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My first sales letter

by Michael Forey
12 replies
OK I am going to break down and ask you to please review my sales page as well. I know your time and expertise is valuable and appreciate your genorocity.

I know a lot of people have made this request I have read them all and tried to incorporate all of your previous advise into this sales letter.

My URL is Email Marketing Success Secrets

I still have to design the ebook cover.

Thanks in advance for all your helpful feedback.

Michael Forey
#letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Michael Forey
    Will somone please review my salesletter?
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    • Profile picture of the author ndcole78
      Your headline needs a lot of work. You have less than 10 seconds to gain the attention of visitors to your site and your headline is the first thing that they'll read. If your headline doesn't make them want to read more, then they're gone just like I was.
      I didn't read anymore after your headline.

      I was struggling to see what you're trying to say--I have an idea of what you were trying to say--only because I'm a copywriter, but for most people, your headline won't cut it.
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      • Profile picture of the author zapseo
        Your sales page is rather confusing.

        There's an art to handling detail without it overwhelming the reader.
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        • Profile picture of the author Michael Forey
          Thank You!!

          Is this headline better?


          Instantly explode your email marketing using the same strategies I use to acheive a blistering 27% opt in rate and a 90% click through rate!

          Thanks
          Michael
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          • Profile picture of the author JaredKels
            Keep up the good work!
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            • Profile picture of the author zapseo
              I know it's not popular -- but I like to use the "breath" test with a headline.

              IOW -- can I say the headline aloud in one breath without turning blue?

              Or, at least, if I have to take a breath, did the writer give me a good place to rest and motive to continue on?

              Your proposed headline is a run-on sentence and very difficult to parse.

              Headlines need, not just a "spoonful of sugar" -- they need the best of silky, smoothily presented information so that it simply glides down into the reader's brain, with the reader finding themselves half down the sales page before they even realize what happened.

              Live JoyFully!

              Judy Kettenhofen, Profit Strategist/Copywriter
              NextDay Copy
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              Speed Read Copy -- 97% Off Value -- RAVE Reviews!
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              • Profile picture of the author Zachary R. Skinner
                It's weird, your headline and sub headline are backwards.

                Your sub headline is a shock statement while your main headline elaborates.

                Try this instead:

                Struggling Internet Marketer cracks the code and reveals once and for all...

                "A step-by-step blueprint to instantly explode your opt-in rate and turn your email list into a pack of rabid buyers who will order from you again and again!!"

                In just minutes from now, you'll uncover TOP SECRET email marketing strategies that will quadruple your internet profits today and cause a tsunami like surge in your bank account!


                That might work a tiny bit better than what you have now.
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                "The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do"
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                • Profile picture of the author Michael Forey
                  My sincere thanks for all your help!!!
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                  • Profile picture of the author Ricter
                    My feelings, presented rhetorically:

                    I know nothing about email marketing, I don't do any email marketing, so your product is of no use to me, right?

                    I cannot "quadruple" my email sales income, since it's $0. So, your product is of no use to me, right?

                    The big thing right now is "multiple, small streams of income" from internet marketing. Will your product enable one of those small streams, for me? How big could it be, and what are my odds?

                    "Opt-in" appears very early in your ad. What's that? I guess your product is more for the "guys in the know", not me...


                    Tit for tat, how's my critique?
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                    • Profile picture of the author Michael Forey
                      OK I tried to take everyone's input and came up with:

                      Email Marketing Success Secrets

                      Thanks again for your help, I think this should be eaiser to follow!!

                      Thanks
                      Michael Forey
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                      • Profile picture of the author Michael Forey
                        Thanks again for all your help. I have gone through this now four or five times. If you could give me any feed back I would appreciate it. I know the hook and transition are ok. I think the flow is now a lot better, just not sure of my subheads through out the letter.

                        Thanks
                        Mike
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                        • Profile picture of the author Ronwag
                          Hi Michael;
                          I'm no great copywriter, but I think you are getting the idea, you said you've been over it several times. Try several times more, then sleep on it, and read it again tomorrow morning, then go over it again. I would guess you would make some improvements every time. Be patient! A few extra days will be nothing when you put the letter up and watch those sales come in.
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