How About Critiquing Me? (Services Letter for My Wife)

Irish Intuition

12 years ago

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Troy Boyd

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Irish Intuition

What's the deal with the spacing between sentences (some being one word)?

Makes it easier on the eyes. Less intimidating.

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Irish Intuition 12 years ago

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- Troy Boyd 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Irish Intuition
  
  That is ridicules...
  
  Oh I'm sorry...I get "ridicules" sometimes.
  
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- copyassassin 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Irish Intuition
  
  That is ridicules...
  
  Mark Andrews leaves, and Paul Mcquillan comes back.
  
  the universe is funny.
  
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  Mark Pescetti 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by copyassassin
  
  Mark Andrews leaves, and Paul Mcquillan comes back.
  
  the universe is funny.
  
  My mom always uses the word "universe" too.
  
  I once had her replace it with Jesus.
  
  Turned into a funny conversation.
  
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Alex Cohen

12 years ago

Without knowing your totally unique Number Combination that unlocks your powerful Life Purpose, your life feels like it’s always in shambles.

The beauty is…

When You Decode & Discover Your Life Purpose;
Everything Makes Sense

(You absolutely can have everything you want & dream of, quickly.)

It's amazing that people actually believe that drivel.

Alex

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1 reply

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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

It's amazing that people actually believe that drivel.

Alex

Yeah, it's amazing how some people are open to utilizing ancient practices to enhance thier lives.

Weird.

P.S. Ever heard of talking to your market in ways they'll respond to?

Brace yourself... this isn't about you.

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Alex Cohen 12 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

P.S. Ever heard of talking to your market in ways they'll respond to?

Braise yourself... this isn't about you.

Obviously I am... my response clearly included the words, "people actually believe".

Alex
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BudaBrit

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

Yeah, it's amazing how some people are open to utilizing ancient practices to enhance thier lives.

Weird.

P.S. Ever heard of talking to your market in ways they'll respond to?

Braise yourself... this isn't about you.

I'd rather not, actually.

Thanks

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Steve The Copywriter

12 years ago

Would a few testimonials and a "guarantee" help persuade the good people to buy?

Or have you "tested" this - and found it better not to have them?

Steve

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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

Would a few testimonials and a "guarantee" help persuade the good people to buy?

Or have you "tested" this - and found it better not to have them?

Steve

Right...

I haven't added the testimonials yet.

My wife will go through it, design the headlines in photoshop, add the testimonials, create it's own header (I just used the one from her main site) and add a fixed background image.

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expresswriters

12 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti

Right...

I haven't added the testimonials yet.

My wife will go through it, design the headlines in photoshop, add the testimonials, create it's own header (I just used the one from her main site) and add a fixed background image.

Another husband/wife team?

Me and my hubs do SEO and copywriting together. Well, it's mostly copywriting, but hey we can project together and work together. It's AWESOME.

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Steve The Copywriter

12 years ago

...and a guarantee?

Steve

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copyassassin 12 years ago

on a serious note, I didn't see any history on why wife is so awesome at what she does.

what does she do differently?

how many people has she helped.
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Don Schenk

12 years ago

Mark,

As I read I kept thinking this is written for people who already know what numerology is, and know how it works. They would already have had their numbers read, or done, or whatever a numerologist does. If so, they would already know their "purpose," and not need their numbers read again.

How about a little information as to what numerolgy is, how it works, why a reader would need an expert numerologist, how complicated numerology is, why they can't read their own numbers, and a little proof it works.

:-Don

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gjabiz

12 years ago

Don Schenk brings up a valid point.

Who are on these lists? Just guessing it might be inquiries into numerology or any of the "esoteric" mysteries. Or Buyers of these services, or compiled from somewhere.

If they are already buyers as Don points out, this copy probably would not interest them, unless, you addressed this in your deck copy...
********
Even if you know your NUMBER COMBINATION there is important news regarding your life purpose you need to know today...
****** type of approach, addressing the person with some knowledge or a past buyer of services.

IF they are seekers, then there isn't any big promise, other than making sense...seekers don't want to make sense, they want...love, power or money and inside secret information that only they think they know. Self actualization is a cousin to esoteric and arcane.

So, my mantra, once again, is there isn't much to go on with your copy as far as offering an informed critique without knowing WHO is receiving the message and where they came from.

That being said, a simpler headline might cut to the chase, again, depending on target... something like...

Unlock Your Full Potential with the Right Combination.

You know you have not fully realized your potential, but do you know how you can?

You simply have to align the right numbers until you hear the click and the lock opens and your life purpose becomes clear. Here's how;

****
But again, copy comes after a clearly defined target, what you wrote might be perfect for those on your lists, we have no way of knowing.

gjabiz

Originally Posted by Don Schenk

Mark,

As I read I kept thinking this is written for people who already know what numerology is, and know how it works. They would already have had their numbers read, or done, or whatever a numerologist does. If so, they would already know their "purpose," and not need their numbers read again.

How about a little information as to what numerolgy is, how it works, why a reader would need an expert numerologist, how complicated numerology is, why they can't read their own numbers, and a little proof it works.

:-Don

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1 reply

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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

Originally Posted by gjabiz

Don Schenk brings up a valid point.

Who are on these lists? Just guessing it might be inquiries into numerology or any of the "esoteric" mysteries. Or Buyers of these services, or compiled from somewhere.

If they are already buyers as Don points out, this copy probably would not interest them, unless, you addressed this in your deck copy...

The best list we blast is her own.

People who have opted into her main website, but failed to pull the trigger.

They already know about Numerology, and typically, just need a budge.

I'm going to take the $200 program off and just focus on the package. That will give me the ability to engage in the "accountability" conversation. (Which is a key selling point to any coaching program.)

Originally Posted by gjabiz

IF they are seekers, then there isn't any big promise, other than making sense...seekers don't want to make sense, they want...love, power or money and inside secret information that only they think they know. Self actualization is a cousin to esoteric and arcane.

Great point. And you're right. They does need to be a big promise.

That's the exact perspective I was looking for. I tend to get too abstract when writing in the metaphysical world. It's not something I enjoy doing. But the last letter I did brought over $20,000. So the carrot to make this strong is definitely there.

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expresswriters

12 years ago

Actually, the one good thing about your piece is that it is very direct. Sometimes you need this when you're talking to your audience. ESPECIALLY if you're offering life help/advice. There's no better message for these type of people than a very direct one. So on that note, you've written a good piece.

My only word of note:

I would just rearrange your call to action. I was still scratching my head about what you were offering halfway through the page. You need to come out and say who you are sooner.

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SashaLee

12 years ago

Hi there,

It seems to me some posts have been removed from this thread (IrishIntuition, CopyNazi)

Why is that? Did the numerology demons zap their posts?

All the best,

Sasha

Thanks
2 replies

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by SashaLee

Hi there,

It seems to me some posts have been removed from this thread (IrishIntuition, CopyNazi)

Why is that? Did the numerology demons zap their posts?

All the best,

Sasha

I deleted mine. It was unnecessarily nasty.

Thanks

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RickDuris

12 years ago

Without knowing your totally unique Number Combination that unlocks your powerful Life Purpose, your life feels like it’s always in shambles.

The beauty is…

When You Decode & Discover Your Life Purpose; Everything Makes Sense

(You absolutely can have everything you want & dream of, quickly.)

----

1. I think the piece needs to be clearer, stronger and more compelling, in terms of benefits offered and tugging at the heartstrings.

"your life feels like it's in shambles"? Who cares about "my life" feeling anything, I'm the one who feels. (It's almost like you're using disassociation intentionally. Why?)

"Everything makes sense"? That's the pay off? That's the big promise? BFD. Too brain-based. Too generic. Lacks curiousity as well.

And why did you put the word 'absolutely' in the subhead? Made me think you think I doubted whether that was possible for me. (But I like the promise overall.)

----

2. After the headline and subheads, I think you can get to the point faster. Definitely cut the economy stuff. But I would challenge every line, every paragraph, whether they're essential. A lot can be cut in the beginning.

-----

3. I think the offers are inappropriate. $200 with no prior knowledge of Natalie?

I'm not doubting the value. I'm doubting whether you've built up enough trust, enough prestige, enough contrast, enough takeaway benefits, enough authority to command $200 from someone they never heard of, reading the piece one time.

----

4. Maybe I'm wrong, but the entire piece feels like you're preaching to me. Has righteous tone. Maybe if you added a story you could soften it.

----

5. I don't know where you're gonna get your traffic specifically, but I'd be very curious about it. What may happen is you'll attract people who want to learn about numerology (like how to do it), NOT necessarily using numerology to improve their own life.

- Rick Duris

PS: Just as a FYI: I'm partners in a high-ticket offline NLP and hypnosis training center. What's really curious that I didn't know in the beginning, is that when people sign-up to learn how to use NLP & hypnosis as clinical therapy, what they really want in the training is how to improve/fix themselves.

I'm saying that because maybe you may want to test making a lower priced introductory information product offer (establishing subject matter authority and such), then stair step them quickly into working personally with an expert.

Something to think about.

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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

[CENTER]
"your life feels like it's in shambles"? Who cares about "my life" feeling anything, I'm the one who feels. (It's almost like you're using disassociation intentionally. Why?)

"Everything makes sense"? That's the pay off? That's the big promise? BFD. Too brain-based. Too generic. Lacks curiousity as well.

In the new age community, a lot of people use the "my reality, my life, create my reality" type language. Is there disassociation involved? Yes. I'm just matching the way I see a lot of people in the spiritual community talk. And having grown up around it, I'm confident it'll fly. Of course, I haven't touched the copy since I wrote it on Sunday. So I'm sure plenty will change.

Originally Posted by RickDuris

3. I think the offers are inappropriate. $200 with no prior knowledge of Natalie?

I'm not doubting the value. I'm doubting whether you've built up enough trust, enough prestige, enough contrast, enough takeaway benefits, enough authority to command $200 from someone they never heard of, reading the piece one time.

The majority of money will be made from her own list - where prospects already know her. However, I also want to hit a few other lists that don't, so I'll have to infuse some of her story in there. I also might do a squeeze page and put some stuff up on Adwords. So I'll definitely have to qualify her more to have any chance of converting cold traffic.

Originally Posted by RickDuris

5. I don't know where you're gonna get your traffic specifically, but I'd be very curious about it. What may happen is you'll attract people who want to learn about numerology (like how to do it), NOT necessarily using numerology to improve their own life.

That's been an on-going problem.

Originally Posted by RickDuris

PS: Just as FYI: I'm partners in an high-ticket offline NLP and Hypnosis training center. What's really curious that I didn't know in the beginning, is that when people sign-up to learn how to use NLP & Hypnosis as clinical therapy, what they really want in the training is how to improve/fix themselves.

I'm saying that because maybe you may want to test making a lower priced introductory information product offer (establishing subject matter authority and such), then stair step them quickly into working personally with an expert.

Something to think about.

She's actually writing a separate letter that does just that.

Thanks Rick. Great feedback.

Thanks

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travlinguy

12 years ago

I don't know who this is written for but it appears that you, perhaps unconsciously, feel they have at least a little background in metaphysics. As I'm sure you're aware, selling the "finding your life's purpose" notion to most people is tough so maybe they need a little previous conditioning.

I often bring it up on the main board when people ask what they should be selling. The responses run from mild agreement to "that purpose BS is heresy." Of course, finding a profitable niche and milking it for all it's worth is the right answer. :rolleyes:

I find the single sentence paragraph really annoying. I know you write most of your posts that way and most likely your copy as well. And since I like where you're coming from more often than not I'll read it. But for me it slows the pace down too much. There are too many short stops and pauses I guess. I get the urge to shout and say, "I'm not a child. Lemme see the goods already." And I'm not a really fast reader either.

It would be interesting to find out what testing has showed over this style and a more conventional writing/formatting approach.

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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

Originally Posted by travlinguy

I don't know who this is written for but it appears that you, perhaps unconsciously, feel they have at least a little background in metaphysics. As I'm sure you're aware, selling the "finding your life's purpose" notion to most people is tough so maybe they need a little previous conditioning.

I only have people with a metaphysical background in mind. I've never thought about going after people who aren't already preconditioned in new age type stuff with a services page. However, once she writes a product that I can put up on Clickbank, I'll be all over it.

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BrianMcLeod

12 years ago

Hey Mark,

Quick feedback without a careful read through - the overall tone feels sorta preachy and mildly condescending to me.

Just noting that if the audience is not already familiar with Natalie, it may come off a bit too aloof and a little "better than you".

Maybe look for opportunities to include and invite rather than demonstrate greater mastery, if that makes sense. Bring 'em inside, rather than blow them away.

Best,

Brian

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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

I think once her story is in there, it'll soften the rest.

I didn't interview her before writing the piece and it needs more of her natural voice.

That'll soften it too and make the copy feel more inviting.

Thanks Brian.

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ewenmack 12 years ago

I can see the reader asking herself, "But how does this relate to me?"

I would imagine she has unanswered questions in her life
which she wants resolving.

Not a life of prosperity, but there's something gnawing
away at her.

It could be why a relationship ended the way it did and what she did wrong
to get into this mess.

It could be a death which she has a hard time to recover.

If you can tie what she offers into her readers life situation,
then it becomes relevant and acted upon to close the loop,
the missing piece to her answer she seeks.

Just need to make it specific enough to be relevant,
yet not too much to exclude.

Best,
Ewen
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max5ty

12 years ago

Like a lot of your writing, I thought your thoughts seemed to go round and round in circles many times... made my head spin.

All this one word per sentence stuff is disturbing. I think you're trying to go for some magical impact by trying to get the reader to pause, but it's annoying to most.

In my opinion, your letter will only work on a very targeted audience that usually buys without trying to understand anything they read.

Thanks

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RickDuris

12 years ago

This is nowhere near ready for prime time, but it's what I woke up thinking about.

----

My name's Natalie and I've got your number.

Let me be more accurate. I know how to GET your number. [<--optional.]

No, I'm not an identify thief or a hacker. The truth is the number I'm talking about is way MORE IMPORTANT than your Social Security Number, your bank account # and your driver's license number--COMBINED.

In fact, this number has dictated your past, controls your present and determines your future.

In short, this ONE number RULES your life. NOTHING is outside its grasp.

When you don't know it? You're rudderless. You feel powerless.

Life's a chore. Progress is painful. Your life's purpose forever remains a mystery.

[twist the knife even more, build up the curiousity]

But when you know your number--and are able to use its infinite power to your advantage? ANYTHING (and everything) is possible.

Life's a blessing. There's opportunity galore.

[Future pace like crazy all areas of life.]

Oprah knows her number. So does Michelle Obama and Lady Gaga. [I made those up. But you get the idea. You probably have your own.]

[Talk about not just knowing the number, but how to ACCURATELY interpret it. How experience and wisdom are essential. This is where you introduce Natalie's services.]

----

I think the beginning structure is there.

- Rick Duris

PS: Maybe you can do a play on Lords of the Rings' "One Ring to Rule Them All":

"One Number to Rule Them All"

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max5ty

12 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

This is nowhere near ready for prime time, but it's what I woke up thinking about.

----

My name's Natalie and I've got your number.

Let me be more accurate. I know how to GET your number. [<--optional.]

No, I'm not an identify thief or a hacker. The truth is the number I'm talking about is way MORE IMPORTANT than your Social Security Number, your bank account # and your driver's license number--COMBINED.

In fact, this number has dictated your past, controls your present and determines your future.

In short, this ONE number RULES your life. There's NOTHING outside it's grasp.

When you don't know it? You're rudderless. You feel powerless.

Life's a chore. Progress is painful. Your life's purpose forever remains a mystery.

[twist the knife even more, build up the curiousity]

But when you know your number--and are able to use it's infinite power to your advantage? ANYTHING (and everything) is possible.

Life's a blessing. Opportunities abound.

[Future pace like crazy all areas of life.]

Oprah knows her number. So does Michelle Obama and Lady Gaga. [I made those up. But you get the idea. You probably have your own.]

[Talk about not just knowing the number, but how to ACCURATELY interpret it. How experience and wisdom are essential. This is where you introduce Natalie's services.]

----

I think the beginning structure is there.

- Rick Duris

Not bad for a beginner

Better than your humpty dumpty stuff.

I think you'll turn out to be ok as a copywriter... we'll see.

Thanks

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Mark Pescetti

12 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

My name's Natalie and I've got your number.

Let me be more accurate. I know how to GET your number. [<--optional.]

No, I'm not an identify thief or a hacker. The truth is the number I'm talking about is way MORE IMPORTANT than your Social Security Number, your bank account # and your driver's license number--COMBINED.

In fact, this number has dictated your past, controls your present and determines your future.

In short, this ONE number RULES your life. NOTHING is outside its grasp.

When you don't know it? You're rudderless. You feel powerless.

Life's a chore. Progress is painful. Your life's purpose forever remains a mystery.

[twist the knife even more, build up the curiousity]

But when you know your number--and are able to use its infinite power to your advantage? ANYTHING (and everything) is possible.

Life's a blessing. There's opportunity galore.

[Future pace like crazy all areas of life.]

Oprah knows her number. So does Michelle Obama and Lady Gaga. [I made those up. But you get the idea. You probably have your own.]

[Talk about not just knowing the number, but how to ACCURATELY interpret it. How experience and wisdom are essential. This is where you introduce Natalie's services.]

I adore the angle Rick.

I have some time today to change up the hook and add some relevance to the piece.

Your insired thought is appreciated.

Consider it swiped.

Marcello Francesco

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How About Critiquing Me? (Services Letter for My Wife)

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