Critics wanted: What's your opinion on this letter?

11 years ago

Hi Steve,

Wow, it's not solid gold but I gotta say I was bracing myself for a complete casserole of nonsense. This is not half bad for a newbie, I think you're off to a decent start. I don't have time to dissect the entire letter, but my general 'complaint' would be that you're a bit wordy in places.

I'll give you an example, keep in mind that there are several spots in the sales letter with similar problems:

"How Almost Any Man Can Get Non-Stop Sex... While... He Is Waiting To Meet His Dream Lover! No Matter If He's Old, Young, Dead-Broke or Has Physical Features That Now Turn Women Off!"

There's some conflict in here, it's like you're trying to hard to target the guy who's looking for his dream lover AND the guy who wants to get laid three times a week. I've written quite a bit for this niche and my friends, you're targeting two totally separate animals with that one.

I suggest picking one and focusing the message for them only. You can always create a similar offer which targets the other. Second, instead of saying "as Physical Features That Now Turn Women Off!" why not say "Ugly?" It sounds more conversational and reads better.

I suggest recording yourself speaking the sales letter out loud as if you were presenting it at a live seminar...listen for the parts that sounds "wooden," replace them with something more organic sounding.

Other than that, pretty good start my friend. Good luck with it.

[ 1 ] Thanks

Signature

See My Copywriting Portfolio and Testimonials

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7439756].message }}

stevealtman

11 years ago

For the sub-headline, I kinda stole that from Gary Halbert himself. His ad pulled like crazy. His logic is that it's targeting both your wild, untamed sex craved side, and the side of you that's looking to settle down and find love, at the same time. But I think you have a point, I do want it to be more targeted.

As for the ugly thing, wouldn't physical features also cover guys who are short, fat, bald, insecure about their skin tone, etc? I think just targeting ugly guys will make the short and fat guys feel left out.

The recording myself idea sounds awesome. I'm gonna do that and see what sounds weird and what needs to be taken out.

Thanks!

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7439835].message }}

sethczerepak

11 years ago

Originally Posted by stevealtman

As for the ugly thing, wouldn't physical features also cover guys who are short, fat, bald, insecure about their skin tone, etc? I think just targeting ugly guys will make the short and fat guys feel left out.

It would, but it sounds dry and academic. Why not just SAY, "...fat, short, bald, skinny, bad-skinned?"

This way, if the person is one of the above, they have something to zero in on.

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

See My Copywriting Portfolio and Testimonials

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7439975].message }}

stevealtman

11 years ago

Originally Posted by sethczerepak

It would, but it sounds dry and academic. Why not just SAY, "...fat, short, bald, skinny, bad-skinned?"

This way, if the person is one of the above, they have something to zero in on.

True. My only concern is that the headline will become wayy too long then.

I changed it to

How Almost Any Man Can Get Non-Stop Sex... While... He Is Waiting To Meet His Dream Lover! No Matter If He's Old, Young, Fat, Short, Bald, Ugly or Dead-Broke!

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7440077].message }}

travlinguy

11 years ago

It's awful. It looks like thousands of others in this market. It's not believable. Here's where I stopped reading because you murder your credibility with this statement:

If so, it may not be your fault. It might simply be a biological factor beyond your control. Specifically, an imblance in your subconscious mind.

A biological factor is physical and your subconscious mind is mental. You've got apples and oranges. You've also got imbalance misspelled. There are other credibility issues in there as well.

I'm not being critical so I can get you to hire me. I'm not for hire. Truthfully, this thing is a pick-up pitch cliche festival. Good luck.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7440814].message }}

stevealtman

11 years ago

Originally Posted by travlinguy

It's awful. It looks like thousands of others in this market. It's not believable. Here's where I stopped reading because you murder your credibility with this statement:

If so, it may not be your fault. It might simply be a biological factor beyond your control. Specifically, an imblance in your subconscious mind.

A biological factor is physical and your subconscious mind is mental. You've got apples and oranges. You've also got imbalance misspelled. There are other credibility issues in there as well.

I'm not being critical so I can get you to hire me. I'm not for hire. Truthfully, this thing is a pick-up pitch cliche festival. Good luck.

lol how can you judge that it's awful if you stopped reading at the biological part?

You could have told me to change it to

"If so, it may not be your fault. It might simply be a psychological factor beyond your control. Specifically, an imbalance in your subconscious mind."

and what makes it cliche? In my honest opinion I think it's quite different from most pick up sales letter in the sense where I immediately give them highly valuable tips and secrets on the sales letter, secrets other people use as their best content to fill their ebooks.

Then I go on to shatter the biggest myth in the niche which is that reading books on pick up will make you better with women. Other people wouldn't dare do this because they're the one selling books.

And the fact of the matter is that almost everything I said was true and verifiable so I don't know where I lost my credibility but maybe I worded things wrong.

Also yeah I keep getting that I have spelling errors and that I need to tighten things up. I know I do because this is my first draft.

I just wanted to get some feedback before editing it. Joe Sugarman actually said himself that his first drafts were garbage, but that during the editing process he crafted his masterpieces.

But thanks for your honest criticism. I appreciate it.

Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7443188].message }}

Mark Andrews

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by stevealtman

lol how can you judge...

Because in a nutshell...

...you asked him to. That's why.

And he comes with a massive amount more experience than you bring to the table.

Don't ask for a critique, if you're going to take umbrage at the responses on offer. These guys are giving you of their time and expertise freely. They don't have to help you.

Mark Andrews

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7443290].message }}

stevealtman

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

Because in a nutshell...

...you asked him to. That's why.

And he comes with a massive amount more experience than you bring to the table.

Don't ask for a critique, if you're going to take umbrage at the responses on offer. These guys are giving you of their time and expertise freely. They don't have to help you.

Mark Andrews

I meant how can he judge that the whole letter is awful if he just read up to there? Maybe only that portion is awful in his opinion?

I don't mean to come off as ungrateful, because I am..I've already made a couple of changes to my letter

but it would be better if you left a critique that said

"Your copy is the worst piece of s**t I've ever seen, it's just like every copy.."

here's what you should fix.....

instead of

"Your copy is the worst piece of s**t I've ever seen, it's just like every copy.."

and then leave me hanging and frustrated, with no where to go.

sethczerepak gave real advice on how to fix the copy up

I very much do appreciate the feedback either way, I know you guys are busy and helping out newbies for free won't do much for you besides "send waves of positive vibration so the universe grants you all your wishes" lol

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7443730].message }}

travlinguy

11 years ago

Originally Posted by stevealtman

lol how can you judge that it's awful if you stopped reading at the biological part?

You could have told me to change it to

"If so, it may not be your fault. It might simply be a psychological factor beyond your control. Specifically, an imbalance in your subconscious mind."

and what makes it cliche? In my honest opinion I think it's quite different from most pick up sales letter in the sense where I immediately give them highly valuable tips and secrets on the sales letter, secrets other people use as their best content to fill their ebooks.

Then I go on to shatter the biggest myth in the niche which is that reading books on pick up will make you better with women. Other people wouldn't dare do this because they're the one selling books.

And the fact of the matter is that almost everything I said was true and verifiable so I don't know where I lost my credibility but maybe I worded things wrong.

Also yeah I keep getting that I have spelling errors and that I need to tighten things up. I know I do because this is my first draft.

I just wanted to get some feedback before editing it. Joe Sugarman actually said himself that his first drafts were garbage, but that during the editing process he crafted his masterpieces.

But thanks for your honest criticism. I appreciate it.

First, you asked for criticism. This isn't personal.

There was a time when I did comprehensive reviews for free, many here did. But I don't do that anymore because most people aren't really looking for criticism, they're looking for praise.

I said it was awful because I'm looking at it from the perspective of both a writer as well as a potential client. I'm not a potential client by the way but I am a guy and relate to "the hunt."

When you make a blatant apples/oranges comparison you lose me first, as a writer. I've got to think one of two things:

1. You're about deception. What I mean is that lots of people get away with comparing two completely different things while drawing irrational conclusions from them. They do it deliberately because it will work on naive people. I don't think that was your intention but I do realize for many copywriters it is. Either way, it's a red flag.

2. You don't know what you're talking about. To me, identifying first a "biological" problem and offering a subconscious solution says you're an amateur, you've got absolutely nothing I'm interested in.

[What's ironic is that virtually all physical problems have mental or subconscious origins but you haven't even come close to addressing that as it doesn't really relate much to this market or this letter. Persuasion skills are almost exclusively psychological.]

Put those two items together with the worn out bullets up front and I have no more interest in this letter because, if the intro is awful the rest is certain to be the same. I've now read enough to confidently say "it's awful" with confidence.

To you credit, your writing isn't bad. What I mean is, if you ever figure out how to properly push the emotional buttons of this market in a compelling fashion you might be able to make some sales. But as this thing stands presently, it's pretty useless. If you don't believe me put it up as it is and see. And trying to fix it will be a waste of time. You don't have to believe me but it's true.

If I were you I'd scrap it completely and just make a study of successful pickup copy. Do that until you begin to intuitively notice places where you would be able to improve good letters. Then come back and try again. Good luck.

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7443669].message }}

stevealtman

11 years ago

Originally Posted by travlinguy

First, you asked for criticism. This isn't personal.

There was a time when I did comprehensive reviews for free, many here did. But I don't do that anymore because most people aren't really looking for criticism, they're looking for praise.

I said it was awful because I'm looking at it from the perspective of both a writer as well as a potential client. I'm not a potential client by the way but I am a guy and relate to "the hunt."

When you make a blatant apples/oranges comparison you lose me first, as a writer. I've got to think one of two things:

1. You're about deception. What I mean is that lots of people get away with comparing two completely different things while drawing irrational conclusions from them. They do it deliberately because it will work on naive people. I don't think that was your intention but I do realize for many copywriters it is. Either way, it's a red flag.

2. You don't know what you're talking about. To me, identifying first a "biological" problem and offering a subconscious solution says you're an amateur, you've got absolutely nothing I'm interested in.

[What's ironic is that virtually all physical problems have mental or subconscious origins but you haven't even come close to addressing that as it doesn't really relate much to this market or this letter. Persuasion skills are almost exclusively psychological.]

Put those to items together with the worn out bullets up front and I have no more interest in this letter because, if the intro is awful the rest is certain to be the same. I've now read enough to confidently say "it's awful" with confidence.

To you credit, your writing isn't bad. What I mean is, if you ever figure out how to properly push the emotional buttons of this market in a compelling fashion you might be able to make some sales. But as this thing stands presently, it's pretty useless. If you don't believe me put it up as it is and see. And trying to fix it will be a waste of time. You don't have to believe me but it's true.

If I were you I'd scrap it completely and just make a study of successful pickup copy. Do that until you begin to intuitively notice places where you would be able to improve good letters. Then come back and try again. Good luck.

Well, hell. That was great feedback.

I've already changed it to "psychological imbalance" instead of "biological imbalance".. Yeah I didn't mean to be deceptive, it was just an ignorant mistake on my part. I worked hard to make sure everything in the letter was true and verifiable, as far from deceptive as possible.

As for the intro leading up to the biological imbalance thing that turned you off, the bullets basically all served to harmonize with the prospect by relating to the top most pressing fears/problems/benefits in the niche. I've gathered this by studying 10 of the top performing sales letters in the niche.

Maybe it turned you off because you aren't interested in the niche?

But people with those problems and fears will probably be glued to the letter.

All the best

Steve

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7443764].message }}

nawshale

11 years ago

Hi, checked your work and it seemed interesting at first but as I read and go through every paragraph, it made me stop reading because it's too wordy. just try to paraphrase and go straight to the point.

I mean, im not making you shorten everything but there are some sentences that are too long which you can paraphrase and make it sound better.

The topic however seems interesting. Heading is just too long.

[ 1 ] Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7442160].message }}

max5ty

11 years ago

Maybe it's just me...

I always chuckle when someone is selling an ebook and they say copies are limited.

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7443247].message }}

stevealtman 11 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

Maybe it's just me...

I always chuckle when someone is selling an ebook and they say copies are limited.

Don't forget "This offer will end tonight 12am!! Get it now or it'll be gone forever!!"

...and then email the same offer with the same scarcity push to their list again the next day
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7443770].message }}
sethczerepak 11 years ago

Originally Posted by max5ty

Maybe it's just me...

I always chuckle when someone is selling an ebook and they say copies are limited.

I agree, you really need to get more creative on your scarcity. Check out how McDonald's does it, they ALWAYS have a limited time offer going. It changes every month, but it's a legit limited time offer.

Add a bonus and have it expire at the end of the month, then do a discount the next month, but do something that'll be believable AND, most important, create the impression that they're getting something special for saying yes right away.

You also might want to consider some other types of media, podcasts, videos, a goals tracker (easy to make in excel). The more media you add, the higher perceived value. Ebooks alone aren't that hot these days.
- Thanks
Signature

See My Copywriting Portfolio and Testimonials
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7449746].message }}

Shazadi

11 years ago

Have you seen this sales page? (NSFW AT ALL): Secrets of Erotic Hypnosis

I would take some pointers from whoever wrote that. Things to use:

- Intriguing/unique story that takes away the "sham" element of most hypnosis products; most people will be reluctant to believe you. You address this, but it's going to take more proof than "People are saying it works!" or "I did it myself!" to build trust.

- Expertise; talk more about the dude that sold your original product. I don't even know who he is or why I should be interested in his stuff. For all I know it's not being sold anymore because it's crap.

- Proof elements; again, scientific and not, "Some random person said so." Do not make assumptions about women or your audience. Currently you do both. If you're going to make statements like that, back it up somehow by using expertise people will buy into.

- Focus on the product and not random information. I know you mentioned you feel like you're giving people "free helpful advice" but this is a sales letter, not a blog post. All it's doing is distracting from what you're selling. It doesn't make visitors salivate for what you're offering or get them into the mindset to buy something.

- Awesome, descriptive bullets.

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7444361].message }}

stevealtman

11 years ago

Originally Posted by LauraKryza

Have you seen this sales page? (NSFW AT ALL): Secrets of Erotic Hypnosis

I would take some pointers from whoever wrote that. Things to use:

- Intriguing/unique story that takes away the "sham" element of most hypnosis products; most people will be reluctant to believe you. You address this, but it's going to take more proof than "People are saying it works!" or "I did it myself!" to build trust.

- Expertise; talk more about the dude that sold your original product. I don't even know who he is or why I should be interested in his stuff. For all I know it's not being sold anymore because it's crap.

- Proof elements; again, scientific and not, "Some random person said so." Do not make assumptions about women or your audience. Currently you do both. If you're going to make statements like that, back it up somehow by using expertise people will buy into.

- Focus on the product and not random information. I know you mentioned you feel like you're giving people "free helpful advice" but this is a sales letter, not a blog post. All it's doing is distracting from what you're selling. It doesn't make visitors salivate for what you're offering or get them into the mindset to buy something.

- Awesome, descriptive bullets.

Damn, thanks.

Everything you said makes a lot of sense actually. I'm going into research on what other hypnosis sales letters look like. The erotic hypnosis one is great for what it's trying to sell, but the product I'm selling isn't for hypnotizing other people, it's for hypnotizing yourself.. so I gotta find a way to take the BS element out of that.

Really appreciate the feedback

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7444783].message }}

Critics wanted: What's your opinion on this letter?

Trending Topics

How did you turn it all around?

Any thoughts on golf's latest phenom...Scottie Scheffler??

What's the Best IM-Related Skill to Learn Today That Can Help in the Future?

Some interesting stats about brand comms

best high quality crypto traffic.