Please Help Critique My First Sales Copy

50 replies
Hi everyone,

I made sure to comb through the forum to be sure this sort of thing had been done before, and if it was acceptable to every member here. I was happy that forum users who asked for copywriting critiquing of their first sites, not only got excellent criticism but also very helpful advice.

Please I'd like you guys to check out my first copywriting online and rate it if possible. Thank you.

Here's the URL: Who Else Wants the 5-Step Happiness Activator?
#copy #critique #sales
  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    It's a piece of crap...all of it.

    The headline has so many long syllable words that it's a mental tongue twister.

    It didn't hold my interest. Matter of fact, it depressed me.

    The whole thing reads like something a content writer would produce.

    Wad it up and throw it in the trash...then hire a copywriter.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Your main headline is supposed to be an ad for your ad.

      Your preheader designed to help the reader slide down to your main headline, this is yours...

      If everything in life is working against you, robbing your peace and robbing your sleep, THEN begin worrying about the FUTURE 'coz you're in trouble. Read on, there's something I need to show you ...

      WHO ELSE WANTS THE 5-STEP HAPPINESS ACTIVATOR FORMULA GUARANTEED TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT THE TROUBLES THAT WON'T LET YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?


      Preheader is terrible. Far too long and doesn't make sense. You're trying to convey too much information in the preheader. No need for it. Shorten it 6-8 words max.

      The main headline...

      Not me. It's bloody awful. No way is this your single biggest benefit. No way is this going to connect with the one core emotion inside your target audience head space. Get rid of the red and no need to capitalize every word. It's looks flaming awful.

      Get rid of the term... Happiness Actuator. What a load of hogwash! Whoever heard of a happiness actuator? Terrible, terrible positioning. Appallingly awful. I despair.

      Clearly you have no idea what you're talking about here. Assuming this is your best effort knowing your product inside out as you do, your words are in actual fact in their present state screaming loud and clear off the page...

      My product is a load of bullshit!

      At this point 99.999% of your website visitors will click out so there seems to be very little point critiquing this piece any further. For until you correct this, this piece of 'sales copy' ain't going nowhere.

      Smoking hot,


      Mark Andrews


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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Is this the market you are going after?

        "When You're As Broke As Hell"

        If so, they need charity because they only have money to buy
        things for survival, not books.

        Best.
        Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author mrswagset
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

      It's a piece of crap...all of it.

      The headline has so many long syllable words that it's a mental tongue twister.

      It didn't hold my interest. Matter of fact, it depressed me.

      The whole thing reads like something a content writer would produce.

      Wad it up and throw it in the trash...then hire a copywriter.
      That wasn't nice LMAO
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  • Re write the entire piece. Sorry, but it's doing nothing and it's going nowhere.

    Before you do - read a few copywriting books to help you.

    Pick from this list -

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ooks-ever.html



    Steve


    P.S. If you can't decide which books to buy - for around $30.00 - try these...

    How To Write A Good Advertisement - Vic Schwab

    The Ultimate Sales Letter - Dan Kennedy

    Cashvertising - Drew Eric Whitman


    When you've re - done your pitch check it with this -

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    How in the world did you get a testimonial from Joe Vitale? Normally I wouldn't be baffled by this, but the sales page is really bad, so is the presentation of the offer. Bad design, irrelevant title, price is too low for this niche and you have no bonuses. But apparently you have a halfway decent product, or you bribed Mr. Fire there lol jk

    Problem is the packaging, I'd never know you had something worthy of a credible testimonial just by reading this page. My advice, take out the parts people will skip, the wordy stuff...which at this point is most of it. Leave only the parts that talk about the bottom line benefit and why they should trust you to deliver it.

    The part about being a singer and songwriter isn't relevant either, it just sounds weird. Frankly (and I'm sorry to say this but I'm sure other people would agree), the picture is a turn off. You look about 19, what do you have to teach me about inner peace and happiness?

    I'm not saying you don't have anything to share, but you'd better bring some mad proof and credible testimonials to the table now that you've unmasked yourself. The general public opinion is that most people don't start to "get it" till they're about 30 (there are exceptions of course, but that's still the assumption you're up against).

    Not to mention that a lot of younger people think they know a whole lot more than they do. Again, you might be the exception, but you'd better prove it to me or I ain't buyin' nuthin' baby.

    I'd suggest a more credible presentation, and a LOT of proof to back it up. Till you get that, even the best copywriting ain't gonna do much. But the writing needs a lot of work too. There are some good free copywriting courses on the internet and some book suggestions in the sticky posts of this forum.

    Good luck to you.
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    • Profile picture of the author SamKane
      Take Joe Vitale's testimonial and place it right at the top of the page.
      This will increase the effectiveness of your sales page immediately.

      Get rid of the long pre-head
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Guy's, Joe Vitale is going to mean squat
        to a dead broke person, as he mentions them early on.

        Exchanging a book on happiness for money
        from a person who's only money and
        thoughts are on survival, is just stupid thinking it would work in the real world.

        Ewen shakes his head in such a basic thing being missed.

        Best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author CopyCloser
          A quick note about the headline. "Who Else Wants..." headlines work by focusing the reader's awareness on a specific desire they're already aware of. A key element is social proof, you're offering the key to fulfilling a desire shared by many others, ideally using words they would use themselves.

          The original headline was "Who Else Wants To Look Like a Movie Star?" A very specific desire shared by most readers, written in words they would use.

          Nobody is browsing the internet saying to themselves "Gee, I really want the 5 step happiness activator to figure out the troubles that won't let me sleep at night," until they finally stumble upon your website.

          I see you're from Lagos, and you're most likely not writing in your first language. Your English is MUCH better than my Yoruba or Igbo, but knowing how to read, write, and speak a language is very different thank knowing how to sell in one. You might want to have a native English speaker rewrite it for you, and eliminate some of the awkward phrasing.

          If you're looking for some inspiration or a swipe file, I'd suggest this sales page for a similar offer: PowerPause, prequel to the Secret Law of Attraction -- self help formula that can attract money, create great relationships, help with weight loss or heal body, mind and spirit -- by John Harricharan

          All the best!
          Signature

          Lowell Stearn
          www.CopyCloser.com
          (Under Construction)

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  • Profile picture of the author FirstSocialApps
    Im a programmer not a writer, but the wording is kind of depressing, It also makes me think that you think Im some kind of pill popping. booze addicted, looser who cant take care of my kids.

    I wouldnt think that cutting people down, or even hinting at doing so is a good way to get them to buy your product.
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    • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
      Thanks a lot everyone!

      I have been correcting EVERYTHING you guys advised me on, and I mean everything.

      I wish I could address every single one individually here, but I'm not sure it'll be easy for me to.

      I believe the corrected version obeyed your expert suggestions. Thank you all so much.

      Awaiting new corrections IF any. Thank you!

      Here it is: Depression No MORE in 5 Easy Steps!
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  • Step by step the piece is getting a bit better.

    It's a big "magic promise" in the headline.

    Riding on the edge of believability which is ok.

    IF...

    On a pre - head you add a strong credibility factor.

    Who are you, what eminence do you have - proving why can you promise this.

    It'll help intrigue and reassure your readers making them want to read on.

    Hopefully, others will help "critique" the body copy. There's still a few major improvements needed.


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
      Thank you Steve!

      It means a lot getting a 3 star score from you. Um, the strongest credibility factor I got on my hands is the endorsement I was able to get from Dr. Joe Vitale.

      Save that, I'm a Personal Development lover with 13 years of Personal Development study who stumbled onto a fine system. That's all.

      What do you think I should do about that pre-header advice you gave me?

      Thank you ...
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  • Yes, use Joe's testimonial.

    More importantly it's YOUR book, so emphasise your 13 years of Personal Development Study - where you studied, qualifications, endorsements, success, numbers of delighted clients etc.

    And then..

    What was the fascinating fact that made you "stumble" on the system.

    How did it happen?

    Where did it happen?

    When did it happen?

    Was it accidental?

    Is it so simple and blindingly obvious?

    Was it a combination of proven facts?

    Is it a mix of science and other techniques?

    Was it something totally unexpected?

    Separate from "personal development"?

    Something you noticed that nobody else has?

    Did you see a "mistake", "oversight", or an "omission" that others didn't see?

    Did you find the "missing link"? (in a book, from a certain country, the way animals handle the problem, the way the universe, physics, nature, cosmology works etc)

    How you tested it?

    What incredible results you achieved?

    What makes it so powerful?

    Why is it so powerful?

    And why is it proven to work?


    As you can see there are almost limitless ways of explaining it.


    Steve
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  • Yes, it helps.

    But it's YOUR credibility that's much more important.

    Try and do as I suggested in the pre - head.

    And you must change your "lead" (the opening paragraph).

    Don't make people depressed.

    Instead immediately expand on your headline.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    I'm gonna have to give your second draft a big fat zero...

    Lots of copy and paste from at least 3 maybe 4 controls. I'm too lazy to research it.

    I see you've tried "hypnotic writing" with some of your phrases. Nice try, but I'm still not in the mood to buy.

    I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I think you've got a winner. You don't. It sucks.

    Here's my quick course in writing a sales letter:

    1. Pretend you're doing a movie to sell your product. What's your plot? Some call it a "hook", I call it a plot.

    2. How would you tell the story of your plot? The one you have doesn't flow smoothly. I wouldn't recommend your movie to any of my friends.

    3. Some call it a "funnel", I call it steps. I'm gonna take you up some steps to entice you to buy my product. Example: I'll give you the first chapter for free when you "claim your gift"...of course it'll be a thriller that will leave you wanting to read more.

    You wrote a book, which is great, but you're not a salesman. That's where a good copywriter comes into play.

    By not being a salesman, you haven't looked at great detail into what motivates people to end depression. Could I suggest "suicide"?

    Get bold, get real, start hitting people where it hurts...make them feel the pain.

    Most could sit down in 1 hour and put together an ebook that covers what you're doing...what makes yours different?

    You're just not twisting and digging in the pain enough to count. I don't feel from your letter that you're feeling my pain. You have to feel your reader's pain.

    I've never had depression, but...

    Here's about a 3 minute version of what I'd come up with, I guarantee you it'll get read (I can only use the fonts, etc. offered by the forum)...

    OMG!.. Lisa Is Dead...
    60 Proven Ways To End Your Depression In The Next 30 Minutes

    Even if You've Tried Every Known Course, Followed The Best Advice From Friends, Tried Pills, Shock Therapy, Been Laughed At, Made Fun Of, And Yes... Like Me...Even Attempted Suicide


    True Story:

    Never thought the wipers could move so slowly.

    Wasn't sure if it was the drizzle that seemed to last forever, or the nagging thoughts I had about the last time I talked to Lisa...

    My daughter was gone.


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    • Profile picture of the author max5ty
      Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

      Yup, that makes me want to kill myself alright.

      Oh, well. I'm off to feed the polo ponies. I gave the groom the day off.
      LOL...did you read the part where I said I did this in about 3 minutes?

      Sorry if you didn't like my creativity.

      Let's see your idea...

      What you got?
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      • Profile picture of the author max5ty
        Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

        Off the top of my head, I'd do three vignettes.
        Vignette..

        Not good enough...I did a headline and a sub headline.

        Don't want to hear "what you could have done".

        What you got there Ken?

        I want to see...
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        • Profile picture of the author max5ty
          Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

          Pop 500 in my Paypal account and I'll spend an hour on it.

          I charge for that stuff, you know.
          LOL...I always love reading your comments Ken.
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          • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
            Wow! SO much yelling on a poor newbie like me.

            Well, I might be a newbie at selling my first product online, but I'm certainly no newbie in professional writing. And the difference between professional writing and copy writing is that the latter is meant to sell with every word that prints.

            Mr Max, I love your sharp creativity. To be honest, I do. But I really wouldn't go the length you went to with all that headline and sub-headline you put up there. That's extreme! And that might be in tune with your personality type and temperament but I feel much comfortable with the soft approach I took. I believe the most important point will be IF I am able to pin point the pain of my intended (targeted) audience. This is certainly a niche product and I am aware of that.

            Copywriting, in as much as it's got standard rules and formats, is strictly a personal thing. It's just like songwriting. If 5 of us were to sit on a table to rewrite Ne-yo's "Miss Independent" song with fresh titles and POVs, they all certainly won't turn out the same. I'm only saying I think I know when to change my copy and when not to. I wouldn't expect to please EVERY lovely person in here, because at the end of the day, I'd lose my personality that makes my copy unique and personal to my readers.

            I admit I don't know it all, and I'm willing to learn and make a lot of corrections. My style is personal just like my thoughts are. It can't be the same with any other person's.

            Thanks a lot Mr. Steve, whose major focus has been on the formatting of the letter, not particularly on the style or words used. Same with Idris and Ken. Thank you for all your advice. I'll look into it.

            I really appreciate your expert view on my writing Mr. Max, but I'm not sure we share the same style to writing sales copies.

            Thanks everyone!

            I'll look at the letter again for more corrections ...
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            • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
              AND YES! I did employ engaging writing, or what you might call "hypnotic writing".

              I have been writing since I was 13. Dr. Joe Vitale at a point in my life influenced my writing style with his wonderful concept to writing and influence. What's the use of writing if you can't influence your readers with your ideas?

              I hold no apologies really for employing that, as long as no harm is intended to my beloved readers.

              Someone PLEASE tell me you don't love some reallllllllllyyy good hypnotic writing!

              :-)
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              • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
                Chike,

                Here are some things you should address in your copy...They don't pertain to your "personal style" of writing, but things that you are NOT utilizing to sell your product. Because if you could further expand on some of these following aspects of your copy, you will be much further along in selling your book.

                Explain in the copy exactly how you got the endorsement from Vitale. Explain what it was about your course that caught his attention - How a young Nigerian college student with a shaky command of written english language was able to attract the attention of such a powerful and influential authority figure and convince him to put his name behind "The Blue Feather Manual."

                Explain how in just a year's time you went from being depressed and on the verge of total failure to being a successful motivational speaker that charges $1250/seat for your seminars.

                You have obviously overcome tremendous adversity and odds in a very short time, and I think by sharing more specifics of your own success, you will add serious credibility to your product and boost your sales. These are the things people want to hear about!

                Thanks!
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              • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                Originally Posted by angeloflove View Post

                AND

                Someone PLEASE tell me you don't love some reallllllllllyyy good hypnotic writing!

                :-)
                Lets get straight to the point...


                Imagine with me for a second,
                going back to any time in the past when you felt - depressed

                ----



                Chike,

                I know you think you're good at hypnotic copywriting, but others have a point.

                1. "Let's get straight to the point..." ---> Superfluous. A waste of words. Serves no purpose.

                2. "with me" --> Also superfluous.

                3. "for a second" --> ??? Why a second? Superfluous.

                4. "going back to any time in the past when you felt depressed" --> This is your biggest hypnotic copywriting mistake.

                Think about your market.

                Anyone who is depressed is currently on your page, reading. They don't need to be regressed. Again, you're not only wasting words, you're wasting their current emotions by not acknowledging them.

                They are in real pain RIGHT NOW. And they are looking for help.

                ----

                I can clinically dissect your entire piece this way. Out of respect, I won't. But I could.


                - Rick Duris
                Signature
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                • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
                  Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

                  Lets get straight to the point...


                  Imagine with me for a second,
                  going back to any time in the past when you felt - depressed

                  ----



                  Chike,

                  I know you think you're good at hypnotic copywriting, but others have a point.

                  1. "Let's get straight to the point..." ---> Superfluous. A waste of words. Serves no purpose.

                  2. "with me" --> Also superfluous.

                  3. "for a second" --> ??? Why a second? Superfluous.

                  4. "going back to any time in the past when you felt depressed" --> This is your biggest hypnotic copywriting mistake.

                  Think about your market.

                  Anyone who is depressed is currently on your page, reading. They don't need to be regressed. Again, you're not only wasting words, you're wasting their current emotions by not acknowledging them.

                  They are in real pain RIGHT NOW. And they are looking for help.

                  ----

                  I can clinically dissect your entire piece this way. Out of respect, I won't. But I could.


                  - Rick Duris
                  Thanks a lot Rick! I've been noting everything you said. Working with it too ...
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                  • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
                    Thanks Max.

                    I understand what you mean.

                    Still working on it ... from a story angle I mean.

                    Will update when I'm done.
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    • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

      I'm gonna have to give your second draft a big fat zero...

      Lots of copy and paste from at least 3 maybe 4 controls. I'm too lazy to research it.

      I see you've tried "hypnotic writing" with some of your phrases. Nice try, but I'm still not in the mood to buy.

      I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I think you've got a winner. You don't. It sucks.

      Here's my quick course in writing a sales letter:

      1. Pretend you're doing a movie to sell your product. What's your plot? Some call it a "hook", I call it a plot.

      2. How would you tell the story of your plot? The one you have doesn't flow smoothly. I wouldn't recommend your movie to any of my friends.

      3. Some call it a "funnel", I call it steps. I'm gonna take you up some steps to entice you to buy my product. Example: I'll give you the first chapter for free when you "claim your gift"...of course it'll be a thriller that will leave you wanting to read more.

      You wrote a book, which is great, but you're not a salesman. That's where a good copywriter comes into play.

      By not being a salesman, you haven't looked at great detail into what motivates people to end depression. Could I suggest "suicide"?

      Get bold, get real, start hitting people where it hurts...make them feel the pain.

      Most could sit down in 1 hour and put together an ebook that covers what you're doing...what makes yours different?

      You're just not twisting and digging in the pain enough to count. I don't feel from your letter that you're feeling my pain. You have to feel your reader's pain.

      I've never had depression, but...

      Here's about a 3 minute version of what I'd come up with, I guarantee you it'll get read (I can only use the fonts, etc. offered by the forum)...

      OMG!.. Lisa Is Dead...
      60 Proven Ways To End Your Depression In The Next 30 Minutes

      Even if You've Tried Every Known Course, Followed The Best Advice From Friends, Tried Pills, Shock Therapy, Been Laughed At, Made Fun Of, And Yes... Like Me...Even Attempted Suicide


      True Story:

      Never thought the wipers could move so slowly...

      Wasn't sure if it was the drizzle that seemed to last forever, or the nagging thoughts I had about the last time I talked to Lisa...

      My daughter was gone.


      OK Max! I think I just got your point now. It just dawned on me and I m working on it ...
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      • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
        But wait a minute Mr. Max, if I were to adopt your pattern a little bit, wouldn't that ensue me lying about certain things. Honestly, I don't appreciate lying just to sell things. What do you think?
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        • Profile picture of the author max5ty
          Originally Posted by angeloflove View Post

          But wait a minute Mr. Max, if I were to adopt your pattern a little bit, wouldn't that ensue me lying about certain things. Honestly, I don't appreciate lying just to sell things. What do you think?
          No, you should never lie. Unless you're selling Sea Monkeys or X-Ray glasses. Just kidding.

          I'm a big believer in stories. Many copywriters are.

          A story is hypnotic writing in its purest form. A good story can slip into the sub-conscious and cause the reader to understand what you're saying. More can be said in a simple story then can usually be said with thousands of words.

          If you can write a good story, you will sell like crazy.

          Not all stories are true. Remember the WSJ piece about the 2 young men? Do you think these 2 men ever existed? Some call this the greatest sales letter ever written.

          Bruce Barton, one of the greatest ad men of all time, the second B in BBDO, wrote a book called "The Man Nobody Knew". It's still selling, and has sold millions.

          The basic premise of the book was that Jesus was one of the greatest salesmen of all time. Many would argue he knew all. If someone as smart as him used stories, they must be powerful. He told many parables...they weren't true, but they got the message across and they've captured the attention of many down through the ages.

          Stories work.

          You need to sit down and brainstorm.

          Do you have a story about yourself you could tell?

          Do you know a good story about someone else you could tell?

          Could you tell a story (parable) that people can read and understand the lesson you're teaching?

          Joe Ditzel has a good sticky at the top that has lots of links to help you tell stories.

          Different copywriters have different ideas...they have their own way of doing things. They've been successful at how they do what they do. It's their style, like you mentioned.

          I'm simply offering you my ideas...as some would say, "My 2 Cents".
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  • Max, for goodness sake - don't have the poor readers shocked senseless and killing themselves off in desperation before they've bought the book (lol).


    But Max does have a point - normally you do need to really agitate the problem.

    Unless you absolutely know that your audience is fully aware of it and JUST wants the f***** answer...

    I'm assuming you're targeting your traffic with laser precision.

    It would be depressing if you aren't.


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author max5ty
      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      Max, for goodness sake - don't have the readers killing themselves off in desperation before they've bought the book (lol).


      But Max does have a point - normally you do need to really agitate the problem.

      Unless you absolutely know that your audience is fully aware of it and JUST wants the f***** answer...

      I'm assuming you're targeting your traffic with laser precision.

      It would be depressing if you aren't.


      Steve
      It's a website.

      They obviously either did a search about depression or were taken there from clicking on an ad about it through Facebook, etc.

      No need to beat around the bush...is there?
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

        It's a website.

        They obviously either did a search about depression or were taken there from clicking on an ad about it through Facebook, etc.

        No need to beat around the bush...is there?

        After rattling the readers cage, just gotta make sure the reader gets to see
        a bright light at the end of the tunnel...and a short distance at that.
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  • I'm no expert on depression - but for many it must be seriously hellish. And they know it is.

    I would be careful about a full on suicide headline.

    It was powerful stuff though Max.

    Maybe adapt it a touch and use it in weigh loss?


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author max5ty
      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      I'm no expert on depression - but for many it must be seriously hellish.

      I would be careful about a full on suicide headline.

      It was powerful stuff Max.


      Steve
      I've never had depression either.

      I'm gonna put myself into my customers world though...

      I'm not going to let anyone off the hook. I'm going to force you to read what I wrote...then I'm going to force you to take action.

      Must be working...
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    • Profile picture of the author IdrisSG
      Comments:
      • Design needs to be more professional... If you find it difficult to piece together good design, my advice would be to strip everything down, forget the fancy header and shadow outline. Download some free landing page templates and pump your salesletter into it.
      • Looks like an internet marketing salesletter... You're using loads of IM lookalike stuff in your salesletter (reminds me of a certain Asian affiliate marketers' salesletter). Why not adapt a similar industry's top selling sales piece for your product to sell your wares?
      • You seem to have a thing for Aladdin... Just saying.
      • Rename the product... Somehow "The Blue Feather Manual" just doesn't have the necessary ring to it.
      • Perceived inconsistencies... "You could easily pay $1250 for the advice you're going to get inside The Blue Feather Manual. Don't laugh. I charge that much for my seminars, which pretty much always sells well." - - I don't see where you've mentioned that you hold seminars for $1,250 a pop / "Then the voice suggested I find a certain book and read. The name of that book was The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. I hurried into my clothes and dashed straight to my friend's place to get the book."....I find this portion hard to believe, if true, I think you should start wearing clothes at home.
      • There are more problems with this letter, however, my best suggestion would be...
      (1) Hire a copywriter.



      OR


      (2) Build a simple squeeze page and send your traffic there. Follow up with emails which go to two or three offers in your market place. Once you find the winning offer, mimick it.
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  • ...if they survive long enough to finish the pitch.

    Max, they KNOW they're suffering. It's maybe just too serious a subject with the possibility of some people being way to close to the edge to mention suicide.

    Also this is the OP's first ever sales piece, to make your headline move quickly into the solution really would take an expert to write it.


    Steve


    P.S. Very few, if any A - listers ever had the courage to swipe Jim Rutz's incredible headline -

    "Read This Or Die"

    And it was only selling health foods and nutrition.

    And the body copy was brimming with great humor.
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    • Profile picture of the author max5ty
      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      ...if they survive long enough to finish the pitch.

      Max, they KNOW they're suffering. It's maybe just too serious a subject with some people being too close to the edge to mention suicide.

      Also this is the OP's first ever sales piece, to make your headline move quickly into the solution really would take an expert to write it.


      Steve
      Steve, trust me, I'd move them into a finish.

      I'll mention suicide because that's where depression ends. I'm not going to dance around the issue.
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      • Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

        Steve, trust me, I'd move them into a finish.

        I'll mention suicide because that's where depression ends. I'm not going to dance around the issue.

        Yes you probably can.

        But the OP hasn't got the experience.


        Steve
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        • Profile picture of the author max5ty
          Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

          Yes you probably can.

          But the OP hasn't got the experience.


          Steve
          You know Steve, I really could care less whether this guy does good with his ebook or not. I want to know your secrets for flyer and postcard marketing.
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    • Profile picture of the author IdrisSG
      Agreed.

      These people are probably depressed while reading the salesletter. It might not take much to push them over the edge and swallow a handful of mothballs.

      I'd dive straight into a solution, probably one about physiology, something they can read and do immediately to feel better.

      Simple two step solution gets rid of depression...

      Step 1... Anthony Robbins stuff: Sit up straight, hold your head up high, take in a deep breath thru your nose and paste the biggest shit eating grin on your face. Hold it for 10 seconds.

      The reason why Step 1 works...

      Step 2 is stonger, long lasting and instantly zaps depression out of your body. Step 2 is in my book The Blue Feather Manual.

      The reason behind the effectiveness of Step 2...

      Testimonials...

      Why order right now...

      Guarantee...

      Add To Cart Button...





      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      ...if they survive long enough to finish the pitch.

      Max, they KNOW they're suffering. It's maybe just too serious a subject with the possibility of some people being way to close to the edge to mention suicide.

      Also this is the OP's first ever sales piece, to make your headline move quickly into the solution really would take an expert to write it.


      Steve


      P.S. Very few, if any A - listers ever had the courage to swipe Jim Rutz's incredible headline -

      "Read This Or Die"

      And it was only selling health foods and nutrition.

      And the body copy was brimming with great humor.
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  • ...Max I would tell you - but then I would have to...

    Only joking I'll Pm the "secret formula"


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author aceshigh888
    Originally Posted by angeloflove View Post

    Hi everyone,

    I made sure to comb through the forum to be sure this sort of thing had been done before, and if it was acceptable to every member here. I was happy that forum users who asked for copywriting critiquing of their first sites, not only got excellent criticism but also very helpful advice.

    Please I'd like you guys to check out my first copywriting online and rate it if possible. Thank you.

    Here's the URL: Who Else Wants the 5-Step Happiness Activator?
    Okay I'll try it since I'm working on renewing my copywriting skills. I use to be very good at one time, but this was like 10 years ago. Since then I've fallen off the wagon.

    Okay:

    world could have the power to merit your attention again..

    the word: Merit disturbs me.

    But there you are, totally out of control without any certainty if everything would turn away from you at anytime or if they would all come back to you in good favour.
    that's a long weird sentence

    Some big block paragraphs that are like 6-9 lines long. I'd reduce it to 3 lines of text max then a space.

    full bolding a sentense tends to dismiss the bold. It's better to just do a word or two.

    NOW I've stripped out all the hard stuff, and reduced these techniques to a simple 5-step formula that just about anyone can follow WITHOUT SPENDING A FORTUNE!

    that's a weird font


    "READ IT!"
    :This is an OUTSTANDING system on breaking through depression and finding happiness, peace and productivity through the dark clouds. It'll help you find the sunshine again. READ IT!!!"

    Dr. Joe Vitale
    The World's First Hypnotic Writer, Star Actor in THE SECRET and Best-Selling Author, The Attractor Factor, Attract Money Now, Life's Missing Instruction Manual, Hypnotic Writing and Too Many Books to Mention.

    that HTML is wrong. Crowding to close to the pic. use a table in there and add cell padding or spacing to keep the block of txt from the pic

    ou don't have to call anyone to help out, or get involved with a therapy group, or go popping in pills especially when you HATE drugs. All you have to do is follow the 5-step, easy-to-use depression-erasion formula and you'll start seeing results so fast it'll start your head spinning like Alice in wonderland. hilighting a whole sentense is like bolding a whole sentense. It doens't make it stand out as much as just a few words

    change your name handwriting font to something boring but professional looking

    the very top "the blue F M" in yellow, again weird font. Avoid those weird fonts.


    In the course of my research, I met volunteers who willingly disclosed their current experience with methods they employed to handle their depression. They all discouraged the use of drugs, prefering mental methods of treatment instead. THEIR REASONS and all the evidence can be found in the manual. - that font bothers me I can hide this right inside the headline!


    I combed through the internet without luck ..... maybe say.... any luck

    Ya I was once depressed myself. I used affirmations to completely get rid of it. I'm not sure what you have in your course, but it looks interesting. good luck!
    Signature
    EXERCISE: Take a deep breath, hold for 10 seconds, release. ..... There see you feel better now???
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  • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
    Honestly guys, it feels nice hanging out with you guys here.

    It feels like I'm starting to belong to a family.

    Thanks a lot everyone for making me feel at home.

    Love you guys!
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    • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
      And of course, a MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!
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      • Profile picture of the author PaulP51D
        I am just starting out with copywriting; reading up and such. So far I have written diddly squat, but I am beginning to lay the foundations.

        What I take away from this thread is that this will be a great place to have my work critiqued. Absolutely mercilessly by the look of it.

        I am not saying that this is a bad thing; it's just an observation. As a matter of fact, when the time comes I suspect that it will be rather bracing.

        One thing that can be said for the contributors on this thread is that people are definitely putting some thought into their responses.

        Nice work chaps.

        Paul
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        • Profile picture of the author angeloflove
          Originally Posted by PaulP51D View Post

          I am just starting out with copywriting; reading up and such. So far I have written diddly squat, but I am beginning to lay the foundations.

          What I take away from this thread is that this will be a great place to have my work critiqued. Absolutely mercilessly by the look of it.

          I am not saying that this is a bad thing; it's just an observation. As a matter of fact, when the times comes I suspect that it will be rather bracing.

          One thing that can be said for the contributors on this thread is that people are definitely putting some thought into their responses.

          Nice work chaps.

          Paul
          I honestly don't know how they do it Paul, but these guys are the best. We just gotta learn what we can...
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