Rip me a new one please

by 2 replies
3
Well, I'm working on the sales page of my first product. I'm really inexperienced with this whole copywriting thing, but I'm trying to learn.

What I know is that you should have a good headline that really grabs attention. That you should have a good story. Create urgency, which I'm not sure if I accomplished that.

I just need someone to tell me if I'm even going in the wrong direction. And if they're in a good mood, rip right into it and let me know what they think.

I have two different versions, but I guess they're practically the same.

temp2

temp1

They're sorta the same, but I think temp2 is probably the best of the two.

It is greatly appreciated if anyone could take a look at them.
#copywriting #rip
  • The problem here is you've got no believability that 1) It worked for you 2) It'll work for anyone else

    It's all claims and no proof. At very least you need a before and after picture of you.

    Then you need to get people to try the product and get their testimonials.

    You have got to explain what your method is, and why it's different.

    This "my story" stuff is the most overused, misunderstood, and frankly lame method out there. The market is saturated. You have no method or "reason why" you're different from the average of four previous diets the reader has failed with.

    Here's how it's done...

    You're too concerned with "giving it away" to provide the slightest bit of persuasive information. All the example given above does is give it away -- it's loaded with exactly how and why.

    Yet you still have to buy the product to get the benefit.

    Unfortunately it doesn't close the deal, but this is a fair opener that gets to the point. Everything is related back to wrinkle reduction. It's not rambling all over the place. Let's examine this more closely...

    ....Science has never disputed
    .... began teaching facial fitness in the late 1970's.
    ....Considering the fact
    ....many studies are documenting the effect of resistance training on the face.

    Belief structure built in the first sentence of every paragraph -- textbook Eugene Schwartz. Then we get "Some might ask, what does facial muscle strength have to do with lifting and firming the face?" Which brings up a likely objection -- then answers the objection in the same paragraph. At no point is there doubt about the writer's belief in the product. The writer is raising and resolving your doubt as the reader.

    All yours does is make baseless claims and ask for blind trust ...it ain't gonna happen. I get a lot of lack of belief in your product from not giving me any information -- the only clear message is you've got lots to hide.

    The diet market is filled with a lot of savvy people hiring top gun copywriting talent. You've picked a tough market to get into and you'll have to improve by several orders of magnitude to do so-so.

    Right now I don't get the idea you believe in the product yourself. Why should anyone else?
    • [1] reply
    • Thanks for the reply John. It's greatly appreciated.

      It's my first time at this, so I'm going to work to improve this.
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    Rip me a new one please

    Well, I'm working on the sales page of my first product. I'm really inexperienced with this whole copywriting thing, but I'm trying to learn. What I know is that you should have a good headline that really grabs attention. That you should have a good story. Create urgency, which I'm not sure if I accomplished that.