Can you take a look a my sales page?

This should be in the Copywriting Forum...

The Copywriting Forum

Smoking hot,


Mark Andrews

1. I'm not too keen on the false scarcity in the pre-headline
2. Headline could be better.

I'm not really feeling "the pain" with this short list.

I'd suggest spending some time in the copywriting forum or consider hiring someone.

Copy is not easy! And I'll admit, I'm not an expert myself but I'm honestly not being drawn into your page.

The headline is clunky and cliche. Do you really think people believe there's a shortage of PDFs? A few might but for most everyone else this is an insult to their intelligence.

The body of the copy is awkward. It doesn't flow. Skill sets? There's a little gem that gets thrown around a lot lately. Try skillset or be bold and go old school and just say skills or abilities.

I scrolled down to your first image and saw, A Beaumont. I thought that was maybe a new breed or something but then it occurred to me it must be the author. Put a period after A. There are many similar snags in this thing that add up.

I think it has potential but as it sits now it's very amateurish. I applaud your effort though. You might consider hiring a pro or at least a proofreader/editor. Good luck.

EDIT: One other thing. Create a signature file and put the link in there. You'll get a lot more responses.

Your headline sounds over the top.

Go for a basic "How To" headline.

You bullet points are telling people the features.
Do some feature and benefit bullets.


Bill


.

On top of what everyone said there is another factor missing here... Where is your proof?

I think your copy would benefit if you had a video. You could have a video showing all the different dog tricks they can teach to their dog.

Your current headline:

"Who Else Wants To Know Secretly Hidden Puppy Powerful Strategies To Make Your PUPPY Obedient And Always Listen To Your Commands...GUARANTEED!"

My Suggestion:

"Here Are Some Easy Tips You Can Use To Train Your Puppy... All While Building The Fond Relationship That You Both Long For"

...remove the "Attention! This Dog Training Course Is Almost SOLD OUT!"

It's an ebook... it can never be sold out.

I would remove the sub-headline: "Finally You Can Fully Equip Yourself With These "Must Have" Tools For Overcoming Failure In Training Your PUP!!!"

Remove the "RE: Becoming Pro In Getting Your Puppies trained"

A product like this shouldn't sounds entirely "hypey" like an internet marketing product... which i'm confident the amateur copywriter who wrote this for you is used to writing headlines for.

Eesh, where to begin?

Echoing others opinions, your opening is pretty poor.


Pre-head, Headline and deck all suck. Lemme give you some pointers to get you headed in the right direction:

1.) Remove the pre-head. Or at the very least, explain WHY you're limiting it (I can't see any reason why you would, so best to delete it altogether).

2.) Headline is clunky, and I found it pretty difficult to read. Try:

"ATTENTION! How to command your dog like a pro, and have it RUNNING to obey you!"

Might wanna change some wording, but that'll do.

3.) Your opening copy is generic. Do you honestly think the prospect gives a crap about the "increasing interest in dogs around the world"? Nope. Y'know what they DO give a crap about?

Getting their dog not to crap all over their carpets, and attack their grandparents. You might wanna start with something like:

- Tired of begging your dog to stop soiling your carpets?

- Terrified of what your dog might do to your Granny next time she comes round? (Last time was a close shave!)

- Had enough with your unruly, messy and downright disobedient dog?

Finally! Something you can do about it without throwing money at expensive dog trainers...


4.) Sort your grammar out. "The Ultimate Dogs Trainer’s Guide for Handling All Dogs and Tame Them Effectively" That doesn't make sense. Proofread it...a lot.

5.) Your bullets are weak. Inject some emotion into your copy! In my view, it seems like you don't have a good fix on your prospect's emotions. They're tired of their sofas getting shredded, of not sleeping all night due to the howling by their dogs, the aggressive attitudes their dog has (meaning they're afraid and apprehensive about walking it).

Cmon, get into your prospect's head, and get some emotion in there. They're sitting there crying, pulling their hair out - your book is the solution to this problem they have.




Start here.




Ben.

This is another one of those sales letters that looks like an adaption of an IM sales letter to another niche. This niche isn't going to respond to this design style or copy style. I have a long term client in this niche and there are a few things you need to keep in mind when writing copy:

1) Most of your decision makers are women...so hard selling isn't going to go over well.
2) Your colors need to be the "trust colors" (aka, brown and orange). Red and black will go over like a belch at a wedding banquet.
3) Credibility and social proof is huge, you have zero right now. Not good.
4) I can tell the writer isn't a native English speaker, that's going to kill credibility.
5) Who is A. Beaumont" and why should I listen to them?
6) (Biggest issue). No one cares about "raising a puppy." They care about preventing biting, chewing, $#$@ing everywhere, excessive barking and disobedience. I know these might sound like the same thing, but they're not. You have to talk about the specific experience that the person wants to escape/avoid and the experience they want to have in its place.

Think about your target audience... Who you're selling this ebook to?

My guess is people who just bought a puppy as a pet. So in your greetings, why do you address the reader as a "future dog trainer"?

I get what you mean by that, but I don't think your audience will identify themselves as a "dog trainer". "Future dog trainer" sounds like an aspiring professional dog trainer, ya know?

I would recommend 'Dear Friend' or 'Dear Puppy Owner'.

Copy this page to a new draft in WP.

Switch to the template "Thin Sales" all the way down at the bottom of the list in OptimizePress to bring the width in. This layout is way too wide for text only content.

And then start again at the top...

This time, tape an index card to the top right of your screen that says:

1) My prospect is a first time puppy owner who just brought home her new dog a few weeks ago.

2) She says: "I've GOT to get this dog to stop chewing up my furniture and peeing on the rug! I'm afraid if I don't get this solved fast, I won't be able to keep this dog... or be miserable for the 10 years"

3) She wishes: "I want my dog to be as well behaved as the dogs I see on The Dog Whisperer"

Is the target middle-class women?

Yipes!

Everything everybody said above, plus I would like to add a distinction (or two):

You're treating puppy/dog ownership/training as this HUGE problem.

It's not. Definitely not.

When people get a puppy, oxytocin and vasopressin (the neurochemicals which drive long term bonding and strong attachments in humans) are CRANKING.

That means all sorts of annoying sh*t puppies do is overlooked. And if you point the annoying sh*t out to the puppy owner, their basic comeback is:

"So what? Who cares? Isn't my wittle cutie pie adorable?"

That is... until the puppy does something REALLY annoying. Like mutilates a pair of their favorite $700 Jimmy Choos. That is TOTALLY unforgivable (and will be remembered forever.)

That type of sh*t has to STOP. RIGHT. NOW.

And that's exactly when the puppy owner realizes they need YOU. And starts Googling.

And here you are trying trying to teach them everything. And they just don't care about all that other stuff that they overlook or find adorable.

Stated differently, what they want is targeted training, targeted solutions to specific problems they're having with cutie pie.

----

And that's where the power of bullets come in.

In your copy you're able to nail each of these 'little episodes' with ultra-targeted language which resonates with the prospect. And most importantly, makes them hit the 'buy' button because of just one single bullet.

----

Please understand owning a puppy, training a puppy, isn't a chore. It isn't a problem... it's a labor of love--until it isn't. And even then, the scope of the problem is extremely small.

And fortunately because of your training, the problem is totally and easily overcome-able, in just a few simple steps--that their puppy (and they) will love.

- Rick Duris

Your positioning is ALL wrong.

When your prospects own a puppy/dog, their quality of life can be severely affected (or elevated, depending upon their choices.)

If your prospects fail to train their dog, everything they enjoy doing is, limited.

Likewise...

Dogs lead an absolutely miserable existence...

...if his or her life is restricted because he or she is too unruly to be in public around people and other dogs.

Also...

A bad dog is a reflection of the owner (hit 'em where it hurts baby!)

Here's where I vastly disagree with Rick:

Having a puppy is a monumental pain the a$$.

Sure...

People get all excited when they bring a new puppy into the house...

...but their lifestyle is totally interrupted (to varying degrees, depending upon how well they start training the puppy from day one.)

The sooner that owners start properly training their puppy, the better.

Want urgency?

Well, there you go.

You need to completely start over, re-brand and reposition yourself.

If that means rewriting your ebook too, so be it.

What you have here won't work.

Mark

P.S. Training a puppy is a LOT of work. Why do you think most people don't do it (properly?) It's also a responsibility. Again, the quality of your prospect's AND dog's lives are severely affected by the degree of training that's implemented. Your copy needs to instill that fact... Otherwise, you're leaving more money on the table than what you'll ever find in your PayPal account.

I like the discussions about the "puppy fever," it's certainly intoxicating. At the same time, people who get puppies do get a bit disillusioned by the problems that come with it. That might be a good angle to work:

"You LOVE Your Puppy, But He's RUINING Your Life!"
"Love Your Puppy But Hate His Behaviors?"

...you see, something that addresses the emotional state the person is experiencing. Screw all this talk about dog training...sell the experience and contrast that with the pain in the ass things they're experiencing right now.

Thanks to everyone for the great suggestions. I admit that this copy was not written me. I was honestly overwhelmed and did not think I could do it myself. I will now attempt to do it over myself and get more feedback on what I produce. This is the only way I will learn. I will try to incorporate the points that have resonated with me. I will fix and post again.