I must suck at copywriting...any advice?

16 replies
Hi warriors!

Lately I have been testing some headlines for me new optin page and got some decent opt in rates.

But it seems as if I am stuck on a plateau where I can't seem to break through a measly 20% opt in rate...which basically means that I am losing 80% of my visitors!

Here is my headline:

"Controversial Video Reveals How A Skinny Kid Put On
11 lbs Of Dense Muscle In 1 Month Naturally By Following 2 Simple Steps
That Any Weakling Can Flat Out COPY And Get RIPPED!"

Any advice on my headline would be awsome.

Feel free to rip it to shreds...

I look forward to hearing your advice
#advice #copywritingany
  • Profile picture of the author WRCREX
    I'm a top writer on one of the freelance sites (for CL ads), and I will say that your headlines seem slightly gimmicky. However, I'm NOT saying that they won't work - as there are so many different types of people who can end up seeing these links. They aren't horrible, I would just go with something like:

    "Work SMARTER not HARDER! - Here is how you can ACTUALLY gain 11lbs of DENSE Muscle in JUST one Month - REGARDLESS of your BODYTYPE!"

    Of course, you can omit bolds where you feel necessary =)
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  • Profile picture of the author macchiavelli
    Thanks a lot warrior!

    I like yours better already
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    • Profile picture of the author ERPLeadsWriter
      Short answer: Your headline is too long.

      Consider me another who is still learning but one of the basics of writing in general is avoiding lengthy headlines. I'd make a good bet that whether it is copywriting, journalism, or even research papers, you do not want your readers to tire out just from reading the first statement that gets their attention.

      Oh, and of course, the length makes it hard to stand out from other ads that have said the same thing. Just my two cents.
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      • Profile picture of the author cjp214
        Hey buddy,

        First of all, 20% conversion rate isn't anything to sneeze at! Regarding your headline, however, there's something about its structure that makes it a bit hard to follow.

        How about something like this?

        "Controversial Video Shows How A Skinny Kid Put On
        11 lbs Of Dense Muscle In 1 Month (and How You Can Too)"

        The parenthetical statement helps the reader rest their eyes for a moment and, in my opinion, breaks up the headline into 2 manageable chunks.

        Another option would be to make your headline shorter and include a subhead below it. Think about the 4 benefits you packed into your original headline: 1) putting on a lot of dense muscle; 2) in a short time-frame; 3) following a simple program; and 4) using natural methods.

        Which benefits do you believe will pull in the most prospects? You could include 2 in the headline and 2 in the subhead, if you wanted.

        Of course, when in doubt, split test, split test, split test.

        Hope this helps! Best,

        Corey Pemberton
        ...............................Do Your Ads Turn Your Prospects Off?
        I Play with Words that Grab Prospects by the Collar and Make Websites Sell

        ………See How Here (Keyboard Jockeys and Wannabes Need Not Apply)
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        • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345
          Originally Posted by cjp214 View Post

          "Controversial Video Shows How A Skinny Kid Put On
          11 lbs Of Dense Muscle In 1 Month (and How You Can Too)"

          FYI: Under the new FTC rules, you CANNOT say things such as "and you can too," unless 11 pounds in 1 month is the typical result (which I suspect is NOT the case).

          The FTC is sort of like a big sleeping bear... it's best not to wake it.

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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Hey macchiavelli

    Something you can test out is something i've been using
    a lot in the fitness/weight loss niche recently and it's
    been working very well.

    I actually noticed that some big health and fitness mailers
    were using it... Prevention, Health and Healing, etc...

    Anyways, it's using something called an "umbrella"
    headline... where you use a multi-pronged approach
    to your headline.

    So, for example...

    New Bodybuilding Supplement is Proven to:

    1. Prevent over training in the gym, so you
    can more muscle from working out

    2. Give you the results of 2 to 3 workouts,
    all in just one power-packed session

    3. Helps increase your strength the
    very first time you use it.


    I did one last month for one of my fitness clients
    and the headline was something like...

    The Three Truths for Building Muscle

    and then, under the headline, I used
    this "umbrella approach" where I then
    listed out the 3 truths...

    The Three Truths for Building Muscle

    1. If you work out more than this amount
    each week, you'll actually LOSE muscle!

    2. You can actually build muscle in just
    60 minutes or less of workouts each week

    3. If you're using these exercises, you're
    killing your results in the gym.


    Now, those are just off the top of my
    head bullets and examples, i'm not
    going to put down what I gave my client,
    but it's just the example of an umbrella

    Anyways, maybe test out an umbrella
    headline.... where you're able to
    have a nice big benefit-filled headline
    at the top followed by 3 more hard
    hitting "mini-headlines" right below.

    I did a few squeeze pages using this
    method lately and some hit 40% and one
    was close to 50% optin. of course,
    we also had very targeted traffic... so
    the numbers will be higher.
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Too wordy. Although, I agree with cjp214 about your 20% conversion rate. Don't believe everything you read about these 50% and 80% opt in rates. My advice, trim it down. Force yourself to say it in 10 words or less, then 8, then 6. Once you trim it down, you'll find out what the headline is really made of. If you can't get it down to less than 10 words, you've got nothing, start over and this time join the conversation in the person's mind.

    That's the first job of a good squeeze page. You'll need discovery questions to make this happen, here's a video on it:

    BTW: If you honestly think you suck at copywriting, you need to practice everyday. It's not something you just start doing and kick a** at.

    Good luck
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    • Profile picture of the author Shadowflux
      I agree with others, 20% isn't bad and the headline is too long. Think of it a bit like a haiku, you want to capture the essence of what you're saying in the fewest yet most powerful words possible.

      Maybe try using some niche specific phrases like "Bulk up, cut down, gain mass, get ripped." I've been on an exercise kick lately and I've noticed that the people who are really into it, those that buy A LOT of stuff, use these specific kinds of phrases.

      I think using niche specific phrases helps lend legitimacy to the advertising in the eyes of prospective customers.

      Think of it this way, if someone was trying to sell you on an IM product but they never used terms like "conversion, PPC, CTR, optin" would you really trust that their product is any good?
      Native Advertising Specialist
      Dangerously Effective
      Always Discreet
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  • Profile picture of the author macchiavelli
    Great feedback guys OMG!

    My head is spinning!
    I feel like creating 10 new headlines and test them again!

    Thanks a lot...
    A LOT!
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  • Profile picture of the author ird986
    Test a few different versions of the page and then see what response you get. Do bear in mind the look and feel of the page also.

    Fresco Creative, Link Building and SEO Consultancy

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    • Profile picture of the author Sophist
      Hey Mac,

      I tend to agree with some of the previous posters.

      Aside from it being too wordy, the big glaring problem is the word "steps."

      Remember, you're speaking to a specific individual and your headline does nothing more than keep them reading the rest of the page. In doing so, people/humans that you're addressing don't want "steps." They want a solution to a problem in the easiest most simple way possible. When you say "steps," it implies a long daunting process to follow. That's how the person you're speaking to will process it.

      Remember Mac, simplicity. Test your headline without the phrasing around "steps."

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      • Profile picture of the author westhope84
        "He looked like a certified WIMP. Relate much? 30 days later, he's showing off his powerful biceps everywhere he goes. 2 simple steps and 1 month are all that stand between you and becoming what every woman wants. Check it out:"

        Phew... that's probably too long.

        I must admit that I laughed while coming up with this. Not my preferred niche, but I'm forcing myself to produce all the content I can right now.

        I gots to learn.
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  • Profile picture of the author davehayes
    As a Copywriter myself, I have to say it is too long. The general rule is the headline should not be longer than 17 words long

    Applied Education is the difference

    Read the reviews on list building & blog promotion, so you save time & money

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  • Profile picture of the author lpalad
    According to your faith, it is done unto you. In other words, if you think you believe you are a suck writer, you're brain will find ways you become suck even Dan Kennedy is mentoring you.

    Perhaps asking a better question like "Why Am I so damn good at sale copy writing" ? Even if you have a grain of belief about that you are a good writer though not to the level you wish, your situation will drastically improve. Because one you give your brain something to search it will find ways to bring it into life.

    All the best.
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