Critique my site Please

This won't sell your product.

You are gonna have to work a lot harder to sell
your product at the price you are asking.

Sets off B.S detectors too with your headline about
sitting back and collecting the cash, your clearly
manipulative picture choice.

You've also neglected to argue for the benefits and
value of your product and thrown in a bunch of free
crap anybody with any savvy in IM will recognize as
devalued.

Scrap it and start over.

Not a bad attempt, but it "looks" pretty cheap. Is this someone else's program you are selling? Looks like you ripped of images off some other website, and then the ripped off images weren't even of good quality. It looks kind of like a used magazine.

If you improved the quality of images, it would probably look a lot better.

That's a really klunky ad. I'm not sure if it's salvageable.

Fuzzy icons from technical magazines or something.
Who is this for? Headline doesn't say.
How does top ranking mean money?
What's that cheezy picture doing there?
Is that the author in the picture? Why not show her face?
Date dropped in by Javascript. Am I really supposed to believe you wrote it today?
Weird double spaced paragraphs with lots of doodle space between them.
Inconsistent punctuation in the bullet points.
SEO is a jargon term used without definition. If someone knew what it stood for, they wouldn't need baby talk about how important search rankings are.
IBB is software. On the next screen, "IBB's software." So, the software's software? This makes no sense.
What are some tactics that don't work?
Where's the evidence that your approach does work?
Another round of bullets with a different set of inconsistent formatting.
Tiny little illegible chart showing that Pac-man is bigger than the forest.
Tested all over the world? This could just mean that three people in different time zones got a free review copy and didn't like it. In how many countries have people purchased the product?
"get...guaranteed" is a bizarre line to stand by itself.
Suddenly the price has to be cut with a lot of bonuses thrown in. Guess that means it must not be worth the original asking price.
Unclear if bonuses are downloads or come in a physical box.
Unclear if bonuses are books, software, coaching service, subscription or something else entirely.
Huge disclaimer on the page itself instead of on another page linked to the offer page.

I'd have never made it all the way through if not doing a review.

I don't see a trace of standard copywriting technique here, just a mismash of badly used, out of context "tricks."

Regards,
Allen

I'm amazed your user picture is still smiling after all that! What a trooper!

Well, for a first try it ain't a bad learning experience.

That may be, but it's a poor choice for a start in your online marketing career.

If you think about it, SEO is a central aspect of online marketing. This means the best of the best can afford to make a huge investment in understanding how it works, and in promoting their approaches. Even small percentages of the massive interest in this site is huge. That means it's fiercely contested, and you're bringing a teaspoon of sugar to the sharks' feeding frenzy.

No, not at all! You're getting your feet wet and that's fine. Try something different, in a niche outside of "how to make money online." For example, your ad might be able to make a big splash in the world of putting western Brisbane barber shops online. It also might be fine to sell a book of kangaroo photos to fanciers of travel books. Is there a smaller, more specialized niche that's interesting to you?

Regards,
Allen

I did not like the styling of the text on the sales page. You could work with three or four styles and make it more impactful.
Auriana, who writes 'Dear Marketing Friends"? Make the opener more friendly.

I liked the fact that you have provided references which can be accessed. You should increase the accent of that fact.

I hope you have found the wealthy solution and get super rich.

you should style your page. Again try to make some navigation(S), clear and simple. Long scrolls!!! I beg to disagree to that. Visitor will be lazy to scroll down much. You indicate all of your products (if im not mistaken) at your front page. I felt dizzy looking at them. Im too confused where i really should start reading????

Good, because I'm out of coffee table space.

I'm glad to discover that you're not giving up.

Regards,
Allen

Kudos on your first copywriting attempt. I agree that the entire copy needs to be completely rewritten.

Tell me... what are your current methods for learning the art of copy? Are you following certain copywriting books; other sales letters from Affiliate sites; or do you have a mentor? If not, you may consider getting one or all of these to jump-start your progression.

Good luck!

Auriana,

Congrats on getting your first page
finished, most never even get that
far with things.

You'll probably be better off calling
that a practice and trying again
though. Each salesletter you write
will be better than the last,
especially when you're starting
out.

Here's a quick tip for you though -
go with a non serif font for your
body copy, and narrow the main
table on the page to between
675 and 700 px.

It will look instantly better.

Next, hit up amazon.com and
buy some books on copy.

Good luck.

-David Raybould

That's a huge improvement, Auriana.

I'd still like to see something at the top indicating who this is for. "Dear online marketer," or whoever is your audience. Instead of "Top ten rankings with IBP," could the title be changed to "How to master the search engines" or something like that?

"Watch IBP deliver" made me look for the video to watch.

In the first few paragraphs, could you include some examples of successful businesses or third party statistics? Right now it reads like some unidentified person making proclamations. What backs up these claims?

I guess "when I submitted my first site" is a testimonial. It's confusing that it's not highlighted with different formatting. Also, the unhappy computer user with a stack of paper doesn't inspire a vision of what a happy day it will be when I use your system.

Black on dark blue is very hard to read and the big arrow looks like someone left doodle space by mistake.

is a feature before the benefit is sold. After explaining the importance of website rankings, well I need that to make money online, you need a transition paragraph that explains the way to do rankings is through optimization - a difficult process requiring a lot of personal time. Oh no, I'm doomed, that's complicated and time consuming... until now. Then it will make sense that you offer a proven website optimization tool. Hooray, technology to the rescue.

"IBP is... needs a closing quotation mark.

Before pitching the guarantee, you need to talk a bit about how nobody guarantees search engine results, either from hands on work or from software... until now.

Well if it's not that important, why did I just read a letter about how important it is?

The clump of icons and program names doesn't explain anything... it's a pile of features without any attached benefits.

Sprinkle the magazine rewards and prestigious users throughout the letter. That helps show that it's not just some dude blowing smoke.

I'd like to see the disclaimer moved to a separate page, linked just like the privacy policy.

You're on your way to a strong sales pitch.

Regards,
Allen

Hi Auriana,

just to add one point which I don't see mentioned in any of the critiques:

Your opt-in box is below the fold (quite some percentage of your visitors won't make it till there) and seems totally out of context. Why not let it appear as a popup, maybe a few seconds after entering your site? Then everybody will see it, it doesn't disrupt the flow of your page content anymore and you have a better chance to at least get some more subscribers to your list.

Good luck
Klaus

Hi Auriana,

Here are my pros.
Good use of testimonials.
Good use of Awards.
Nice job in putting it into action

Cons.
Your copy is boring. I recommend that you tell a story on how this helped you.
Your Headline is not attention grabbing. Sorry but it lacks a speed bump.
"Revolutionary tool that helps..."
"Your about to discover the secret that most IM'ers will never know about..."
Work on your "Call to action"
Your "Order Now 100% Risk Free" button should be changed.
Statistically, a yellow "add to cart" button converts better. But you can test it out.
Even a larger Yellow button will be statistically better.

I know this sounds cheesy but its about sales.

Good job on taking action.
Hope this helps.

I like it, but the only thing I would change is maybe put your offer to buy up higher in the page as well because you do have to scroll through and read a bunch of stuff to get the where you buy it and I think not everyone will want to read all of that.