Was it worth the $$$? could I get some critiques?

by 0oo0
24 replies
I paid for a copywriter and I was wondering what you guys think of the copy?

thanks.

the site is www.mlmtoprep.com
#$$$ #critiques #worth
  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    The first few lines seem cut off. There are grammatical errors throughout. I don't know who wrote it but it is not very good.
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    • Profile picture of the author TwistYourWords
      Didn't want my first post on here to be so negative but... it's crap. It reads as if it's written by someone who's studied copywriting theory, but who lacks the skills to put it into practise.

      Hope you didn't pay too much for it.
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    To answer your question... no.

    This is a perfect example of where even a $100 sales letter (just a guess)
    is too expensive.
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  • Profile picture of the author bhuff85
    A few things:

    - There is a lack of focus in the sales letter itself. There isn't any flow to it, which is going to lose people right from the jump.

    - The layout needs considerable work. No organization makes it difficult to follow.

    - A graphic is covering up some of your copy

    - Grammatical errors need fixed (sales funnel that "trurns"...?)

    - Copy isn't bold enough and needs tightened up. Find your biggest selling point and focus on that throughout the letter.

    - What really makes you stand out from anyone else selling a custom sales funnel? What makes you different?

    It definitely needs some work. Like others have said, I hope you didn't pay big bucks for it. If it was a "cheapie", well, you get what you pay for.
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  • Profile picture of the author RobinInTexas
    Throw out all the old shiny objects and buy this one ????

    That's what I ran away from there.
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    Robin



    ...Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just set there.
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  • Profile picture of the author Amod Oke
    I just hope you didn't pay too much for this!
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason_V
    On your offer you have this as something the buyer will get:


    • 100% original sales copy for each page
    As you should already know sales copy is the most important part of any sales funnel because it's what makes the customer decide to give you their money, and lucky for you we've sold millions of dollars both on and offline for our clients.

    I sure hope this copy isn't written by the same guy you paid to do this sales letter.

    You need to flesh out the story of Mike. People will listen to stories. They will relate to Mike. They will empathize with Mike's aspirations, hopes, dreams, then the cold hard reality of not seeing those dreams fulfilled.

    He started out with such high expectations. He was counting the potential money in his head every day that he woke up and when he went to bed. In fact he even dreamed about the money he was going to make.

    Then harsh reality hit him. This MLM game is no joke. Those dreams of counting money in his sleep became nightmares not just while sleeping but in his waken state too.

    He's down and out, in both money and confidence. Desperate to salvage his hopes and dreams he turns to product after product, trying to get this MLM "thing" on track. It's almost like how a junkie is chasing his next hit. Nothing is working. He's on a bus, that bus is dangling perilously over the edge of the cliff. He's going to go over it any point now.

    Then bang, like a superhero out of the sky comes you and your product. You scoop him out of that bus that's about to go over the edge of the cliff.

    All his hopes, dreams, and aspirations are now fulfilled thanks to you and your offer. You have ended his nightmare! You have stopped him from chasing products like a junkie looking for their next fix.

    Your prospect is practically ready to fall off the edge of their seat with anticipation and excitement, because they too want to be saved from that bus that's about to go over the cliff, that walking nightmare of the endless loop of chasing solutions like a junkie chases his next hit, so they can't rip the credit card out of their wallet fast enough.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rich7
    It's bad. But I've seen worse.
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  • Profile picture of the author GobBluthJD
    Ask for your money back! You got taken.
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  • Profile picture of the author wlasikiewicz
    It depends on what your preferences are. I have seen sales pages with just a title and a single video and they sold lots of their product.

    It all depends on the buyer at that time - do some split tests..
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  • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
    Pros,
    Good use of choppy sentences to help the reader flow down the page
    the writer has clearly studied some copywriting
    Its not so bad that it can't be fixed with some revisions

    cons
    There is s graphic that is blocking the content
    Too much white space, its ok to space the content for flow, however there is to much
    The formatting is off
    more benefits less features.
    it doesnt sell the big dream

    All in all its not that bad - I do think that the copywriter only did one draft.

    can I ask you a question? Did you see any of his previous work?? You should know what he is capable of before you pay - I am not trying to be mean just asking a question

    Regards

    - Jonathan
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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Foze
    How much did you pay for this?
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    For people in search of explosive content www.chargedfreelancing.blogspot.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    In 2005 and 2006, I made mid-six figures doing MLM and some cookie-cut direct sales systems.

    I can verify that original copy/web presence is what largely makes the big bucks. But if you're selling copy, you've horribly fumbled. Your copy has zero persuasive qualities and fails to agitate the deep emotion that people failing (but still desperately wanting to succeed) in MLM are collectively feeling.

    Here's where I saw most people fail:

    They didn't view MLM as a their business. They didn't adopt an entrepreneurial mindset and become a leader for their downline. These are typically people who are still looking for someone to tell them what to do - residual toxicity from being intellectually institutionalized by their 9-5 gig.

    The very first thing someone getting into a (viable) MLM program (if they exist) is to ask the company for permission to create an original sales letter and/or VSL. Never use the duplicate sites an MLM company provides. If you want to produce major league results, you have to demonstrate that you're the real deal to potential downline prospects. You have to apply the making-making-steps you're going to teach them how to execute. That's the subtle key that very few people get about MLM.

    And that's the point you need to drill into your prospects.

    I don't remember my exact headline. I wrote this shit before I even really knew what copywriting was. But I said something along the lines of, "95% of Everyone Who Gets Into MLM Fails... Why the Hell Do You Think You're Special?"

    I transparently communicated WHY I succeeded. I told prospects, "I'm a leader. I take pride in educating my downline in following the steps I use to create virtually passive income - month in and month out."

    It ain't lies either. I held two conference calls a week to help my downline with their action steps and mindset - because the more successful I could help make them, the more money I made. And the happier everyone was.

    Good MLM copy doesn't just sell the freedom; it doesn't just trigger people's desire to escape the rat race... it has to clearly place prospects on the path of picking up the clues you leave behind to replicate your success.

    It's about making your downline work hard for you. You're leveraging their efforts... and they're (hopefully) teaching the people they bring into the program to do the same. You can't just sign up lots and lots of people. It won't work. It never works (for very long.)

    Anyway...

    Your copy sucks.

    And by the way...

    How about some examples of your MLM sites/copy?

    Testimonials of people who have successfully built a solid downline using your copy and system?

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author Sam Woods
    That wouldn't convert - you need to break up the text. Who wants to get sold something with a huge chunk of text like that.

    What you could do is use it as a template, adding headers, quotes, needs more color etc. There is tons you could do to this to make it better, but it will take more time than it took to make that!

    I too hope you didn't pay a lot for this...

    Sam
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  • Profile picture of the author benmuijaz
    Originally Posted by 0oo0 View Post

    I paid for a copywriter and I was wondering what you guys think of the copy?

    thanks.

    the site is www.mlmtoprep.com


    Just started learning copy myself.

    Honestly the heading turned me off totally.
    The heading is boring and unfocused.
    Who is your target market?
    It seems like you have it for everyone in MLM, which is really broad.
    I scanned the rest of it and read a few sentences, but was not captured by it.

    Hey, you should consider joining copyhour.com. They have some fine people in there.
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  • Profile picture of the author Curtis2011
    I would love to read it all but I am distracted by the poor design of the text itself.

    The font needs to be laid out in a more professional or just easier-to-read way. It also needs to have the subheads be bolded to attract attention, and stuff like that.

    Also, what's the deal with the weird graph thing covering up some text on the righthand side?
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

    Does it convert?
    Opinions about copy are a dime a dozen. I love it when people say they KNOW when copy will or won't convert. We all have different styles and ideas for how to approach a campaign.

    That being said...

    No chance in hell this converts.
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    So am I missing something or are you selling 'done for you' sales funnels with a lousy sales funnel? Kind of like a fat guy selling diet advice...
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    • Profile picture of the author DanteRomero
      Whoever wrote that came cheap. But the most expensive copywriter is the one whose ad doesn't bring in cash.

      I'd recommend investing more. Since it actually converts, you'll make it all back + profit even if it costs you more upfront.

      I'd be surprised if that letter converts at all.
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  • Profile picture of the author jjbalagosa
    I haven't even worked with clients yet. I've only done copy for my own business. But I'm considering branching out as a freelancer.

    This...

    This gives me hope. Which is kind of a bad thing for you. Sorry.

    Here are a couple things I caught right off the bat.

    The only proof element you have on that page is the graphic element. (Which, has been pointed out, is blocking the story part of the text.)

    If you've been doing sales funnels since 2008, you should have some positive testimonials or sample work you can show in pictures. They need to be in there.

    You need some price justification. Justify why your service is worth paying $997 for. Tell them that they could be making or saving ten times as much if they worked with you. Show them in real numbers.

    Then hit them with the $297 price tag.

    Also, the scarcity element is a bit weak. Anyone can say, "for a short time." I think it's like white noise to buyers at this point.

    Maybe, explain why you're offering this price for a limited time. Maybe you are conducting some sort of market test, some sort of holiday promotion, you can only handle so many clients at a time, or something along those lines.

    As pointed out before, the formatting does need work. Bolds, highlighting, borders and frames, etc... Are virtually non-existent.

    There's probably more, but those are what I caught in my first read through.

    Something you can take back to your writer for the next revision.

    Hope that helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    The comments in this thread did not prepare me for how bad this copy is.

    I have to go scrub myself now.

    To answer your question, I can't see any element of this page - offer, credibility, copy, targeting, or anything else - that has been done correctly.

    I would start with a good product. If you had one, and had some strong proof elements/passion etc, even the biggest hack copywriter would be able to do better than this.

    -Daniel
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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