Aw, How Cute! A Newb's First Sales E-Mail! Now Rip It to Shreds

14 replies
Hello, cruel world!

I am a dumb liberal arts grad who has just written her first sales e-mail. I am hoping that you will be able to point and laugh at it, then tell me why it sucks.

Please

I'm attaching it as a PDF with my client's name and information removed because my tinfoil-hatted friends tell me that the Big Google Freemason Illuminati Society reads all text online forever. The client and I are planning to send the actual e-mail in text form, of course.

Basically, we're e-mailing people who haven't visited our sales page yet, but have expressed interest in our biz op. Our ideal lead is a mid-to-high income male between the ages of 30 and 55 who is already running a successful business, but has not attained financial freedom. He's worried that he doesn't spend enough time with his family and that he'll never be able to retire comfortably.

He doesn't have a college degree or know much about Internet marketing, but he's a sharp guy with transferable skills from the world of traditional sales, such as the ability to make cold calls without pissing his pants.

We don't want desperate scrubs who are just looking for a way to "make money online" with no business experience because they're probably not going to be able to keep up with this program.

The video we mention in the e-mail just explains how the product works and gives a little information about the biz op. The video directly below it on the sales page is longer and tries to get people to sign up as distributors for the product. To sign up, distributors need a starter kit. Kits range from about $250 to $550.

Now, please spank me and tell me what a bad little copywriter I've been.
#cute #email #newb #rip #sales #shreds
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    I would suggest you test it.

    It reads as if you know a lot about your target market and how they feel.

    So test it, then try and beat those results. Some of your best work will come after you get the results from current work.

    You are not as dumb a liberal arts grad as you advertise.
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    • Profile picture of the author Written
      Thank you for the spankings and feedback

      Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord View Post

      Some of your best work will come after you get the results from current work.
      Thank you for this advice; I feel paralyzed sometimes and need to push myself to start testing.

      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Consider blind copy. Where you hint at the specific opportunity, but you don't pitch it directly. You tease them. Evoke curiousity.

      The goal here is to sell the click.

      Regardless of your basic strategy, your strategy should be to get people to visualize living the dream.

      And lastly, consider a campaign of several emails rather than just one. Unless it's a solo ad.
      This was hugely helpful! I really appreciate it. Since I had experience with writing sales pages but not these types of e-mails, I think I was trying to make the e-mail look like a sales page

      I rewrote the e-mail to be "blind," as you advised, and also much shorter, then showed it to the client. He was really happy and it looks like he wants to test both the new version and, for whatever reason, the old one side-by-side.

      I'm still trying to weave more of the dream in before we finalize it, but now I know where to go.

      Also, I think the client is sending a series of e-mails of which this will be the first, but I'm not sure yet. I should ask him.

      Originally Posted by wvcopywriter View Post

      Tell a story that you could tie into this product, get the prospect curiosity up.
      Thank you--I like the idea of telling the story of someone who achieved the dream.

      Originally Posted by thugpoet View Post

      wanna see myself being the oil and fuel tycoon that lives off higher gas prices. Feed me the dream
      I appreciate this advice. I'm going to try coming up with something motivational and inspiring to get the leads thirsty for the video.
      Signature

      "Pay bananas, expect monkeys." -John Moore

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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Originally Posted by Written View Post

    Hello, cruel world!

    I am a dumb liberal arts grad who has just written her first sales e-mail. I am hoping that you will be able to point and laugh at it, then tell me why it sucks
    Bend over.

    Whack!

    It sucks because you don't understand what goes on inside of a biz op prospect.

    Whack!

    You think they are going to be swayed reading just one email?

    Whack!

    You think they are impressed by your Client's money-making strategy?

    Whack!

    You think they care about your Client's POS gas additive they can get at Pep Boys?

    ROFLMAO

    - Rick Duris

    PS: You've been a very bad copywriter, haven't you? :rolleyes:

    PPS: Consider blind copy. Where you hint at the specific opportunity, but you don't pitch it directly. You tease them. Evoke curiousity.

    The goal here is to sell the click.

    Regardless of your basic strategy, your strategy should be to get people to visualize living the dream.

    And lastly, consider a campaign of several emails rather than just one. Unless it's a solo ad.
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author wvcopywriter
    I read your email. I liked the copy but I was intrigued enough to click any link. Lik Rick said you have to sell the click. I believe you put to much information in the email and not enough intrigue. People like stories. Tell a story that you could tie into this product, get the prospect curiosity up.
    Signature

    Don't have the time to write emails that will get opened, read and your reader to take action then leave me a message. I will get back to you within 48 hrs.

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  • Profile picture of the author mgreener
    At least the title of this thread kicks ass!
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      I didn't know you were into spanking Rick?

      Coolllll.

      How much do you charge for a good spanking over at your place?

      Count me in ya kinky little devil you, ooh la laaa.
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      • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
        Originally Posted by Mark Andrews View Post

        I didn't know you were into spanking Rick?

        Coolllll.
        you didn't?

        there's a reason Ricks a hermit who doesn't leave his layer.

        you think he spends all day trolling the warrior forum or giving good (talking) head on skype?

        nope, he's got a sub speciality in kicking ass of newbies.

        adam

        ps. my bite marks haven't healed yet

        pps: thank god they are in a place my clients can't see

        ppps: about the email, who is sending the email really matters. Is this a random person or a name brand pitching spending this?
        Signature

        The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients

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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Signature

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
    Where is the painted picture?? painted wanna see myself being the oil and fuel tycoon that lives off higher gas prices. Feed me the dream
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  • Profile picture of the author Rbtmarshall
    I don't know how to say it nicely.


    Reading the opening post and the pdf screams of arrogant spam to me


    this is what I remember of it before deleting the pdf:


    hey want to make money

    idiot

    dummy

    fool

    do you really want to make money
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    • Profile picture of the author verial
      Originally Posted by Rbtmarshall View Post

      I don't know how to say it nicely.


      Reading the opening post and the pdf screams of arrogant spam to me


      this is what I remember of it before deleting the pdf:


      hey want to make money

      idiot

      dummy

      fool

      do you really want to make money
      Social proof from a bully's perspective.
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    • Profile picture of the author Written
      Originally Posted by Rbtmarshall View Post

      Reading the opening post and the pdf screams of arrogant spam to me


      this is what I remember of it before deleting the pdf:


      hey want to make money

      idiot

      dummy

      fool

      do you really want to make money
      Oh là là, someone brought a studded paddle! Thank you for being honest

      Do you have any advice for how I could improve my copywriting?

      Originally Posted by LexiB View Post

      My suggestion to you would be to shorten it up quite a bit and introduce the video much sooner in the email.

      It also really depends on how you handled the list before this email was sent. If they are used to getting emails from you, you'll have a better result.
      Thanks for the feedback and suggestions. I did send a shorter version with the video introduced sooner to the client and will work on writing shorter, more focused e-mails for him from now on.

      I liked the example that you showed me, too. Now I see that this is more about building up curiosity than spittin' info at the leads.

      As for how the list was handled, it's the client who is taking care of that, so I'm not sure how he's running it. I'll ask him for more info next time I talk to him.
      Signature

      "Pay bananas, expect monkeys." -John Moore

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      • Profile picture of the author Rbtmarshall
        Originally Posted by Written View Post

        Oh là là, someone brought a studded paddle! Thank you for being honest

        Do you have any advice for how I could improve my copywriting?



        ...

        I cant really help you with advice. I'm still in the early stages of learning how to write convincing copy. Just giving my opinion, it's the only useful thing I can do in this section at the moment.

        I think you set the mood with the OP where you said something that it appears you are doing yourself:
        "We don't want desperate scrubs who are just looking for a way to "make money online" with no business experience because they're probably not going to be able to keep up with this program."

        Then I read the email, and it seemed like nothing more than a MLM biz-op for a product that I could find at the gas station for 4 bucks. It read like you were talking down to the readers as if they were peons; Yet In the OP you mention that your target is a successful business owner.
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  • Profile picture of the author LexiB
    I read the email and I think it's ok but it really depends on the prospects you are sending it to.

    I'm a student of Frank Kern and have used his email marketing strategies to make a pretty decent for myself. My suggestion to you would be to shorten it up quite a bit and introduce the video much sooner in the email.

    It also really depends on how you handled the list before this email was sent. If they are used to getting emails from you, you'll have a better result.

    Always write exactly how you talk.

    When all else fails...

    Hey,

    Yup, that's right...

    I LOVE HIGH GAS PRICES!

    Think I'm crazy? Most people do!

    Watch THIS VIDEO and I'll explain!

    (Name)

    PS - I'll be ripping this thing down pretty soon so watch the video now
    if it's still available.
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