It's clumsy, doesn't grab attention and reads like stereotypical ad.

Say something that can't be ignored. Skewer sacred cows. Step on toes. Oh, and keep it conversational. (Easy, right?)

What you have here is a big yawn--->delete.

The subject line has potential, especially if you can replace "local" with the name of their trade area.

Try changing "market your business" to "reach." That will shorten things up and avoid any negative associations some business owners have with the word "marketing."

I think you should try to be more personal story or example to gain a little trust.

Try the famous Halbert first paragraph:

If you want to reach your targeted prospects quickly and easily for pennies on the dollar, this will be the most exciting message you'll ever read.

...you could follow the old copywriting rule.

Immediately expand on your headline (and cut out any waffle).

Your headline isn't bad.

So, you could say something like this -

Yes, now you can reach 10,000 homeowners for less than 0.03 cents each.

Like me, you want laser targeted advertising at an incredibly low cost. Bringing you exceptionally high sales, revenues and profits.

Here's how it's done...


Steve

Thomas - watch this - Free Email Subject Line Swipe File


Fine line between spam and genuine email subject lines. But some good stuff here.

Now if you Google "email subject line swipe file" you'll find heaps of free swipe files.

OK this is what I've come up with and am going to test:
What do you think?

There was another thread on a similar topic a few months ago, you might find something useful in it:

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...8-27-12-a.html

I'm not going to critique your email...instead I'll offer some advice.

If you've ever been a business owner, you know that every day you're bombarded with loads of emails, etc., from every Tom, Dick, Harry and Betty that have ordered the latest "Work At Home Whiz Bang Idea". Almost like clock work, every latest idea sold to those wanting to make money starts hitting emails and desks...very few ever get read.

As a business owner, you're working hard to increase sales...yet one of the biggest "pains" you have is the never ending stream of people coming in with their hands out wanting you to pay them for yet another "great new idea" that will explode your business. You're not the first to take a stab at it.

I'm not sure what you're planning on offering in the way of advertising. I assume it's something along the lines of a mailer with several ads on a page.

Anyways...

Emails are just a lazy way to hopefully hit paydirt. You've got to be better than your competitors that are all after the same money you are. The business owner knows the vulchers are coming...you've got to be different.

Do what you're offering to do. If you're wanting them to advertise on a mailer, build them an ad and put it on your mailer...then you can approach them and SHOW them the ad...once they actually see the physical ad, most will be more willing to buy.

If you do the whole mailer with several different ads on it...each business you approach will want to be part of the group.

I'm just using the mailer idea as an example, I don't know what you have in mind. I also couldn't critique your email without knowing what you had in mind and finding out more about your idea.

What I'm trying to say is you must SHOW...you'll be way ahead of the competition.

Just some thoughts...use them as you wish.

[DELETED]

0oo0 wtf are you talking about?

For what it's worth, here's my suggestion:

========================

For each $1 you spend you will reach over 330 people. Interested?

Attention Biz Owner,

We all know this - advertising can be expensive. But as you know, cutting advertising to save money is like throwing away the clock to save time.

Here is a new program designed to save you money AND get you more local business. In other words, much better bang for your advertising buck.

Here's how it works...

======================

1. Re-framing of the offer to a smaller unit (better check my maths )
2. It's more about them than about you. Use the word you more and I never
3. They want more business, not more advertising
4. Assume they are smart enough to get the clock simile
5. Ditch all exclamation points.
6. Split test and see what pulls better.

Good luck with the campaign.