dreaded Rule #1. And yes I've been ripped several times here myself - usually by people I'm trying to help.

So keep fiddling with your site and keep asking opinions and we'll see how you go. If you like.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Dietriffic

I was prompted to break a rule I forgot WAS a rule. I've made my apology, Mal. No malice was intended. Far from it.

When I made my order, I had just given $500 to the more senior individual for another job, and paid $400 to the student for 4 video scripts, 3 of which had already been written and perhaps just needed tidied up for what I needed.

I thought the 'red flag' issue should be irrelevant when you go in thinking you're dealing with someone who's recommended by someone high profile.

Well you're still ignoring Rule 1 aren't you. As well as ignoring the excellent advice you're getting here. You're just rearranging the deck-chairs now. So I give up.

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NickN

11 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Finally - no matter what happened between you and the writer its NOT COOL to slag them off publicly. If someone did that to me I'd be ropeable. Its no-one else's business except you and the writer. Washing dirty linen in public like this is not a good look. And the guy who advised you to do that should know better. (My guess is the Mods will delete it)

Mal, I checked out the WSO in which Melanie bought this guy's services. There were probably about 10 people commenting they hadn't received shit after months and months.

Both the copywriter and his mentor got banned.

Sure, maybe it's not "proper" to name names. But these schysters? Eff them.

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BrianMcLeod

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Dietriffic

There's a WSO that was closed for further comments which shows I wasn't the only one to get burned. They literally put up a WSO and run off with the cash into the sunset.

Originally Posted by NickN

Mal, I checked out the WSO in which Melanie bought this guy's services. There were probably about 10 people commenting they hadn't received shit after months and months.

Both the copywriter and his mentor got banned.

Sure, maybe it's not "proper" to name names. But these schysters? Eff them.

It's not that it's not proper, there's a specific rule about it... a rule that can feel pretty unfair when it's clear "somebody done somebody wrong" (sorry, country music thread?).

But I think we can let the WSO thread speak for itself without breaking any rules, right?

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Brian McLeod

Direct Response Copywriting

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Dietriffic

11 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

If I were advising you on your campaign...this would be my elevator critique:

17 pounds in almost 3 months is not what I would consider a "Breakthrough Formula". Are you serious?

"Mother-of-two" --- Who cares, her children are probably in their late 20's...I'm sure she's not still busy taking care of them.

"How even at her age"-- That's a sales killer. Don't think most women in their 50's think of themselves as old.

You're not starting off with any unique selling proposition...the one you are using about the 17 pounds, makes me yawn.

I hate double opt-in hoops just to watch a free video. Give the first video away, then offer them the chance to subscribe.

You're saying too much on your squeeze page. Put up an attention grabbing headline, then have the video plastered below it...click...you've got them if the video gets their attention...

...I think this is my floor.

Some good points which I'll take on board. You're talking like it's useless, when it's pulling at well over 40%.

I could always talk about a 28 year old man who lost 15.9lbs in under 5 weeks, but I didn't think it would relate as well, since he's young and male.

Maybe I'm wrong?

As for the opt in, I'm going to do a version without any opt in, as I mentioned above. It's called testing, and who cares what we like/hate if it converts at a higher rate?

Thanks again.

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Dietriffic

11 years ago

I've tightened the whole thing up.

Thoughts? The Big Fat Cure - The Revolutionary Video Coaching Weight Loss Program

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Dietriffic

11 years ago

@Brian
I didn't know it was an explicit rule. Sorry.

I didn't intend to name them initially, but since I can be conclusive about the fact that it will never be resolved, then I figured Mark might have a point.

Again, I'm not a revenge seeker. I moved on long before I absolutely knew I would never get it resolved.

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BrianMcLeod

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Dietriffic

@Brian
I didn't know it was an explicit rule. Sorry.

I didn't intend to name them initially, but since I can be conclusive about the fact that it will never be resolved, then I figured Mark might have a point.

Again, I'm not a revenge seeker. I moved on long before I absolutely knew I would never get it resolved.

Melanie,

Don't give it another moment's thought...

You got taken for a ride - there's NOBODY here who thinks that's acceptable.

Sometimes the rules that make for a sane forum can seem... well... CRAZY!

Brian

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GlenH 11 years ago

A quick headline idea...

"53 Year Old Serial Dieter Cracks The Code To Losing Belly Fat WITHOUT Diet Restrictions and WITHOUT Hours Of Boring Exercises"
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Mark Pescetti

11 years ago

You've gotten some good advice.

But the copy doesn't feel like what you're selling is unique.

And I sense you have some REAL perspectives that will separate you from the rest of the fat-melting pack.

My advice:

Go back and write down all of the life-changing benefits your videos/product offers...

...then reflect them in your copy.

My point is...

You can listen to the people here and heed their advice, but until you're confidently expressing what makes you different, you're still not going to attract the people/women you REALLY help into your business model. (And yes, I'm saying that - even though you have a good opt-in rate.)

You can still use the basic structure you've been helped to hone in upon; just reflect the genuine tools, insights, awareness and passion behind the videos. (What are those words, benefits and perspectives?)

Mark

P.S. Sorry for instigating trouble. I read the rules a couple years ago. I just figured integrity was always aboveboard.

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Dietriffic 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

P.S. Sorry for instigating trouble. I read the rules a couple years ago. I just figured integrity was always aboveboard.

No need to apologise to me, Mark. A mistake was made by both of us, and some here appear to want to rub it in :confused:

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Well you're still ignoring Rule 1 aren't you.

We get it. Give over, Mal.
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Squeeze page holes

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