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How Would You Improve This Copy ( Affluent Market)...

by James Basher
13 replies
hi there guys.i got a client who is in the building industry.basically he designs and builds landed homes.most of his clients are

1) they have a landed home and they want to extend one more level (2 storey to 3 storey or extend the back of the home or front ) - cost of such works is from $300,000 to $450,000 and his end profits is at least six figures from such work that takes 4-5 months

2) or they have an old landed home that they want to demolish and construct an entirely new home over - cost of such works is $700,000- $1 Mill and his profits are obviously much more

currently i am doing his adwords campaign and bringing him leads which he is very happy with but i feel the conversions can go alot better if we work on his landing page copy which is currently at Builders Singapore

i have done copy for dating and fitness etc but i have no experience in this niche.
i need help in working the landing page where all traffic is coming from adwords so that more people are enticed to give out their info (number and email)

Any advice would be much appreciated..Thanks fellas
#affluent #copy #improve #market
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Hi,
    First of all it's not going to take one page to get your conversions up.

    What you'll find is that what you think is the right keywords and landing page to match it,
    aren't.

    Look for buyer keywords, those which ask for costings of related things.

    Then have a landing page for each of those buyer keywords.
    Keep each landing page keyword matched and short.

    It would be a smart move to get the inside story on how it all
    comes together by learning from the 35 million $ man.
    That's how much revenue over Adwords costs this guy has brought in for his clients.

    http://ppclocaldomination.com/

    Best,
    Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    The "Contact Us" link is broken... not good.

    There are many things on the landing page that could, no NEED to be improved. In fact, it needs a serious makeover.

    Here's one very important one:

    Put the name, address, and phone number on the page! Some people don't like filling in contact forms. They'd rather call. Plus it helps with credibility.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author James Basher
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      The "Contact Us" link is broken... not good.

      There are many things on the landing page that could, no NEED to be improved. In fact, it needs a serious makeover.

      Here's one very important one:

      Put the name, address, and phone number on the page! Some people don't like filling in contact forms. They'd rather call. Plus it helps with credibility.

      Alex
      hi alex.appreciate the response.we removed the phone number from the page temporarily just so that we could track the keyword conversions for adwords alot easier.having the phone number in the top right hand corner in the yellow box did give us higher conversions and we will put it back up soon.
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        Originally Posted by rathnavelpandian View Post

        hi alex.appreciate the response.we removed the phone number from the page temporarily just so that we could track the keyword conversions for adwords alot easier.having the phone number in the top right hand corner in the yellow box did give us higher conversions and we will put it back up soon.
        I'd find some other way to track conversions... like asking a caller, "Where did you hear about us?" or some similar question.

        You could be losing a sale or two worth hundreds of thousands of dollars!

        Alex
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        • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
          These are questions that need to be highlighted to draw in the attention of your traffic:

          Looking for an experienced builder or stylish architect to take charge of Remodeling your new home? In need of a responsible team of builders and contractors for major remodeling works such as Addition and Alteration, New Erection or even a complete Reconstruction of your Residential ,Industrial or Commercial property?

          Or do you have something special in mind for your new home, like a Feng Shui Based Design, a Green House Concept, a Tropical Balinese Style or even a Wheelchair Friendly Focus for elders in the family?

          Whatever your needs maybe, our team of architects and builders will aid you from start to finish in turning that dream of yours into reality, right before your very eyes.
          The language and focus needs some work, but right away you're attracting the interest of your prospects, and letting them know what your business does.

          Leading off your page with a series of benefits that really aren't at the forefront of your prospect's mind is going to stop them dead in their tracks.

          And they have to read through this poorly formatted run-on sentence before they even get to the most valuable thing you have to immediately offer (the free report):

          Contact us at 83453977 with any questions you have regarding your design and building needs or by using the Form on the right and receive our limited edition Report worth $50 Absolutely Free! Hurry ! While Stocks Last!
          You have tiny little pictures of nice homes in the header, but the presentation could really be improved for the luxury market you're targeting.

          And the list you are building from the "Free Report" is going to be the most valuable asset you'll get from your traffic...NOT YOUR SALES...You are building a highly qualified list of hot prospects from that report to drop into your sales funnel. No one is going to decide to build a house from your website. But the report will get them into your sales machine...

          But as I mentioned, your offer is poorly worded, lost in a lot big rambling sentence, and then squeezed into a little bitty box that doesn't even say FREE right by your opt in box. It's not a "Special report..." It's a FREE report, dammit!

          You're barely touching the tip of the iceberg in this market with $200k...Unless it's already generated that much in the space of a few days or something...How long have you been testing this page?
          Signature
          Is Your Copy Jumpin', Jack?
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          • Profile picture of the author James Basher
            i really appreciate you taking the time to give constructive feedback that i can actually use jeremy.thanks for that.


            1) so you are saying it would be better to lead in with the questions highlighted
            in a better format rather than the general benefit points up there now yes?

            how can i best put a summarized version of the offer and call to action "above the fold" taking into account both future buyers of this service (with a free offer) and
            the "now" buyers who just want to know about the service provider's usp and quality and contact them?

            2) When you mean presentation wise , you mean the design yes? how else would you go about doing it?

            3) currently the leads that call are ones who already have the work needed to be done in mind and want to get more info on costing etc and the service provider has
            his sales consultant to arrange the meetups.

            the sales process is a long one due to the costs involved and requires multiple meetups ,sketches etc etc.i just launched their campaign for them 2 months ago
            so far they had gotten about 5 on site appointments with two signed contracted
            projects which brings them around $200k in profits total once work is done.

            i got you on the FREE part will add that a.s.a.p. thanks for your valuable input once again

            Originally Posted by Jeremey View Post

            These are questions that need to be highlighted to draw in the attention of your traffic:



            The language and focus needs some work, but right away you're attracting the interest of your prospects, and letting them know what your business does.

            Leading off your page with a series of benefits that really aren't at the forefront of your prospect's mind is going to stop them dead in their tracks.

            And they have to read through this poorly formatted run-on sentence before they even get to the most valuable thing you have to immediately offer (the free report):



            You have tiny little pictures of nice homes in the header, but the presentation could really be improved for the luxury market you're targeting.

            And the list you are building from the "Free Report" is going to be the most valuable asset you'll get from your traffic...NOT YOUR SALES...You are building a highly qualified list of hot prospects from that report to drop into your sales funnel. No one is going to decide to build a house from your website. But the report will get them into your sales machine...

            But as I mentioned, your offer is poorly worded, lost in a lot big rambling sentence, and then squeezed into a little bitty box that doesn't even say FREE right by your opt in box. It's not a "Special report..." It's a FREE report, dammit!

            You're barely touching the tip of the iceberg in this market with $200k...Unless it's already generated that much in the space of a few days or something...How long have you been testing this page?
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    The "clincher" could be the free report, but the title - which is good - is difficult to read.

    It may help if you enlarge it.

    And maybe expand it by saying "And How We Guarantee To Avoid Them Ever Happening To You"


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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    • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
      Your client probably has a good offer, but while trying to find it my head hurt.

      Where is the eye to go?

      The yellow contact box competes with the headline and when I try to move past that the asterisks in the opt-in form slows me down.

      And if I was so inclined to go to my browser settings and increase the page size to 150% so I could see what the $50 is all about, I would, but didn't and neither will readers.

      When you emphasize everything, you emphasize nothing.

      Imagine your builder client was talking to a prospective client face to face, and he started twitching while talking, standing on one leg, chewing gum and had his hair dyed like that bozo that hosts Diners', Drive-ins and Dives...

      ...do you think the prospective client would listen for more than a minute?

      Go and read this post from today about conversational copy. Because unless you can have advertising that is like a conversation, you are talking to yourself or the client.

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...pywriting.html
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      • Profile picture of the author James Basher
        i get what you mean.trying to put everything above the fold in a pay per click campaign is difficult at times.

        despite the obvious weaknesses of the page , it has already generated over $200,000 in profits for the client.i am just trying to improve the conversions
        for such a page.

        Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord View Post

        Your client probably has a good offer, but while trying to find it my head hurt.

        Where is the eye to go?

        The yellow contact box competes with the headline and when I try to move past that the asterisks in the opt-in form slows me down.

        And if I was so inclined to go to my browser settings and increase the page size to 150% so I could see what the $50 is all about, I would, but didn't and neither will readers.

        When you emphasize everything, you emphasize nothing.

        Imagine your builder client was talking to a prospective client face to face, and he started twitching while talking, standing on one leg, chewing gum and had his hair dyed like that bozo that hosts Diners', Drive-ins and Dives...

        ...do you think the prospective client would listen for more than a minute?

        Go and read this post from today about conversational copy. Because unless you can have advertising that is like a conversation, you are talking to yourself or the client.

        http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...pywriting.html
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    • Profile picture of the author James Basher
      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      The "clincher" could be the free report, but the title - which is good - is difficult to read.

      It may help if you enlarge it.

      And maybe expand it by saying "And How We Guarantee To Avoid Them Ever Happening To You"


      Steve
      hi steve appreciate the comment.have made the words in the free report stand out more i am limited in some ways because of the rules implemented by google on adwords landing pages (the frown upon really long salescopy as well as made links on landing page compulsory) so i am making do with what i can.thanks again.
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Page tries to do too many things at once.

    Focus on hyping the report. Report title sucks. The
    cover graphic sucks.

    Eliminate the attempt to sell the builder at this
    stage.

    Sell the fear of hiring a bad contractor.
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    If you're marketing to the affluent you're going to need a slicker design my man. I have a few clients in similar markets here in the US and they're so used to excellence, they expect it. They expect everything to be spectacular and attractive, so you need a more professional design.

    Also, I've found that offers like your "7 Mistakes" don't go over so well for affluent customers. You should consider getting a physical address and mailing them something that sells the luxury lifestyle, like your own version of the "Rob Report."

    Finally, you need to have someone available for them to talk to, and that needs to be made clear on the site. People don't spend this kind of money without talking to a human being so that needs to be a part of your sales process from the start.

    The copy isn't that bad actually, the other changes are more important right now.
    Best of luck.
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author James Basher
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

      If you're marketing to the affluent you're going to need a slicker design my man. I have a few clients in similar markets here in the US and they're so used to excellence, they expect it. They expect everything to be spectacular and attractive, so you need a more professional design.

      Also, I've found that offers like your "7 Mistakes" don't go over so well for affluent customers. You should consider getting a physical address and mailing them something that sells the luxury lifestyle, like your own version of the "Rob Report."

      Finally, you need to have someone available for them to talk to, and that needs to be made clear on the site. People don't spend this kind of money without talking to a human being so that needs to be a part of your sales process from the start.

      The copy isn't that bad actually, the other changes are more important right now.
      Best of luck.

      appreciate the response seth.i do get you and jeremy about the design aspect.i have just been so used to the less affluent niches that i dont have an eye on what to focus on design wise for the affluent niche while still keeping the direct response elements and above the fold elements active.

      are there any sites you would be able to recommend design wise to "swipe" from?

      2) Outside of the negative or fear styled 7 mistakes type reports how could i model
      a report positively for the affluent market looking to do big scale renovations for their landed homes?

      Maybe a 7 Must Have Luxuries For Your Home -2013 Edition etc etc?

      3) Regarding needing someone to talk to , yes most inquiries ask for someone and we set up on site meetups with the home owner and the sales process starts.
      Maybe i should make it more clear on the site like Call XXXXXXX To Speak
      to one of our consultants?

      thanks for all the help thus far
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