Can you please critique the sales page for my Ebook

Banned 11 years ago

Hello Christopher

Welcome to the WF. Brave man coming in this section with your very first post.

Bit of a cockeyed mess we've got going on above the fold here no?

Your navigation links are all scrunched up together which instantly conveys the thought in my mind - complete amateur. In other words, to quote a good friend of mine, you're instantly not giving off a good authority vibe.

It gets worse...

Immediately below this you've got your whopping great header image. Which to be perfectly honest with you is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. And a complete waste of very valuable space at the top of your site.

This space is where ideally you want to be doing everything possible to make a strong instant connection with your website visitors, who you've worked hard at attracting to your website in the first place. So why waste this opportunity?

Instead, you're going to annoy them by forcing them to take an action immediately not of their personal choosing. That is, forcing them to scroll down your site to find out what it is you actually do or offer. Good idea? I think not.

Now the visitor has been on your site for all of 3 seconds so far and the impression given out isn't exactly the best impression in the world. Now you've got at most 2 more seconds to keep and maintain those visitors interest.

So I drop down and here finally is your main headline...

An Industry Insiders' Guide to Dealing with your Creditors.

Bring your Debts under control in 3 Easy Steps.

No way is this your single biggest benefit.

Nor is this headline in it's current form playing to one core emotion which is vitally important to make this instant connection with your visitors.

People in debt, with DCA's after them, what precisely are they looking for?

What do they want to experience practically and emotionally?

What is the conversation going on inside your website visitors mind?

What they want most of all is to experience relief.

What they want is accurate knowledge to get the DCA, their creditors off their back. They want the harassment to stop.

What they want is breathing space. The ultimate solution to have the law playing on their side over and above the law working in the creditors or the DCA's favour.

So you need to work this angle into your main headline, which ideally should be right at the top of the page, the first thing your website visitors clap their beady little eyes upon.

This message, via this main headline placed at the top of your website will then instantly tell the reader exactly what they want to know. They want to be in the know but at the moment they're flailing around in the dark unsure who or what advice to listen to.

Don't make them work for this knowledge, this emotional relief they want to experience instantly - just give it to them on a plate straightaway. This should be the first thing they see on your website, which instantly conveys the message you're an expert, an authority figure worth 'listening' to.

So sort out those links at the top of the page and get rid of that header image.

The background colour too is depressing at best. The site actually feels like one is entering a prison when it wants and needs to convey positive emotions instead (think freedom / escape / light). Go for a cleaner more corporate based design which ultimately conveys great authority.

You are the man in the know are you not? Then prove it. Aid your credibility. Give them, your website visitors every reason to put their faith and trust in you and you alone over and above your direct competition.

Next is your deck, your introduction. Instantly, I'm greeted with the most outlandish red text screaming at me...

Stop... End... Avoid... Escape... Learn...

Now tell me, what do you think these words are doing subconsciously in the mind of your readers?

Are they inspiring confidence in you and your product?

Are they attraction motivators or just the opposite, in other words the impression given off by these written commands, are they in fact repelling me from what you have to say? I'll clue you in, they're certainly not attracting me to your offer. They're not inspiring within me any desire to want to continue reading down below.

These words are acting like unconscious filters telling me in no uncertain terms to stop, end, avoid and escape what I'm doing, that is from reading your sales pitch. Think about it.

Read this pitch from the perspective of your target market, put yourself in their shoes and read it not from your side of the fence looking out but...

From their side of the fence looking in.

Tip: Avoid the word 'Learn' (it implies hard work) when what your target market wants is easy more than anything else.

The next line down is equally useless. It's not for a select audience at all this information you're providing. It's for anyone and everyone with debts who has DCA's after them. No need to exclude a good part of your potential market if you don't have to. This is a perfect example of how a single line of not well thought through text can have a dramatic negative impact on your conversion rate.

Next up...

What's with the 'bubble' text caption boxes?

What's all that about?

What is the point, what is the objective of splitting up the text, the sales letter into separate text 'boxes'?

What impression does this give off?

What are you trying to do here besides annoying your readers absolutely rotten? Confused.

Underneath this you've finally got a small about of blurb hinting at what this guide is all about.

Now fair enough, I haven't read your guide through but I can instantly guess what's inside it and it's all information which I can get online for free.

So don't tell me, you're including template legal letters inside this guide which one can send off to the DCA's to get them off your back. I know the process, I've done it myself. Nothing new here.

Overall your sales pitch and the presentation is piss weak poor.

Will it convert? Personally, I highly doubt it. I think the conversion rate will be shockingly low if you keep this format as it is. It needs a lot of work to bring it up to scratch, up to par to a professional standard.

Prove you understand your target market emotions inside out.

Prove you understand inside out the conversation going on inside your prospects mind.

Prove you understand their frustration, their despair and then and only then start positioning your product so it resonates extremely well with the people you're trying to reach and help.

In all honesty, if this is an example of how well you understand this business niche, I'd forget about trying to write out this sales pitch yourself. Solution? Employ one of the guys here on this forum, if you need a hand choosing somebody, let me know and I'll be happy to put a name or two forward to you. But in all truthfulness, it needs a pro copywriter to write up this homepage. Your own design and copywriting abilities obviously do not cut the grade.

Truth be told, you'll be wasting time working further on this yourself. Time which could be saved and a better ROI can be gained by having a pro do this for you on your behalf.

Benefit? This is time which you can spend on driving highly targeted traffic (eyeballs) to your website.

Quids in all round.

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you.

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

[ 4 ] Thanks
1 reply

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The Debt Insider

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

Hello Christopher

Welcome to the WF. Brave man coming in this section with your very first post.

Bit of a cockeyed mess we've got going on above the fold here no?

Your navigation links are all scrunched up together which instantly conveys the thought in my mind - complete amateur. In other words, to quote a good friend of mine, you're instantly not giving off a good authority vibe.

It gets worse...

Immediately below this you've got your whopping great header image. Which to be perfectly honest with you is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. And a complete waste of very valuable space at the top of your site.

This space is where ideally you want to be doing everything possible to make a strong instant connection with your website visitors, who you've worked hard at attracting to your website in the first place. So why waste this opportunity?

Instead, you're going to annoy them by forcing them to take an action immediately not of their personal choosing. That is, forcing them to scroll down your site to find out what it is you actually do or offer. Good idea? I think not.

Now the visitor has been on your site for all of 3 seconds so far and the impression given out isn't exactly the best impression in the world. Now you've got at most 2 more seconds to keep and maintain those visitors interest.

So I drop down and here finally is your main headline...

An Industry Insiders' Guide to Dealing with your Creditors.

Bring your Debts under control in 3 Easy Steps.

No way is this your single biggest benefit.

Nor is this headline in it's current form playing to one core emotion which is vitally important to make this instant connection with your visitors.

People in debt, with DCA's after them, what precisely are they looking for?

What do they want to experience practically and emotionally?

What is the conversation going on inside your website visitors mind?

What they want most of all is to experience relief.

What they want is accurate knowledge to get the DCA, their creditors off their back. They want the harassment to stop.

What they want is breathing space. The ultimate solution to have the law playing on their side over and above the law working in the creditors or the DCA's favour.

So you need to work this angle into your main headline, which ideally should be right at the top of the page, the first thing your website visitors clap their beady little eyes upon.

This message, via this main headline placed at the top of your website will then instantly tell the reader exactly what they want to know. They want to be in the know but at the moment they're flailing around in the dark unsure who or what advice to listen to.

Don't make them work for this knowledge, this emotional relief they want to experience instantly - just give it to them on a plate straightaway. This should be the first thing they see on your website, which instantly conveys the message you're an expert, an authority figure worth 'listening' to.

So sort out those links at the top of the page and get rid of that header image.

The background colour too is depressing at best. The site actually feels like one is entering a prison when it wants and needs to convey positive emotions instead (think freedom / escape / light). Go for a cleaner more corporate based design which ultimately conveys great authority.

You are the man in the know are you not? Then prove it. Aid your credibility. Give them, your website visitors every reason to put their faith and trust in you and you alone over and above your direct competition.

Next is your deck, your introduction. Instantly, I'm greeted with the most outlandish red text screaming at me...

Stop... End... Avoid... Escape... Learn...

Now tell me, what do you think these words are doing subconsciously in the mind of your readers?

Are they inspiring confidence in you and your product?

Are they attraction motivators or just the opposite, in other words the impression given off by these written commands, are they in fact repelling me from what you have to say? I'll clue you in, they're certainly not attracting me to your offer. They're not inspiring within me any desire to want to continue reading down below.

These words are acting like unconscious filters telling me in no uncertain terms to stop, end, avoid and escape what I'm doing, that is from reading your sales pitch. Think about it.

Read this pitch from the perspective of your target market, put yourself in their shoes and read it not from your side of the fence looking out but...

From their side of the fence looking in.

Tip: Avoid the word 'Learn' (it implies hard work) when what your target market wants is easy more than anything else.

The next line down is equally useless. It's not for a select audience at all this information you're providing. It's for anyone and everyone with debts who has DCA's after them. No need to exclude a good part of your potential market if you don't have to. This is a perfect example of how a single line of not well thought through text can have a dramatic negative impact on your conversion rate.

Next up...

What's with the 'bubble' text caption boxes?

What's all that about?

What is the point, what is the objective of splitting up the text, the sales letter into separate text 'boxes'?

What impression does this give off?

What are you trying to do here besides annoying your readers absolutely rotten? Confused.

Underneath this you've finally got a small about of blurb hinting at what this guide is all about.

Now fair enough, I haven't read your guide through but I can instantly guess what's inside it and it's all information which I can get online for free.

So don't tell me, you're including template legal letters inside this guide which one can send off to the DCA's to get them off your back. I know the process, I've done it myself. Nothing new here.

Overall your sales pitch and the presentation is piss weak poor.

Will it convert? Personally, I highly doubt it. I think the conversion rate will be shockingly low if you keep this format as it is. It needs a lot of work to bring it up to scratch, up to par to a professional standard.

Prove you understand your target market emotions inside out.

Prove you understand inside out the conversation going on inside your prospects mind.

Prove you understand their frustration, their despair and then and only then start positioning your product so it resonates extremely well with the people you're trying to reach and help.

In all honesty, if this is an example of how well you understand this business niche, I'd forget about trying to write out this sales pitch yourself. Solution? Employ one of the guys here on this forum, if you need a hand choosing somebody, let me know and I'll be happy to put a name or two forward to you. But in all truthfulness, it needs a pro copywriter to write up this homepage. Your own design and copywriting abilities obviously do not cut the grade.

Truth be told, you'll be wasting time working further on this yourself. Time which could be saved and a better ROI can be gained by having a pro do this for you on your behalf.

Benefit? This is time which you can spend on driving highly targeted traffic (eyeballs) to your website.

Quids in all round.

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you.

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

Hi Mark

I appreciate such a thoughful and insightful critique. As you can see I clearly am not a salesman or a website designer despite my efforts.

I am very knowledgable in my field, but I specifically did not want to give away actual 'inside Knowledge' on my sales letter.

You are quite right that some of the things included within the book are available online for those with the time or patience to look for them. Again the true insider information I believe should only be made available when someone has purchased the product.

I am open to offers of professional help

, and would consider proposals if you or anyone else on here wants to send anything my way.

Again thank you

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Mark Andrews Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by The Debt Insider

Hi Mark

I appreciate such a thoughful and insightful critique.

Hey up, no problem mate.

It's amazing what that tiny word 'please' will get out of me.

My pleasure Christopher, you're more than welcome.

Kindest regards,

Mark Andrews
- Thanks
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travlinguy

11 years ago

I didn't read all of Mark's critique so he may have covered this. The design doesn't look at all like a financial site. The Debt Insider header font looks like something out of the 1990s. The first two b/w pics under that are actually kinda scary. The overall feel of the design and layout is a bit unsettling. If you were selling hemlock you'd have a winner.

On the upside I like what you've done with the list in the first section:

STOP
END
AVOID
ESCAPE
LEARN

That could come across as pretty compelling. For that to happen you're going to need a compelling benefit-laden headline that sets up that list I just mentioned. You're close. Good luck.

Thanks

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Steve The Copywriter

11 years ago

Hi Christopher,

Yes, the layout does need dramatically improving - but a good designer can easily fix it.

The best word to replace "learn" is "discover"

Follow the advice given.

BTW - your guarantee is well written.

And it shouldn't be long before you improve the copy making it leagues better to pull in a good response.

I imagine your research will have shown - with all the economic problems in the UK there should be a big demand for the help you'll provide in the book.

Steve

Thanks

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Dennis Gaskill

11 years ago

Before I comment on the sales copy, you do have some other issues you need to fix. First, your title tag has "Home" for the page title. You need to change that to the main keyword phrase you're targeting.

Second, the font you're using in the first headline on the page is awful. The edges are so jagged I almost cut my eyes just looking at it.

Third, the three buttons at the top (Home, Contact, About) need fixed. The tops of the images are cut off. And when I place my cursor on the home button everything jumps around, but not so on the other two.

Fourth, your image alt tags all read alt="Image description" ...that isn't going to help with search engines or with people using screen readers and need the alt text to understand the images.

You need to go through the sales copy and eliminate unnecessary words. Boil each thought down to its essense. For example, this:

Stop your suffering from the stress and worry of debt

...could be...

Stop suffering from stress and debt worry.

You also need to spellcheck the page. I noticed errors.

Then there's this line:

This book is only for people who are serious about taking control of their debts

What's the purpose of that line? To chase people away who aren't serious, or are just curious, or are only interested?

In addition to unnecessary words, you want to eliminate unnecessary ideas that don't really contribute to the sales process.

Having said all that, you should know I'm not a professional copywriter. I do write my own copy, but if others here contradict anything I said about the copy, they're probably right.

[ 1 ] Thanks

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verial

11 years ago

Tried to take a look, but the link seems to be broken. Or perhaps your server's down.

Thanks
1 reply

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Mark Andrews Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by verial

Tried to take a look, but the link seems to be broken. Or perhaps your server's down.

Nope. It's working fine. Just tried it to verify if what you're stating is the case. No, your wrong, the site is up and running perfectly okay.

Mark Andrews
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- iMassMarket 11 years ago
  
  Everything Mike said
  
  And be sure to check out your competition from top to bottom. Design, headings, colors, usp, etc.
  
  Once you have made the fixes, play with your headline until you have several to test.
  
  Here's something I've thrown together... just to get you thinking...
  
  Gain the upper hand and arm yourself with the three biggest secrets that have debt collectors crying foul...
  
  Former Credit Insider Spills the Beans and Swears
  These Three Industry Secrets Will Put an End to the
  Harassing Phone Calls, Stop those Threatening Collection
  Letters and Kick every Abusive Debt Collector
  Out of Your Life Once and For All!
  
  Yes, here at last is your chance to eliminate the stress and worry of the debt collector
  while giving you the breathing room to get your debt under control.
  
  ** In your face testimonial right here praising how quick and easy your system worked and changed their life (if you got one) **
  
  ------------------------- All this above the fold --------------------------------
  
  Thanks
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7792101].message }}

Can you please critique the sales page for my Ebook

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