How is this opening paragraph?

11 years ago

It's clumsy, doesn't grab attention and reads like stereotypical ad.

Say something that can't be ignored. Skewer sacred cows. Step on toes. Oh, and keep it conversational. (Easy, right?)

What you have here is a big yawn--->delete.

The subject line has potential, especially if you can replace "local" with the name of their trade area.

Try changing "market your business" to "reach." That will shorten things up and avoid any negative associations some business owners have with the word "marketing."

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2 replies

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0oo0

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Pusateri

It's clumsy, doesn't grab attention and reads like stereotypical ad.

Say something that can't be ignored. Skewer sacred cows. Step on toes. Oh, and keep it conversational. (Easy, right?)

What you have here is a big yawn--->delete.

The subject line has potential, especially if you can replace "local" with the name of their trade area.

Try changing "market your business" to "reach." That will shorten things up and avoid any negative associations some business owners have with the word "marketing."

I agree with some of this but I don't see where it's clumsy?

Thanks

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Thomas Michal

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Pusateri

It's clumsy, doesn't grab attention and reads like stereotypical ad.

Say something that can't be ignored. Skewer sacred cows. Step on toes. Oh, and keep it conversational. (Easy, right?)

What you have here is a big yawn--->delete.

The subject line has potential, especially if you can replace "local" with the name of their trade area.

Try changing "market your business" to "reach." That will shorten things up and avoid any negative associations some business owners have with the word "marketing."

So more like this?

Attention Biz,

Do you run your business like me?

You're careful where you spend your marketing dollars, and find nothing worse than some ad rep calling you during lunch looking for you to pay $1,000 to be in whatever XZY publication he's from for overpriced ad space next to the after hour massage parlor.

If so, I have something for you...

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Pusateri

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Thomas Michal

So more like this?

Attention Biz,

Do you run your business like me?

You're careful where you spend your marketing dollars, and find nothing worse than some ad rep calling you during lunch looking for you to pay $1,000 to be in whatever XZY publication he's from for overpriced ad space next to the after hour massage parlor.

If so, I have something for you...

Still clumsy. And you need to be very careful with mental imagery. The first metal image (FMI) you've created in the reader's mind is of a sleazy massage parlor.

Unless you can transfer them quickly to a more powerful (and positive) mental image regarding you or your offer, you're in trouble.

Google the Nancy L. Halbert Heraldry Letter to see how a master makes a simple, compelling, conversational offer.

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1 reply

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0oo0

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Pusateri

Still clumsy. And you need to be very careful with mental imagery. The first metal image (FMI) you've created in the reader's mind is of a sleazy massage parlor.

Unless you can transfer them quickly to a more powerful (and positive) mental image regarding you or your offer, you're in trouble.

Google the Nancy L. Halbert Heraldry Letter to see how a master makes a simple, compelling, conversational offer.

Dude, what do you mean by clumsy?

I guess I don't get that. His sentences make sense and are completely readable.

I don't get what you mean by clumsy?

But I do agree about the parlor thing you say.

You should ditch that.

Thanks
1 reply

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Pusateri

11 years ago

Originally Posted by 0oo0

Dude, what do you mean by clumsy?

I guess I don't get that. His sentences make sense and are completely readable.

I don't get what you mean by clumsy?

But I do agree about the parlor thing you say.

You should ditch that.

By clumsy I mean it stumbles out of the gate and wastes the valuable gift of the reader's attention.

It's all pro forma. It takes the expected form of a marketing message.

The first sentence must be relevant and compelling enough for them to read the second. The second must do the same for the third, and so on.

Thanks

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betterwtveter

11 years ago

I think you should try to be more personal story or example to gain a little trust.

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1 reply

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Thomas Michal

11 years ago

Originally Posted by betterwtveter

I think you should try to be more personal story or example to gain a little trust.

I get more personal in the body copy. I'm trying to get them into the copy with the first paragraph.

Thanks
1 reply

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connorbringas

11 years ago

The last thing you want to do is look like spam, and i hate to say it but that email screams spam. If i got an email like that and it actually showed up in my inbox and not under spam id delete it immediately.

It always helps me before I create an email campaign to think of one thing: Would I open this?

Maybe this will help you think of what to say in the email, hopefully.

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1 reply

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Thomas Michal

11 years ago

Originally Posted by connorbringas

The last thing you want to do is look like spam, and i hate to say it but that email screams spam. If i got an email like that and it actually showed up in my inbox and not under spam id delete it immediately.

It always helps me before I create an email campaign to think of one thing: Would I open this?

Maybe this will help you think of what to say in the email, hopefully.

I call these businesses first, how do you think I get their email.

Thanks
1 reply

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The Copy Nazi Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Thomas Michal

I call these businesses first, how do you think I get their email.

And you're counting on their remembering your call? The guy's right - it reads like spam. Boring-ass spam. And as Pusateri said - it's clumsy.

Start again. This time forget you're writing advertising copy. Imagine you're emailing a buddy. Write it just like that - then clean it up.

You're welcome.
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ThomasOMalley

11 years ago

Try the famous Halbert first paragraph:

If you want to reach your targeted prospects quickly and easily for pennies on the dollar, this will be the most exciting message you'll ever read.

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Steve The Copywriter

11 years ago

...you could follow the old copywriting rule.

Immediately expand on your headline (and cut out any waffle).

Your headline isn't bad.

So, you could say something like this -

Yes, now you can reach 10,000 homeowners for less than 0.03 cents each.

Like me, you want laser targeted advertising at an incredibly low cost. Bringing you exceptionally high sales, revenues and profits.

Here's how it's done...

Steve

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http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

Thomas - watch this - Free Email Subject Line Swipe File

Fine line between spam and genuine email subject lines. But some good stuff here.

PLEASE NOTE: First, even though these "hypnotic" subject line strategies are sometimes used quite successfully by spammers, I don't condone spamming and I am NOT suggesting you start spamming. Second, I am also NOT suggesting you mislead people or misrepresent your emails in any way... so please don't use subject lines that don't relate to the content of your emails simply because you want to use these mental triggers to skyrocket your open rates.

Now if you Google "email subject line swipe file" you'll find heaps of free swipe files.

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Thomas Michal

11 years ago

OK this is what I've come up with and am going to test:

Subject line:
"owner name", "receptionist name" said to get this to you...

copy:
Attention owner name,

Yes. I’m writing you this email to show you how me and a group of local companies have slashed our advertising budgets, increased our profits and reach 10,000 home owners in Minneapolis for less than 3 cents per household.

What do you think?

Thanks
1 reply

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Pusateri 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Thomas Michal

OK this is what I've come up with and am going to test:

What do you think?

Thomas,

Referring to the full text which you had up earlier:

Much better. A classic hero's journey story. This is a solid start.

Your opening paragraphs aren't moving the ball. Get rid of everything before "About two weeks ago..."

If you will post the full thing again you are sure to get some good advice from the copywriters here.
- Thanks
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Andrew Gould

11 years ago

There was another thread on a similar topic a few months ago, you might find something useful in it:

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...8-27-12-a.html

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Andrew Gould

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max5ty

11 years ago

I'm not going to critique your email...instead I'll offer some advice.

If you've ever been a business owner, you know that every day you're bombarded with loads of emails, etc., from every Tom, Dick, Harry and Betty that have ordered the latest "Work At Home Whiz Bang Idea". Almost like clock work, every latest idea sold to those wanting to make money starts hitting emails and desks...very few ever get read.

As a business owner, you're working hard to increase sales...yet one of the biggest "pains" you have is the never ending stream of people coming in with their hands out wanting you to pay them for yet another "great new idea" that will explode your business. You're not the first to take a stab at it.

I'm not sure what you're planning on offering in the way of advertising. I assume it's something along the lines of a mailer with several ads on a page.

Anyways...

Emails are just a lazy way to hopefully hit paydirt. You've got to be better than your competitors that are all after the same money you are. The business owner knows the vulchers are coming...you've got to be different.

Do what you're offering to do. If you're wanting them to advertise on a mailer, build them an ad and put it on your mailer...then you can approach them and SHOW them the ad...once they actually see the physical ad, most will be more willing to buy.

If you do the whole mailer with several different ads on it...each business you approach will want to be part of the group.

I'm just using the mailer idea as an example, I don't know what you have in mind. I also couldn't critique your email without knowing what you had in mind and finding out more about your idea.

What I'm trying to say is you must SHOW...you'll be way ahead of the competition.

Just some thoughts...use them as you wish.

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1 reply

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0oo0

11 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

I'm not going to critique your email...instead I'll offer some advice.

If you've ever been a business owner, you know that every day you're bombarded with loads of emails, etc., from every Tom, Dick, Harry and Betty that have ordered the latest "Work At Home Whiz Bang Idea". Almost like clock work, every latest idea sold to those wanting to make money starts hitting emails and desks...very few ever get read.

As a business owner, you're working hard to increase sales...yet one of the biggest "pains" you have is the never ending stream of people coming in with their hands out wanting you to pay them for yet another "great new idea" that will explode your business. You're not the first to take a stab at it.

I'm not sure what you're planning on offering in the way of advertising. I assume it's something along the lines of a mailer with several ads on a page.

Anyways...

Emails are just a lazy way to hopefully hit paydirt. You've got to be better than your competitors that are all after the same money you are. The business owner knows the vulchers are coming...you've got to be different.

Do what you're offering to do. If you're wanting them to advertise on a mailer, build them an ad and put it on your mailer...then you can approach them and SHOW them the ad...once they actually see the physical ad, most will be more willing to buy.

If you do the whole mailer with several different ads on it...each business you approach will want to be part of the group.

I'm just using the mailer idea as an example, I don't know what you have in mind. I also couldn't critique your email without knowing what you had in mind and finding out more about your idea.

What I'm trying to say is you must SHOW...you'll be way ahead of the competition.

Just some thoughts...use them as you wish.

These aren't cold email. I'm following up from a call.

Thanks

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0oo0 11 years ago

[DELETED]

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- max5ty 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by 0oo0
  
  These aren't cold emails. I'm following up from a call.
  
  If you've got a better idea that you've tested, and it's worked for you...by all means, carry on.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Andrew Gould 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by 0oo0
  
  These aren't cold emails. I'm following up from a call.
  
  ???
  
  You're not the OP.
  
  Unless, you are...
  
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  Andrew Gould
  
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Thomas Michal

11 years ago

0oo0 wtf are you talking about?

Thanks
2 replies

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0oo0 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Thomas Michal

0oo0 wtf are you talking about?

You said that in a previous post... Chill out.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- Karson 11 years ago
  
  Here is the opening paragraph of a direct mail piece that I wrote for a mailer.
  
  Feel free to use what you want from it. The USP was no competing businesses on the card.
  
  Jim,
  
  Are you curious to know how you can get a load of new customers that your competitors can't? There is a proven way to make sure everyone will think (business name) when needing (service or product). Would you like to do this on an affordable budget that makes your marketing dollars an investment and not just a cost? This proven method is extremely easy to use but exclusive to only one (business type) in your area.
  
  Thanks
  
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BrianMcLeod 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Thomas Michal

0oo0 wtf are you talking about?

Sigh...

Consider this a lucky break.

Thread closed.
- Thanks
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Brian McLeod

Direct Response Copywriting
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squadron

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Thomas Michal

Ok this is for an email campaign getting local businesses on board to do local print advertising.

I'm curious as to what you think of the opening paragraph.

For what it's worth, here's my suggestion:

========================

For each $1 you spend you will reach over 330 people. Interested?

Attention Biz Owner,

We all know this - advertising can be expensive. But as you know, cutting advertising to save money is like throwing away the clock to save time.

Here is a new program designed to save you money AND get you more local business. In other words, much better bang for your advertising buck.

Here's how it works...

======================

1. Re-framing of the offer to a smaller unit (better check my maths )
2. It's more about them than about you. Use the word you more and I never
3. They want more business, not more advertising
4. Assume they are smart enough to get the clock simile
5. Ditch all exclamation points.
6. Split test and see what pulls better.

Good luck with the campaign.

Thanks

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