Critique my sales thread

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Sylas

I realize I still have a way to go but I'm willing to work hard and learn everything I can about this craft. I also feel my lack of testimonials is hurting me but I'm not sure how get the ball rolling with those.

Testimonials create believability. Not to fear, there are other ways to create believability.

One way is to borrow credibility. Quote copywriting legends who agree with points you make in your sales letter.

Another credibility builder is to educate your reader. For example, in your sales letter you could explain three advanced persuasion techniques you use and how they increase sales.

Make sense?

Alex

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1 reply

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Sylas

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Alex Cohen

Testimonials create believability. Not to fear, there are other ways to create believability.

One way is to borrow credibility. Quote copywriting legends who agree with points you make in your sales letter.

Another credibility builder is to educate your reader. For example, in your sales letter you could explain three advanced persuasion techniques you use and how they increase sales.

Make sense?

Alex

Thanks for the suggestions Alex. Feeling more confident already!

Thanks

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Andrew Gould

11 years ago

When you post an offer like that here, you'll typically find that your prospects will check your profile out and have a look at some of your other posts.

Which means they'll find this thread.

And then they'll find it hard to square the almost comical hype in your pitch with:

Originally Posted by Sylas

I realize I still have a way to go but I'm willing to work hard and learn everything I can about this craft. I also feel my lack of testimonials is hurting me but I'm not sure how get the ball rolling with those.

Thanks
1 reply

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Andrew Gould

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Sylas

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Andrew Gould

When you post an offer like that here, you'll typically find that your prospects will check your profile out and have a look at some of your other posts.

Which means they'll find this thread.

And then they'll find it hard to square the almost comical hype in your pitch with:

Thanks Andrew. I guess I should have thought of that before posting here. I don't suppose there's any way to get this thread removed?

Thanks

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Matt Ausin

11 years ago

Why remove it? It's the truth and that thing has the tendency to come out eventually.

Instead, why don't you take a different angle? You know, the know-it-all-black-belt-hypemaster isn't the only thing you could go for.

For example, you could just say that "An unknown copywriter will get you insane conversions for pennies on the dollar... with one condition"

And that condition is they have to leave a review. That, in turn, validates the low price without directly saying that you're green as snot.

Then just tell your readers that since you're not really famous (yet) and that you're studying so hard you're already better than most of your competition (as proven by your own experiments if nothing else) and so on.

An important thing with this angle is to walk the fine line between selling from your knees and still being truthful (the good thing about being truthful and consistent is that you don't have to worry about someone finding your previous posts on a forum).

Heck, here's a way to get some feedback immediately.. put your best piece up here for critiques. If someone says something positive, use that

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

I don't know where to start, this is so dreadful. There is not one thing you can resurrect from this. Some advice - stop trying to be cute. Stop bullshitting. Learn how to format the page correctly. Find your voice - instead of trying to be a cleverdick (and failing miserably). Plenty of people can help you here but you're a long way from being a "topshelf copywriter".

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Sylas

11 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

I don't know where to start, this is so dreadful. There is not one thing you can resurrect from this. Some advice - stop trying to be cute. Stop bullshitting. Learn how to format the page correctly. Find your voice - instead of trying to be a cleverdick (and failing miserably). Plenty of people can help you here but you're a long way from being a "topshelf copywriter".

Disappointing but I'll take it on the chin. Your page was actually one of the ones I looked at most before creating my thread. Clearly I failed to take your lessons on board.

The thing is, many threads I've seen on WF contain a similar style. The cute hypey style. I thought that by emulating(or rather trying and failing to emulate) that style, I would be successful.

If you have the time, I would appreciate some more critiques with specific examples. I don't mind being torn down. I'm here to get better.

Thanks

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

My name is Sylas. I'm a copywriter. A very new copywriter but a copywriter nonetheless. I write words that sell stuff. Winning words. But because I'm so very new at this I don't have much of a portfolio and not many runs on the board. But what copy I have written has done very well.

Joe Bloggs from this very forum got me to write a salepage for his WSO on "How to Make Scam Reviews for Kindle". I charged him one hundred clams and he sold $1500 worth of product at $9.70 each. And get this - he made that overnight. That WSO is still selling and last I spoke to Joe he was up to $7,000 IN PROFIT. Do you think he's happy with the $100 the copy cost him?

[insert testie]"This kid did a great job - for next to nothing. Take my advice - jump on this WSO now before he's starts charging $5K a page like all the other hot-shot copywriters."

What else have I done? There's not much room here to post all the work I've done but here's the headlines from a sample of my work. Click on the link to read the full salespages.

[insert headlines]
"Awesome technique discovered by one-armed bipolar golfing nut not only adds 50 yards to your drives, eliminates hooks and slices, slashes up to 10 strokes from your game...but get this - your buddies will ply you with drinks all night at the 19th hole - just to learn your secret!

That's just gives you an idea of my copy. Like I said, I'm rather new at this. My plan is to be a Top Gun writer within a year or two.

That's where you come in.

You can help me achieve my goal. Hire me now while I'm charging peanuts for copy. I'm not even going to charge you $100. Just pay me 50 bucks upfront and I'll have your copy written within 3 days. How does that sound?

But here's the deal. If you like it and it converts like crazy and you make enough money to bugger off to Vegas for the weekend...I'd like you to give me a testimonial. In fact I'll even make that easy for you. I have a template that you can follow.

All you do is pick the pre-written words and phrases that you think apply. Like - "Sylas is a/ a very good writer b/ a promising writer c/ a frigging genius... the copy he wrote for my WSO a/ crushed it b/ had people not only buying the frontend but the OTO as well c/ smashed the ball right out of the park. You'd have to be a a/ complete dipstick b/ blindman on meth c/ dithering idiot NOT to pick up this offer now.

I can't wait to get cracking on your copy. Hit that buy button below and turn your $50 investment into a home run worth thousands - you'll see.

blah blah blah

yours,

Sylas

p.s. be quick. As you read this some other cat has already jumped the queue.

p.p.s. $50 - you kidding me? You see the value in this? This offer won't last, I can tell you that. This time next week I'll probably be charging $500 or more for a salespage.

[ 4 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Sylas 11 years ago

Malcolm, that was fantastic. I've done my best to create a sales letter from your post in my own words. While I want to flesh it out a bit more, I feel this is an OK start for a newbie. A lot of what you wrote is simply too good to change though. Kinda feel bad for leaving a lot in there unchanged. Also cheers to Matt for the title inspiration. I'm starting to understand what you guys mean by "finding my voice"

Unknown copywriter increases your conversions for pennies on the dollar... with one condition

Hi, my name is Jason. I'm a copywriter. A very new copywriter but a copywriter nonetheless. I sell stuff using words. Words that turn into money.

I'd show you my porfolio but the truth is, I don't have one. All I have is this page to convince you why I'm worth your time.

A lot of copywriters out there will try and over-sell your product with hypey words and catchphrases. They'll use arrows, charts and five different colors. They'll also charge you through the nose. Up until a little while ago, I was convinced that was the best way to do things. Boy was I wrong.

After a few harsh but true words about my previous work, I've come to realize one thing: simple sells. Pick up any good advertising book and you'll see the same thing. Read a letter by Joe Sugarman or Gary Halbert and you'll see it too. It's all about simple language used effectively.

I've learned all this through trial, error and A LOT of books. You see, while I'm new, I'm also ambitious. I want to be the best copywriter on the Internet. Heck, I want to be the best copywriter in the world. But I'm not quite there yet.

That's where you come in.

You can help me reach my goal. Hire me now while I'm charging peanuts for copy. I'm not even going to charge you $200. Just pay me 100 bucks up front and I'll have it written within 3 days. I get some experience and you get great copy for next to nothing.

But here's the deal. If you like it and it converts like crazy and you make enough money to buy that new Lamborghini…I'd like you to give me a testimonial. Just a simple "Jason delivered a great piece of copy" or if you're feeling more generous "Jason went above and beyond my wildest expectations". That's all. Easy right?

I can't wait to get started on your copy. Hit me up on Skype or send me a PM and I'll make your $100 investment into a home run worth $1000s - you'll see.

This is your chance to get a great deal. So stop wasting your time on over-hyped BS and hire me. One day, when I'm a top-dog charging $3k for a sales letter, you can say you believed in Jason Miles when he was a nobody.

Yours,

JM
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- The Copy Nazi Banned 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Sylas
  
  Kinda feel bad for leaving a lot in there unchanged.
  
  Well yes...so why are you doing it? You might as well steal the whole lot. Would read better than this half-baked effort.
  
  The head is as boring as batshit. That plus you're putting a condition in there to start with? Trying to scare them off? And it goes further downhill from there. You're telling them you're such a rookie you have nothing to show them? "Just this page". And you think they're going to get really excited about that?
  
  And nobody cares what you've read. All they care about is...WILL THIS WORK FOR ME? As in "Can this dick write me something that will move product?" Show them you can.
  
  You're still trying to be clever. Just write in plain simple words...that any 5 year old can understand.
  
  "I'm a copywriter. I'm a very good copywriter. I write stuff that has people reaching for their wallets. What I'm really good at is finding the "meat in the sandwich" - the "hook" that will sell your product. Or your service. Or anything really.
  
  But... I'm new here. No-one knows me. I don't have any runs on the board. But Dude...this is really good for you. This means I'm going to cut you a killer deal on copy. I'm going to hit you with an irresistible offer. Here it is -
  
  Give me a chance to write the copy for your wso...run the wheels off it for a week. If it works...if it converts... pay me $100 via PayPal. If it doesn't convert... I'll re-write it until it does.
  
  Good deal?
  
  Here's what I want you to do next...
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  2 replies
  
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  Sylas 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi
  
  Well yes...so why are you doing it? You might as well steal the whole lot. Would read better than this half-baked effort.
  
  EDIT: didn't see the rest of your post
  
  Thanks
  
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  Matt Ausin 11 years ago
  
  dude, my title is shit. I was trying to give you a direction is all
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Sylas 11 years ago
  
  Man I'm learning so much. Thanks for your time Malcolm. I hope this is better than the last one.
  
  NOW YOU CAN HAVE GREAT COPY FOR ALMOST NOTHING
  
  Hi, my name is Jason. I'm a copywriter. I write stuff that gets people to buy things. I'm really good at it too. You see, every product has an "angle" or a special way to sell it. If you want me to sell something, I find out what the angle is, then I write words that get people to buy your product. Or your service. Or anything really.
  
  A lot of copywriters out there will try and "over-sell" your product with clever words and sayings. They'll use arrows, charts and five different colors. They'll also charge you through the nose.
  
  Not me. I like to keep things simple. I find the angle or "hook", write the copy and you make lots of money.
  
  The thing is… I'm new here. Nobody knows me. It's a shame really. If only I could show you how good I am. If I only I could show how much money you could make using my copy.
  
  How about this…
  
  Let me write the copy for your WSO… if you like it and it converts, pay me $100 via PayPal. If it doesn't work… I'll rewrite it until it does.
  
  Sound good?
  
  There's just one more thing I'd like from you. If it works really really well and it converts like crazy and you make enough money to buy that new Lamborghini…I'd like you to give me a testimonial. Just a simple "Jason delivered a great piece of copy" or if you're feeling more generous "Jason went above and beyond my wildest expectations". That's all.
  
  I can't wait to get started on your copy. Add me on Skype or send me a PM and I'll make your $100 investment into a home run worth $1000s - you'll see.
  
  This is your chance to get a great deal. One day, when I'm a top-dog charging $3k for a sales letter, you can say you believed in Jason Miles when he was just a small-timer.
  
  Yours,
  
  JM
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Sylas 11 years ago
  
  edit: double-post
  
  Thanks
  
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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

No, no and no. You're still being lazy and nicking my words. F-i-n-d y-o-u-r o-w-n v-o-i-c-e.

Let's have a look -
NOW YOU CAN HAVE GREAT COPY FOR ALMOST NOTHING

Horrible. Again - boring. Go get Vin Montello's "Headlibs" from his site (for an opt-in, I think) and adapt one of those.

Hi, my name is Jason. I'm a copywriter. I write stuff that gets people to buy things. I'm really good at it too. You see, every product has an "angle" or a special way to sell it. If you want me to sell something, I find out what the angle is, then I write words that get people to buy your product. Or your service. Or anything really.

An "angle"? WTF - sounds like a con. Lose the "You see" as well. You're talking down to your audience. Talk one on one - like you're talking to your best mate.

And it's not "if you want me to sell something"...it's "when" - presume you've made the sale. This is just salesmanship 101.

A lot of copywriters out there will try and "over-sell" your product with clever words and sayings. They'll use arrows, charts and five different colors. They'll also charge you through the nose.

What's this crap about "other copywriters"? You're a newbie. You have no authority to be criticizing what other writers are doing.

Not me. I like to keep things simple. I find the angle or "hook", write the copy and you make lots of money.

Well...we don't know that yet, do we. Lose it.

The thing is… I'm new here. Nobody knows me. It's a shame really. If only I could show you how good I am. If I only I could show how much money you could make using my copy.

You're whining.

How about this…

Let me write the copy for your WSO… if you like it and it converts, pay me $100 via PayPal. If it doesn't work… I'll rewrite it until it does.

I don't suggest you do that - you'll go start raving mad and they'll just use you up. I was trying to show you an "irresistible offer". So what is it?

And again - presume the sale - so it's "when I write the copy for your WSO" - not "Let me write the copy..."

Sound good?

There's just one more thing I'd like from you. If it works really really well and it converts like crazy and you make enough money to buy that new Lamborghini…I'd like you to give me a testimonial. Just a simple "Jason delivered a great piece of copy" or if you're feeling more generous "Jason went above and beyond my wildest expectations". That's all.

Sigh...the Lambo thing doesn't work. And the rest is yuck.

I can't wait to get started on your copy. Add me on Skype or send me a PM and I'll make your $100 investment into a home run worth $1000s - you'll see.

This is your chance to get a great deal. One day, when I'm a top-dog charging $3k for a sales letter, you can say you believed in Jason Miles when he was just a small-timer.

Dude..."top-dogs" charge way more than $3k for a salesletter. Some of the guys here make ten times that. So that just falls flat. And sounds cheesy.

Yours,

JM

Again - find your voice. Write the whole thing like you're talking to your best buddy. Or your girlfriend. Or your Granny. Use "Dragon Naturally Speaking" if you have it. That will help you.

[ 4 ] Thanks
2 replies

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Enfusia

11 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

No, no and no. You're still being lazy and nicking my words. F-i-n-d y-o-u-r o-w-n v-o-i-c-e.

Let's have a look -
NOW YOU CAN HAVE GREAT COPY FOR ALMOST NOTHING

Horrible. Again - boring. Go get Vin Montello's "Headlibs" from his site (for an opt-in, I think) and adapt one of those.

Hi, my name is Jason. I'm a copywriter. I write stuff that gets people to buy things. I'm really good at it too. You see, every product has an "angle" or a special way to sell it. If you want me to sell something, I find out what the angle is, then I write words that get people to buy your product. Or your service. Or anything really.

An "angle"? WTF - sounds like a con. Lose the "You see" as well. You're talking down to your audience. Talk one on one - like you're talking to your best mate.

And it's not "if you want me to sell something"...it's "when" - presume you've made the sale. This is just salesmanship 101.

A lot of copywriters out there will try and "over-sell" your product with clever words and sayings. They'll use arrows, charts and five different colors. They'll also charge you through the nose.

What's this crap about "other copywriters"? You're a newbie. You have no authority to be criticizing what other writers are doing.

Not me. I like to keep things simple. I find the angle or "hook", write the copy and you make lots of money.

Well...we don't know that yet, do we. Lose it.

The thing is… I'm new here. Nobody knows me. It's a shame really. If only I could show you how good I am. If I only I could show how much money you could make using my copy.

You're whining.

How about this…

Let me write the copy for your WSO… if you like it and it converts, pay me $100 via PayPal. If it doesn't work… I'll rewrite it until it does.

I don't suggest you do that - you'll go start raving mad and they'll just use you up. I was trying to show you an "irresistible offer". So what is it?

And again - presume the sale - so it's "when I write the copy for your WSO" - not "Let me write the copy..."

Sound good?

There's just one more thing I'd like from you. If it works really really well and it converts like crazy and you make enough money to buy that new Lamborghini…I'd like you to give me a testimonial. Just a simple "Jason delivered a great piece of copy" or if you're feeling more generous "Jason went above and beyond my wildest expectations". That's all.

Sigh...the Lambo thing doesn't work. And the rest is yuck.

I can't wait to get started on your copy. Add me on Skype or send me a PM and I'll make your $100 investment into a home run worth $1000s - you'll see.

This is your chance to get a great deal. One day, when I'm a top-dog charging $3k for a sales letter, you can say you believed in Jason Miles when he was just a small-timer.

Dude..."top-dogs" charge way more than $3k for a salesletter. Some of the guys here make ten times that. So that just falls flat. And sounds cheesy.

Yours,

JM

Again - find your voice. Write the whole thing like you're talking to your best buddy. Or your girlfriend. Or your Granny. Use "Dragon Naturally Speaking" if you have it. That will help you.

The advice he's giving here is solid. It's rare that I find someone giving advice that I can say that about.

All I can add to this is don't use a word of anyone else's copy write every word yourself. How else do you expect to get better.

Patrick

Thanks

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Sylas 11 years ago

delete:edit
- Thanks
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