B2B Sales Page need a critique please

11 replies
The site is http://www.lower-work-comp.com

Before you view it let me give you some background on the target audience. This is a B2B service that is focused on business owners, CEOs, CFOs, and any high level decision maker. The business size would be between $1.5M and $100M+ in revenues.

So don't review it as a B2C sales page.

Just a quick mention on the layout. I broke the pages up only because I'm hoping not to overwhelm the reader and get them to read more of the content. For me I can't stand long sales pages. And since I am a business owner and other owners I have known tend to be very pragmatic and analytical we don't like our time wasted. With that said, I will be testing both ways.

Any tips or comments about the layout or wording would be great. No criticism is to harsh.

Thanks in advance.
#b2b #critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
    Hi Jericho,

    Here are a few of my thoughts on your B2B salespage:

    * For your headlines and subheads, I'd make them a serif font. I like the way you have the headlines in dark red - not as overwhelming as screaming bright-red. And the quotes are good. But the words are rather tired - this smacks of a swipe. Savvy big-business owners will spot this a mile away. The concept is good - just put it in your own words.

    * The headlines are also a tad too general. "Chances Are..." could mean anything. Maybe "Up to 29% (or more).." basically says the same thing but at least seems to be more specific.

    * Your guarantee is great. But the subhead below your headline is not the place to introduce it. Instead, wait till at least half-way if not ¾ way through your copy. Use this as a knock-out confirmation punch to justify the sale.

    * I like the way you are using short paragraphs and frequent bolded subheads. Nicely done, easy on computer-screen-reading eyeballs.

    * You very much need images. And you need to work harder painting a picture of the problem before introducing the solution.

    *You also need to provide proof that your company is THE only solution to the owner's problem.

    * I like your blue-arrow bullets and the way you present your testimonials. Nicely done.

    * To me, you need to be extremely careful asking questions, especially in headers/subheads. If you MUST use a question, try to make it a Who-What-Where-When-Why-How kind of question; stay away from ones with a yes/no answer.

    Overall, I like the uncluttered feel to the page. It's crisp and businesslike.

    Hope this helps,

    "Sell the Magic of A Dream"

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    • Profile picture of the author bethrobinson
      If you're going to go with this multi-page format then you might want to consider going with a more multiple-choice version. Offer the questions you're answering and the for a free evaluation button on each page. Otherwise if you convince them on page 1 they might feel like their time is being wasted having to keep clicking.

      If you can get enough traffic to your offer page I'd suggest split testing the long all on one page vs. short multi-page version. You can break it up with boxes and offer the multiple-choices to take the feel away from a B2C but if your prospect is undecided it's easier to scroll back and forth than to click looking for the information you remember seeing.

      I kind of get lost in the warning signs checklist. It kind of blurs together. Are there a few that happen the most often? Maybe bold a few key words in those to make skimming easier.

      Just a few thoughts,

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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott

    I was quite impressed with the page, particularly the layout. Here are some minor pointers though:

    First of all, as someone suggested, try split testing your current idea of splitting it up with one long page. I have a hunch the long page will convert better (every click tends to lose people) but I could be wrong.

    Secondly, there isn't much about your company in there. Testimonials are fantastic, but I think it could be enhanced with a little bit of credibility. You know "We've been in business xx years, and have a xx% success rate in recovering money for our clients". Depending on your stats I think building that credibility would really help you out.

    The third point I noticed is that the language is a little tame. Personally, I would probably punch it up just a little. For example, when you say "employees don't check to see if they're being paid too much", you could probably punch it up a little bit. Employees don't just not check - if they find they're being overpaid, most of them do a "happy dance". You could come at it from the angle that employees DELIBERATELY DECEIVE YOU, kind of paint it as a war in which they'll take any break they can get and ruin your company.

    Of course, whether or not you want to do that depends on you, but at the moment the writing, to me, is a little dry. It has a brilliant logical, factual argument, but remember people BUY based on EMOTION and back that decision up with logic. So if it were me, I would perhaps try to tap into why these people want to get their money back. I'm not really that sure of your target market, but here are some possible reasons they may want to make this money:

    *It's their business and they can add this money to their shareholders or their salary

    *They will get a massive bonus and respect from their co-workers, as well as get in the bosses good graces

    *They will stop employees mercilessly taking advantage of the company and putting jobs in jepardy in this dangerous economic climate

    These are just suggestions, I can't guarantee they will work any better than what you're doing without a much deeper analysis of your target market. But personally I think punching it up and hitting some more emotional chords will really help.


    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    The headline can take a ton of editing. The simple idea is that they
    can unknowingly be losing a lot of money, but you used too many words
    to say it ... and you also did it in an iffy way.

    How about something like "97% of Employers lose money .....without knowing it!"

    You need to be more specific, direct and succinct.

    "Hidden Leaks in Overcharged ...."

    "Your Accountant Can be Robbing You Blind!"

    "Why You Are 97% Likely To Be Paying Overcharged _____ "

    -Ray Edwards
    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author Phillip Lambert
    Nice try guys - but his whole strategy is wrong!

    Obviously you guys haven't done much B2B lead generation before.

    I wouldn't let any CEO see this very amateurish website - It SCREAMS small time professorial.

    You have no clear branding. No logo.

    You big dummy.


    You must only ask for the appointment do not pre-sell your services at this stage of the sales cycle.

    Each of your lead generation steps must only do enough work to get the prospect to the next stage and nothing else.

    It is too much to ask a website like that to get a VERY BUSY CEO to fill out your form.

    I wouldn't even split test this website.

    Depending on how big the sale is and commission I would approach it like this.

    Find the name of the CEO send him a small box with a letter with a mock check attached to it with the figure of $35+ written out to him.

    Tie in the letters message to this cheque. And offer him a free insurance audit and a FREE dinner for two. You can get very cheap coupons online for his local city.

    Tell him that if he feels you wasted his time offer to pay him $50 for wasting his time.

    On a separate sheet of paper announce another offer and send him to a squeeze page with a a video. Make this sheet of paper a bright colour. On the same sheet display a toll free number him to call to listen to a free recorded message.

    On the squeeze page offer something valuable get his email address.

    Make sure in the package you include a separate testimonial sheet (different colour)

    Plus a reply form (different colour)

    Before posting it email or phone him or his secretary that a package is coming in the mail and for him to look out for it.

    After a fews day call him up and ask for an appointment!


    Now don't tell me this all takes too long to implement. It doesn't.

    Don't whine JUST DO IT!
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Here's a good article written by Bob Bly, "The 7 Key Differences Between Business to Business and Consumer Marketing" ...

      Consumer vs. B2B marketing | The Total Package

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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Philip got to this before I did, and I completely agree with him.

      The B2B companies I work with wouldn't give this page .00003 second's worth of attention. Not only does your site lack credibility - it actively makes you look like a complete amateur and small-time hack.

      No way a C-level exec is going to read this.

      I have no idea of how credible you are or if you really can fulfil your promise. Nothing I'm saying is intended to be personal. I'm simply commenting on the first impression you're giving here. And. It. Is. Awful.

      As Philip said, do NOT use this page for your service. Take it down immediately. Do not even have it up long enough for Google to attach your name to this monstrosity.

      B2B is a multi-stage marketing process. Get a real web site up. Put some information that your target prospects will care about on it. Show them that you know what you're talking about. Get some decent testimonials. The ones you have now don't come across as real.

      Then use Phillip's suggestions for generating leads. Yes, it will cost you a little to do this. But you can start by targeting a few companies you would really like to work with, research them, and tailor your letter to just 10 or 12 of them. Include your web site URL in your contact info, along with your telephone # and physical address. Follow up each mailing with a phone call.

      And do not use that web site.
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      • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
        This is your headline... it's just buried...

        Workers comp insurance companies get away with overcharging companies billions of dollars every year

        And this headline should be more prominent than the graphic of the business people in the field... which is a graphic that executives would not be able to identify with.

        I'm sure your sales pitch is compelling... especially if you begin with the headline in bold above...

        ...but your site looks home made...

        ...if you want a business executive to listen to you, your site needs to look like the site of one of the insurance companies he is doing business with.

        Imagine you and their insurance company sitting across from their desk... and they are wearing a coat and tie... and you are wearing polo shirt, shorts and flip-flops.

        You can wear shorts and flips while you are working... but your work can't look like that if you want to make any headway with this market.
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        • Profile picture of the author Mark McClure
          I'm mostly with Phillip and Collette on this one.

          Where the prospect's a small business with folks wearing multiple hats, investing their own money and even refinancing their homes to build the business etc, then this copy style may press some buttons. Especially if cash flow is tight and they're struggling to get by.

          However, in a larger business with hired hands (aka employees...) the mindset is much more about CYA...cover-your-a$$.

          Very few ambitious employees or managers (unless they're stoopid) are going to recommend an external service if it looks like it might hurt their individual chances for promotion...or survival. IBM lived for years off this with "No one ever got fired for buying IBM".

          So, before contacting the CPA listed at the bottom of this letter, a savvy employee will remember that "google is your friend" and do a bit of sleuthing.

          They'll at least check the following:

          1- Who is "Randy Russell, CPA"?
          2- Is he listed on LinkedIn? If not, why not?
          3- Why is there no physical address listed?
          4- Who are the "Work Comp Premium Recovery Group?"
          5- Why does WCPRG use only a PO Box with no names listed?
          6- Will Randy actually do the audit? (the use of "we" and "I" in the copy)

          There are a few more but you can figure those out for yourself.

          Why are 1-6 important?

          Well, the copy doesn't answer them imo - it just raises more doubts in my mind...

          And if I was that 'savvy employee' I would make sure I had answers before I went to my own boss with a proposal. Because if I don't have any answers, I can just imagine the torture to come as the boss plays with my lack of due diligence.

          It goes something like this:
          - "Well Mark, so this guy's a CPA, then? What do we know about him?"
          - "Well Mark, why isn't he on LinkedIn?"
          - "Just WHO are WCPRG?"

          Bottom line, imo:

          OP should clarify his target prospect more precisely than "1.5MM to 100MM" - there's a world of difference in how they 'expect' to be courted by service providers. Lumping them all together is a very tough b2b marketing strategy to follow through on consistently.

          I'm not in your target market, so not looking for business, but how about asking WCPRG why they've no case studies in their marketing messages. Their web site shows lots of testimonials from established businesses.
          Testimonials alone really don't cut it in the b2b world, in my experience.
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  • Profile picture of the author fasteasysuccess
    There's some things stated that I agree with and one of the major issue I see is the credibility as well. For one, why are there no names from your clients? You just have a position of a company listed.

    And if approaching your target market 1.5 million and above, then definitely have to redo and reposition yourself way better. This wouldn't fly very well at all if use how it is currently and trying to generate business from that target market.
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  • Profile picture of the author Marvin Johnston
    Since the original post is approximately 1 1/2 years old, I wonder if these comments will help the original poster.

    Interesting to read though.

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