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Would You Keep Reading?

by ashloren
15 replies
A Work in Progress

My question is, did you click the link at the end to continue reading or no? Why or why not? All feedback is appreciated.
#reading
  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    Hi there,

    My answer is No, I would not even click the link from here to read what you posted.

    You offered us a blind link and NO indication of the topic or its relevance to copywriting.

    Furthermore, your signature arouses suspicion that the subject matter might be such that some of us might find it distasteful.

    Unfortunately, for those reasons your question was a non-starter for me.

    Marcia Yudkin
    Signature
    Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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    • Profile picture of the author ashloren
      Originally Posted by marciayudkin View Post

      Hi there,

      My answer is No, I would not even click the link to read what you posted.

      You offered us a blind link and NO indication of the topic or its relevance to copywriting.

      Furthermore, your signature arouses suspicion that the subject matter might be such that some of us might find it distasteful.

      Unfortunately, for those reasons your question was a non-starter for me.

      Marcia Yudkin
      I'm curious to know what kind of "suspicion" is aroused (hope the pun was intended) by my signature? If you find the truth distasteful, I'd be curious as to why. I typically find the truth refreshing, as do most people. Is there not an "ignore" feature on the forum? I'd suggest that, if you're offended by my signature or feel the need to pass judgement on me.

      As for the feedback from everyone else, thank you. I appreciate it. I knew it needed some work, and I'll be heavily editing it based on all the suggestions here.
      Signature
      -Ashly Lorenzana
      AshlyLorenzana@gmail.com
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      • Profile picture of the author scrofford
        Originally Posted by ashloren View Post

        I'm curious to know what kind of "suspicion" is aroused (hope the pun was intended) by my signature? If you find the truth distasteful, I'd be curious as to why. I typically find the truth refreshing, as do most people. Is there not an "ignore" feature on the forum? I'd suggest that, if you're offended by my signature or feel the need to pass judgement on me.

        As for the feedback from everyone else, thank you. I appreciate it. I knew it needed some work, and I'll be heavily editing it based on all the suggestions here.
        You find the truth refreshing? My question is the truth about what? You aren't telling us anything. Your headline is a quote. Why would I want to optin to your list? Who is your target market? What are you trying to get them to do?

        Secret, vague headlines won't get you anywhere. I still have no idea as to what it is you're offering? I know you're talking about Andy Warhol, but beyond that, I have no idea? Are you trying to sell me a can of soup?

        Your headline should at least tell us what you are offering. It should be some kind of benefit also. I don't see ANY reason to optin. It's all very confusing.
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  • Profile picture of the author Benjamin Farthing
    The promise is too vague to be credible. How will I be famous? For what? What do I have to do?

    And there are some missing logical steps between your copy and your call to action.
    1. Andy Warhol made a prediction that everyone would get 15 min of fame.
    2. ???
    3. Learn how to claim your 15 minutes now!

    You've got to convince me that YOU know how, and that you can easily show me.

    Plus, your copy is wordy. You can say all that in two or three (much shorter) sentences.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jason_V
    This page is a train wreck.

    What exactly are you trying to do?

    Are you trying to get me to share on FB?

    Are you trying to get me to opt in?

    Are you trying to get me to click to the next page?

    You need to decide exactly what you're trying to do on that page and focus on that.

    If your goal is to get me to click on the next page, then you need to get rid of the share FB link, and the opt in box.

    You need to also get rid of the link out to Wikipedia if that's your goal. For heaven's sake why would you EVER have someone leave your page?

    Until you decide exactly which one of the above you're trying to do, then you can be helped further.

    As it is, I don't want to share that on FB

    I don't want to click to the next page

    I sure as hell wouldn't want to opt in.

    The page is a mess because you're not clear on what you're trying to accomplish with it.
    Signature
    "When you do something exactly wrong, you always turn up something."
    -Andy Warhol
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  • Profile picture of the author TommyRyan
    You need a STRONG benefit to the reader in the headline ... that is step one. I'll let others comment on the other problems.
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  • Profile picture of the author bhuff85
    There is simply no focus here. You need to zero in on the ONE action that you want your prospects to do (i.e. opt in, sharing on Facebook or clicking through the link below your content).

    Figure that out first.
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    • Profile picture of the author MEMMedia
      Yes I agree with Marcia. There is no call to action to read more.

      And the FB share button is distracting.

      Common template would have main headline outlining the key feature followed by the ultimate benefit of said feature with a strong call to action to do whatever... in this this case to click link to read more.

      Keep at it. It all comes in the re- writing right.

      Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author JustinDT
    Banned
    I would not. Nothing in particular jumped out to me as the focus of this page.
    I would also suggest a different headline
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  • Profile picture of the author stuzilla
    Hey Ash,

    I only made it to your second paragraph.

    To be fair, your page has a lot of distractions, what with the opt-in form, share button AND a link to continue reading.

    It just doesn't maintain my attention and I have no interest in sharing the page socially because you haven't taught me anything interesting or compelled me to share it with my friends. All I know is you told me that an artist painted a picture of a can and he's now famous for that. Okay, cool. Now what?

    I've read the rest of your copy. It's very well written but does not engage me to do anything. Moreso, because I'm confused as to what you WANT me to do. It just not moving me to be interested in what point you are making.

    I know that your point is: "click to continue reading and I'll tell you how Warhol captured fame, ect" but your copy didn't have that effect. I was disinterested after the second paragraph.

    The facebook share is really distracting to the fluency of your headline - which could use some fixing up also - that share button breaks my train of thought after your headline captured my attention. Now the rest of your copy is less effective to me. I think you need to revamp your message and outline the benefits in a new angle.

    Get rid of the distractions and focus on getting your prospects to commit to a certain action.

    For example: Throw away the link and make your call of action an email opt-in to find out how Warhol could have "possibly known"

    Now that kills a few birds with the same stone...
    And less birds means less confusion.

    Hope my opinion is some what constructive for you to use.

    Goodluck Ash.

    -S
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    I definately would not keep reading
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    • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
      I'd suggest that, if you're offended by my signature or feel the need to pass judgement on me.
      Well, that is interesting. You come here and ask for feedback and call it "passing judgment" when someone provides candid feedback.

      This is a copywriting forum. Your original post did not provide enough context to let us know that we would be clicking through to a copywriting page rather than to, say, your latest erotica.

      If you don't want feedback, then don't ask for it. I provided feedback on your post, not on you.

      Marcia Yudkin
      Signature
      Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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      • Profile picture of the author ashloren
        Originally Posted by marciayudkin View Post

        Well, that is interesting. You come here and ask for feedback and call it "passing judgment" when someone provides candid feedback.

        This is a copywriting forum. Your original post did not provide enough context to let us know that we would be clicking through to a copywriting page rather than to, say, your latest erotica.

        If you don't want feedback, then don't ask for it. I provided feedback on your post, not on you.

        Marcia Yudkin
        My question was "would you keep reading?" Not "would you start reading this?" I don't recall ever asking you to explain why you would or wouldn't read it to begin with. I'm not sure how that could have been misunderstood.

        I'm a sex worker, not an author of erotica. You seem to be fond of enormous assumptions, clearly. And if the possibility of "erotica" bothers you, then don't click the link and don't read it. Pretty simple, I would think...?

        I was not interested in hearing your opinion regarding why you found my signature suspicious. So keep it to yourself, kindly.
        Signature
        -Ashly Lorenzana
        AshlyLorenzana@gmail.com
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    No. Because you give me zero reasons to want to know more.

    --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    The headline is pretty bland, formal even. Drop "Mr. Warhol" and try Andy. That quote is fairly well known so I'd guess that going with the first name will still work.

    Besides, you can expand on it in the body, which also needs a pizzzzzzaz injection. Warhol is known for a lot more than the soup can and his other paintings. He produced several very wild (for the time) movies. I remember going to see Andy Warhol's Frankenstein (in Space-Vision 3D) and Andy Warhol's Dracula back when they came out. I walked out of the theater thinking my mind had been assaulted.

    I'd open the body of this page by briefly explaining his famous quote. Then I'd say something like, for better or worse, he certainly deserved his fame. Then briefly describe one of his more eclectic ventures (like his production efforts in the very weird movies mentioned above) and leave the reader with a little cliffhanger. Something like that is likely to get the result you're after.
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