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Postcard copy critique for a private equity fund

by Delta223
4 replies
This short block of copy is meant to go on a regular sized postcard. The target audience is small business owners and the goal is to get them to call in so we can do a phone qualification, and then schedule a face-to-face meeting if there's a good fit.

Headline: You'd like some more money to grow your business. We have the money

Most small businesses grow slowly. They roll earnings back into their business hoping for 10% extra per year. There's a better way!

A BIG injection of investment capital can give you the products, equipment and customers you need to grow 30% or more this year.

Example: A baby store doing $60,000 a year took a $300,000 loan from us. One year later--the business returned $200,000.

For small business owners who are dissatisfied with their current annual growth, our investment funds will accelerate the growth of your business.

For more information, and to see if you qualify for funding, please contact our Director of Client Relations, Joe Director: (800) 555-5555

SBE Investment Fund
#copy #critique #equity #fund #postcard #private
  • Profile picture of the author urban renewal
    I think most business owners know that they can take out a loan. What's going to make them eager to do it with your client?

    What if you played up that case study more and worked it into your headline?

    Something like:

    "Discover how one $60,000 business grew over 300% in a single year."

    Then add in some stuff to take away risk from the prospects mind, so it seems like a no-brainer to call in. I don't know what you have to work with, but I'd bet the main question in a prospect's mind is "what are the terms?"

    Do you know more about what happens at during a "phone qualification"? Is there any way that you can word that so it seems like a benefit-driven and risk-free action, rather than a high-pressure sales pitch?
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by Delta223 View Post

    This short block of copy is meant to go on a regular sized postcard. The target audience is small business owners and the goal is to get them to call in so we can do a phone qualification, and then schedule a face-to-face meeting if there's a good fit.

    Headline: You'd like some more money to grow your business. We have the money

    Most small businesses grow slowly. They roll earnings back into their business hoping for 10% extra per year. There's a better way!

    A BIG injection of investment capital can give you the products, equipment and customers you need to grow 30% or more this year.

    Example: A baby store doing $60,000 a year took a $300,000 loan from us. One year later--the business returned $200,000.

    For small business owners who are dissatisfied with their current annual growth, our investment funds will accelerate the growth of your business.

    For more information, and to see if you qualify for funding, please contact our Director of Client Relations, Joe Director: (800) 555-5555

    SBE Investment Fund
    I'd be careful about making claims. Advertising for financial transactions is heavily regulated.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      I'd be careful about making claims. Advertising for financial transactions is heavily regulated.

      Alex
      Alex, a past client of mine is a finance broker to a specialist business sector
      and she assured me there is no restrictions for business finance.

      It was one of the first questions I asked her.

      To the original poster, I've sent you a private message.

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author deezn
    I was (until two years ago) chief compliance officer and counsel for a registered investment adviser, mutual fund company, one hedge fund and one private equity fund (all common owners). They were small companies, but I have just enough knowledge to be dangerous.

    I'd be careful. There was a prohibition on Hedge Funds and private equity firms on general advertising (advertising to the general public) if they were relying on safe harbor rules such as 506

    This isn't just business finance, because it's private equity, which involve securities etc. If there is a security involved, watch out.

    Dodd-Frank changed a bunch of stuff as well. Not saying you can't write that, just telling you to check it out.

    This isn't legal advice. This is is advice to get legal advice.
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