Please Appraise My Sales Page (Harsh/Honest Is Better!)

Your header image takes up way too much space. Your headline is weak. So are your sub headers. This for example:

"What we need is a weight loss plan to help us lose weight despite our busy schedule."

There's no "we" about anything here. Hopefully you're addressing targeted visitors where the pronoun you want is YOU.

Much of the language is awkward. Perhaps English isn't your first language. Good effort but if you want this pup to hunt you need to get a pro in to either dramatically revise this or start over. Good luck.

I agree with Travlinguy's pointe above...

A really good start, but if it were me (just my opinion)...

1. Reduce the height of the header graphic to atleast half what it is.

2. On your sales video, I'd end with a stronger call to action 'Click The Link Now To Start Burning That Fat' and include a down arrow.

3. I'd add a buy/access button below the video (as well as in multiple spots), just in case someone wants to proceed after watching the video.

4. The photos with the white boxed out heads I find distracting, why not consider 'blurring/pixelating' the other peoples' heads?

5. The text paragraphs are too long. You convey the story, but I'd suggest making the blocks of text smaller and more readible. Try occasionally bolding some key points in the paragraphs for those people who 'skim' read.

6. Stronger more customer focused sub-headlines. Think 'WIIFM' - What's In It For Me.. from the readers perspective.

7. At the end with your signature, personally I'd use a friendlier (less cool) looking personal sign-off photo and include a P.S. statement below re-emphasising the key points - for those that skim to the end.

8. Exit Redirect - good to see you've got one, but it seems to just repeat the page. Why not offer a 'downsell', say remove one aspect of the offer and downgrade 'Wait Before You Go A Special Discount' to $19.95 a month or even a third $9.95 (but in the follow-up email series then re-upsell to the full plan).

9. Finally, to further reduce the risk at the end of your exits you could offer to give away a 'One Month $1 Trial' membership for $1, and then have the payment back up to full price at 30 days and thereafter.

Once you have traffic, you've only really got one chance as squeezing them into your sales funnel :-)

10. If you don't want to spend out cash initially on a copywriter, why not get someone else to have a read through and help smooth out the English slightly.

11. No doubt you have a razor sharp auto-responder series following this up and offering similar products.

12. You've probably already contacted other key active product owners in your niche on ClickBank, letting them know about the launch (and giving them some swipes) and offering a 'deal' as a bonus on their download pages, or a reciprocal banner ad on your download page?

13, Hopefully you'll also have an affiliates/JV page that offers swipes and sample banner ads...

Good job on making a start - you're already ahead of 90% the fact you have taken action. Good luck...

Alvin,

Your copy is suffering from a lack of a specific target, hook, and USP.

Your copy will increase A LOT if you do the following:

• Write down WHAT your target looks like
• What is the naggy problem their added weight is causing your target?
• Who are our targets heros?
• Who are your targets enemies?
• What irrational biases does your target have?
• What offer would be unqiue to them?

I'd think about that for a bit.

Honestly, writing copy for your own products is really tough.

I'm doing it right now for a 5 day hawaiian seminar I'm doing and I'm struggling.

Why?

Product owners "see the leaves".

You need somebody to help you "see the forest"

Your copy isn't bad, it just needs somebody to kick its ass.

Go hire somebody.

Adam

p.s. I noticed you are Asian. If your target is also asian, perhaps your angle could be "the fat buring furance of an asian male is different, and requires a different type of diet" that might work. That is a good about dieting based on your blood type. that did well.

Rule 1 - make the product as good as it can be

Rule 2 - chances of anyone actually using a "diet" product is remote

Rule 3 - you still have to apply Rule 2 to Rule 1


So ironically the secret to a weight loss products' success.

Is to make sure it works.

And the copy is all about proving that it does.


Steve


P.S. Yes, the logic is a bit bizarre. Even although the vast majority of people won't use your product. They'll happily buy it if they "know" it works.

I would remove the header..... It wastes precious real estate above the fold...

It duplicates the video "start" image directly below...

As a potential customer, I don't arrive at the page.... Immediately wonder.....

What is the name of this product? I must know the name of the product! What is it?

Instead, I get to the page....

I immediately wonder WIIFM.....

Take Care,

Rich Beck BCIP, MCSD, MCIS

I tried as much as possible to do the WIIFM formula, how else can I improve my script?

A few things:

When i see your pic, where you supposed to be fat, i see just a normal guy. I think it will be better if you will find a pic where you looks fatter , other way, your target market can feel "it will not help me, he never been that fat".

And...please don't get offended, but i think that copyassassin idea about Asian target, can work better.
You have a strong accent, and for many it can be a big turn off. (I also have an accent and because of that, i use native speakers, to read the text).
Well, i can be wrong, but i would test 2 versions and see whats convert better.

I don't believe the headline and sub-headline. That's as far as I got.

How else can I improve? Should I add in a professionally done video? Or will a sales script be sufficient?

I improved the script once again, how does it look? Better?

I have read up a lot more on copywriting and edited it drastically.. How does it look now?

This is the beginning of your copy:

From Alvin:

This is me!

PS. Let me tell you a secret; most fitness magazines are squeezing you dry of your money without giving you results. STOP believing what they are telling you!

If you truly want to start seeing visible results, you need to understand right now that 99% of what these magazines are saying are lies. If you want to finally succeed, listen carefully.

Will you like to get six pack abs like mine? I managed to lose 25.4 pounds in just 2 months.

I’m here to tell you that YOU can lose as much weight as I did. I’m here to show you how.

Will you rather starve yourself OR eat donuts/cheesecakes/fries to lose weight?



First off, Alvin who? And what makes you an authority about all of this? Why would I want to read beyond knowing you are "Alvin?" Do you have any credentials? Who are you? Why should I believe you?

Second, you need to change "will" to "would." "Would" is proper English.

Third, why wouldn't I believe a magazine over what you say? They are squeezing me dry of my money? I would find another way to open this letter. It's kind of dry and boring.

"Will you rather starve yourself OR eat donuts/cheesecakes/fries to lose weight?" - Nobody is going to believe they can eat donuts/cheesecake/fries and lose weight. Also, it's "cheesecake" not "cheesecakes."

This is as far as I got. Hopefully others here that have more experience can put in a better input.

I edited it once again

Hey, Alvin

You do not sell anything from this page. Just some notes for you:

1. Start with your hook: This can be a solution to loose weight, a storyline, proof, the offer, bonuses, or all of the above. It’s the “Big Promise” that ONLY YOU can make. You’ll use your hook in the headline, sub-headline, and opening paragraph.

2. Show the proof: This can be testimonials, a success story, third-party statistics, or a demonstration of your product.

3. Explain what they get: Introduce your product and list all the benefits with bullet points.

4. Reveal the price: explain why it’s such a good deal by comparing with alternatives. Explain how it can save them time and/or make their life easier.

5. Add some bonuses: You can create your own or use another PLR product that complements the offer.

6. Minimize the risk: close the deal by offering a crazy guarantee, like double your money back.

7. Ask for the order: this is where you can add scarcity and recap the offer, price, and guarantee.

Alvin, just remember that many entrepreneur's/copywriter's edit and re-edit their material over and over again.

Dan Kennedy just recently wrote in one of his newsletters that he knows a man that rewrites his stuff almost every night.

That would seem kinda drastic to me, but I'm still a novice at this stuff myself, so what do I know? From what I have read here, and other places, as I study copywriting, if I have heard one thing over and over again it is:
TEST, TEST, TEST and TEST, and of course, revise as needed.

Good Start my Friend!
God Bless,
ELMO

Hi there

Here's a few thoughts...

No real benefit in the headline...ok a bit of curiousity but why should I read on?

this below is more like a headline

If you want a hot body, while eating your FAVORITE foods and not travelling to the gym, then THIS will be the most life-changing message you will ever read.


Lose the tons of fats...make it a ton of fat

Look at the amount of time you use "I" in the subheads.

you need to change them to "you's"

product is presented far to late in the copy

Here are a few basic tips:


1. Change "astonishing" to something more evocative, like "jaw-dropping" or even "mind-boggling." "Astonishing" just doesn't seem like a good word to attach to "conspiracy." It has too many positive connotations; when you speak of a conspiracy, you're trying to hit the fear trigger, and "astonishing" is hitting moreso on the "wow that's so amazing" trigger. Make it more consistent.


2. The "conspiracy... that's making you fat" phrasing just sounds a little amateurish in general. I'd polish it a little.


3. Try using a before and after photo instead of just a photo of you being thin. You need to pay close attention to which niche you're targeting. If you're targeting the muscle and supplements niche, you might just go with a single picture that shows your six pack and other muscles. If you're targeting the weight loss niche, you want to include a "before" picture where you looked fat. I see you use a before and after photo halfway down the page, maybe use that at the top instead of the just the 'after' picture.


4. There's just a general inconsistency in the tone and style of the letter that's hard to describe. You say "this is the most life changing letter you'll ever read," but then the letter just looks like the most normal, standard internet marketing template, and the copy is totally standard too. To really make the "life changing" angle work, you need to actually have a buildup, something to make the claim look like it has substance. And more importantly, you need to indicate HOW you're going to change their life.


5. Develop the section underneath the headline "Would you rather starve yourself OR eat donuts/cheesecake/fries to lose weight?" a little more. This is good stuff but you need to bring it to life more... You need to talk a little about that "conspiracy" you were alluding to earlier. You need to make it more juicy, emotionally resonant.


6. In general, the close needs to be stronger.

Hope that helped man. PM me if you want more detailed tips!

One quick and easy thing I noted: 1st image, right hand side... you don't lose "a staggering amount of fats". It should be "a staggering amount of fat", with no "s" on the end.

I have studied famous sales script and videos and edited my page accordingly again What do you all think? I'm getting more cold traffic order form impressions already

1) I narrowed the page width.

2) I added in testimonials.

3) I rewrote my copy entirely, after reading through proven sales copy.

What do you think?

Change the main title "2 months or less" to "60 days or less".

Days sounds better.