Looking for a critique with my first WSO copy

Okay. You're a designer. Lead with designs. It doesn't matter how good or bad your copy is because people looking for designers want to know two things:

1. What does his work look like
2. How much does it cost

That's it. Of course, you want to tell them you'll work to please them and how many drafts they're going to get and all the rest of it. You should also put up some testimonials if you have them. But get that text down and out of the way and put your absolute best design work up top. Good luck.

Hi Adrian,

here are my suggestions:

I really liked the way the piece starts FACT. That gripped me. I've put some ideas which I would do if I was rewriting my own work. For me it gives it more immediacy; more tightness you know?


Will your visitors be captivated and drawn into your website? And will the [professionalism of your design] earn their trust when it's time to reach for their credit card? Somehow I'd like to shorten the bit in brackets but I don't feel strongly about it.

Hi! Adrian Norman here, creative director of Norman Creative - a digital consultancy based down here in Melbourne, Australia. And I'm here to share with you the years of digital agency and design experience both myself and my team share - for your own website. [ Please make this sentence shorter: Ref: 'ideal sentence length' in Google/Bing]

But first, let me just show you some of the major clients me and my crack-team of designers [and developers - deleting this makes for (again) tighter copy in my opinion. Unless it's 'life or death' I'd leave it out]have provided work for ['worked with'?]:







These include:

• Peugeot (no explanation necessary)
• The University of Melbourne (Australia's top-ranked University by Times Higher Education)[ I'd put a full stop after University or re-phrase it in some way...]
• Coles (one of Australia's largest supermarkets with 741 stores nationally and more than 100,000 employees)
• Priceline Australia (a chain of health and beauty retailers with over 330 stores nationally)
• Disney (again, no explanation necessary)

Having worked with both major brands, small businesses and personal web masters, I'm 100% confident that we'll provide you with a high-quality visual solution - whether you're in need of a new logo, website, product cover, Facebook design or whatever it may be - that will both amaze your visitors and boost your credibility and reputation.[This sentence is very long - see the reference I put earlier]

But don't just take my word for it. Here's a few samples of our work to date: [Here are just a few examples of our work to date:]


Anyway, it's your shout of course. I hope there's something of use in what I wrote.
And good on you having the courage to post your creation here...Good luck

Free critique. Giving you three points:

1. Watch how you cut up your headline. On first look, it appears that you are the only agency--impressive indeed!

2. "Take advantage." Too general. What do I gain from "taking advantage?" Change it to a specific outcome.

3. You're no master of copywriting. Your copy is boring. I think most people will skip past the text and go directly to the pictures. Your pics are impressive. Put them after the headline, and then do whatever explaining you feel is necessary.

Peace.

OK, here it goes, thoughts in a random order:

Agency quality design doesn’t mean a lot for most people. Instead most people are after design that impress or convert.
We already are on the Warrior Forum, don’t need to specify it twice.
English is not my first language but the grammar in the headline seems weird, maybe you can express yourself in a different way, especially the “check out our clients”.
Your fact is not related to designs. It would be a good fact for a online reputation check service but not for designs.
Get to the point in the lead, you are trying to appear too sophisticated. I would delete everything before “Hi, my name is”.
I would move the designs and the credibility elements first. Also, saying that you’ve worked for them but not saying how or where (I guess you have a NDA) is more harm than good.
You can do a better price comparison like how much it costs this vs. DesignCrowd or 99Designs.
Reason why for the discount, promotion, however you want to call it.
Reason why it paid $$$$ to their account, reason why the lowest costing was $1000 … reason why your logo will help them achieve success … reason why there are only 10 spots available … reason why it’s on a first come, first served basis.

Thanks,
Razvan

Just glanced at it for about 5 seconds.

You must be somewhat of a natural because your headline has a nice USP: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE ONLY AGENCY-QUALITY DESIGN SERVICE ON THE WARRIOR FORUMS... JUST CHECK OUT OUR CLIENTS!

Now show them some great samples and don't make them PM you to order. Let them buy on the spot through an order button while they're warm.

It won't be the greatest sales page in the world, but it should at least make sales.