I dont know much about copywriting but the first one jumped out at me more.

I scanned the copy and was drawn in by the sub headers and supporting screenshots.

Just my 2c

Good luck!
TC

Version one seems better, more catchy and the images are great to sell your product.

Think like a potential customer would, the first thing they would read Is the headline, then the P.S, then the sub headlines. The first one has better a better headline, better post scripts, the subs heads are better and the first one is overall better formatted.

Good luck.

- Jonathan

Thanks for the great feedback. I used all of your feedback and went for version 1, with some slight changes and things added from version 2.

APpreciate it.

You know, they have this cool thing called split testing now...

-Daniel

"I am no self-proclaimed "GURU", I'm a just a regular guy, JUST LIKE YOU, doing internet marketing.... "

Be careful here.

In I.M., people want someone who positions themselves as an expert or authority. This one statement could lose you tons of potential sales, because you just chopped the legs out of achieving credibility in a lot of people's minds. The fact is, if what you're saying is true... you ARE an expert and you need to come across as such.

I understand how you're trying to position yourself here... and it can work in certain markets. I just don't believe it will benefit you here. Of course, I could be wrong.

The next line can be reconstructed to be your sub-headline. You aren't just another IMer. Declare it. Flaunt it. Make people salivate over the prospect of duplicating your success.

Quick mistake: "If you have a HUGE, responsive Opt-In list that you monetize effectively, you are going to make money - and LOST OF IT!" Should be LOTS, not LOST.

Another thing:

The name of your brand is Elite Academy. Why the hell aren't you building and capitalizing on the brand? "Don't struggle to make passive online-based income. Become one of the IM elite."

You don't mention the Academy until about half way down. Big mistake. Since you talk about the program well before introducing the brand name in the copy, establish it sooner and use the concept as leverage to create a more descriptive feel in your campaign.

Also...

You have a strong voice here. Great job. Consider tweaking the copy a bit - and making a VSL out of it. You can split test it against the text version.

And speaking of testing...

You've done a good job. I didn't look at version two. Follow Daniel's advice and just start testing. Get yourself out of the gate and see what works.

Mark

I recommend:

-Write the following on an index card: "You're allowed to miss ya' know?"
-Tape it to your PC monitor or desk

You'll be pleasantly surprised how clear decision making becomes, and how much less stress there is, when you acknowledge it doesn't need to be perfect -- and allow yourself to fail.

(Wasn't the main topic but you seemed to need it more than the copy advice)

Tx for all the advice everyone. I have taken it onboard and got a new sales letter together. Will copy it here when its done

Why don't you split test?

I don't see how that precludes split testing.

None of us know what will work better.

So when you send people to the sales page, you split test. Then drop the one that's not working as well.

No need for early access. Just run a split test as traffic is hitting it.

Isn't that marketing 101?

-Daniel

True, but the design of my sales page costs over $400, so I can't get a design done for every version of the sales page. I will probably do a small split test during launch for the two undesigned versions. Will keep all of you in the loop.

If you're paying someone to design your sales page, it would be too costly to incorporate split testing. Alternatively, you could conduct your own focus group and do your own simplified split testing by simply testing 2 different variables on your sales page to determine which your focus group participants like best. By variable I mean any aspect of your sales page such as the color of your headline, the wording of your headline, the images or videos you use on your sales page, the price of your offer, the copy in your sales page, etc. Once a variable is selected as the preferred choice, you can replace that variable with another variable and run another split test until you end up with a sales page that contains your final variables of choice. And you can never go wrong with split testing.

And if you want my honest opinion...the copy is WAY too long. It's better to keep your copy in smaller paragraphs, use bulleted lists, and stay straight to the point. Make convincing arguments in the shortest attention span possible. The copy was so long that I didn't even bother reading it.

I hope you found this helpful to you and will incorporate it with the other feedback that you received.

Good luck!

Christina

I think they both suck.

Which one sucks more?

Why waste the time debating.

Here's a hook for you, provided it's true (or you could make this true):
====================================

Confessions of a "Jacuzzi Millionaire":


Dear [name],

Just the other day I spent 15 minutes crafting an email that brought in over $10,000 in less than 24 hours.

That's $40,000 / hour. Not too shabby if you ask me.

Better yet, I did this chugging a Pale Ale in the Jacuzzi.

Seriously, if a semi buzzed internet markter can make $40,000 while in the jacuzzi, surely you could make even more.

So, what's the "secret"?

I've got a responsive email list that is just waiting to buy my next offer.

But, you already know that "secret", don't yeah.

The REAL secret is how do you profitable build a responsive email list in only a couple of months on a shoestring budget.

If you're interested how i did THAT, then continue reading.



blah blah blah.

Just an update, as some of you might know this launch did very well, and it seems your advice and the copy paid off. We got massive conversions on this, with almost $5 EPCs across the funnel. tx for the help.

Hi Bertus,

I like version 2 better. The headline area is cleaner. You jump into proof right away, which is what I want to see. Proof is such a powerful tool.

The preheadlines in V1 strikes me as trying too hard. i have to wade through it to get to the headline.

my 2 cents.

Richard