Need Advice with Copy

13 replies
Hey Guys,

I've been away from this board for a number of days (actually for a few weeks). I've been dealing with health issues.

I'm back now. I have a request to make. Can you review the copy below and tell me what you think about it. Is it good? What kind of improvements would you recommend to make it stronger? Provide examples, please.

I have attached the document as it is about 8 Word pages.

You can send comments to me privately, if you wish, or just reply to this post.

Thanks for your help and advice.

Harry
#advice #copy
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Here's some quick thoughts:

    Why should I believe a single thing the copy says?

    The bullets are boring.

    The writing's poor.

    And it's completely generic, like a fill-in-the-blanks template, it seems to have been written without a second thought to the ideal prospect.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author DanteRomero
      It's best to go back to basics, mate. Have a look at this post:

      The Gary Halbert Letter

      I'd recommend doing as halbert advises in that post. Without that, or a similar foundation, it's difficult to put out a good ad.

      That being said, I salute you for giving it a shot. That's the way to do it. You only learn by getting behind the wheel.

      Best Wishes, Mate,
      Dante
      Signature

      "Perfection isn't important. Improvement is."

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      • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
        Hey Guys, this is a template response. It was sent to me by a client. I just wanted to find out what areas were good and what was bad. The client requested I re-write this copy. I am going to do that, but thought I would get some feedback about the copy first to find out what copy I could keep and what to discard.

        By the way, instead of sending me to places where I can learn copywriting (I already have the best course in the world sitting on my desktop - am just beginning to read it now), I was hoping for examples of the bad copy highlighted, and the good copy written after it, so I can compare copy.

        Thanks again.
        Signature

        -----------------------------------------------------------
        Harry Husted
        http://www.creatingwords.com
        With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

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        • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
          Originally Posted by hhhusted View Post

          Hey Guys, this is a template response. It was sent to me by a client. I just wanted to find out what areas were good and what was bad. The client requested I re-write this copy. I am going to do that, but thought I would get some feedback about the copy first to find out what copy I could keep and what to discard.
          So, in other words, you wanted us to tell you what the client paid you to KNOW?

          30 lashes with a wet noodle, Harry!

          Just kidding (sorta)

          Brian <-- just back from Raleigh and feeling feisty
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          • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
            I already know what to say, I just figured there may be some copywriters with more training and experience that can pinpoint the bad and the good, so when I write the copy, I can compare what I write with what one of you wrote, just to see if I am in the ballpark.

            However, I just received links to such books in the bodybuilding niche and read some of the sales letters. I have an idea of what I need to do now.

            Thanks anyway. Hope your trip was good.
            Signature

            -----------------------------------------------------------
            Harry Husted
            http://www.creatingwords.com
            With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Hey Harry,

    Welcome back.

    Take a look at these 5 or 6 products in the bodybuilding/steroid niche...
    and see how it differs from what you've written.

    That will answer your own question whether the copy you have is good
    or bad!

    Products - OTS Direct - Body Building and Weight Lifting Resource
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    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      Thanks Shawn. I'll check out the links.

      Have a good one.
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

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  • Profile picture of the author betterwtveter
    Sorry it looks no good, you should probably look at starting over or hire someone else to do it.
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    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      For those that degraded the copy, can you tell me why?
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

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  • Profile picture of the author JoeStalin
    My opinion:

    Even the first page of this letter doesn't really flow:

    Attention Bodybuilders: If you are trying to develop a great body- the body you always wanted - but find it is taking longer than you’d like, there is great news…

    Learn How to Use Steroids in Such a Way So You End Up With The Body You Always Wanted - Safely!

    Learn the Real Truth Behind Steroid Use that the Media Doesn’t Want You To Know!

    From Marquis:

    RE: Learn Secrets of Steroid Training That Experts Don’t Want You to Know About!

    "Use Steroids in Such a Way
    " - Ew. Just awkward.

    So the lead-in just sucks.

    Now the copy:

    If looking at the pictures makes you drool, guess what, you can have that kind of body.

    I know it seems like it is taking forever to achieve that. What if I told you that you can get that body faster, without doing any damage to your body.

    Yes, you can actually gain muscle mass and have a perfectly healthy body as well. I’ll tell you how to do that shortly
    Just "blech". No energy to it. Not even proper punctuation (should be a question mark after the word "body".)

    And the first sentence about the body making the reader drool makes me cringe.

    You can actually develop a good healthy body as you saw in the pictures above. The only reason you aren’t there now, is because of the hype you heard or read in the media, about the bad things dealing with steroid use.
    I am here to lay those fears to bed. Before I describe why you shouldn’t listen to the hype from the media, let me tell you a story about how I eventually used steroids and the results of doing so.
    I've always been a sports guy.
    Yawn. Who is the speaker and why does he matter? Why should the reader give a damn about the writer's autobiography? It's so context-less.

    Harry, since you're an experienced copywriter, surely you can take the idea that this lame letter struggles to express and give it wings.

    The main problem I see here is poor flow to the letter. It has poor rhythm. It just feels off and it does not read smoothly or easily.

    As it is, this letter is poorly written junk. Trust your instincts.
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    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      Yeah, I thought the same thing. I knew it needed work. I just wanted a second opinion.

      Thanks for your comments.
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

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  • Profile picture of the author squadron
    Here's a shorter and punchier version of the main headline:

    Learn Safe Steroid Use and Get The Body You Always Wanted
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    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      Thanks for your suggestion. I re-did the guy's sales letter and sent it to him. He loved it and is now using it. Only time will tell if the copy will work or not. He told me he'll keep in touch and let me know if the copy works or not.
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

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