can you help me "de-muddyfy" this copy?

You may not have much luck stopping readers by restating something everyone knows... Google is screwing website owners.

Your better hook may be more solution oriented, as that is what website owners desire.

Because there is no compelling hook to your piece, I didn't go further. But I suspect if I did that there would be a hook in one of your subheads that could become your stopper headline.

Your instincts already told you that this piece was 'muddy'. Now let your instincts pull you and your readers out of the goo.

Good luck!

Yes, it does state what site owners already know.

And highlights problem after problem.

I know you're using the Problem, Agitate, Solution formula.

But I too would concentrate much more on the "solution."

Also build up your own credibility - people will be thinking "who are you?" and "why should we listen to you?"

Always tell them.


Steve

Veit, you're trying too hard to be "creative" with all the dinosaur talk upfront.

Add personality and spark, but not to where it takes away from "instant communication."

--- Ross

Veit, it looks like you're targeting experienced SEO practitioners. If so, no problem. If you're targeting the average webmaster I think a lot of that will go right over their head. I made that mistake myself in the past.

I will say, as someone with a lot of SEO experience, it did appeal to me once I got into the meat of the pitch.

I would move the demo video right below the headline.

It looks like you have a good product, so I would just dive right in and show people how it works. This will get people hooked right away.

I would also create a headline that clearly describes its a plugin for WordPress. This will grab a lot of bloggers attention and get them to watch the video.

Other than that the copy ain't to bad. It does cover a lot of old information, but when people watch the video and see what it does, they will probably skip down the page and just buy the product.

Sehr gut Herr Doctor. Setzen.
[Very good doctor. Sit down].

This is not a sales copy, it is a research paper. Actually very good for a research paper but for a sales letter: way too complicated.

Try to get all that across is easy words, 300 to 400 words max.

Right now a hard core SEO guy might feel at home and buy it but I suspect the conversion rate if you list this as a WSO would be awful.

The reader has to understand immediately what you have and what it will do for them. They do not want a lecture in SEO.

You can give them all the information that you want inside the product but the sales letter has to be for your target audience and I doubt that they understand all the learned words that you use.

The education level in the US is way lower than in Germany.

Write the sales letter in a way that a ten year old would immediately understand it and you have a winner.

Hey guys,

thanks again for all the input, here's the de-muddified version:

http://www.onlinerule.com/wp-content...ambajuice3.jpg

- it's shorter (didn't manage to get it down to 300-400 words though;-),
- I've done a very quick credibility thing in the first sentence (several WSO of the day)
- the Flesch-Kincaid readability level is at around 13 years, (some sections a little higher, so I'll work on readability there)
- more focus on pb-solution, pb-solution,
- the dinosaurs have gone,
- the video will go right under the first 'problem' statement when it goes live,
- all that's left is how to massage in OutOfThisWord's suggestions into the headline;-)

Cheers & thanks again

have a fabulous weekend

Veit

Much better.

But it is still too much "look at me".

Your picture and your title do nothing for the reader.

Don't get me wrong, you look good but you already have a profile picture. The picture again in the sales letter is too much.

And then the Dr. does not help you much here. I went to University too, only have a Dipl.-Ing. in Mechanical Engineering from one of the most prestigious Universities (RWTH Aachen) but you are on the Warrior forum and most of the people could not care less.

Understatement works much better. If your customers find out later, after they bought your product, the Dr. has a huge impact. If you have to state it right up front you do not do yourself a favor.

If you use it in the sales copy you put yourself in the same boat as con artists. There are a couple guys here on the forum that use Dr. in their handle and they are simply con-artists.

Do not get me wrong, a Dr. title is a huge accomplishment. It's a lot of work and shows that you can push things through to completion. When I went to University the doctors that I worked with were extremely smart and extremely well educated.

It's just that a sales letter works best if it is about the potential customer and not about you.

Don't take my word for it though. Create 2 versions, one the way you like it and another version that does not contain anything about you directly. You can tell a lot about you if you package it in a nice story.

Like for example

"... when I was lecturing at Bla University I always tried to make it clear that it is important to get the facts straight... "

With that sentence you would have basically said that you are most likely Dr. (or possibly a professor). If you then write a couple sentences later:

"... and one day this kid came up to me and said:".. hey doc (or even hey Dr. or doctor or even Dr. Schenk) ...""

Then you would have made it perfectly clear.

Or another way:

This kid come up to me and says: "Dr. Veit...". Well, I told him that Veit is actually my first name but nevertheless I then told him that..."

After somebody reads the sales letter then the person knows that you are a Dr. but they kind of found out on their own and... bingo you are immediately THE AUTHORITY.

Same facts but much higher impact.


HP

Looks much better, Veit. I'd probably removed that veiled reference to Market Samurai. I don't use that program, so when I read "keyword samurai, er tools" it slowed me down. I had to stop to think what you were talking about.

I don't think having a phrase for people unfamiliar with MS to trip over is worth keeping. Clever phrases that aren't understood create an exit point, IMO.

Viet, I see what you're trying to do but it doesn't work. You have the "hook" or "big idea" but it's buried. "Cut to the chase" using this hook (from your copy) - "The more effort you make with your Google + profile, the higher your chances of Google taking you seriously".

(BTW adding product boxes to your bonuses will increase their perceived worth.)

Oh yeah...another thing...never ever/on pain of death...use "and much more...". That's just cheesy and amateurish.

This is a good idea for a WSO but you need to junk this copy and start again - or hire a copywriter who knows what he's doing.

It's a lot better than most letters. The tone and the words used clearly define the audience (people who actually know something about SEO).

The only problem with it is that you have too much of an advertorial style to it and too less of the "sales" part.

Plus, you are jumping from point to point too hard. Consider some filler copy between your main ideas.

Razvan

If you're trying to reach business owners, you're failing to connect with them.

Ask yourself:

WHY is it important for me to get ranked high up in the Google natural listings?

You need to take more time building the emotional and financial consequences of having a first page ranking.

"The success of your business hangs in the balance of where Google ranks you.

And no...

Second page results aren't enough.

The truth is...

When your website shows up on the second page for your most relevant keywords, your profitability is being absolutely destroyed.

You might as well just shut the doors RIGHT NOW, because...

If you're failing to get the right eyes on your marketing message, I promise that you're leaving more money on the table than you'll ever produce.

That's a fact.

But you're NOT powerless in determining your website's crucial visibility.

First though...

You have to forget everything you think you know about Google SEO.

I guarantee that you're wasting your time trying to get relevant clicks - if you're even remotely following the old Google SEO archetype.

Learn Exactly How Generate Massive Exposure for Your Website Using Google+

We're talking about achieving first page results in extremely competitive keyword markets.

After all...

If you want Google to prioritize your website; your business; your money-maker...

...you've got to utilize their baby in a BIG way.

And businesses that help Google become increasingly more competitive with the Social Networking juggernaut, Facebook, will be given the red carpet treatment.

However...

There's a right way to do it.

And I'll outline the precise blueprint that will give your website the chance to be seen by thousands of hot buyers, yesterday."

Blah, blah, blah...

Depending on how astute your audience is...

You might need to explain the Volume Search Tool to people.

Give them the link to search their own keywords (obviously have it open in a new window. This goes against direct response protocol, but having made money in this market, I can tell you it works.)

Also...

What happens when everyone hops on the Google+ gravy train?

Create some massive scarcity:

"If you aren't the first business in your keyword market to use Google+ in a BIG way, you'll be left behind.

That means...

Your potential profits will NEVER become a reality.

Guaranteed."

The copy you have isn't bad by any means.

It's just not connecting with the REAL pain your audience is feeling.

That being said...

If you're trying to appeal to SEO experts, pay no attention to me.

Mark

If you are ever worried about the readability of your copy, just run it through a quick test. Microsoft word can do it, as can the following site:

Readability-Score.com - Free Online Readability Calculator - Flesch Kincaid, Gunning Fog and more ...

If you find your readability too low, try reading your copy aloud. See if it sounds natural to you.

In general, you wanna remove any needless words, such as "that"s and prepositions that you can do without.

Often, phrasal verbs make a sales letter "muddle." Replace them with single-word verbs.

Gotta admit, I hate going back through copy, so I'm now in the habit of speaking while I write. My girlfriend thinks I'm crazy, how I talk while I type, but I tell her I'm the bread-winner, here, which shuts her up.