Could you take a moment to take a look at my copy?

8 replies
My site is How to broadcast radio online | Internet radio guide I think i need to change around the fonts a bit but I'd appreciate all constructive criticism regarding the copy itself.

I'm open to all suggestions regarding what needs to be changed etc but this is also a copywriting learning experience for me so please no "hire a copywriter" posts, as i think that may defeat the point a little! :p
#copy #moment
  • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
    Hi, well it's great that you're building a site.
    However, I must say, you need to completely re-write the whole thing.
    It's not even proper English.

    I doubt many people will even get past your headline and hook of:
    "Starting Your Internet Radio Station.
    And Managing It Afterwards.


    You'll never forget your first radio show. It starts with the butterflies as you count down to go live. Then comes the relief. It all kicks off with no problems. You can relax and enjoy your show, watching the listeners appear on your display."

    To be honest with you I have to tell you something you don't want to hear. You need to go hire a GOOD copywriter.

    I know you prefaced the conversation with don't tell you to do that. But, this copy is not copy. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but who ever wrote this should absolutely not quit their day job. They should take English courses at night to learn the language before they ever attempt copy again.

    I know that might sound a little rough but it's the truth.

    A good copywriter here on the forum can be had for around $5,000 and up per page. Yes, I know someone will pipe up and say "Don't listen to him, I'll do it for $X". But please note I said good copywriter.

    Patrick
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    • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
      Originally Posted by Enfusia View Post

      Hi, well it's great that you're building a site.
      However, I must say, you need to completely re-write the whole thing.
      It's not even proper English.

      I doubt many people will even get past your headline and hook of:
      "Starting Your Internet Radio Station.
      And Managing It Afterwards.


      You'll never forget your first radio show. It starts with the butterflies as you count down to go live. Then comes the relief. It all kicks off with no problems. You can relax and enjoy your show, watching the listeners appear on your display."

      To be honest with you I have to tell you something you don't want to hear. You need to go hire a GOOD copywriter.

      I know you prefaced the conversation with don't tell you to do that. But, this copy is not copy. I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but who ever wrote this should absolutely not quit their day job. They should take English courses at night to learn the language before they ever attempt copy again.

      I know that might sound a little rough but it's the truth.

      A good copywriter here on the forum can be had for around $5,000 and up per page. Yes, I know someone will pipe up and say "Don't listen to him, I'll do it for ". But please note I said good copywriter.

      Patrick
      pretty much like everyone else said - its needs some work. now you are not without talent, and I can tell you put some effort into this - you just need basic copywriting structure. my advice start with the headline

      some threads to help you get started:

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...headlines.html

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post2397369

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ing-books.html

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...pywriters.html

      good luck.

      - Jonathan Webb
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  • Like Patrick said, this is pretty bad. There's no hook, theme, flow, credibility, value-building or urgency. The benefits are thin, or missing. I would start over using a sales page outline like this one:

    David Frey's 12-Step Foolproof Sales Letter Template
    Marketing Article: 12-Step Foolproof Sales Letter Template

    There's also some good stuff in these free reports:

    Vin Montello
    Seven Story Secrets
    http://montellogroup.com/SevenStorySecrets.pdf
    Head-Libs
    http://marketingclambake.com/pdfs/Headlibs-vol1.pdf
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author PalmTree1
    Well... I am not an AD copy expert, but as a potential customer, it is very choppy reading with no real flow. This may be the best product of it's kind, but without good copy and some attention getting copy to provide a good feeling about it, no matter how good the product is, it will be a tough sell.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
    Originally Posted by Seiryuu View Post


    I'm open to all suggestions regarding what needs to be changed etc but this is also a copywriting learning experience for me so please no "hire a copywriter" posts, as i think that may defeat the point a little! :p
    Well, you really need to ask yourself ... do I want to sell this product, or do I want to learn how to write copy?

    Here's a suggestion though ... your intro is pretty flat. At the bottom of the page, I read this:

    “Monetizing and Advertising Your station may be a hobby, but what if you could make an income from it? Maybe you just want to cover your hosting and equipment costs so that you're not losing any money, or maybe you want to replace your job and become your own boss. Both have been successfully done before, and by the time you read this entire page, you'll discover how you can do the same...”

    Tweak that and make it the intro to your sales page.
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    • Profile picture of the author Seiryuu
      Okay guys thank you for all the suggestions!

      I feel that i should explain the style of the titles: I read some advice on a blog post not too long ago that pointed out how snappy "half sentence" titles can work to the sites benefit sometimes (the main case study was apple's style) however from the response I got here I can see that that's definitely NOT the way to go.

      I guess the big dogs can get away with bad copy anyway though! :rolleyes:

      I would be lying if I said that this copy was making any conversions so this is how I'll act upon the responses that I received:

      Plan A - I'm going to give copywriting another try without any Apple gimmicks and taking Jeremy's suggestion about emphasizing the monetization into account. I'll also take the time to read all the links that have been suggested by everyone who was kind enough to respond.

      If that still yields poor results then I'll bite the bullet and hire somebody to put something palatable together.

      I'm not new to copy altogether believe it or not, and I can write very clear and enjoyable information and fiction books. I'll be honest though, sales copy and persuasive writing are proving to be an entirely different beast to tackle
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      • Profile picture of the author Jonwebb
        Originally Posted by Seiryuu View Post

        Okay guys thank you for all the suggestions!

        I feel that i should explain the style of the titles: I read some advice on a blog post not too long ago that pointed out how snappy "half sentence" titles can work to the sites benefit sometimes (the main case study was apple's style) however from the response I got here I can see that that's definitely NOT the way to go.

        I guess the big dogs can get away with bad copy anyway though! :rolleyes:

        I would be lying if I said that this copy was making any conversions so this is how I'll act upon the responses that I received:

        Plan A - I'm going to give copywriting another try without any Apple gimmicks and taking Jeremy's suggestion about emphasizing the monetization into account. I'll also take the time to read all the links that have been suggested by everyone who was kind enough to respond.

        If that still yields poor results then I'll bite the bullet and hire somebody to put something palatable together.

        I'm not new to copy altogether believe it or not, and I can write very clear and enjoyable information and fiction books. I'll be honest though, sales copy and persuasive writing are proving to be an entirely different beast to tackle
        They are different beasts. Writing to inform the writing to sale has a different skillset. When you write copy you want to invoke emotions, pain, guilt, fear, greed embarrassment etc. Make then need your product. They couldn't possible live or succeed without your product.
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  • Seiryuu, if you are going to give it another go, pick up a basic book first.

    Like "The Ultimate Sales Letter" by Dan Kennedy
    Amazon.com: The Ultimate Sales Letter: Attract...Amazon.com: The Ultimate Sales Letter: Attract...
    or

    How to Write A Good Advertisement
    How To Write A Good Advertisement: Victor O....How To Write A Good Advertisement: Victor O....

    Just follow those and you'll be way ahead.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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