Hire a copywriter.

Enough said.


Mark Andrews

Nice Mark... come on, Im learning, give me a break, don't all people start somewhere?

I also found your website very confusing.

If you want a traditional long form scrolling sales letter, model some successful sales letters and check out Robert Boduch's excellent book, Winning Website Sales Letters.

If your site is more of a site for professional services, see Dan Furman's Do the Web Write.

Best,

Thomas O'Malley

I would provide a setup right away regarding what the benefits are to running an offline rental company. The letter seems to assume that people who view it are already gung-ho about an offline rental niche, but what if they’re merely curious? What if they think it means you rent offices to offline clients? Or offline supplies? IM people might know, but anyone else reading might now. Let’s build up the excitement of why it’s such a good business model…

Candace,

I want to discourage you.

Yes. That just happened.

But I do it with love.

See, the problem is not the copy... the problem came before the copy.

I'll explain and I want to be careful how I say this.

You've obviously figured out the core technical aspects of putting together a multi-user WP site with BuddyPress and the other working gears that make this motor run. That's a win. You should feel very good about that because many of the folks in this section are clueless about how to do that.

The real problem you have with this offer is VALUE. And the reason that you have a value problem is that the sites you want to deliver as the cornerstone of your offer are not good enough yet. I'll spare you the details, but you know what I'm talking about.

If you get this part wrong, no amount of brilliant copy is going to cure that.

I'm not telling you to abandon ship. I'm telling you to bring it back to port immediately for a complete overhaul - it's not seaworthy and you're going to die if you set sail.

I kinda like the Offlancer brand concept and even the mascot. You have the makings of something there that could work much better for you. But forget the word "rental" post haste.

And charge a lot more money... for more VALUE.

Offlancer
Turnkey Local Lead Generation Systems for Offline Consultants
powered by ManageWP and GetResponse

Find a designer/coder and hire/partner with them. Bring the design/functionality of the landing pages up to professional standard. This could be easier than you might think. But you cannot do it yourself.

Develop a "done-for-you" procedure and team of freelancers that can install/configure the installations of these systems for buyers as part of the deal. It will be built into the cost of each sold system, so don't freak out about the cost.

Build a relationship with key tech partners - like the examples I gave above for ManageWP, a master WP control platform... and GetResponse, an email autoresponder/lead collection service. Integrate them deeply with your platform and profit as an affiliate. Get this right and they may help you more than you've considered possible.

Think bigger and deliver bigger is what I'm saying.

Make sense?

Best,

Brian

Hi Candace,

Welcome to the warm friendly copywriting forum. In case you haven't figured it out, this forum is swarming with EGOS the size of Blackhawk choppers. Everyone who puts up a request for critique gets slammed like this, don't take it personally.

Problem is, a lot of us copywriters come on here eager and enthusiastic about helping out, only to find that most people asking for advice never take it or argue and defend why they're doing things the way they are. Others thank us and send requests for quotes, only to tell us that they blew too much money on fancy graphics to invest in their copy (the most important component of their marketing).

So I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that a request for critique is often met with a deep sigh, followed by the types of responses above.

Anyway, that said. I read your copy, down to the graphic and I'm honestly still not sure what the offer even is. That's bad. Your marketing can piss people off, make them laugh, cry, whip out their credit card in a buying frenzy...but it should never leave them scratching their heads. There's more, but right now that's your primary setback.

I suspect that a lot of people are giving the feedback they are because this sales page is so many layers away from where it needs to be....it's a lot of work to take someone from ground zero to polished.

I suggest you hang up the writing, get a voice recorder and record yourself explaining the offer. Do this until you "forget" that you're recording and your pitch sounds as conversational as possible. Then, listen to it and honestly ask yourself if it makes sense. If not, keep going until you get a recording that does. Then, sit down and write it out, then come back and ask for critique again.

Are we reading the same thread, Seth?

You think I "slammed" her?

I was too late to warn poor Candace... about the perils of posting your life's treasured work.

Hoping she's survived.

Thinking about it, she got a critique from Mr McLeod which was just ace.



Steve

Hey fellows,

First if I could not handle a big ego, I would be single and lonely. The ego is good, it shows who runs this show, and oviously all of you are incredibly talented.
Second, I appreciate you guys taking the time to give me advice. I never once became offened. I am a one woman show trying to make my dream of online work a reality.

I am doing pretty well with my offers, even with the confusing sales copy.
I am sure I could have polished even more, but I love working on a clients site, so I am happy with the overall outcome.

Thanks again, Candace

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