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Critique please? Fitness Niche

by Khemal
8 replies
Hi all,

Thanks in advance for providing constructive criticism of the following copy of my affiliate page:
[URL EDITED until copy is rewritten.]

I've read the points list in the checklist and done as much as I can. The original website is found by clicking on the order link. My page (URL above) is the affiliate / presell page. The vendor hasn't provided a way to direct link to the product/cart so I'm forced to have to link to his website through my affiliate link instead.

Thanks in advance to all!
#critique #fitness #niche
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    You don't have a compelling headline, which means everything that follows is interesting only to you.

    Focus your attention on creating this product, as it may have some value for those with a specific interest in this area...

    ...then get a professional involved to help you sell.
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    • Profile picture of the author Khemal
      Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord View Post

      You don't have a compelling headline, which means everything that follows is interesting only to you.

      Focus your attention on creating this product, as it may have some value for those with a specific interest in this area...

      ...then get a professional involved to help you sell.
      Thanks. I will try to work on a better headline. Any suggestions?

      Thanks so much!
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Simply from a design/layout standpoint... you're going to turn
    a lot of readers off because of the multi-colors... it makes it
    look amateurish.

    You need to get your headline (a better headline) further up
    the fold... so it's closer to the top. Right now, you've got
    a lot of other unnecessary clutter at the top of the page.

    Think of newspapers... you want it so that when someone
    lands on your site, they can tell in about 3 seconds what
    you're going to help them with.

    You've got order buttons/asking someone to buy right
    after your headline... before you even gave them a single
    reason to buy.

    In my 12+ years of copywriting... I've been able to break
    down most of my very successful letters into individual
    components.

    I believe good copy is more "assembled" than it is "written"...
    almost like building blocks.

    And in all of my letters, I've found about 15 to 18 "building
    blocks" or pieces that should be in just about every good
    sales letter.

    You're missing about 12 of those "pieces" or building blocks.

    In other words, you're simply missing a lot of the
    persuasive pieces that need to be in any good
    sales letter that will persuade someone to buy
    from you.

    The good news, you've got some pretty good
    proof elements in there, and I like the fact that
    you've got some good testimonials... but for the
    most part, as it is right now, it won't sell well.
    Signature
    MILLION Dollar Copywriter Offering Written Sales Letter or VSL Script Worth $5,000 - Just $500!
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    • Profile picture of the author Khemal
      Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

      Simply from a design/layout standpoint... you're going to turn
      a lot of readers off because of the multi-colors... it makes it
      look amateurish.

      You need to get your headline (a better headline) further up
      the fold... so it's closer to the top. Right now, you've got
      a lot of other unnecessary clutter at the top of the page.

      Think of newspapers... you want it so that when someone
      lands on your site, they can tell in about 3 seconds what
      you're going to help them with.

      You've got order buttons/asking someone to buy right
      after your headline... before you even gave them a single
      reason to buy.

      In my 12+ years of copywriting... I've been able to break
      down most of my very successful letters into individual
      components.

      I believe good copy is more "assembled" than it is "written"...
      almost like building blocks.

      And in all of my letters, I've found about 15 to 18 "building
      blocks" or pieces that should be in just about every good
      sales letter.

      You're missing about 12 of those "pieces" or building blocks.

      In other words, you're simply missing a lot of the
      persuasive pieces that need to be in any good
      sales letter that will persuade someone to buy
      from you.

      The good news, you've got some pretty good
      proof elements in there, and I like the fact that
      you've got some good testimonials... but for the
      most part, as it is right now, it won't sell well.
      Thanks Shawn. Do you mind letting me in on a few of those missing elements please? I'll take any help i can get.

      Thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author korwil
    1. Get rid of Everything above your headline and start the page at "You are about to Discover..."

    2. Stick with one or 2 colors in your headline. Doing the red and blue and black only turns visitors off.

    3. Instead of 10+ "Try it now risk free" buttons, use something more like this 3 times: http://plugindynamo.com/wp-content/u...now-button.png

    (I'm not saying copy this, but these stand out more and MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO BUY!)

    4. Give people a reason that they need to try it. Throwing up a headline and then the buy button will not convert.

    5. Get rid of that background. Maybe use a grey color.
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    • Profile picture of the author Khemal
      Originally Posted by korwil View Post

      1. Get rid of Everything above your headline and start the page at "You are about to Discover..."

      2. Stick with one or 2 colors in your headline. Doing the red and blue and black only turns visitors off.

      3. Instead of 10+ "Try it now risk free" buttons, use something more like this 3 times: http://plugindynamo.com/wp-content/u...now-button.png

      (I'm not saying copy this, but these stand out more and MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO BUY!)

      4. Give people a reason that they need to try it. Throwing up a headline and then the buy button will not convert.

      5. Get rid of that background. Maybe use a grey color.
      Thanks for those actionable items that gave me a something to change immediately. I'll be doing as you suggested soon.

      Thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Hey Khemal,

    No prob... just sent you a PM with the "checklist"
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author Khemal
      Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

      Hey Khemal,

      No prob... just sent you a PM with the "checklist"
      Shawn,

      Thanks for the awesome help! Got the pm and you certainly know your stuff!

      Khemal
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