Need some advice on my copy

12 replies
Is it crapola? I mean I know its not as good as some of your genius work... Ok not even close! I'm not a writer! But for a newb is it semi ok?

What should I do to improve it?

Thanks in advance guys and gals

Offlancer - Professional Offline Occupational Rental Sites
#advice #copy
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Banned
    Hire a copywriter.

    Enough said.


    Mark Andrews
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  • Profile picture of the author momtraders
    Nice Mark... come on, Im learning, give me a break, don't all people start somewhere?
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Candace,

      The offer is not very clear. I had to read and re-read before I finally understood what it is you're selling.

      Is "offline rental company" the term this service is known by? I've never heard it before, so it didn't mean anything to me.

      Am I correct... you're selling a money making offer... and your customers will make money by "renting" websites to offline businesses?

      If so, your deck copy needs to do a better job of tapping into the money-making emotions of your prospects. Then later in the copy tell them the actual way they'll make money.

      Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Originally Posted by momtraders View Post

      Nice Mark... come on, Im learning, give me a break, don't all people start somewhere?
      Give you a break?

      How about giving the copywriters here a break instead? It's their time you're taking up after all, asking for a critique in the first place.

      Let me put it more simply... the copy isn't worth providing a critique for. Its dead in the water. A lame duck. As dead as a parrot. It won't float.

      Best thing you can do to save yourself all the aggro... is to hire a copywriter.

      Not me I add - I'm fully booked up for months on end... well into the summer of 2013.

      Smoking hot,


      Mark Andrews
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    • Profile picture of the author connorbringas
      Originally Posted by momtraders View Post

      Nice Mark... come on, Im learning, give me a break, don't all people start somewhere?
      The title is somewhat weak..it doesnt really make sense as far as the sentence structure is concerned.
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    I also found your website very confusing.

    If you want a traditional long form scrolling sales letter, model some successful sales letters and check out Robert Boduch's excellent book, Winning Website Sales Letters.

    If your site is more of a site for professional services, see Dan Furman's Do the Web Write.

    Best,

    Thomas O'Malley
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  • Profile picture of the author StefanPaulGeorgi
    I would provide a setup right away regarding what the benefits are to running an offline rental company. The letter seems to assume that people who view it are already gung-ho about an offline rental niche, but what if they’re merely curious? What if they think it means you rent offices to offline clients? Or offline supplies? IM people might know, but anyone else reading might now. Let’s build up the excitement of why it’s such a good business model…

    “From the Desk of Candace, MOM of 3,”

    <Bold this. Headshot would be good too >

    “This began as a personal project for me, one where I could get offline clients, bill them monthly and sit back and enjoy my success, it wasn't till I visited the warrior forum and saw the endless supply of offline wso's that I became frustrated and thought my method could be helpful.”

    - What if I don’t know what WSO’s are?

    - Also grammar:

    “This began as a personal project for me, one where I could get offline clients, bill them monthly, and sit back while enjoying a successful business. It wasn’t until I visited a popular Internet marketing hub called warrior forum – and saw the endless supply of offline WSO’s – that I became frustrated. I realized I could help….”

    - I’m guessing you’re going to change the screenshots from the website? As of now, I don’t know what’s going on…”Her face will never be the same?” What the heck does this have to do with my offline office business???

    - It then goes into module one really fast. I thought we were talking about a website, and then now it’s a training module. What happened, where did the module come from? Is this a program, a course, a premade website, what?

    I don’t know what’s going on, and at this point I probably lose interest as a reader and leave.


    Of course, I also think the copy needs a LOT of work. You should try to connect with your reader on an emotional level, go through the pain of trying to build a marketable offline business, etc.

    Plus, a lot of other subtle copy elements that I’m not going to go into on this post.

    Hope at least these few thoughts help… Really, it can be summed up, in one sense, as: It needs a lot of clarity.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Candace,

    I want to discourage you.

    Yes. That just happened.

    But I do it with love.

    See, the problem is not the copy... the problem came before the copy.

    I'll explain and I want to be careful how I say this.

    You've obviously figured out the core technical aspects of putting together a multi-user WP site with BuddyPress and the other working gears that make this motor run. That's a win. You should feel very good about that because many of the folks in this section are clueless about how to do that.

    The real problem you have with this offer is VALUE. And the reason that you have a value problem is that the sites you want to deliver as the cornerstone of your offer are not good enough yet. I'll spare you the details, but you know what I'm talking about.

    If you get this part wrong, no amount of brilliant copy is going to cure that.

    I'm not telling you to abandon ship. I'm telling you to bring it back to port immediately for a complete overhaul - it's not seaworthy and you're going to die if you set sail.

    I kinda like the Offlancer brand concept and even the mascot. You have the makings of something there that could work much better for you. But forget the word "rental" post haste.

    And charge a lot more money... for more VALUE.

    Offlancer
    Turnkey Local Lead Generation Systems for Offline Consultants
    powered by ManageWP and GetResponse

    Find a designer/coder and hire/partner with them. Bring the design/functionality of the landing pages up to professional standard. This could be easier than you might think. But you cannot do it yourself.

    Develop a "done-for-you" procedure and team of freelancers that can install/configure the installations of these systems for buyers as part of the deal. It will be built into the cost of each sold system, so don't freak out about the cost.

    Build a relationship with key tech partners - like the examples I gave above for ManageWP, a master WP control platform... and GetResponse, an email autoresponder/lead collection service. Integrate them deeply with your platform and profit as an affiliate. Get this right and they may help you more than you've considered possible.

    Think bigger and deliver bigger is what I'm saying.

    Make sense?

    Best,

    Brian
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Hi Candace,

    Welcome to the warm friendly copywriting forum. In case you haven't figured it out, this forum is swarming with EGOS the size of Blackhawk choppers. Everyone who puts up a request for critique gets slammed like this, don't take it personally.

    Problem is, a lot of us copywriters come on here eager and enthusiastic about helping out, only to find that most people asking for advice never take it or argue and defend why they're doing things the way they are. Others thank us and send requests for quotes, only to tell us that they blew too much money on fancy graphics to invest in their copy (the most important component of their marketing).

    So I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that a request for critique is often met with a deep sigh, followed by the types of responses above.

    Anyway, that said. I read your copy, down to the graphic and I'm honestly still not sure what the offer even is. That's bad. Your marketing can piss people off, make them laugh, cry, whip out their credit card in a buying frenzy...but it should never leave them scratching their heads. There's more, but right now that's your primary setback.

    I suspect that a lot of people are giving the feedback they are because this sales page is so many layers away from where it needs to be....it's a lot of work to take someone from ground zero to polished.

    I suggest you hang up the writing, get a voice recorder and record yourself explaining the offer. Do this until you "forget" that you're recording and your pitch sounds as conversational as possible. Then, listen to it and honestly ask yourself if it makes sense. If not, keep going until you get a recording that does. Then, sit down and write it out, then come back and ask for critique again.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Are we reading the same thread, Seth?

    You think I "slammed" her?
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  • I was too late to warn poor Candace... about the perils of posting your life's treasured work.

    Hoping she's survived.

    Thinking about it, she got a critique from Mr McLeod which was just ace.



    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author momtraders
    Hey fellows,

    First if I could not handle a big ego, I would be single and lonely. The ego is good, it shows who runs this show, and oviously all of you are incredibly talented.
    Second, I appreciate you guys taking the time to give me advice. I never once became offened. I am a one woman show trying to make my dream of online work a reality.

    I am doing pretty well with my offers, even with the confusing sales copy.
    I am sure I could have polished even more, but I love working on a clients site, so I am happy with the overall outcome.

    Thanks again, Candace
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