Please critique my squeeze page

by Mark Y

Posted: 11 years ago 19 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi Everyone,

Well after a lot of researching, tweaking, altering and following advice from people more knowledgeable than me on the subject I've finally got a squeeze page up and fully operational.

I'd really appreciate any feedback so if you have a moment to take a look (link below) and post back here with anything you think needs work I'd be very grateful!

By the way, I also spent ages trying to get the blue from the banner to blend down the page into the red sections while keeping the overall look of the page very easy on the eye, and I'm pretty happy with the result - agree or disagree?

It's also a niche I'm very familiar with as I do work remotely from my bricks-and-mortar office quite regularly, so I'm not talking hot air.

Any and all constructive feedback welcome, not only for the squeeze page but also for the auto-responder process I've set up as well if you'd like to go that far (it's all live).

Thank you,
Mark

#critique #page #squeeze

Will Edwards 11 years ago

Perfect!

Seriously, a brilliant page - well done.

Will
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Confined To Life 11 years ago

Too much reading for my liking.
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Sophia Soul 11 years ago

Yes, I think so to, really great work
Sophia
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Micah Medina 11 years ago

Too many arrows. I spent fifteen seconds looking at arrows and less time absorbing the copy. Also, it's very broad and promises a lot of different things that aren't tightly interrelated.

And I don't think he optional vs. required text is needed.

And is it a community or a report or a newsletter?

Test this against a simpler version of your copy.
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- ScottieDog 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Micah Medina
  
  Test this against a simpler version of your copy.
  
  Agree with this.
  
  Its a nice looking page but perhaps TMI. Only a split test will say for sure.
  
  Thanks
  
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Shining JS 11 years ago

It's good that the name is optional in order to get the ebook .You take care of those who don't like to type in their name but still want to join in.

One suggestion is change the color of "Discover real-world........anywhere!" to red or dark red, since you use too many black color in the page.
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daddykool 11 years ago

Hey Mark

There is way too much for a squeeze page, if you want to increase your % on this type of lander, you must make it much, much simpler and easier to read.

The actual content and the way you have presented it, is great, but save the longer bullet points for the next page... AFTER they put their email in for your list sign up!

Consider:
Change the 3/4 sentence points to 1 at the max
The header graphic needs to be saved out|redesigned so the res is higher.
Using OP as your squeeze page generator is a pain, as it [sometimes] loads all the actual theme graphics in the template folder for the page you have made, on the page at the same time... EG: your page has 77 graphics that "could" be used or called by the page, this will slow the page on loading.
Less, way less arrows/pointers/indicators

Good:
Colors used
Fact that you DO NOT need to enter your name [our best landers|squeeze pages have one box... email!]
Actual way you have presented your niche

Hope that assists Mark, feel free to PM if you need any help
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WillR 11 years ago

I think these posts are meant for the copywriting forum?
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footpod 11 years ago

Too many arrows - Headline uses up too much space and therefore bullet points are pushed down the page. I am not a fan of center justified copy also - in the first para
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joefizz 11 years ago

Hey Mark

Pretty cool...

For me a couple of changes under the sign up form element:

1. Make the call to action bigger or in bold
2. Change the colour of the 'Get Access Now' button to green (as in green to go).

Good luck...

Llwyddiant!

Joe
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Net66 11 years ago

I'd say its a little cluttered and not too easy on the eye.

Andy
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shaunfm 11 years ago

Hi Mark
Dont like the header or image,looks quite dated and COLD!
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- Mark Y 11 years ago
  
  Thank you everyone for all the feedback! (And apologies if this thread was actually put in the incorrect forum.)
  
  I've taken a lot of the advice on board and made some changes so we'll see how it all goes (although the header graphic will take me a day or so).
  
  Cheers all,
  Mark
  
  p.s... there's no more arrows!
  
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TheSalesBooster 11 years ago

Don't know what everyone else is smoking, but this is a terrible squeeze page.

What the heck are you offering here?

"Discover real-world strategies to escape the 9-5 and enjoy working from any location you choose"

Weak headline. What kind of strategies are you talking about? Why would working from any location I choose be important to someone who is starting out? That's just a pipe dream. Give your reader a real benefit.

next..

"After years of trial and error experimentation I have successfully defined and used a number of key, super-effective concepts in order to escape the office environment and massively accelerate my ability to work fast!”"

Work fast? Work fast doing what? What the heck are you offering? This sub headline doesn't connect at all with what was said in your headline. What does working anywhere I want have to do with working fast?

Maybe I'm missing something, because I have no idea what the heck you are offering that is of any value. It seems like your trying to promote a make money online product with the premise of working anywhere you want? If that's what your trying to do, it's not going to work. It's a very weak squeeze page.
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- Daniel Elss 11 years ago
  
  I couldn't really make head or tail out of what you are offering either. After reading it a couple times I THINK I understand (maybe I'm a little slow ) but i don't think your conversions will be very good if others have to read through all of that and sit and think about it. I would try an make it more simple and clear is to what you are offering. Like another poster mentioned, create another, more simple version, and split test, but definitely make it more clear as to what you are offering.
  
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  Mark Y 11 years ago
  
  That's more like it! I love it when people tell it like it is.
  
  Well I'm not going to scrap it all entirely (I'll keep the white background...:rolleyes but I hear what you're saying and I'll give it a rethink overall and narrow down my offer/niche a lot for starters.
  
  Thanks guys, I appreciate the input. I'm gonna get this right damnit!
  
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  The Herm 11 years ago
  
  Coming from someone who actually was your target market about a year and a half ago, I have to say that the copy on this page does not inspire any emotion in me whatsoever.
  
  It doesn't make me dream or imagine my life outside of the craptastic corporate hamster wheel that I'm in. It doesn't light a fire under my a** to opt-in for your newsletter in the hopes that I'll receive the holy grail as to how to make this happen in my life. At this point, I don't even know what a mobile entrepreneur is, much less if I even want to be one!
  
  Your target market doesn't want to "choose their work location" - they want freedom.
  
  They don't want to "work faster" - they want to work less.
  
  They don't want "must-have hardware and software solutions" - they want answers.
  
  They want to know the secret to digging themselves out of this horrid, wretched 9-5 hole where they have to wake up at 5am every morning so they can drive an hour to work and deal with their idiot boss hovering over their shoulder all day, unappreciative customers who take their talents for granted and then they get to drive home for an hour, stuck in traffic, frazzled and too tired to make a decent meal for dinner, so they put in some overtime from home because it's business as usual, until finally resolving to go to bed just to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.
  
  You need to make it more emotional.
  
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Gengis 11 years ago

Not bad, i just think you can improve on the information.. It seams like alot of info kind of scattered which makes it a bit confusing and not appealing which will make people click away.

Try maybe removing some stuff and adding a video of you excited about what you're going to be giving them for their opt-in.
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1robert 11 years ago

“After years of trial and error experimentation I have successfully defined and used a number of key, super-effective concepts in order to escape the office environment and massively accelerate my ability to work fast!”

This isn't bad, but I can't tell if you're offering people a way to make money online or be able to work at a regular job anywhere you want?

Message needs to be more clear.
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