Looking for feedback on sales copy and potentially a copywriter with proven track record

11 years ago

In my opinion, you need a strong headline, I'm not saying to use this exact one, this is just off the top of my head:

"Who Else Wants an Extremely Profitable Easy to Run Live Chat White Label 'Business in a Box?'"

If you currently own a web design business, a call center, an online marketing agency, or another type of business that has clients who could benefit from live online chat; read on to find out how you can get more clients and add more revenue to your bottom line...

I think your font is too small. I think you should test moving the testimonials to the right and left of the main copy.

I think you're putting your price too soon, without building any kind of value to your prospect.

I'm going to be honest, I think that copy needs a lot more work.

I'm sure some others will chime in with some good suggestions.

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Jonwebb

11 years ago

i agree with the above the font is to small, the price is reveled far to soon and the headline isn't attention grabbing something like

"FINALLY - A White Label Live Chat Business-in-a-box for the masses!"

Or something like that here is something you could read on writing better headlines

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...headlines.html

Good Luck

I choose to only focus on the easiest to fix problems even if the copy is average ( it does need work) the headline can still get you some quality sales.

Good luck

-Jonathan Webb

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"How to value a business or Website for purchase"

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Loren Woirhaye 11 years ago

Your price is going to restrict the appeal of the
product.

You have layout problems and the sales letter
is not specific enough, but the primary hurdle
I think you'll need to overcome is price resistance.

Of course you may argue that what you're really
peddling is a money-making opportunity... but without
persuasive sales materials and clear and enforceable
reseller pricing rules for your white label clients,
most won't succeed.... and experienced buyers of
private label stuff will be turned off.
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JamesCoombs

11 years ago

OK, been a lurker for ages, never really felt that I had anything to add before but now I do.

Originally Posted by thugpoet

i agree with the above the font is to small, the price is reveled far to soon and the headline isn't attention grabbing something like

"FINALLY - A White Label Live Chat Business-in-a-box for the masses!"

-Jonathan Webb

We all know this is a solid and proven headline, but just because its proven doesn't mean it makes sense with every offering.

People buying white label products don't want everyone on the planet to buy it. They want to feel they are getting their mitts on an exclusive and little known deal.

Yes, they still need social proof.
Yes, they still need to believe its simple.
But above all, as Loren Woirhaye said above, they need to be sold on its draw-dropping value as a business opportunity.

Telling them the offering is "for the masses" doesn't align with that.

If we're choosing from ye oldie headlines then.....

"How To Grow Your Own Brand And Build A Business You Can Be Proud Of.... In Under 10 Minutes!"

.... might pump out better results. But even then, if the title doesn't flow into the rest of the pitch, it doesn't matter how kick-ass it is.

At the moment the title feels like just another bullet point and if it is "for the masses" then I want to see those masses.

The testimonials represent those masses and they're stuck at the bottom.

Lift them up!

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Jonwebb

11 years ago

Originally Posted by JamesCoombs

OK, been a lurker for ages, never really felt that I had anything to add before but now I do.

We all know this is a solid and proven headline, but just because its proven doesn't mean it makes sense with every offering.

People buying white label products don't want everyone on the planet to buy it. They want to feel they are getting their mitts on an exclusive and little known deal.

Yes, they still need social proof.
Yes, they still need to believe its simple.
But above all, as Loren Woirhaye said above, they need to be sold on its draw-dropping value as a business opportunity.

Telling them the offering is "for the masses" doesn't align with that.

If we're choosing from ye oldie headlines then.....

"How To Grow Your Own Brand And Build A Business You Can Be Proud Of.... In Under 10 Minutes!"

.... might pump out better results. But even then, if the title doesn't flow into the rest of the pitch, it doesn't matter how kick-ass it is.

At the moment the title feels like just another bullet point and if it is "for the masses" then I want to see those masses.

The testimonials represent those masses and they're stuck at the bottom.

Lift them up!

thank you for singling out my post....

it was an example to help get his(her?) to see how a headline should attempt to grab attention.

-Jonathan Webb

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JamesCoombs

11 years ago

Originally Posted by thugpoet

thank you for singling out my post....

it was an example to help get his(her?) to see how a headline should attempt to grab attention.

-Jonathan Webb

Fair enough

I can't see the original headline since OP changed it and I'm sure your headline sizzles in comparison.

What would you say about the animated copy at the top of the page?

I find it jarring to the experience. The "No Strings Attached" graphic zooms past my vision as I'm reading the headline, and my eyes fly to that instead.

Also, the graphics changing every 15 or 20 seconds keeps the readers eyes glued to the top of the page rather then sliding down the copy. Towards the buy button.

Now, if the headline was flying... THAT would grab attention.

- James

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Jonwebb

11 years ago

Originally Posted by JamesCoombs

Fair enough

I can't see the original headline since OP changed it and I'm sure your headline sizzles in comparison.

What would you say about the animated copy at the top of the page?

I find it jarring to the experience. The "No Strings Attached" graphic zooms past my vision as I'm reading the headline, and my eyes fly to that instead.

Also, the graphics changing every 15 or 20 seconds keeps the readers eyes glued to the top of the page rather then sliding down the copy. Towards the buy button.

Now, if the headline was flying... THAT would grab attention.

- James

I agree, to busy at the top with all the "zoom bam" going on it takes away from the copy itself.

I actually prefer no major graphics in my copy ( outside of the testimonials, and other things like proof etc) copy should trickle down building momentum like a show all rolling down a mountain. that's hard to do with the flashiest things in the copy at the top of the page.

- Jonathan Webb

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Daniel Scott

11 years ago

Originally Posted by thugpoet

thank you for singling out my post....

it was an example to help get his(her?) to see how a headline should attempt to grab attention.

-Jonathan Webb

No offense, but it was a terrible headline. I don't think it got across the point you were trying to make at all.

Not trying to be mean here, but if you offer advice that isn't rock-solid, you gotta be prepared to be called on it... which is what James did.

I agree with his assessment whole-heartedly, and in addition he makes some great points for the lurkers and readers.

If you are going to contribute, make it a strong contribution. The whole "Well, it was just an example" thing only flies if it's a good example.

-Daniel

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Jonwebb

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

No offense, but it was a terrible headline. I don't think it got across the point you were trying to make at all.

Not trying to be mean here, but if you offer advice that isn't rock-solid, you gotta be prepared to be called on it... which is what James did.

I agree with his assessment whole-heartedly, and in addition he makes some great points for the lurkers and readers.

If you are going to contribute, make it a strong contribution. The whole "Well, it was just an example" thing only flies if it's a good example.

-Daniel

" no offense" then precedes to say offensive things is the definition of lame ass passive aggressiveness...

My point still stands, his original headline didnt say anything, I provided an example to show what I meant - i then took the time to post a thread in which I went a little deeper in explaining my point.

Again thank you for turning my attempt at taking legitimate helping into a lets talk trash day.

I'll never understand why people feel the need to downgrade others helpfulness just because it doesn't fit "their" standards.

Enjoy your high horse - I bet you feel so much better for your attempt at straightening me out... #self righteousness

- Johnathan Webb

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Alex Cohen

11 years ago

I am looking to start a Google Ad campaign and I prepared this website as the landing page;

www.promptchat.net

I wonder if you are able to give me some honest feedback.

Google won't approve it... no terms of use or privacy policy.

Alex

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Enfusia 11 years ago

Hi, you have some challenges to overcome with this piece.

Here are just a few:
No string headline with the big promise or benefit, you don't identify who I (your prospect) am, you don't really hit a strong USP, your price pint needs to be overcome, your call to action is non existent etc..

There are more but that should get you started.

Patrick
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kornelkathi

11 years ago

Thanks so much to everyone who got involved. You have been extremely helpful - (i am still working on a final version based on your feedback)

Once it goes live, I will surely put the results here to give you an idea.

Thanks

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Looking for feedback on sales copy and potentially a copywriter with proven track record

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