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Please Critique My Copy For a 5 Day Hawaiian Business Retreat

by copyassassin
37 replies
UPDATE: I ATTACHED A NEW POSSIBLE HOOK.

Hi Gang,

I'd greatly appreciate if you would take a look at a VERY rough draft of copy I've written for a business retreat I'm doing in Kauai.

In particular...

is this copy worth improving, or should I go back to the drawing board?

I haven't added pictures, or grammar check because I don't know if I'm going to use this copy or not (btw, I outsource final grammar checks because I suck at that).

Also, I'm not in the love with the headline, hook, or theme of this copy.

I can easily see issues in others copy; not so much of my own.

Also, keep in mind this is going out to my current client list, many of whom I've had a 10+ year relationship with. Authority is already established with them by now, or not.

They also get my monthly newsletter and CD. In other words, they are used to my style. Those who like me, read my stuff. Everybody else doesn't.

The target is a married or divorced male, white, 40-65 years old, grossing between 200 to 600 thousand a year, lives in California, owns a house, a rental, kids in high school or college, drives a "nice" car, LOVES business.

Below is the a google doc link to view the copy.

I've also included it as a pdf attachment as well, for those who like the letter format better.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...JarYOXqq14/pub

Adam

p.s. depending on the rate of sales, I plan of doing a postcard mailing, a 3D "message in a bottle" mailing, and maybe other stuff to sell this puppy out.
#business #copy #critique #day #hawaiian #retreat
  • Profile picture of the author triedtruefitness
    Adam:

    I'll be blunt: Start over.

    First and foremost, stop trying to define your target market. If you're mailing this to your house list (and it sounds like you are) then your market is already defined for you. And you should already know your market (I believe that you do.)

    I believe it was legendary Adman Victor Schaub who said "Promise, large promise is the soul of an ad."

    Your ad has no soul.

    Start over. Lead with a big promise. And then back it up.
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    • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
      triedtruefitness,

      Yeah, I'm awfully tempted to dump this copy.

      There's some good parts to it.

      I'm going to call some of my A-list clients and ask them what it would take for them to buy-in. Maybe I can get my hook there.

      I've got two questions for you:

      1.) Since I've never done something like this before, I'm not sure exactly was ROI I can predict.

      So, how do I make a promise with knowing if I can fullfil it.

      Honoring what I committ to is a big deal with me. If I can't produce results, I won't even dare hint that I could.

      I'm in the long term client business.

      Also, even GKIC doesn't promise any specific results from their SuperConference.

      Sure, they offer there stupid, "If you're not blown away in the first 24 hours, we'll refund and give you $500 for documented travel" line.

      Here my issues with so many seminars: you don't make your money back until you actually implement some idea you got there.

      So, what could I promise, a BIG promise, that I can realistically fulfill?

      I am however confident each person can recoup their costs within 18 months.

      2.) Could you paste a link to an ad you think "has soul"? I'd love understand what you mean by that phrase.

      thx.

      adam


      Originally Posted by triedtruefitness View Post

      Adam:

      I'll be blunt: Start over.

      First and foremost, stop trying to define your target market. If you're mailing this to your house list (and it sounds like you are) then your market is already defined for you. And you should already know your market (I believe that you do.)

      I believe it was legendary Adman Victor Schaub who said "Promise, large promise is the soul of an ad."

      Your ad has no soul.

      Start over. Lead with a big promise. And then back it up.
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      • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
        Aloha Adam from Maui,

        Your big promise could be that they return home relaxed, refreshed and with a clear idea of exactly what they have to do in their business to achieve their goals. They'll have focus.

        For my clients, that's a huge perceived benefit. They don't care so much about ROI, believe it or not.

        Marcia Yudkin

        PS The cost isn't a big deal for the right people as long as you remind them that their whole trip will be tax-deductible.
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        • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
          Marcia,

          That's brilliant.

          I never thought of that.

          Well, I never put that much stock into that.

          Of course they'll get that.

          But, I never thought THAT could be the BIG promise.

          I spent the last week in Palm Springs with my family just doing a lot of nothing.

          Mental clarity is big deal. But I never thought of that a hook.

          Thank you for that insight.

          BTW, I did find your sales page for your "bizvaction".

          I like it a lot.

          I'd love to talk with you to pick your brain a little if that's okay.

          let me know.

          Adam


          Originally Posted by marciayudkin View Post

          Aloha Adam from Maui,

          Your big promise could be that they return home relaxed, refreshed and with a clear idea of exactly what they have to do in their business to achieve their goals. They'll have focus.

          For my clients, that's a huge perceived benefit. They don't care so much about ROI, believe it or not.

          Marcia Yudkin

          PS The cost isn't a big deal for the right people as long as you remind them that their whole trip will be tax-deductible.
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Another valued angle may be the mastermind approach.

            It becomes less about you and more about the collective brains trust
            working in harmony together.

            Where the big ideas and aha moments are hatched
            and where each member can feel safe divulging their plans
            for others thoughts and suggestions.

            An incubator for big things.

            Adam you are experiencing it now in what Marcia and I have shared.

            You've experienced what could of never been achieved without her input.

            Now you can passionately and with conviction write about this.

            Like minded people will be drawn to the opportunity and location.

            Best,
            Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post


        Honoring what I commit to is a big deal with me. If I can't produce results, I won't even dare hint that I could.
        It's a big deal with the FTC too. Promising a specific result is a mine field you may not want to walk through.

        Alex
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        • Profile picture of the author Jason_V
          Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

          It's a big deal with the FTC too. Promising a specific result is a mine field you may not want to walk through.

          Alex
          Alex,

          While I normally agree with what you say, I don't see how or why the FTC would get involved when he has this in his guarantee:

          You'll Make Back Your Tuition Fee Within 18 Months,
          or I'll refund your money Plus Put
          $2,000 CASH into your pocket
          for giving this opportunity the Ol' College Try
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Adam,

    Not sure how close this would be to your specific market... but you could check out the group called "Entrepreneur's Awakening"...

    https://www.facebook.com/entrepreneursAwakening

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/awakeningbusiness/

    My colleague and fellow copywriter/marketing Craig Clemens posted a few amazing pics on his recent journey with that group.

    And Craig is definitely one of the most successful marketers I know... and again, this
    may or may not help... but it might give you something.

    It may offer some insight into exactly what some of the successful marketers are ultimately looking for on their journey. Cause it's definitely not just about the money... there's something bigger that's out there for them... so maybe this page might offer up some of the "why's" behind what the ultra successful are looking for on a retreat.
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  • Profile picture of the author eugenedm
    To tell you the truth I didn't get what I was getting in the first 30 seconds. You need to fix that. You don't have to completely start over like most people say here, but talk benefits and tell people what they are getting RIGHT AWAY!!!

    I like your little hook there:
    Hawaii -- awesome
    Million dollar villa -- nice

    Say: "if you want all of this you can do exactly what I did --- bluh bluh bluh"

    Are you teaching them something you are done, correct? If so, it should be pretty easy to promise what you did and what made you successful.

    I mean come on who doesn't want a private villa in Hawaii??

    Also another point you want to consider is using "you" instead of "I" more. After all it is all about the customer not you.

    Think of it what customer is getting out of the whole thing.

    Bribe them with an irresistible offer so they say "YES".

    Also consider making a page with a video. Say all that. Maybe show some pics. The picture is worth a thousand words. Remember that one?

    Hope this helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author SassDiva
    Some help:
    It's unclear until you read way down what you're getting for the deal. I'd cut out or edit some of the first paragraphs. IMHO you can start with, "Can you see yourself.....(xyz) then put images in their heads about the sands, the beaches, the relaxation. Describe the retreat.


    I like this part:
    Join me, along with 3 other successful entrepreneurs,
    as we turn off our cell phones, and focus on doing a
    “Profit Intervention” To Your Business In
    The Tropical Paradise of Kauai.
    I think you should expand on that right from the top. Get in their heads immediately.

    If you go with the "profit intervention" angle that you started, which is nice, I'd cut out several paragraphs and just start with "Laser Focused........" segment, "Blood on the Streets...", "Diamond Focused USP..." That is where it gets good.

    IMHO there are too many paragraphs that are there because you know they need to be, but they don't add.... For example: I like the concept where you say, "you're not a fireman...." but the whole section right there in my mind is trying to be too cute. There are too many sentences. Just say, He's the Fireman. You're not.

    Imagine if you were one of your clients, what would you want?
    Relaxation
    Easy Money
    A quick island getaway with lots of scantily clad girls lol
    Tax Deduction
    Business under the guise of fun
    A chance to get away from the office
    Exclusivity--only a few of us "big boys"
    Luxury
    Pampering

    Play on this.

    Hope this helps.
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Originally Posted by SassDiva View Post

      It's unclear until you read way down what you're getting for the deal.
      That's not necessarily bad.

      The product or service should not be described until interest has been generated and desire sufficiently stoked.

      Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
      Originally Posted by SassDiva View Post

      Some help:
      It's unclear until you read way down what you're getting for the deal. I'd cut out or edit some of the first paragraphs. IMHO you can start with, "Can you see yourself.....(xyz) then put images in their heads about the sands, the beaches, the relaxation. Describe the retreat.


      I like this part:
      Join me, along with 3 other successful entrepreneurs,
      as we turn off our cell phones, and focus on doing a
      "Profit Intervention" To Your Business In
      The Tropical Paradise of Kauai.

      I think you should expand on that right from the top. Get in their heads immediately.

      If you go with the "profit intervention" angle that you started, which is nice, I'd cut out several paragraphs and just start with "Laser Focused........" segment, "Blood on the Streets...", "Diamond Focused USP..." That is where it gets good.

      IMHO there are too many paragraphs that are there because you know they need to be, but they don't add.... For example: I like the concept where you say, "you're not a fireman...." but the whole section right there in my mind is trying to be too cute. There are too many sentences. Just say, He's the Fireman. You're not.

      Imagine if you were one of your clients, what would you want?
      Relaxation
      Easy Money
      A quick island getaway with lots of scantily clad girls lol
      Tax Deduction
      Business under the guise of fun
      A chance to get away from the office
      Exclusivity--only a few of us "big boys"
      Luxury
      Pampering

      Play on this.

      Hope this helps.
      I like this, post the most, as i read your sales letter I read this reply and this post explains exactly what I wanted to say ( probably better then I could have)

      - Jonathan
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      • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
        how about this new angle?

        I just wrote the beginning.

        If this hook has promise, I'll build it out.

        see attached or google link.

        https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...1ZKqoCuFos/pub
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        • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
          Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

          how about this new angle?

          I just wrote the beginning.

          If this hook has promise, I'll build it out.

          see attached or google link.

          https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...1ZKqoCuFos/pub

          I like to being driven by purpose angle alot better
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Adam here's the promo for a weekend retreat with Rich Schefren
            at Strategic Profits.

            It's for his second one.

            Note no ROI's mentioned.

            Relax Your Way To Riches | Strategic Profits

            Best,
            Ewen
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            • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
              Ewen,

              I love YOU!

              This is perfect.

              Now, Rich does have the back story to make solid.

              But, I can tweak the copy to include my back story.

              I don't have 20 million dollar profits, but, I've got some victories.

              I can swipe this copy.


              Also...

              I found it VERY interesting that a superstar IM wrote copy that is quite frankly, subdued.

              Like NYC cool.

              Cigar bar cool.

              No hype. 0%.

              No promise. 0%

              No scarcity.

              Yes, 5 people is scare. But I didn't feel, "if I don't get this NOW my world will crumble."

              This is total confidence in himself.

              I love this.

              BTW, for people not Ewen, take notice of this copy.

              REAL players, REAL gurus, REAL business people desire THIS kind of offer.

              Want to attract real ballers, then this is your new template.

              Awesome share!!!!!!!!!!!!

              Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

              Adam here's the promo for a weekend retreat with Rich Schefren
              at Strategic Profits.

              It's for his second one.

              Note no ROI's mentioned.

              Relax Your Way To Riches | Strategic Profits

              Best,
              Ewen
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              • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
                Right in his email subject line, in brackets,
                it says "A Private Weekend with Me... [Email 1 of 4]"

                In the email and follow up ones coming he sets the scene
                what it was like on the last one...to tantalize you.

                Kinda being transparent yet a touch of scarcity in the subject line.

                The first paragraph reminded me of the Bill Bonner International Living
                promo.

                Then stories of the idyllic lifestyle where you mingle with the rich and famous who give out their little secrets and connections which create massive breakthroughs in your business and life.

                It plays on the the thinking which believes the inner circle have secrets which outsiders don't know about.

                "How else could they be so rich?".

                Then naturally not all can get in
                otherwise it wouldn't be a insiders club.

                So to be 1 of 5, you have to apply.

                Pure exclusivity.

                It's knowing how to market to the wealthy and those heading there.

                Best,
                Ewen
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                • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
                  Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

                  It plays on the the thinking which believes the inner circle have secrets which outsiders don't know about.

                  Ewen
                  Ewen,

                  I went to school with kids whose parents were fortune 500 CEOs.

                  Once in particular told me, "The difference is timing."

                  The rich know just a little sooner than everybody else.

                  That "slight edge" is ALL the difference.

                  And people will gladly pay a fortune to be just a little quicker, faster than the rest.

                  Many people believe that to be 100%.

                  Its probably 95%.

                  Which is why the hook is so effective.

                  adam
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                  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
                    Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

                    Ewen,


                    That "slight edge" is ALL the difference.

                    adam
                    Dan Kennedy talks about business players with money.

                    They will buy information even if there is just 1 thing in it which will give them an edge.

                    It's an insatiable desire to be 1 step ahead.

                    If your message reflects this, then it will resonate with the 5% or less of your list.

                    And that's all you need for a high ticket offer.

                    Best,
                    Ewen
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                    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                      The Schefren promotion offers way more than insider access, a look behind the curtain, or an experience of the way "rich people" live.

                      It appeals to those who are into hero worship. Putting other people on a pedestal.

                      Simple formula...

                      Send $20,000 = spend private time with Schefren.

                      Kind of pathetic when you think about it, but there's no denying it's the way some people are and what they will respond to.

                      Alex
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                      • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
                        Alex,

                        My experience tells me you are wrong.

                        For example, hero worship is like masturbation: it doesn't last very long.

                        With my background in the entertainment, when you meet some A-list people, you leave feeling sick...

                        ONLY after a couple of minutes.

                        A 3-5 day retreat is a LONG time to spend with somebody.

                        In other words, this is beyond masturbating.

                        Heck, this isn't even casual sex.

                        That's a LONG time to spend with somebody.

                        The veil goes away pretty quickly.

                        Now, does 20K get you access?

                        HELL YES!

                        But if you have that kinda dough, you already know you pay for access.

                        You pay to play.

                        As for your "pathetic" comment, I'm saddened by your harsh judgement.

                        I doubt Rich would take somebody's money without there being a possible true benefit to them; 20K for some people isn't a lot of money.

                        You must play in the shallow end of the pool.

                        Adam





                        Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

                        The Schefren promotion offers way more than insider access, a look behind the curtain, or an experience of the way "rich people" live.

                        It appeals to those who are into hero worship. Putting other people on a pedestal.

                        Simple formula...

                        Send $20,000 = spend private time with Schefren.

                        Kind of pathetic when you think about it, but there's no denying it's the way some people are and what they will respond to.

                        Alex
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                        • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                          Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

                          Alex,

                          My experience tells me you are wrong.

                          For example, hero worship <snip> doesn't last very long.

                          With my background in the entertainment, when you meet some A-list people, you leave feeling sick...

                          ONLY after a couple of minutes.
                          It's what the hero worshiper thinks that drives him. And until he's experienced the disappointment you speak of, he'll do everything in his power to become part of his hero's world.

                          As an aside, I've known people who worship at the altar of celebrity. And yes, some become disillusioned. But not all. There are others who are never disappointed... even after they've experienced the hero's negative humanity repeatedly.

                          Alex
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                          • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
                            Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

                            It's what the hero worshiper thinks that drives him. And until he's experienced the disappointment you speak of, he'll do everything in his power to become part of his hero's world.

                            As an aside, I've known people who worship at the altar of celebrity. And yes, some become disillusioned. But not all. There are others who are never disappointed... even after they've experienced the hero's negative humanity repeatedly.

                            Alex
                            thx for that.

                            thx Alex for that feedback. I see your point. And it has validity.

                            Here's a question for you (with a lead in):

                            "Celebrity" vs "Guru" vs "Expert"

                            The name of the game is positioning.

                            I get a sense for your writing you don't feel good about a person using their positioning.

                            I know I'm not phrasing that right.

                            So, here's the question: what's the difference between "hero worship" and good use of positioning?

                            What's the tell?

                            adam
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                            • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
                              I don't see it as being fodder for those with a guru complex.

                              I see it for the small group who are the slight edge seekers.

                              Those that are already in the fast lane towards their goals.

                              And another thing about money that has a mass appeal,
                              is most people believe others have more than them.

                              So bringing in the slight edge appeal and others have more than you appeal,
                              along with exclusivity creates a heady cocktail.

                              Of course how you apply all it's nuances is the trick.

                              Best,
                              Ewen

                              P.S. Besides, I don't think Adam's clients would suffer from
                              hero worship.
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                              • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
                                Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post


                                P.S. Besides, I don't think Adam's clients would suffer from
                                hero worship.
                                You're killing me Ewen!

                                Yep, I highly doubt ANY of them see me that way.

                                In fact, I don't want to be that guy.

                                My Dad had a following like that for several years.

                                And the things about Idols...

                                they break into a million little pieces.
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                            • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                              Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post


                              So, here's the question: what's the difference between "hero worship" and good use of positioning?

                              What's the tell?

                              adam
                              I'm a big advocate of positioning. I don't believe any marketer or business can go very far without it.

                              In fact, it's one of the important things I look at before agreeing to work with a new partner. I make sure either he has good positioning or I can help him obtain it. (My checklist has 7 factors that contribute to good positioning.)

                              To me, hero worship is what a person engages in when he crosses the line from highly respecting somebody to obsession.

                              Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Adam!

    USP? Really? Really?

    I don't disregard the value of a totally unique USP, but its only one part of a highly successful campaign.

    Secondly...

    You didn't really communicate the "big picture value" of a strong USP or build any consequence of not having one.

    I wasn't left with any sense of urgency in the slightest.

    Also...

    Your build up lacks flow, cohesion, and honestly, kind of goes all over the place.

    I mean...

    I get what you're trying to do. It's just not agitating the problem very well. It doesn't feel like you're demonstrating that you know your own ideal customer, which is a HUGE part of a successful USP. Whether the reader can put that together on their own, or not, it will subconsciously turn people off.

    In terms of this being an investment:

    I walk away from the copy not sure what I'll achieve on the retreat. Again, the big picture appeal isn't there. And the value for having a totally unique USP isn't hitting me over the head.

    My take...

    Mark

    P.S. I don't personally like your guarantee and I don't think it's smart business either. There's more to a company's success than just the USP. In fact, the USP isn't even remotely apparent until the benefits, ideal customer/client and branding are all crystal clear. People can't separate themselves from the competition and originate an innovative USP - if they don't have the other puzzle pieces.

    P.P.S. I guess what I'm saying is: Your USP for selling a USP successful isn't strong, clear or original.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Ferrari
      I may be partial, since I live in Hawaii, but I think you should give more attention to the experience of being in Hawaii. There's a reason you aren't holding this retreat in Des Moines, after all.

      You talk about your villa a bit, but why not tell them more about it or why being in Kauai is going to be freaking awesome? I live in Honolulu and even here, my visitors from the mainland walk around wide-eyed and jaw-dropped. The response to the scenery on Kauai is x1000.

      I would think its possible to combine this "tropical paradise" approach with your new hook of being driven by purpose. What better place to find your purpose than sitting quietly on the beaches of the Na Pali coast? (not that you will have the time or means to get them there, but you get my point...)

      Aloha!
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      • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
        Hi,

        I have to lay it out for you.

        Your headline and hook make so little sense that if I came to this on a web page I would just hit the back button. Your copy doesn't speak to anyone it's all over the place.

        I have no idea who you think I am in the copy.

        I have no clear cut idea what you really want me to do.

        Even towards the end of the page I still have no built up desire for your offer.

        And I certainly have no sense of urgency to take any action.

        I just wanted to tell you the way I see it.

        Patrick
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Adam, I agree with Alex.

    The Rich Schefren copy is definitely selling people who have the guru complex.

    And rarely do people walk away with the tools to dramatically changed or enhace their financial realities - whether it's framed at a seminar... or vacation.

    The program is selling the lifestyle experience of the rich. Smoking cigars and sipping your favorite alcohol is hardly the way to riches - no matter whose head you have the opportunity to pick.

    However...

    The copy is clear, concise and hype-free. Of course, it's leveraging name value, which you don't have.

    Now...

    If you combine the basic concept in the Rich Schefren copy with the specifics of understanding how branding and developing a powerful USP... then maybe you've got something.

    In your lead up copy (big picture approach,) I'd go after articulating the companies that created iconic brands and ride the wave of developing innovative USP's. And that today, in this unique economic environment, there are more opportunities to stand out from the competition than ever.

    Anyway...

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    There's a well-known swipe for real estate that starts out with a story of waking up in your property on the beach (or something close to that). For some reason I thought Rick Duris posted it here a few years ago but I can't find it, nor think of the copywriter and advertiser haha.
    Nonetheless, someone here may know what I am talking about. That swipe would give you some good ideas on painting the picture of a Hawaiian conference/meeting/experience.

    Lorrie Morgan Ferrero had a seminar at the beach which may give you some ideas:
    Copywriting for Dollars
    She has a funny copywriting "timer" they gave away. Maybe you could also come up with some unique giveaway or swag that people will talk about and helps keep you top-of-mind after the meeting.

    There's also some great bullets you should check out in Gene Schwartz' "One Day This Man Could Make You Rich" ad for a seminar (need to register to see the swipe):
    Gene Schwartz: One Day With This Man Could Make You Rich
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    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Adding to Joe's theme of a beach retreat,
      the great ad by Bill Bonner which created the
      International Living newsletter may give ideas of the flow and structure.

      I'll see if I can dig it up.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Adding to Joe's theme of a beach retreat,
        the great ad by Bill Bonner which created the
        International Living newsletter may give ideas of the flow and structure.

        I'll see if I can dig it up.

        Best,
        Ewen
        Yeah, that's it. I just re-read your earlier post where you mentioned it but it didn't register at the time--that's the one.

        Here's the post from Rick I was thinking of. It's different from the Bill Bonner piece but still a good opener swipe:
        http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...e-opening.html
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        Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
        - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author TyBrown
    I thought the copy was good, but for a different demographic.

    For someone making $200k+ with their business I think they understand that the economy is rough but I don't think they're feeling it the way you describe. I don't feel like people in that income bracket feel like they're working for $10-$20 an hour on certain tasks, I don't think they'd relate to how you describe the USP process.

    I could see this as good copy for business owners making $100k or so.

    Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

    UPDATE: I ATTACHED A NEW POSSIBLE HOOK.

    Hi Gang,

    I'd greatly appreciate if you would take a look at a VERY rough draft of copy I've written for a business retreat I'm doing in Kauai.

    In particular...

    is this copy worth improving, or should I go back to the drawing board?

    I haven't added pictures, or grammar check because I don't know if I'm going to use this copy or not (btw, I outsource final grammar checks because I suck at that).

    Also, I'm not in the love with the headline, hook, or theme of this copy.

    I can easily see issues in others copy; not so much of my own.

    Also, keep in mind this is going out to my current client list, many of whom I've had a 10+ year relationship with. Authority is already established with them by now, or not.

    They also get my monthly newsletter and CD. In other words, they are used to my style. Those who like me, read my stuff. Everybody else doesn't.

    The target is a married or divorced male, white, 40-65 years old, grossing between 200 to 600 thousand a year, lives in California, owns a house, a rental, kids in high school or college, drives a "nice" car, LOVES business.

    Below is the a google doc link to view the copy.

    I've also included it as a pdf attachment as well, for those who like the letter format better.

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...JarYOXqq14/pub

    Adam

    p.s. depending on the rate of sales, I plan of doing a postcard mailing, a 3D "message in a bottle" mailing, and maybe other stuff to sell this puppy out.
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