Hey there,

If this is your first copywriting attempt, than good job, you're wayyy better than most newbies.

Here are my thoughts:

First of all, big claims need either big proof or a unique hook to make it believable. You use a lot of #1 claims such as "Most controversial video on the internet," "Most undercover society online," etc..

Those claims are so huge they're not believable. Go specific instead. Instead of "Most controversial video,"... use "The controversial video that almost got YouTube taken down for good." or instead of "Most undercover society online," use "The secret society that has made 94% of the wealth online in the past 5 years"

This is assuming it's true of course. Don't just make stuff up or you'll get a lot of annoyed people refunding you and the FTC on your back.

You also want to promise a benefit in the headline, preferably with a strong hook. Why does someone want to join the secret society? And why would a poor schmuck believe he can get in for giving his email address.

Address skepticism very thoroughly here.

--Dan

Use the word "most" and "millionaire" a lot more. I mean seriously, "millionaire" is only used 4 times which is only about 8% of your words. You don't have near enough hype.

What is the BENEFIT? "The biggest secrets to becoming a millionaire online"? Lame

Secret societies? The early 2000's called. They want their hook back.

The adjective police called. They've issued an arrest warrant for you.

The "Arrow Conservation Society" called. They've cited you for being over your squeeze page limit.

Roget's called and offered you a free link to thesaurus.com

The Optimists Society called to offer you and your dream of 30% conversions a lifetime achievement award.

Thanks for your responses guys!

A quick thought.

I've noticed with lots of "get rich" promo's they tend to say "be a millionaire" or "multi - millionaire".

Would it help to be ultra specific - saying $977,250 or maybe $7,577,000.

Or any number you like - (many will say it helps if it ends with a 7).

To me it makes the whole concept a touch more real with a dash of intrigue.


Steve

So basically tighten up your copy, add more credibility as soon as you make a claim and for gods sake and for the life of Bruce, remove 1 arrow and make the other less spammy looking (smaller)...

Doing this whole million-aire society won't intrigue anybody. They'll just become skeptical right away. Not to mention that a society isn't going to benefit anyone.

You should get that coaching program, write down all the benefits your prospect could gain out of it and then write bullets. That should help you get started.

i can only comment on the design....

when i designed the "arrow down" squeeze page (you saw it with kern and walkers launches a few years ago), the whole point of it was to draw the eye to the optin box.

that was it.

so you've got 2 of them which almost nullifies the big one pointing down... which is the one that really draws the eye to it.

I'd nuke the 2nd curved one.

Also make the headline the most important part of the page visually. Right now it blends into the page and doesn't pop.

I'd test everything black on the page except the arrow and the submit button.

this will make the arrow and button pop.

And third, test without the bullets and with. I find less is more, but only IF you have your headline nailed.

good luck

Oh and another thing...

Put some kind of background that sorta reflects what you're message is about... I can't find the links but there are some squeeze pages for Eben, Walker and other top peeps who put images of beaches, cruises, landscapes as their backgrounds...

If somebody knows what I'm talking about and has the links/images chime in porfavor.

I have to agree with Dave Miz - there is no point to having two arrows. Go back to your form and delete the small one. I would also take out that the optin comes from Aweber.
With all the times millionaire is mentioned, I find that a little over the top. To me it sounds a bit hype.

What a great page!

I do agree about the arrows, only it is still QUITE CLEAR what you want your prospects to do with two. That is a detail of the third order.

Fair warning: after a few days put up a squeeze page that says "this page has now closed" - where you ask them to sign up to another email list where they get to the chance to opt in later on!. That way you really are genuinely offering something that is time-dependent. Sure, you may lose one or two prospects - they will be the low end so won't be a worry.

Oh, and put up a squeeze page that looks quite different (even if the content is much the same).

Hope this helps.

I really appreciate all the responses guys! Thanks!

Also on your copy make sure your headline actually identifies your target audience straight away.

So if you are selling a health care product to overweight people a key strategy that has worked for us is actually saying

HEY if you are overweight or worried about your weight you need to read this

It sounds daft but the quicker you can get someone attention the better!

People often overlook how a headline is broken up into multiple lines.

Each line should have a self-contained idea.

So, not changing your headline, but reformatting it . . .

"FREE Video Reveals . . .
The Secret Multi-Millionaire
Online Society
And How YOU Can Get In!"

Couple points:

1. Always put the word "free" in ALL CAPS.

2. Put your headlines in quotation marks.

Hope that helps.

(EDIT: The headline should be centered, of course.)

Have you made any of the recommended changes or are you leaving as is? There are so many recommendations here on this thread but I cannot see if you have implemented them. Can you show us the site where you have made any changes?