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Little Help From An "Expert"...

by lmooney1028
19 replies
Hi Guys,

I'm just getting into copywriting and have written some copy and designed a (online) sales page for a business i know.

It's my first attempt at anything like this and i'm just trying to get some experience using real world businesses.

If there are any experts with 5 minutes to critique a newbie at this then it'd e greatly appreciated. All i ask is that if you want to say thats its sh*t, then let me know WHY its sh*t.

The temporary address is Sales Page

Just post whatever your thoughts are here.

*Of course compliements are always welcome too...
#expert
  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    I'd modernize the design. What you have now looks like something from the "good old days" of the internet.

    Also, think a little bit more about your headline. Are businesses really burning ALL of their future profits? If you could state a specific percentage, that would be more believable.

    Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author Corey Geer
    As Alex was saying, it looks like you built this with Geocities.. minus the dancing baby gif.

    Also, I'm not sure what you're referring to when you say

    "Stop burning all of your future profits

    Without giving your customers a reason to return you're letting money walk out of your door"

    My first conclusion just from the headline is that you're saying people have poor customer retention or don't offer them a reason to come back but how many people are going to get that? I'm not saying everyone who visits your site is going to be stupid but I think the headline/tagline should be simplified to say what you're trying to say.

    You're not targeting random newbies here hoping to make a quick buck, you're targeting business owners who probably aren't going to believe a majority of what you've put on here. You keep using the word "all" but how do you really know ALL of the people you keep mentioning are doing this?

    I think this sales page would convert better off hopeful newbies looking to make a buck.
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    • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
      I think you make a poor case going from 'burning future profits' to having your own loyalty program.

      Your headline and the few paragraphs after that are typical hype mumbo jumbo talk. It's not believable. Your just setting yourself up for failure when they finally do see your offer.

      You have a great product, but your making the water so muddy that people won't be able to clearly see what your selling and why they need it. So just come right out from the start and tell them what you got...

      "Increase Customer Retention Rate up to 87%+ With This Simple, Easy to Use Mobile App..."

      You get the idea. The point is you don't need to take the whole "Your burning profits!" approach. The product sells itself if you target the right people.
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  • Profile picture of the author Warrior X
    Makes no attempt to answer the most important question readers will be asking:

    Who are you, and why should I trust you?

    Also its a business-to-business service you're trying to sell-- but the copy reads like an
    internet marketing, make-money-online product.

    Imagine selling this face-to-face. You wouldn't be saying the things you're
    saying in your letter, you'd sound ridiculous.

    Stop trying to use copywriting "tricks" (that's not what good copy is about anyway)
    and just write it like a salesman would say it. Here's what I've got, here's what it will do for you.

    Jeremy
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    • Profile picture of the author max5ty
      Originally Posted by TrustedCopy View Post

      Makes no attempt to answer the most important question readers will be asking:

      Who are you, and why should I trust you?

      Also its a business-to-business service you're trying to sell-- but the copy reads like an
      internet marketing, make-money-online product.

      Imagine selling this face-to-face. You wouldn't be saying the things you're
      saying in your letter, you'd sound ridiculous.

      Stop trying to use copywriting "tricks" (that's not what good copy is about anyway)
      and just write it like a salesman would say it. Here's what I've got, here's what it will do for you.

      Jeremy
      Sounds like you've actually talked to some real life business owners.

      I was thinking the same same when I read the copy. I was wondering if he ever thought about standing face to face with a bid'ness person while he read this.

      Most wouldn't have the time or patience to sit it out.

      I agree - get to the point and do it quickly.
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      • Profile picture of the author lmooney1028
        Thanks guys, these are some really great points.

        Like i said, i'm new to this and so i want every aspect that is wrong torn apart so i can learn from it.

        I'm going to re-do the copy with the view that i'm selling this face to face (an amazingly simple concept that i can't beleieve i didn't realise i was doing!). I guess i got too wrapped up in the copy writing books i've been reading and not getting a feel for the product and business.

        I'll be aiming to keep it simple and straight to the point, selling the benefits. I will give a brief background on who i am as well as testimonials to add credibility.

        The design of the page has been slated - but has anyone got any pointers as to which direction i should be going to for the design? Should i make it look like the actual website or keep the thinner central column like you see on most sales pages?

        Basically, has anyone got any constructive criticism for the design and an idea of what i should be aiming for?
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  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    try clean and simple like this
    Email Players Newsletter
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    • Profile picture of the author lmooney1028
      Originally Posted by Joe Ditzel View Post

      try clean and simple like this
      Email Players Newsletter
      Cheer Joe,

      I'm confused now though - so far i got slated on the design because it goes to the "old days" and looks like its selling interenet marketing instead of being B2B. Your example is what i would have gone for originally, but that's against the advice i've received so far.

      am i missing something here? cos i'm now well confused...
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      • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
        I think Joe's point was "clean and simple," meaning compare Ben's sales page to what you have now - Conservative serif font, pro-looking head shot, plain white sheet with a darker background...big chunky paragraphs and simple subheads. Minimal use of highlighting...No pics of flaming cash, dingbat bullets, or hand drawn arrows and x's.

        Ben's writing schtick is far from conservative. His emails can be annoying and he thrives on getting under people's skin. But the sales page for his product is slick, clean, and professional. He makes a lot of sales.

        Targeting a B2B market, you'll want to take the same approach with your page, and dissect about 2/3rds of your copy...come right out and make your pitch, state your benefits, and close your sale. Don't get wrapped up in trying to make a page that "fits" your image of an internet sales page. Think about your market and the image you need to portray.
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  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    Here are more examples of clean design:
    The Direct Response Marketing 2.0 Story - Direct Response Marketing 2.0
    Fast, Effective Sales Copy with David Garfinkel & Brian McLeod

    Here are some good fonts to consider:
    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post5522277

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post2317192

    Here are some more good font ideas along with the PSD and PNG files
    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post1074357
    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post1074707

    This post explains fonts in relation to copy:
    Put Your Copy To The Test - The Michel Fortin Blog

    Hope that helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author lmooney1028
    OK, i understand now.

    Cheers guys, this is a massive help!

    I'll re do it all and then come back and let you tear the new one to shreads
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    • Profile picture of the author lmooney1028
      OK,

      I've been working day and night trying to redo the page. Here is the second attempt: http://bbmloyalty.businesscatalyst.com/ (same link as before).

      I have tried to take on board what everyone has been saying. It was difficult to try and strike a balance between keeping it simple and having a professional looking page that won't scare business owners away at the sight of it.

      Its not finished yet, i still need to add several things and tidy up the copy and the design, but i wanted to get an opinion as to if i'm on the right track.

      So go on - give me your worst...
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      • Profile picture of the author Dan Axelrod
        Your subheadline is MUCH better than your Headline. I'd make that "Increase Your Customer..." part your headline instead.
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        • Profile picture of the author lmooney1028
          Cheers dan I'll take it on board and look at switching them around.

          Any other critiques?

          Lolling at people to complain about design as well as copy.

          Cheers for any help (I'm new to this!).

          Lee
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          • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
            Originally Posted by lmooney1028 View Post

            Cheers dan I'll take it on board and look at switching them around.

            Any other critiques?

            Lolling at people to complain about design as well as copy.

            Cheers for any help (I'm new to this!).

            Lee
            Hey Lee, here's a few suggestions on the copy, just through the first couple of paragraphs.

            Yes, the subhead should be used as your main headline...You could improve it a bit by tweaking the benefits to your prospects of improving their customer retention rate. Think of it this way...Do business owners think "Man, I wish I could retain more customers?" Or are they more likely to be thinking, "Man, I wish I could grow my profits somehow. If only I knew a way to increase revenues without really having to increase my overhead in some way..."

            You can pose your solution as an answer to that second problem and reveal that solution in your headline somehow.

            Now try applying that same line of thinking to your deck copy. Try presenting the problem business owners are facing (increasing their profit margin without increasing expenses)...relate it in a way that your prospects will identify with...

            Then come out and give your credentials, "we've helped hundreds of small businesses," and that may be a good spot for your first raving testimonial...

            Now you can reveal how solving the problem you've identified would really help your prospects...Not "Brings customers come back to YOUR business (?)," but how does retaining customers SOLVE THE PROBLEM you've already established? Develop those ideas in some bullets that your prospects will read and say, "Oh yeah - If that happened, it really WOULD grow my business without a lot of additional expense!"

            Now you can reveal your product and provide a general explanation of what it does...

            That's just a few ways you could improve your sales page in only the first few paragraphs of your copy.

            This product seems like it would be a good candidate for a VSL, have you considered putting one together?
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  • Profile picture of the author lmooney1028
    Hi Jeremy,

    Great points. All taken on board. I should say that prospects will be getting to this page from ads that talk about increasing profits through customer retention - which may change your view on the copy (equally it may not, but I figured you should get an idea of the funnel the prospects are going down...).

    A VSL??? I'm barely getting to grips with this copy?!? I figured VSL's are only good if their done right - I liken it to firing a rifle: a scope will make a good shot extremely good and a bad shot even worse. I figur that bad copy can still convert whereas if a put a VSL on bad copy it won't. Once my copy is good, a VSL will improve the conversion a bit more.

    Basically, I wouldn't even know where to start on a VSL. I wouldn't know what a good one or bad one is. Any examples/advice about VSL's would be appreciated (or a point inthe direction where I can get it?).

    Thanks again.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
      Originally Posted by lmooney1028 View Post

      A VSL??? I'm barely getting to grips with this copy?!? I figured VSL's are only good if their done right - I liken it to firing a rifle: a scope will make a good shot extremely good and a bad shot even worse. I figur that bad copy can still convert whereas if a put a VSL on bad copy it won't. Once my copy is good, a VSL will improve the conversion a bit more.

      Basically, I wouldn't even know where to start on a VSL. I wouldn't know what a good one or bad one is. Any examples/advice about VSL's would be appreciated (or a point inthe direction where I can get it?).

      Thanks again.
      Sure thing Lee, LOL...The VSL comment was a little tongue in cheek because it seems like there's a lot of talk about them on this forum right now.

      The reality is, though, you can pull some strong bullet points from your copy and put something together easily with a microphone and one of the online apps that converts text to powerpoint slides/presentations...I haven't done any VSL work so I'm not one to offer any advice really, but here's a link on some basic info:

      Video Salesletters | Video Marketing Strategies that Kick Butt!
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  • Profile picture of the author lmooney1028
    Well, if i didn't have a big sign on my head saying newbie, i do now after missing the joke. :|

    Cheers for the link and the advice - much appreciated.

    Anyone able to let me know if i'm heading in the right direction with the design?
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    • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
      Originally Posted by lmooney1028 View Post

      Well, if i didn't have a big sign on my head saying newbie, i do now after missing the joke. :|

      Cheers for the link and the advice - much appreciated.

      Anyone able to let me know if i'm heading in the right direction with the design?


      It was not you, my delivery is terrible.
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